Beauty in Battle Podcast

Marriage, Family, and Business w/David & Lori Benham

October 10, 2023 Jason Benham, Tori Benham Episode 87
Marriage, Family, and Business w/David & Lori Benham
Beauty in Battle Podcast
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Beauty in Battle Podcast
Marriage, Family, and Business w/David & Lori Benham
Oct 10, 2023 Episode 87
Jason Benham, Tori Benham

Today's episode is a fun one - we're joined by Jason's twin brother, David, and his wife Lori to talk about all things marriage and family. They've been married for 25 years, have five kids together, and own multiple businesses. We dive deep into the best advice they have for married couples and the parenting best-practices they've used to raise five children who all love Jesus. 

A few highlights: 

  • Learn their #1 marriage habit that keeps their relationship strong. 
  • Discover the "cone method" for parenting that ensures the greatest outcome for kids. 
  • How to balance work/life issues. 
  • The key to unlocking intimacy. 
  • How to handle conflict "shoulder-to-shoulder" to ensure deeper connection. 
  • and a lot more...


Show Notes Transcript

Today's episode is a fun one - we're joined by Jason's twin brother, David, and his wife Lori to talk about all things marriage and family. They've been married for 25 years, have five kids together, and own multiple businesses. We dive deep into the best advice they have for married couples and the parenting best-practices they've used to raise five children who all love Jesus. 

A few highlights: 

  • Learn their #1 marriage habit that keeps their relationship strong. 
  • Discover the "cone method" for parenting that ensures the greatest outcome for kids. 
  • How to balance work/life issues. 
  • The key to unlocking intimacy. 
  • How to handle conflict "shoulder-to-shoulder" to ensure deeper connection. 
  • and a lot more...


So we've got a fun episode today. I'm excited. And I want to welcome those in our expert ownership, uh, faith filled entrepreneur community that we are porting over today to the beauty and battle podcast, because we have. My twin brother, David and his wife, Lori on the podcast. You know, it's funny cause Tori and I were walking around the block the other day and I said, no, no, you did tour.

You're like, why haven't we had David Lurie on the podcast yet? I'm like, ah, I didn't even think about it. I just had Beth Scott and Beth who celebrated their 35th anniversary. You guys were on your 25th anniversary. Yes. We need to have Dave and Lori when they get back. We're so excited. So fun. Even though David really probably won't have anything worth saying.

No, Lori, this is all on you today. I can tell you why you haven't had us on because people, you don't want people to know I'm smarter than you. You're better at marriage. I'm better at marriage. So they, 25th wedding anniversary and they went to London and, uh, Wales. Where was it? Bath, Wales, Cotswolds. It was amazing.

It's so fun. So, and they've got five kids. They all love Jesus. Um, David and I obviously have had businesses together, Dave and Lori also have an investment business together. Um, Lori, you also do some other stuff with teaching and tutoring and all that. So we have had, you know, we're entrepreneurs and we've been real busy, but at the same time they have a great relationship where they've fallen more in love.

They understand each other better now than they did. If you had to marry each other again, would you? Absolutely. I'm so glad you answered that so fast. Of course I would. I'd be an idiot not to. Then we're going to ask some good questions. Tori's going to rock those out. Um, as to how in the world you just said yes to that.

Okay. Now, before we do, we always have a, I got a special treat for you guys. Because we always have a special song. And so what I have to guess it, no, you, you'll know it immediately, but I played, uh, this is a song that you guys are going to love because David and Lori danced to this 25 years ago. And I was wondering if you're going to play that one.

Yeah. Here's the, here's the best part of the song.

That was the one I can still see us dancing to it. I can too.

Just a little bit more. This is the song. It is. I love it.

They don't make songs like this anymore. No, they don't. Our kids love that song too. I love it. Just a little bit more.

David, you belt this part out. I know. I'm holding myself back from singing. And crying. Thank me later. All right. There we go. I love that. That was great. That brought a tear to my eye. Good feelings. So, well, here's, listen, let me, I'm taking Shania Twain and Brian White from this moment. So everybody who's listening, I know that you're going to want to know what song that is.

And, and I love when we play those songs because some of you reach out and you're like, I never heard that song before. I'm going to play it. And y'all end up. So dance with each other. You need to dance to that. And once the song hit, that's when you and I started spinning. We had already, we didn't really even practice because we danced all the time when we were engaged.

Okay, so this is what people don't know. Now I'm taking over the podcast. This is why I'm always so quiet. This is why people, what people don't know. At our wedding, that was when Jason had, there was a girl that was so forward that actually bought a ticket to come to my wedding and Jason called and said no.

You cannot come to my brother's wedding. This was crazy from Dallas. And then because Jason had already known that a young Tori was going to be at the wedding. So here we're dancing at the wedding and Jason and Tori off in the corner, things are budding and sparkling. For Jason and Tori. So he, he used my what I could, you get, look, we paid like what?

10 grand for that. Uh, DJ and food. So Jason, you owe me some cash. We brokered the deal. I was brokering the deal for Jason and Tori at our wedding. So let me now, now I have to take 60 seconds to explain what that is because, um, I had been talking to a girl when I was at Liberty And this is before I was talking to Tori and this girl, I mean, I knew she was not marriage material.

And, uh, and the next thing I know, I had told her about David and Lori's wedding. And here I was, I just graduated college. David graduated college and we're in pro ball. And I told her about the wedding. She goes and buys herself a ticket and says, she's going to come see me at the wedding. And I'm like, you have got to be kidding me.

So anyway, long story short, I had to say no to that. And it was at their wedding. That Tori and I began our relationship. So it worked out great. So fun to be a part of that. It's a good way to start. It was so jealous watching us, jealous watching his twin brother twirl his bride around the, around the dance floor.

Tori, we had, we had a little dance that wedding, didn't we? We did. Yeah, we did. Okay. Hey, we want to, let's just jump right in. Because obviously you guys have been married 25 years, your kids love Jesus, you still love each other, you'd say yes again, so we want to jump right in and get to some of what makes you guys you.

Yes. Okay, so I'm going to start with this question. If you guys could go back to the night before your wedding and give yourself one piece of advice, what would that be? Oh, boy. Don't worry. Don't you answer first. Don't do it on a beach. Oh, no. Watch out. Yeah. Okay. So, Lori says, watch out. No, I know that. I mean, partly, yes.

Yes. You're in for it. No. Um, okay. I was thinking about this one and I, I was thinking, I wish someone told me that marriage and life really is so full of different seasons. Yes. That's good. I feel like a lot of people say marriage is a lot of up and downs and there's a lot of things that happen that, you know, there'll be good, there'll be bad, there'll be ups, there'll be downs.

And it kind of gives the impression that there'll be like short lived or there'll be quick things that will come up and there'll be resolved pretty quickly. You'll be good again, but everybody knows that's been married long enough at all knows that marriage really does have seasons and seasons last a while.

And some are really good and they're so, uh, bring so much joy and growth and maturity and then others are really difficult and you really can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. And you're going to all inevitably go through that in marriage. And I just, it would have been so good. I don't know that I would have heard it, you know, cause you're new get married.

It's just, you're kind of just excited about everything, but just a realistic, but you know, life giving view that. Seasons will happen and they're all so different, but see it through like just keep going because it's so worth it. And once you've been married, like we're 25 years now, it is better than ever.

I feel like every season that we grew, we had life giving things and it was hard. Once you can weather those things together. You get through on the other side, you're so much stronger. So I got to piggyback. I want to piggyback that real quick. Okay. So what, what was your hardest season and what is your best season?

Okay. For sure. Our hardest was a mixture of our first year and like seven to 10, like somewhere or even five to 10, those were kind of hard years, like child rearing years. Those were Um, very demanding and I was trying to figure it out as a mom and then try to be a good wife and we are learning each other.

That was exactly. And that's the other thing is every season is a different version of you that comes out that you're figuring out and your husband's, you know, figuring out. So I would say one. Five, seven, probably around there with the hardest. And if somebody is married right now, seven years, they're experiencing that hardship.

What do you say to that mom, that, that wife? I would say that you, your mindset honestly is everything. Your end goal is we're in this for life. How can we lean into the Lord when it looks awful and messy, right? How can we in our mind and our mindset be, we will pull through in the Lord. We will. Get help.

We will reach out to others and we will just dig in with the Lord like it's messy. It's just hard keeping that vision. Yes, what you want. Yes, keeping the vision in front of you. And honestly, just knowing that this doesn't last forever. What's your best season? Definitely the last, I would say 10 years has been our absolute best.

I mean, I, I feel like David and I have grown in levels that are deeper than I could have ever imagined. He's my very best friend. He's my confidant. He's, we're like best friends, but lovers, like we're everything that you could imagine marriage could be. But in the last 10 years, I feel like we've really seen it.

It's so good. I think it's the three things about this season because Tori and I would say this is our best season to the three things. First, older kids. Yes. To me are easier than younger kids. Discretionary time and discretionary income. So those three things say I like this season better. Well, you know, it's not to be poor.

It's interesting though, in terms of those seasons for Lori, uh, it was probably easier to connect with the kids at younger. Well, she's connecting with them now amazingly, but I'm way better for older kids. I was, I wasn't useless. I was very, I was a very nice tool in her toolbox, right? For the young ones.

Yeah. But I mean, that's her sweet spot. Yeah. But, but, but so the, the difficult time, seven to 10. Our hardest time was we had a six year old, a four year old, a two year old, and a newborn. And she had postpartum depression. And she didn't, we didn't have family around that was helping. And so it was really hard.

And she, she had a very difficult births. So it was, it was just hard. And so she was homeschooling our six and our four and putting all the pressure of like, I have to train my kids and. She's also nursing a child. We had a two year old running around David and I were off out. Who knows where we're building a business, Utah, building a company, yeah, eating in five star steakhouses.

It was, we were building the company. And so it was just very hard. And I wasn't, I wasn't as sensitive. I was very much like, You know, I'm a provider and, and I'm a protector and I'm really good at it. And I'm a hard worker, you know, and I'm faithful on the road. And when I come home, you know, and I didn't, I wasn't demanding, but in my mind, I had this expectation that, you know, she was still going to like, want to pursue me physically, physical touches, my love language.

So I loop it all back to the first question. What would you say to yourself the night before you got married? And I would. I don't know how to boil this down into, um, I would say it's not all about you. Like, you know, and honestly, like I'm pledging my life to her and I might, I have a resolute mindset that we're in this for life.

And I think I'm covenanting with my wife and going to serve and sacrifice for her. But truly I was a self absorbed, selfish. Self centered. If there's any other word that has self in it, that was me, honestly. And so she simply learned when she got married what I knew all along. That was the oh no part. But, but, but honestly, what would I say to myself the night before I got married?

Well, it would be, it would, what I really would say the night before I got married would it be too, would be too late. I wish it was. Years or even months before I got married You need to be plugging into I wish we had podcast because back in the day we didn't have podcast We didn't have I mean we had books.

Yeah, but I'm a reader I would listen to podcasts like this and this isn't some shame shameless plug for your podcast But we didn't have any of that. I wasn't hearing like mentors saying hey, sir You need to get over yourself, serve your wife. Oh, and by the way, if you're not intimate for a week, it's okay because there's probably a lot going on in her life.

I did not hear that. I had to experience that. And then through that, I, all of a sudden I start feeling rejection. So even the night before our marriage, I wish someone would have come up to me and said, Hey, listen, don't force the intimacy. Just chill. She's got so much on her mind. She's leaving home for the first time ever.

She's, she's detaching from her mother and father, which is, has a soul connection. She has all of her friends around her. This is the night of her life. Just enjoy it. Count the checks. You know what I'm saying? And, and it's not like we forced anything. It was really bad, but you know, not to be, you know, go any further than that.

But still it was like. In my mind, it's, you, you think at least as a young man, I didn't have any, I thought like, okay, well you're on a honeymoon and that just means endless intimacy and really it's all about the guy and it's just stupid and now all of a sudden Lori and I are talking and she's tearing up and I'm like, I feel rejected and we just want, she just wanted to talk and walk on the beach.

I'm like, why would we do that when we've got all this time? Have you seen my abs? They look really good right now. Well, but anyway, so, but as we, yeah. As we, I wish someone would've not only said, you know, it's not all about you, but said you need counseling. You need to, you guys need to learn from the older couples that have gone before you and just learn and listen.

What do you say to, and, and before we get to Tori's second question that she wants to ask you guys, what, so I wanna ask you something to use something real quick. What do you say to the entrepreneur guy out there who was where you were? Eight years into marriage, Lori's at home and he's off charging out and conquering the world.

What do you say to him? And then Lori, what do you say to the mom who is experiencing postpartum? So first day, uh, first of all, she is a gift. There are two things that God gives men that are gifts in scripture. And I asked Bailey, my oldest boy, this years ago. I said they both, the, the, the answer starts with a W for both words and he said wealth and women.

And I said, no, you idiot, a wife and work. Those are two things that are a gift from God. And so reframing your mind, this is a gift that God gave me and she's worth it. And, and, um, just like during the seven to 10 years is your role is to nourish her and to bless her. And to, she's not there to just support you, right?

Like, don't raise your, the level of your business or your job or all the stuff you do at your church over that of what your wife is doing. Actually put her above all that other stuff. Yeah. And that is greatly helped because, I mean, like you say, God's not just your father, he's your father in law. Yeah. He wants you to treat his daughter, not just with your actions, but also in your heart.

No contempt. Don't be contemptuous. Like I remember in a very subtle way. I was a guy that would always, I make my bed. I, my shoes are always in order. I get married. Laurie doesn't make the bed and her shoes aren't in order and I remember something that stupid and simple But I used to have contempt for that as if I'm better Yeah, like yeah, which is stupid like she needs to do that, right?

But then list the ways if you're seven to ten years list the way she's better than you and that list will go on Yeah on and on and start thinking about that and then thanking God for it and then pray How can I support her in these ways? Because she's carrying way more emotional weight than you ever could imagine carrying.

She just has the ability to do that. God gives it to her. So. Anyway, that's, that's what I would say. And you guys got pregnant like us right from the jump. Like, you were pregnant right away. So that brings a whole nother dynamic to the relationship. Because you're not just thinking about you, you're thinking about your baby.

I know. You're sick. I know. It's all the things. I feel like you can say a lot to moms during that stage, but to actually carry even yourself through it is so difficult. It's hard. Like, it's hard even to like, Get into the word, like you don't even have time to go to the bathroom by yourself. So it's hard to think of what I would have done differently.

I think more my message would be to anybody surrounding young moms. Um, because I'm, I'm talking with some moms now and, and I'll give them advice that I wish I had, but they, they're like, but how do I do that? You know what I mean? Like, is the reality that I can actually do that? And so I started thinking yesterday, well, that's why she's reaching out.

Like we, young moms need. Mentoring and people just loving them. Yes. So my message would be more for like, you know, friends, mothers, more mother in laws, like, um, mothers and aunts or uncles or just older women in the church because other moms are going through the same thing as you. Like, do you see a mom that has four kids that is just going crazy?

Yeah. Send them a text and encourage them. Ask them if they can go for a walk and they can just spill the beans. Like what's going on? I think. That old way of older women teaching the younger women just what the word says is that's missing now is why it is so hard Yeah, we do not have community. Yeah, cuz you're by yourself in a room with your kids I don't want anyone to see me like that, right?

I was like a shell of myself right David was at work and I don't think I I didn't reach out for help I didn't think anybody would understand really. Yeah, exactly. I thought I was like the crazy town going in my head. So I would just, I think it's more for people around you, like. How can you help them?

One of the things Lori is doing that she would not say on the podcast but I'm watching it is she's reaching out to these young moms and they're pulling up, they're coming, they're going for walks. Ah, I love that. And so Lori has got several, I mean on this huge, uh, this little, I don't want to call it a text thread, but she's got lots of moms on various texts and she's like, come over so I'll come home and I'll see a random car in the driveway and there's Lori with another mom walking around.

And that mile, that mile loop in our neighborhood is the hardest mile. It is, it is really hard. You're, you're sweating, but it's really been good. Lori's becoming what she always wanted. Yes, that's amazing. So powerful. I love that so much. And to put some context around what, you know, we're talking about that stage of life where David and Jason are traveling and we've got nine kids between us.

Oh yes. It's a baseball team. Yup. Yup. And you know, the guys are telling us all this amazing, delicious steak meals that they're eating. Lori and I found ourself at Chick fil A. So many nights. Probably four out of the five. Our kids lived in that playground. They called, the Chick fil A owner actually said they had a name for us.

That's where I was going. That's right. They had a name for us, which is hysterical. Every time we'd show up at Chick fil A there was a code name for our nine kids. We still don't know what the code name is. I thought it was the Tornado. The Benham Tornado. The Benham Tornado. He would say the Benham Tornado is here.

Oh, I believe it. We were. We were the Benham we left Bailey at Chick fil A. We got a call two hours after we left Chick fil A from the owner, Roland, and he said, hey, you know, your boy is here. I'm like, what? He goes, he's safe. He's okay. He's on his what second. Well, I have to clarify me. Yes. I mean, we were actually my fault.

No, it wasn't. We were dividing up. Of course. We thought you had him. Yeah, we thought we had him. He's still, he's still got us nervous twitch, but Bailey's forgiven us. Bailey has a special place. They took good care of him. They did. He ate a lot that day. Okay. So we're going to move on to the next question.

What are some of your best marriage practices, things that you intentionally do on a regular basis that strengthen your relationship? Well, unanimously, we would both say taking walks together. We're in a stage where we can do that and it's our decompress time. It's time where we can just pray for the kids, pray for each other.

Um, sometimes we just don't bring our phones at all. We try not to. That's the goal. Um, but yeah, I feel like moving and walking and talking brings about so many good conversations. I feel so much better when we get back. I feel like we've connected and, um, Yeah, I just feel like it's one of our best practices other than I would say holding hands a lot too.

Yeah, we hold hands a lot. We pray together. I would say during the seven to ten years, the Lord did a work in my heart right at about ten. So at ten years of marriage, we had a ten year old because we got pregnant three months in. So I think we had a nine year old, it was nine, seven, five, three, pregnant with number four or pregnant with number five.

So, um, I knew I was like, I really want to step up and I wanted to systematize something. So we got, uh, Elisa Volk, which was Scott and Beth Volk's daughter. I basically put her on retainer. I said every Friday night, like clockwork and it was her and a couple other girls. But I would say, Laurie is all I knew as, as a husband and a father, I wanted to give Laurie a light at the end of the tunnel.

Yeah. Yeah. So every Friday at four 30, they come over. So that Lori can detach from the kids and she can prepare dinner or whatever if she threw something frozen in the microwave, whatever. Um, but then Lori can detach, take a nice long shower. I come home at 5. 30, I take her out on a date. But then... Alisa or the babysitter would know that's her or Sarah.

I love Sarah. Um, and I love Alisa. But anyway, so they would then the, the, the goal was, and I would tell them, I'm going to pay you extra. I want you to, you know, not only feed the kids, do the Bible study with them, bathe them, put them in bed. And after they get to bed, do a load of laundry and clean the kitchen.

Vacuum the living room like Lori knew that by the time at 4 30 when the babysitter came She's in the shower and just relaxing and there she's there in the hands of really good wonderful young girls We just love them and then she knew that she would not have to see the kids until the next morning at 7 a.

m When they woke up So that was perfect because we would come home or I can see them sleeping. That's the dishes. Oh, you're like I do love them But it was perfect because everything was done and we did that for ten years Yeah, I mean we that was just as consistent as anything in it that helped us. Do you know how few couples though?

You don't have consistent date night. That's danger. They just put it off. Yeah. It's danger. But you realize how amazing it is for a woman to have that, that hope in front of you. Like it is really tough, but Friday's coming. Yes, that's right. That's exactly right. And making it big. And especially as we talk to entrepreneurs all the time that use your money.

Like, don't think, oh man, that's going to cost me a lot. It's going to cost me 200 bucks for the night, you know, 300 bucks for the night if I do a date night. Who the heck cares? Yeah. Spend the money. You need it. You need it for your sanity. Absolutely. It's worth every penny. It is. Difference between being cheap and frugal.

Cheap means you're cutting costs at someone else's expense. Frugal means you're cutting costs at your own expense. So men, be frugal with yourself. Like cut costs at your own expense. If you have to cut a couple of days of golf, cut it and pour that money into your spouse and lavish her on that date. Let her order anything she wants and then take her and maybe even buy her something at the mall.

David and I learned that. It was probably what, four or five years into our business. We were crushing it by God's grace and we were always taking clients out to these big five star steakhouses and then we'd go home and we'd have date night and we'd go to Panera Bread, you know. And then David and I literally are on the plane and I was like, I don't know if this makes sense.

Like we're spending all this money on these people who can make us money, but not our wives. And so we changed it. We legit changed it. And I remember the first time Tori and I went for a steak. It was at a place called toast in Davidson. And this is before it became the famous toastery. And so they were open for dinner.

And I bought a 40 steak or something. And she got like shrimp and grits, but it was 75, right? Now this is 20 years ago, it was 75. And I remember thinking, Oh my gosh, I just spent 75 on my date night, which today would be about 150 bucks. And, uh, but it felt really good as we were walking out of there and Tori rewarded me handsomely.

That now we get down to the bottom of the real motivation, but listen, those Friday nights always turn into something amazing. And it really does help your intimacy. It helps everything. You gotta. You gotta set the stage. I agree. I love that. Okay, David, this question is for you. What are some of Laurie's strengths that have helped build the marriage you have today?

You know, it's funny. I was thinking about this. Um, I woke up this morning and Laurie had the questions. And she was looking at it and she asked me that question and I'll say exactly what I said to her. I can't just list one because she's got so many and I don't mean that, but she's got so many strengths.

I try to think about like, well, what were my strengths? I can't really list many. But when I think about her strengths, I would say she, um, in, in, uh, in college, I knew she really liked me like that. And that felt amazing. But when you get married. And all of a sudden, you start having kids. You're not so sure.

Don't ask your wife, if I'm on a trip with, with the oldest boys, or if I'm on a trip with one of my kids, which one would you miss more, me or the kids? She's like, you don't want me to answer that. That's really funny. But it's true, because, I mean, I think I, she spoiled me early. That I was just for four years at Liberty.

I mean, she was just, he called me Benham boy. She was just crazy for me and I knew it. And it made me feel like I was always plugged into the charging block. Right. Then you get married and you know, I'm like, Hey. You know, you still you got time for me tonight. Maybe all I need is five minutes. You know, she's like, I'm exhausted and I'm like, crap.

I started feeling like garbage. Like, and it wasn't her. It was me not realizing, man, we've got kids and there's just so much. Can I pause one second for that? Because David and I kind of both. But as entrepreneurs, and this is why, you know, we wanted to bring the expert ownership community into this podcast.

One of the issues for me and David is that we had too much intensity when we came home. That same intensity that we had at the office and crushing it in business. Then we'd come home and if, You know, if, if things didn't look like they were being crushed in terms of where the kids are and all that kind of stuff, we would like bulldoze and it can shut your wife off big time.

So you got it. You can't, you got to leave that at the office. We kept our office immaculate. I mean, everything just, we just. Jason and I are very OCD in that regard. Yeah, I'd be, I'd be seeing his car coming in and I'd be like, I've seen all the pillows! Like, hurry! Your heart rate is going up. See, now everybody hates me and Jason now.

Thanks for saying that, babe. Well, honey, that was, that was during the bad times. Dive! Dive! Yeah, we're, trust me. We're, uh, we're definitely different men now. But, anyway, so... Lori would I, I look back now, I didn't know it then, but I look back now and just her strength of, she truly prioritized me. She truly.

Like held the entire family together emotionally with the kids. Um, and, and loved me in a far deeper way than I, than I, she ever loved me during the four years when I always felt it and saw it. Does that make sense? So I don't really know how to say, she just got like such deep roots in my soul to where I look back now and I'm like, I'm her guy.

Like I'm, I'm her number one. I know it. I feel it. I sense it. Um, but I still, I mean, we have a lot of conversations about this in full transparency. I many times feel insecure about that. And I will have to, like if I reach over and hold her hand or, and she's like literally in the middle of making dinner or something, she's like, I'm like trying for five seconds.

I'm like, all right, I know he needs this right now, I'll hug her, but I'm like. Focused on the other thing I have to do. It's funny now I'll come up and I'll give her a big hug and she's literally in the middle of something so important. Yeah. But I've learned to like Stop, stop. Embrace. Yes. Little squeeze.

Alright. He's gone. On that note. Um, and, and what we tell, uh, wives all the time is that your husband is still a boy. Yeah. Like a Labrador puppy that needs to be tickled. Yeah. And when he jumps into your lap, like he'll never get over that. But at the same time, Sometimes he doesn't pick the best times because he's a, he's still a boy.

Like what would you want in that moment for your daughter in law to do to your son? I know. I thought about that a lot. That's good. So anyway, sorry. Yeah. Yeah. So, so, so anyway, that's it is like she, she, um, She, she really, I know, I know I'm her, I know I'm her guy. You're just very secure in her love. Exactly.

That's it. That's all that to say one. Good job, Tori. Tori's like, you could have saved us. You could have saved us all that nonsense. I know you love to hear yourself talk. I love it. That's

really good. Okay, Lori, I'm going to ask you the same question. What are some of David's strengths that you have? you believe contribute most to the marriage you have today? Yes. Okay. So he has a ton. Um, and the, the ones that came to my head right away are that he can be very vulnerable, which I think is really hard for a husband to do, but we have had so many late night talks that are amazing.

Like he will, he's really good communicator. And so that really works to his advantage because You know, sometimes you just have to talk for a really long time about things and you're going roundabout, but he's not afraid to be super vulnerable, to apologize, to say, okay, well, I'm not understanding this.

Well, you know, what does that mean? And those conversations have arrived at so much like a deeper level of intimacy for us that I've been so appreciative of because he's, he can get there, which I think is really hard. And I think husbands learn how to do that and some kind of naturally are more like that when they get married.

But. For, um, for David, I've just seen him really hone in that skill of like, okay, I'm going to be vulnerable. I'm just going to communicate all that I'm feeling laid on the table. And honestly, I would rather him, even if it's not good news or things that are hard, I'd rather hear it than him hide it. Yeah.

So I'm so thankful that he's vulnerable and honest. And then, um, He's just a super disciplined guy by name, you know, he's always been disciplined. Like I watched Chase put his shoes in his basketball, um, bag, like perfectly with like the two toes going in first and then the socks going in. And I'm like, I'm watching David.

This is crazy. I didn't teach him that. No, he's just, that's just who he is. And I feel like that has rolled over into marriage in so many beneficial good ways, because he's. Discipline is one of the roots of the spirit, and it helps him in so many areas, like he's disciplined in his mind and his heart to stay pure, to come home and when he's tired, he pushes himself to still be involved and be all there.

He is disciplined in his work to provide for his family. He's disciplined in reading the word and leading our family. Like, it is irreplaceable. The discipline that he has has brought life and stability and roots and grounding to our family. I love that. So can I say something about discipline real quick?

Because, um, you know, as men, especially when we get out there and we, we want to accomplish and we want to operate in that kingly role discipline, we, we got to remember disciplines goal is delight. That sometimes when you're experiencing delight, then call off the discipline and just be present in the moment of delight.

That's what you want. So, and I say that because being entrepreneurs, we just constantly like push towards discipline. We push towards discipline, but the goal is to get to a point where we can experience delight. So when you're disciplined in a guy like Chase. You know, he's disciplined in basketball and he's out shooting five, 600 shots as a 13 year old, that discipline has a goal.

That goal is to experience delight on the basketball court. One day when he's playing at the high level D one at that moment, you just don't have to operate in discipline. You just have to experience the delight and be fully present for a man, specifically when you've got discipline in your life and you've got discipline in your business and all of that, when you're with your wife.

And everything is like put up and the kids are asleep and everything is where it needs to be at that moment, call off the dogs, relax and just experience the delight. Yes, that's so good. And I have to add, David is a lot of fun. That is a game changer in the home because life is hard, but like he brings a ton of fun.

So I have to add that too. It does the shuffle shuffle, yeah, all those things, yeah. Can I give one quick hack before you ask your, okay so on the uh, transparency or vulnerability hack for the men. When you decide to be incredibly vulnerable, do not expect intimacy after that. Because then she'll always think you were on to something.

Wait for the next night and it's a lot better. Call it NSA. That's good. No strings attached. This is an NSA convo. There babe, I just let you into my secret. That's gonna save a lot of people. I already knew it, but yes, that's good. So was I vulnerable last night? Cause it didn't happen tonight's the night, tonight's the night.

No, we're going to be in Colorado tonight. Yeah. Yeah. That's I'll be with Jason. Our kids are like. Stop. Yeah, exactly. Oh, I guarantee right now, Ava and Ella listening to this are going, Oh, she's gonna hate it. Yeah. Well, they especially would hate it whenever I say that David and I travel so much together that every now and then when we do share a room, we'll walk in and there's one king bed.

And it's like, you hear the music like screech, let me just bring up more pillows and we do a little force field. We're golden. We're fine. Done it enough. Done it enough. Okay, I want to ask you guys a few parenting questions because I think you guys are amazing parents. You're super intentional. You have amazing kids.

I think, um, you have so much wisdom in this area as well. Um, so looking back, what was the best parenting advice that you received that you still use today? I know you love to talk about that cone method. It is huge. Yeah. Did you want to say something first? Were you going to talk about the cone method? Oh, the one where you put the cone on the kid's head?

The cone of shame like you do a dog? No, no, no. That is good. You know, honestly, that's very kind of you to say we're amazing parents and we have amazing kids and yet we do believe we have amazing kids but we are not. Laurie's an amazing parent I would not have been an amazing parent. Like, we're in the fight together, all of us.

It's almost like a preacher preaching a sermon. But you're in it. He's not necessarily the embodiment of it, though he wants to be but he's just speaking to the... standard trying. So any of these things that we share, it's like we're speaking to a standard, but, but we by no means sit here like we're all perfect people.

No, we struggle. So everybody's dying to know this cone of shame. Well, it's not the cone of shame. It's okay. So Lori and I early on instinctively began to do some things with our discipline of our kids that later on in life. Dr. Kathy Cooke, um, who wrote about the eight great traits for children and I, she put it into a, she put it into a word picture for us and I was like, Lord, that's it.

That's exactly what we've tried to do and we haven't always succeeded and we saw when we didn't apply it, it didn't work. But if you can imagine a cone and not a cone, a triangle, a funnel. A funnel. A V really. A V. A funnel. It's tight at the bottom and loose at the top. It's bigger at the top. That was my 7th grade haircut.

Yeah. The V tape. That's right. Okay, so it's a V, so it's like a funnel. And at the very bottom is your children and they're 0, and they're going up a line through the funnel, right? So as they get... Older, the funnel opens up and that is your boundaries. That is, that is your discipline of your children. So when they are young, you got to keep it tight.

Even in the little things, don't let them talk you out of it. Don't give them the one, two, three, you're negotiating with them that they get to do it on their time. No, you will do it. All the way right away all the way with a happy heart and and not in a mean I'm not saying to be mean here. So for all of you seeker friendly people though.

He's so mean. No, I'm not saying be mean I'm not saying be angry. I'm not saying any of that, but I'm saying you do what you say And you do it consistently. Now this was easier for me because I'm naturally, uh, uh, a little bit more disciplined. Lori's got so much. Yeah, I failed miserably at this. My empathetic, I guess, I'm a nine in the Enneagram, really hates to see people suffer.

Yes. So Bailey, our oldest boy, so imagine this, so your, your kids, they enter the funnel at the bottom when they're young, young, and it's really tight. They, you, you, you set the boundaries, you know, they, they need to follow the rules, but there's lots of love in the house, lots of fun so that they don't feel like they're in some boarding school, but they know mom and dad.

They said something we better do it because I guarantee there will be a response. Oh, you're teaching them authority that their parents are authority. Ultimately, God is our authority over us. So it's like this, you're teaching them authority. That's right. That's right. And as they get older, what happens to the boundaries is that they loosen up.

So by the time they're 16, 17, they're at the top of the funnel. Now they have a phone, they have keys to a car and all this. You can loosen up those boundaries because now they understand the authority structure and they have a self discipline inside them and there's a healthy fear of the Lord and a good God honoring fear of, I don't want to break the rules because I, I'm safe, right?

Now, here's what happens. And this was what Dr. Kathy Cook said, and I loved it. She said, the problem is if you're not tight in the beginning, the cone reverses. Like almost like a mountain. Like you're looking at a mountain peak. And now you're loose at the bottom. Because you're trying to negotiate with Dakota.

And Dakota said, No! And the dad's like, Dakota, use your words. I'm like, Dad, he just did use his words. The dad needs a spank. You need to use your, a wooden spoon, Pop. You know, so anyway. Um, you can't negotiate with Dakota and River and all the people, and they're amazing, but you don't negotiate with the friends, Bailey and Ty.

We have friends that have named their daughter River, and we love that. Oh, I didn't know that. Well, whatever. That's so funny. Tori and Lori's nines are coming out. Whatever. Hey, I'm using names. You don't negotiate with them, and I'm sure River is a sinner, just like Bailey's a sinner, and Ella, and Ava, and Chase, and Ty.

Oh, we're going off the rails. Okay, here's the deal. But see, the cone reverses. Now, all of a sudden, as they get older, they think they're their own boss. They are the authority. They truly are the authority. And, and so what happens is now, all of a sudden, they have a cell phone. And now, all of a sudden, they have the keys to a car.

And you realize the danger that's out there. And what do you as parents do? You start clamping down. Yeah. And that's when rebellion sets in. And that's when the brouhaha's come. Yeah. And that's, so Lori with, this is our, probably our biggest, you know, thing. We, we... Bailey was our first. Mm. He, he was the first of all of us.

Mm-hmm. . And so Bailey, we would, Lori was very, she was homeschooling, so she would negotiate with him at times and, and other things. And later on in life we realized, oh, snap, you know, we, we we're struggling with some discipline issues here. Thank God he came out the other side. 'cause So I want to encourage you, everybody.

Bailey's a baller now. He's everybody. He's a 20. Was he 20? He's amazing. 23. He's about to be 24. He's 24 this month. He's crushing it in life, but I wanted to say that because Maybe you didn't do it exactly right when he was younger, but God's transformation power comes in and you can fix it. We found ourselves tightening the boundaries and he was fighting it.

He's 16, 17 and we're like trying to clamp him down. We screwed it up, but, but the Lord did a great work in his heart. The Lord did a work in my heart, especially as well. Cause here I am Mr. Discipline. And now all of a sudden I'm like, Oh yeah, I'll bring some discipline here. I didn't realize. Holy cow, I've really screwed this whole thing up.

So anyway, that's probably the best parenting advice is to keep it tight. And if you haven't so good, tighten it up, just be honest with your kids. Let them know. I need to tighten it up and here's why. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. As you're saying that, I'm thinking of that verse, love covers a multitude of things.

Yes. That's good. It's like, yeah, you might, we made so many mistakes early on, but I think that our love for our kids, they felt that and thankfully we had, because of that, there was a relationship there that we could, it could be mended. Yes. And so. Yeah. Yeah. So thankful for that. So good. So good. What are some practices you use to connect with your kids?

Um, well, they're all different ages now, so they look a little bit different than when they were in the house. But I would say for the girls, like anytime I can grab them for coffee or nails or something fun, that's good talk time, you know, because they're going to do those things anyway with their friends.

So I'm like, come do it with me, I'll pay for it. And um, so I always try to do that with the girls. And then now that they're getting older, like. Ella will come home and she'll just want to take a walk and stuff. So those are really fun connection times. And with the boys, I just always like food is always a way to their heart.

So I always, you know, always want to do that with them. So, but I feel like with our kids, I'm always texting them. We have a group text. Of course, every family I think does like you just are always trying to connect, connect that way. But I would say. And with that one, I was thinking the biggest thing is being available and the hardest times to be available is really the way to connect with them because they always want to talk when you're either about to go to bed or you're, you have like a list of 10 things and you don't have the free time and they're like baring their heart and you don't want to miss those things.

So I feel like connection with them looks like being available. That is so true. You know, whenever you can. Honestly, I think that's one of the things that you've taught me in motherhood more than anything is that like when we were with our kids and you and I are in a deep conversation and one of our kids would come up and would ask you a question, you would stop, you would look at them and you would address the issue and you were fully present with them.

And I was like, wow, I really stink at that. Like, I would get so sidetracked and I'd be like, hold on, hold on, hold on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you really taught me to do that. So that's something that I've seen. What's so funny? I feel like you are like that, Tor. You're so good at that. Well, I learned it from you.

You know, it's funny you talk about presence because, uh, that's one thing I've seen with Lori. She's so fully present. Um, I love the fact that she will literally, and it used to bother me, I'd call her, and it goes to voicemail, and I'd call her, and it goes to voicemail. I text her, she doesn't text me back.

I'm like, where the heck is she? But now I know. She will literally set her phone down, and she will be so fully present with our kids, or with one of those moms that she's walking around the block with, that she's basically unaccessible. And she has another thing that she does really well. And I see this now with the advent of, you know, it's just all Insta moms, everybody's videoing everything your kid always does.

And there are moments where you don't have to, not everybody needs to share that. Like, why don't you share those moments with your kids, just the two of you so that you guys can experience that together. Yeah. You don't have to broadcast feel that everything your kids will feel that. And I'm telling you, my kids.

Because the boys have even said, I'm so thankful that mom doesn't always video us or video everything she's doing all the time. And it's like, there's a place for that as a mom and a dad to help other people in certain contexts. But to do it all the time was crazy. So Lori's presence has really connect the later.

I've seen it later on where the kids really know, wow, I am the priority for mom. So good. And what we're seeing now that our kids are all older, um, and this is just an encouragement for all of us. So you can have all these practices as parents and you're going to do your absolute dead level best. But the number one thing that you can do is have a great relationship with each other in terms of husband and wife, because You, uh, your family is the, is the university of relationship for your kids.

So you're showing them and you're teaching them by example on how you love another person. So when you take walks together and when you've got those healthy marriage habits and they see you guys talking with each other and not distracted with your phone all the time, but you're actually looking at each other in the eye and talking and laughing.

And hugging each other, your kids are watching that. And they're ultimately, subconsciously, they might not say it at the, at that time, but subconsciously, that's what they want. Yes. And that's what they're gonna go for. Absolutely. So good. Ultimately, that's what we want for our kids, so. Yes. One of the things that we did with our kids that we actually, I think, I don't know if we took it from you guys.

But if you're gonna have a critical conversation or if you're gonna really try to connect don't do a face to face Do it shoulder to shoulder So either you're working together or you're driving in a car or something like that and it makes it a lot easier, babe Didn't you read something about that as well?

Yeah, it's just easier to be moving and talking or not eyeball to eyeball but like in a car facing forward talking about heart issues That's so true. So they don't have to make eye contact with you

I see Tori out rebounding for one of the boys and I'm like, Oh, she's going to have a good conversation. Yeah. Yeah. That is the only time they talk. It's true. Well, this is great. Very distracted. Yes. They start saying things. Hey, well, this is, this is really fun. Now. Do we have a recipe situation before we, before we end, I have to ask you, Laura, you're an amazing cook.

I have to say that our, my sourdough adventure started with Lori. It's been a fun one. It's changed my life. Everyday sourdough. sourdough, um, what is it? Cinnamon rolls? No, I probably should, but I, the second time I made them, they were a total flop. So I'm kind of afraid to share that one until I perfect it.

Okay, but I just have to say. I ate those, um, and Lori makes those for Christmas whenever we all do the Christmas thing, and I'm not joking, they were better than Cinnabon. 100%. And you did all healthy ingredients and stuff, so I mean, you could still get fat eating them. Totally. But they tasted... Incredible.

So you need to Yes. I gotta figure it out. I gotta figure it out. The second time was a bomb. Well that one that we had was that one good, best. So what's your recipe? Okay, so yeah, so tell us the recipe of go-to. So a go-to 'cause it's fall. Yes. And I actually just made it. I've made it a lot and I make. the same recipe when I get on this little like run where I make it so much that I think we all get sick of it.

So we're kind of sick of it now, but it's so, so good. It's minestrone soup and it is so good. Paula Moore shared it with me and used to make it all the time in her home. She was a mentor for me showing me how to, you know, homeschool and raise kids and do all the things. It was, she was amazing. And. It's basically like sausage and cabbage and zucchini, tons of vegetables.

Um, and it's so healthy for you, but it's so good. It's like comfort food. You put a little Parmesan cheese on the top afterwards. It's and then of course, it is incredible. It's so good. And then of course you add the sourdough bread on the side. Yes. It's so, so will you be willing to share that with us? And I'll put it on Jason Torrey's Instagram.

Absolutely. Perfect. Yes. Awesome. Thanks. You got to get it videoed. We need, we need a mom on video next time you make it video it too, just make it for us and video it, she'll have

me video it, it'll be terrible. There just to get to the end for the recipes. Yes, those are the best. And you know what's funny? is I get guys reaching out to me, like dudes that are like, Hey, I've been making those recipes that Tori and I'm like, you're a David, did you hear that? I know I hear more from guys on recipes than really is.

Oh, dude, don't put that in Lori's head. No, I am already. Did you hear? She's like, I'm not cooking anything. I'm, I'm a baller at it. David and I can 100 percent make eggs. Yeah, I can do eggs. Yeah. Perfected. Yeah, it's true. Yeah, that's it. All right. Hey, this was really fun. So to those of you in the beauty and battle, um ecosystem Thank you for being with us the to those in the expert ownership group.

Thank you guys for being with us as well This was an awesome Awesome. Awesome. Awesome podcast. for having us. That was awesome. For parenting, for relationships, for figuring out how you're going to run a business and, and raise kids and love each other at the same time. So, I don't know, Tor, maybe we should have them on again sometime.

Yeah, I know what we love is how many, downloads we get or what we don't get. When you're on a walk, you'll see them. Stop in. Yes. The thing we loved the most was we showed up and, and Tori had homemade sourdough with Canadian bacon and fried eggs. It looks so good. We get to eat it now. I know. So if you get to be a guest on Jason and Tori's podcast, I'm offering, offering that Tori will make you breakfast.

All right. So thank you for hanging out with us. Go to beautyandbattle. com. Join our five day challenge. If you have not, Tori and I are releasing a new book. Um, and when you sign up for the five day challenge, you get that book in your inbox, um, marriage, A to Z, 30 principles to transform your relationship.

And if you have not, and you're at Faithfield entrepreneur, go to expert ownership. com. Join us in owner suite there. You'll get to hang out with David and I twice a month, um, on zoom. So anyway, that's it. You ladies have anything else you want to say, right? Bye bye.