Let's Talk About Sex (p2)

Today is part 2 of a two-part series on sexual intimacy in marriage.  

Here's a quick sneak peek: 

• The Purpose of sex is intimacy 
• The Product of sex is LIFE 
• That’s why it’s Pleasurable

But when the pleasure overtakes the purpose then you forfeit the product. 

Here are the FOUR KEYS TO GREAT SEX: 

• Rhythm 
• Recognize 
• Relax 
• Reward 

Are you interested in being coached as a couple? We have a new program we just released that we'd love to have you join. You can learn more HERE. 

Transcript

So this week, we're staying on the topic of sex I wanted to move on, but Tori's like, no, let's keep talking about it. Let's do a whole, I'm just kidding. Not really. Uh, so we just ran out of time. So we're gonna do a part two. We did, we ran out of time, uh, last week and we wanted to continue and talk about a few more things about sex.

I'll be reviewing our little three part framework and then our four keys to great sex. Perfect. But before that, let's do a joke. Let's do a joke. Wife, stop being an idiot. Just be yourself. Me. We'll make up your mind. What you don't get it. So the wife says, stop being an idiot. Stop being an idiot, just be yourself.

And then you say, well, make up your mind. Stop being idiot. Just be yourself. We do. You want me to be an idiot and myself? I am an idiot. Okay. Yeah, I I'm just. Okay. But I, I guarantee I'm not the only guy that didn't quite get that. Okay. I think what it was is you're the wife and you were speaking from a husband's perspective.

No, no. I'm being the wife. Stop being an idiot. Just be yourself. Then you said me. Oh, okay. So that's the way it's written. It's uh, So maybe I should have given that one. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. okay. I just said, Jason, make up your mind. So you didn't get that from anybody? No, I just, it was a, um, a dad joke and it was about husband's and wife.

And I was like, oh, this one's really funny. And it was not, I should have given that one to you at all. Yeah. It's okay though. Good try tour. This bump. All right. Okay. So listen, I need some of you guys to send us some good jokes. Okay, please. somebody, you guys, somebody send us something rescue you. My wife.

okay. Let's recap real quick last week, if you remember. Okay. So I'm just gonna leave it white noise and let you see if you can get it all. Okay. Go ready? All right. I'm just kidding. So here's our three part framework. The purpose of sex is intimacy. Mm-hmm the product of sex is life. That's why it's PLE.

but when the pleasure overtakes the purpose, then you forfeit the product. Okay. So always remember that life. It's all about life. It's it's intimacy. So it's life, physical life, emotional life, spiritual life, relational life. And then we talked about the four keys to great sex rhythm, recognize, relax, reward, rhythm, establish how often you'll do it, that set expectations.

And then there won't be any disappointment. Okay. Then re. Pay attention to what you really love, like respect and are thankful for think about your spouse throughout the day. Yep. And that's, that's use the power of gratitude to draw you close. Yes. And then relax. Relaxing is just let it happen. Let it happen.

Stop holding on so tight . Yes. And, uh, and, and for you men create an environment that will help your spouse relax. And then fourthly is reward view. Sex is reward, not an obligation. And. Women, you can use it as a reward for your husband, but yeah, we talked a more about using it as a reward, but it's important that we see it as a reward.

Yes, too. That's so important because how you look at it, how you think about it. It, it makes a huge difference. Yeah. um, and I'm reading a book right now. Um, that just came out, I think just a few months ago. And it's really actually very good. There hasn't been a book like this that's come out in a really long time.

Yeah. And I think it was a really needed, um, thing to come out. It's called married sex and it's by Gary Thomas who wrote sacred, uh, sacred, sacred marriage, I think is what he. It's really good. Yep. He's a pastor from Texas. Um, I think he, oh, he's been married 40 years, so I think he's like maybe in his sixties.

And then he wrote it with a younger woman named Deborah TTA and she is a licensed, um, professional counselor. And she's been married 15 years. And at first I was like, oh, that's kind of odd for a yeah. Partner book about that non non-married couple, but they are, you know, it's like, um, there's, you know, they're both like, or psychologists or whatever, wanna be a psychologist.

And, and also, I just think the, um, they really wanted to come together to have the woman's perspective and the man's perspective. And then, you know, these, both of them are just so, um, in different stages of life, it was, it's just, it was actually a. I think it was actually a really good pair to come together for it.

It was really good. And, um, but I, I wanted you to mention, um, last week we talked about oxytocin. Are you ready to dive into that one yet? Or do you wanna dive into some other things? Okay. So we can start there. So we were talking about, and, um, how. Not was it oxytocin? Yeah. That we were talking about. Yeah.

During sex for a man oxytocin, which is the bonding chemical mm-hmm Israelis. And I said, oh, what about for women it's released at a higher level than at any other time? It's like where you get to like flood stage. Yes. And you said a woman's Oxy oxone level is. Is higher than a man's typically, but it's just more even guilt.

Yeah. I actually couldn't remember exactly, but it was from this book that I had read something, so I went and looked it up. Yeah. Um, and actually gonna just open up and read it to you. Um, It says a woman has significantly higher levels of oxytocin going through her ma her brain than a male does oxytocin has been called the cuddle chemical because it's re it releases feelings of affection, warmth, and bonding.

When a man has sex with his wife, his low levels of oxytocin rise to flood stage a woman's level of oxytocin rises as well. But because her resting rate is higher than a man's, she doesn't notice it quite as much. Right. So, so a man just notices it and feels like, oh my goodness, I feel so connected. Yes.

Because there was such, he started at such a low level and that will help some women who struggle and are like, oh, my husband wants sex again. But just understand there is a physiological reaction in him that will feel closer to you. In that moment than at any other time. And it's not just a physical closeness, it's, it's a mental, emotional and spiritual closeness.

He's gonna feel to you when you guys have sex. Right. So have sex with him. Well, it's just UN it's just knowing that and, and knowing like, my husband wants to be close to me. Yeah. Like that should actually be a really good thing in our hearts and in our minds. Right. Like, yeah. But if we're looking at it, like.

He just wants to have sex again and I'm exhausted. Yeah. You know, then it can be, it can, it can be something that you're not really looking forward to. Yeah. But if you're like, oh my goodness. My husband actually like really wants to be close to me. Yeah. I wanna get to that place too, because I, I know what that connection brings.

It brings life. And if you've, if you have established your rhythm, Then it's, it's very easy for you guys. It's very simple and relaxing, honestly, for you guys to get into that place. So it's, it's figuring out that rhythm. Right. But oxytocin is a big deal. That's the bonding chemical. And I just think it's really man, that how God designed us.

Yeah. You know, it's really cool. And um, I wanna read this other thi this other part just after, um, What I just read. It says during sex oxytocin combines with the hormone vasopressin, which helps create vivid, emotional sensory memories, which in turn deepens feelings for the love object. This little bonding hormone instantly works like a super glue to the heart.

Makes you feel happy, even euphoric when you hear the soft sound of her voice, it makes you her the shape sound, smell, and look of your mate above all others. Oh, that's good. I just think that's really beautiful. Like, um, I just think that the, the world perverts distorts sex. Yeah. And it, and it just, um, we look at it wrong and the way that they portray on TV and we're seeing this all the time and in movie.

It's like this perversion as if you know that only these, these supermodel women can, can turn on a man or, um, and it can feel intimidating to wi sometimes you feel like, oh my goodness, like I'm trying to compete with this perversion almost. Yeah. In the world that my husband is inevitably gonna be coming across, you know?

Yeah. And. But it, when, you know, as I began to read this, I was like, oh my goodness. Like actually nobody can compete with you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. As the wife can compete with, as the wife, nobody, you compete with you. You're the one that's being intimate with your spouse. That's right. You're the one that he's allowing his affection for.

You're the one that's being bonded to him. And the oxytocin is being released in those moments of intimacy. And as that's happening, something chemically is happening in his brain where he prefers your shape, your smell, you know, your look. Yes. It's actually like, that's just really cool. Yeah. Your husband no longer will have a.

Like, what type are you? You know, like, are you a boob guy or a buck guy or whatever, it doesn't matter. Are you a blonde guy or a brunette guy? No, no, no. My type is my wife. Yes. Whatever, whatever she is. Did she get her hair colored? Okay. That's who I, that's what I am. And, and that's why it's so important for us men that we make sure that we're following Proverbs five, 18 and 19.

I read it last week, but rejoicing in the wife of your, your youth. He says she's a loving dear and a graceful dough. Let her breast satisfy you always, which means her breast, her body was meant to satisfy you, but you have to rejoice in her first. Yeah. What does that mean? That means you have to think about her.

You have to think about all the good about her. You have to love her, respect her, like her, be thankful for her. And when you do that, that's rejoicing in her. She's gonna turn you on dude. And there's no other woman that can do that. But I think for the wife, knowing that. It, it there's a real connection that they feel when they know that.

Yeah. That there isn't, they're not competing with this. Yeah. They don't wanna feel objectified. Yeah, no it, and um, I think this book is really helpful. I, I mean, I wish that we hadn't had read it right when we got married or right before we got married. Mm-hmm um, just because it really, um, it talks about things that you.

Who's gonna talk about this. I just feel like nobody talks about this before you're married. I don't know that we didn't get this in our premarital counseling. Yeah. And it's kind of, I think it can feel weird sometimes to talk about these things with people, you know? Yeah. Um, and so anyways, it's a great book to, to help you understand, um, just kind of like the different anatomy.

That we have. Yeah. And how we work and how, um, and just what, what the Bible says about sex mm-hmm um, and how we look at it, how we see it. Yeah. Which is a good thing. I mean, I mean, obviously Satan is attacking sex, right? I mean, you just, just look at the movies. Yes. Look at all the stuff that's, that's going on out there.

And that's why it's important for you guys together. Don't watch the crap. Yeah. Just don't don't let yourself watch it. Like if, if there's, if it's a bad scene, go get vet angel. It's only 7 99 a month. It'll probably go up with, uh, Biden inflation. Right. But, but go get that and don't watch that kind of stuff, because you don't want your own sexual intimacy to be perverted.

Right? One of the things that he talks about in this book is one of the lies that we, that women often believe is that sex is for. I mean, I kind of grew up thinking men want sex more. Um, you know, don't, it would be like, I, I would've felt uncomfortable to actually in like a, a group setting with my girlfriends when I was married to.

Talk about any kind of desire there, because it was just kind of like no men, it was almost like you're dirty if you, if you yeah. Talked about it as if you enjoyed it or it was pleasurable to, I don't know. It was just, I don't know if that was just my little bubble mm-hmm , but, um, that really struck a chord for me.

Like sex is not just for men. Like God made it for women too. Right. And I think that if you, if you've thought it about it in a certain way, Your whole life, and it's not getting you to where you wanna be and your relationship with your spouse. And yeah. Maybe you need to go back and really start like digging through some of those beliefs.

Yeah. That's a good point. You know, like what were some of the things that you believed, you know, uh, about sex? Yeah. What were you, what are some of the things that, you know, You were told or what were the little, the little things that you believed. And so anyways, they, they kind of go through the different lies.

Yeah. And the misconceptions and, um, that I think is really helpful. And can I say something about that real quick? Because sex is a spiritual experience. Remember we talked about it last week, that, that physical sex, it's a physical manifestation of a spiritual. Spiritual truth is that Jesus is the groom.

The church is the bride of Christ, right. We're betrothed right now. And there's that intimacy. That's when Jesus' life comes into the church, there's life. I mean, that's, it's when, when Jesus, when the spirit of the Lord comes into you as an individual, the way that his life manifests out of you is a perfect mix of God's spirit.

And you, yeah. Like, like that you are, it's so unique. It's like when Tori and I got together and we had Trey and we had Jake and Allie and Lund, uh, those four little kids are an exact mix of Jason and Tori. And it's my love for her. And the same is true in our relationship with God and our relationship with Jesus that his life comes into us.

And then it comes out of us as a new life. Right. And then it just has to grow. So sex is a spiritual experience. Now here's the thing. We, men are supposed to be the spiritual leaders of our home, which means that includes sex. You need to make sure. And, and I said this last week, You recognize that the focus of sex is on your partner, it's on your spouse.

So if I'm talking to men, it's not about you, it's about her. So your desire needs to be, what can I do? to get to, to please her, to get her, to relax, to give her a sense of fulfillment. Right, right. Because she needs that just as much as you do, but, but obviously, you know, we guys we're just got testosterone in us, which, which is like the pursuit chemical mm-hmm

So we're just sitting here trying to pursue and, and all that kind of stuff. And it could find ourselves moving to some baseline. I just need sex type thing, right? No, no, no, no. It's gotta be deeper than. Let your focus beyond your wife, right? And, and when you're focusing on her, you're studying her, you're figuring out what makes it work for her, focus on that first, right.

Take a backseat and then watch, watch what happens to your sex life. And then I think you'll find that your wife will begin responding to you in ways she never has before. And your sex life will increase, which will also increase your relational life with each other. Right? Yeah. That's so good. That's so true.

And as you're, you're talking about the correlation between. The, you know, um, the bride and yeah. And Christ, right? Yeah. Like, could you imagine if you had this belief as a church that you were just there to, to, to please? Yeah. Your God, no, to please. God. Yeah, but that there was no reciprocation. There was no nothing in it for you.

Yeah. Right. That's just not relationship. That's not, that's warped. that's a terrible way to believe, right? Yep. And I think that we just have to make sure that we, um, get that straight first. Like it, it is intimacy should be pleasurable for both people. Yes. And if it's not, then. There's a, there's a problem.

Like that's right. You really need to start there. Like it ha there is, there is a purpose for it. It should be it's intimacy. Yeah. It should be intimacy. It should be pleasurable. Yes. And I think that if it's not, then that's a really good place to start because you're not gonna wanna do something. And you know, what's crazy too tour that you say that and sorry, I interrupted.

Can I, can I go on with this thought? Yeah, go for it. Okay. Go for it. Um, I was starting feeling comfortable. Here's what's crazy. , that's so funny. Um, cuz obviously, you know, uh, in a guy we've got testosterone and that that's like a hormone that, that really makes us wanna accomplish things and, and all of that.

And when after sex, what typically happens is the woman typically has a little more energy and the guy has a little. Right because he's released himself, he's released a part of his energy and it, it, for, into the wife mm-hmm and so she experiences more energy. The guy experiences more relaxation. It's like, give me a Stoy, you know, although I don't smoke stogie, but still want to don't you

Yeah, I do now. No, but, but, and, but yet God is. I made it this way. Yeah. I, I made your bodies this way. Right? Husband's wives come together, wife, you need your husband. You need him to release himself in you. You need a husband, you need your wife to yield herself to you and, and all of these things. And in doing that.

It's like crazy to think that that is the, the, it is simply a mystery. Yeah. That mystery is, is that is a physical manifestation of a spiritual truth right. Of how God's life comes into us. Right. And gives us energy. Yeah. Gives us new life. Yes. Yeah. True. And we can't let's Satan come and pervert that right at all.

We cannot let that happen. That's why we wanted to do a two part thing on this. Yeah. So it's so incredibly important. Did you have another thing you wanted to read outta that book tour? No. I mean, there's just, so there's just real, some really good practical, um, practical things in this book. I'm trying to think if there's anything I wanted to cover, but, um, okay, well, it's fine, but just remember guys, I'm gonna go back to our three part framework last week.

The purpose of sex is intimacy. The product of sex is life. That's why it's pleasurable. One thing that you, I think you talked about, um, sorry, I interrupted you. No, no, that's good. Um, I think it was two podcasts ago. You were talking about the, just the power of touch. Was that in our podcast? Yeah. Was we were talking with Nathan and Tassey Smith.

We were talking about how Dr. John Gottman says that, uh, bids, when someone makes a bid and they'll reach out and touch a hand that the couples that are the most fulfill. Are the ones where the receiving partner of the bid responds favorably to it? Yes. Yeah. Yep. But if they don't respond favorably to it, then they're typically not a fulfilled or a happy couple and most often break apart.

So right. A man does make bids for sex more than a woman's gonna make bids. Yeah. And so it's important for, for you guys to know that when the bid is made, you need to respond, especially if it fits within your rhythm. Well, one of the things that they talked about in this book was just the power of touch.

Yeah. And how important it is to touch throughout the day and how we need that. Our bodies respond really well to that. Mm-hmm um, and, you know, holding hands massages, hug. And just like reaching out and touching, like just, you know, throughout the day, just little touches, how important they are and how our bodies respond really positive to those cuz they're loving touches and we're drawn to love.

Right. And we're energized by love. And um, we operate our very best through the power of that love. And so, um, that, I, I just thought that that was really good. Um, for me to be. to be open to that, to see that as a good thing, to see touch and as a really good thing. And as I'm more open to it, I'm like, oh my goodness.

I actually, like, I've never been a physical touch as one of my love languages. Right. But as I began to see that touch is the power of touch mm-hmm and to see how good it feels and to let myself take it in to enjoy it. Appreciate it. I actually. I think I'm becoming a physical touch girl. Like, I, I really like, that's awesome.

Like when you and I are holding hands, like I never like, yeah. I just think what you appreciate and what you allow yourself to take in. Yes. Um, and if, and, and what you see as good. Yeah. Like this is good. And like, I think sometimes it takes like science to show us it's good. you know, like, oh my goodness, this is really good.

Um, Anyways. That was one thing that it is interesting that, that he said. And I, and I, I couldn't agree more like it's interesting how, if you know, we all have our different love languages. I think we did a podcast on that. Your five love languages, physical touch, word, touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service and gifts.

Mm-hmm um, a physical touch guy followed by words of affirmation. You were have always been a quality time, girl mm-hmm . But when you, uh, proactively seek to meet your spouse's love language, what happens is it can gradually become your love. So now all of a sudden I'm a quality time guy, which was probably last on my list.

Well, next to gifts and you've never been physical touch, but now me reaching out and holding your hand is like a big deal to you. Yeah. And it never used to be because how you give love is, is how you receive it. Yeah. Like it's like, if I'm gonna intentionally love you like this. And I know that I'm working hard to love you, then you it's, you're become more aware.

Oh my goodness. Yeah. I actually like that too. That makes that's how you show me love. Okay. I actually will receive that as love. Yeah. I think so many times our, our spouse loves us the way they know how to love us, but because we're not open to be loved that way. We just cut it off. Yes. But if, if we can be open to the different ways that people love us and I mean, yeah, we can be open and, and communicate.

Like, I actually really like it when you do this, this and this. But if they're loving you in another way, that's not the way you're typically it's up to you to choose, to be loved. That's right. Yeah. You need to be open to love to receive it. Yes. As love. Yeah. Like we need to be in a posture with our hands open to receive love.

Yeah. However you wanna give it, I'm taking it. Yeah. You know, like that kind of posture. That's good. Okay. So, so listen, I, I, I just, because repetition is key. So if you haven't listened to part one of our talk on sex, which was last week, go back and listen to it. Cuz we give a three part framework for viewing sex and then four keys to great sex.

And so I'm just gonna repeat 'em real quick, cuz it's, it's so important that you capture this and you get it as a part of who you are and make it a part of your relationship. But the purpose of sex is intimacy. Intimacy is to be fully known and fully. The product of sex is life mm-hmm , it's physical, emotional, spiritual, relational life.

And that's why it's pleasurable. When the pleasure overtakes the purpose, then you forfeit the product. So it's always focusing on your spouse and then the four keys to great sex, establish your rhythm. Mm-hmm how often you'll do it, uh, recognize which means pay attention to the things you love, like respect and are thankful for in each other.

Relax into it. Yeah, just let it happen. And then view sex as a. Not an obligation when you do that. Everything changes. And the book that I talked about is called married sex by Gary Thomas in Deborah Valletta. It's a, is a really good one. It's a good one. I actually am not. I'm only three fourths of the way through.

So if something comes up, that's weird at the end. It's not Tori's don't fall. Don't I'm just kidding. don't judge her. Okay. Um, would you rather, are you ready? You wanna do, what would you. Would you rather have small chickens in your mouth that act as teeth into your gosh, what is this? or have small flies in your eyes that let you see 10 times better?

Small flies in my eyes. Yeah. Questions, small chickens in your mouth that act as teeth and chew your food for you. What? I don't even understand that I'm, I'm gonna need to vet these, these people are to weird. Yeah. That, okay. Let me vet these things first. Give me the flies. Give me the flies. All right. Hey, thank you guys for hanging out with us.

Um, we appreciate all your feedback and, but I am gonna need some of you to step up and start, start sending us some new jokes. Okay. please, please. I beg you. I know. All right, let's see you next week.