Did you know one of the best ways to grow your attraction for your spouse is through an attitude of endearment? And when you do, the things you could easily criticize will become cute?
In today's episode, we're going to share five steps (our "terms of endearment") for growing an attitude of endearment toward your spouse where attraction and affection are the norms in your relationship.
Oh, and if you haven't taken our free 5-Day Marriage Challenge, jump in HERE.
So today we're talking about the power of Endearment. You know, there was a movie in 1983 called Terms of Endearment. This has nothing to do with that. No, I just figured I would mention it. But, um, we're talking specifically about endearment, which is the feeling and expressing love and affection towards your spouse.
Mm-hmm. Okay. So obviously we're, you think, oh, okay. Yeah. Well, we all need to feel love and affection. Yeah. But that's not really the angle of endearment that I'm talking about. Well, let us know. Tell us what you're talking about. Yeah. We'll get into that after I play the song that you picked out. Yes. I love this one.
It comes from a movie, one of our favorite movies. We have not watched it. I, I don't think we've watched this movie in 20 years. Yeah. And you know, it's where we got our name, Trey. Mm-hmm. Our son, our oldest son, Trey. It's 21. Mm-hmm. It started with Hope floats. We watched Hope Floats, and there was a kid there that kept dressing into this little costume and his whole character, I don't know that he ever said a word.
He's so cute. Mm-hmm. And we, we watched it before we got married and, and we, or maybe it was right after we got married. Yeah. I think it was just after. And his name was Travis. Mm-hmm. And she kept calling Travis and Tori's like, that's such a cute name. But then it was, we talked about it, right? Yeah. I kept saying if I named, if, if I had a kid named Travis, I'd call him Trey.
Yeah. That's how it started. So then we're like, yeah, because Trey's such a cool name. And then, yeah, Trey's a cool name. And we're like, you know what? Let's just go with Trey. Yeah. And now Trey's a college basketball player, wear's number three and hits three pointers all the time. So Trey and Trey means three.
So it all works out. Trey is hitting Trey. Okay. So. With that being said, here's the song and there's a lot of different, um, artists that sing this song, uh, different versions. The best is Garth Brooks. So, which means you can't listen to 'em on Apple Music. You have to get it on Amazon. That's your favorite.
I do, I think that is the best. I agree. But second. Is the one by Glee. Cast Glee. It's a woman sing it. Adele sings it. All sorts of, but Glee can't touch Garth Brooks. It's pretty good. No. All right, go ahead. Okay, here we go.
I would offer.
I would play more of that, but man, it feels slow. It feels so slow. I'm like, all right, come on Garth. Pick up the pace a little bit here. Go listen to it guys. It's so good. No, it's very good. And dance in the kitchen. Okay. So today we're talking about the power of in Endearment, and I want to tell you how, um, I first heard about this in terms of applying endearment to your marriage.
Yeah. We have a really good friend, uh, several, a couple friend that's older than us. Mm-hmm. Tom and Carolyn Berry, and they're heroes to us, you know, the way that they live their lives. They've been married, I don't know how long, 40 some years maybe. Probably close, close to 50, I would guess. You think so?
Mm-hmm. Um, but they've been married for a long time and Tom was the pastor of a church that we went to for several years and, um, and Carolyn, his wife, and they had us over for dinner. Mm-hmm. And they had all the couples from the church over for dinner. And they're the older couple and they're just fantastic.
They were just one of those couples that we always looked up to. They had four kids. Yeah. And they were grown and their kids were thriving. And it was just one of those things where, You know, when you look at someone that's a decade or so ahead of you and things are going well, you can't help but ask some questions.
Right? Yeah. You're like, what, what are you doing? Yeah. And, and Tom and Carolyn liked each other so much. Yes. And they're from the north, you know, you think two people, I, I don't know exactly where in the Long Island, I think. Yeah. They didn't like, Argue in front of people that like they just were, they totally were into each other.
Yeah. You could just tell they really liked each other and they hung out all the time. And I remember, so I'm a business partner with Tom in one of our companies, and Tom, I asked him one day, I said, Tom, what is it about you and Carolyn? Mm-hmm. It makes you guys so sp like everybody. Anybody who wanted premarital counseling Yes.
Or marriage counseling always went to Tom. Everyone went to them. That's right. Mm-hmm. So I'm talking to Tom, I'm like, Tom, this is several years ago. What is it that you do like as a husband? Like what is it with you guys, you know, husband and wife, how you keep growing closer together? And he said, you know, we grow more and more attracted to each other every single year.
He said, because our hearts grow more and more endeared to each other. Mm-hmm. And I was like, wait a sec, wait. Endeared. Yep. He's like, no. Yeah, it's, see, as you get older, you know, you can't just sit there and focus on physical stuff. He's like, it's all the non-physical stuff. Mm-hmm. Where your heart can be more and more endeared to your spouse.
Yeah. And I was like, endeared. That's like something that I think about, you know, like if your kid draws you a picture. Mm-hmm. And it's totally like ugly and gross or whatever, but you know, they drew it and it's for you and it has your name on it or whatever. Right. That endears your heart to your kid. Yes.
Yeah. Where you're like, oh, that is so cute. Yeah. You're like, your effort wasn't perfect by any stretch. Mm-hmm. Actually, it was it very imperfect, but the fact that you did it for me endears my heart. Yes. To the kid, right? Yep. The key is to feel that way towards your spouse. Yep. And so what Tom was saying was the things that Carolyn does endears me, yes.
To her. And it, it was, was such a choice for him, for them. Right. Like they were constantly looking for ways that they were endeared to one another. Yeah. And you know, all the little cute things that they did, they just paid attention. Yeah. To those things and what's it, and that was their practice. Yeah. And you know what's interesting is that Tori just said all those cute things, you know, the cute things that your spouse did before you guys got married.
Oftentimes in marriage become things that you criticize, right? Because your thinking changes. Mm-hmm. And so what used to be Q you now criticize, but, and we're gonna share some steps with you guys, but you can, with the power of your mind and the power of choice, like Tori said. You can change that so that the things that you now criticize can become cute once again.
Mm-hmm. And that's what endearment looks like. It's now the little things about my spouse become cute. Mm-hmm. How can we grow in that? So Tori and I wanna share five keys with you, and let me just tell you, when your spouse is endeared to you, you know it, you feel it like, yeah. I for you and for me, I know that you've really, really practiced this.
You, this has been something you really took to heart after he said, and I know when your heart is endear to me. Yeah. I feel like you like me. I feel like you're into me. I feel like, oh, that was probably super annoying, but yet he's just laughing about it, like it's not, you know, like it's cute. Yeah. And you're just allowing me to be me, so that without, without just, you know, yeah.
Doing what most couples do and what I feel like is the natural thing to do is to kind of try to fix Oh yeah. That's exactly right. That's a good point. And, and your, your spouse has idiosyncrasies. Mm-hmm. What Tori and I are talking about is growing. An endearing spirit toward that idiosyncrasy or whatever it is.
You know, idiosyncrasy is just the little things that your spouse may do. Mm-hmm. That's just makes 'em who they are. Yeah. It makes 'em a little different, you know, like Yeah. Obviously we're not talking about things that need to be corrected. Yeah. These are, these are just, you know, things that you've be, you've grown intolerant to.
Yeah. And, but you can grow to where those very things that you. Criticize or can get on your nerves, can become the things that you love about him. Mm-hmm. So lemme give you an example of this with our son Jake, um, who he, he doesn't care about, you know, straight lines when it comes to putting on his clothes.
So he'll put his pants on and they're like crooked. Mm-hmm. You know, like one, one of the, the waist on the left side is lower than the waist on the right side. And the, the zipper is, is completely off center. It's not under his belly button where it should be and all because nobody's got time for that. He doesn't care.
Right. Whereas I care huge. But you know what, when I see Jake, I honestly, I'm endeared to him. Mm-hmm. I'm like, that's, that's cute. That's Jake. That's our jakey. There's Jake. Mm-hmm. You know, I could never wear my shorts like that. Mm-hmm. But Jake can totally do it and get away with it. Yeah. And uh, so that's what I'm talking about.
And I've seen this happen in my own relationship with Tori. You know, that she's got some idiosyncrasies really. Right. Yeah. And I'm not joking. When we first got married, some of those things bothered me a little bit. But now they don't anymore. If you've read our book, you, you know about the, the, i I have become the all-time drawer pusher in her.
Mm-hmm. You know where Tori has a Iio Ncia where she opens the drawers and she's, her brain is going a thousand miles an hour. She's, she's, you know, making stuff for the kids and she's figuring out what she was gonna do, where she's gonna do for homeschool, and yet at the same time, she's gotta get dressed and she's gotta go to workout.
You know, it's like all this stuff going through her mind and she leaves the drawers open with, you know, the clothes are in it. They're not like hanging over, but the drawers are open. And you know what? For the first few years of marriage that used to drive me batty, but I, I, I applied a few of these steps that we're gonna give to you guys.
Mm-hmm. And, um, I'm telling you now, I think it's so cute. I walk in the closet, the drawers are still open, it was never fixed, and I just push 'em in. Mm-hmm. Because I'm now the all-time drawer pusher enter. Yeah. It's amazing how our brains work, right? When you, when you say, when you kind of give yourself space to let things be.
Yeah. Right? Yeah. But you have, it takes a, it takes effort. It takes practice, and it takes slowing down. Like, no, you know what, I'm not, this is not gonna be something that I'm gonna get bent outta shape about. Yeah, that's good. I'm gonna look at it as something cute. I'm gonna smile and think. I remember oftentimes you'd be like, sometimes when I see those doors, I just think about.
Watching you doing all the things. Yeah. Like just trying to get everything done and it just makes me smile. I'm like, man, she's just trying to get everything done and it And you're endeared. Yeah. Because you are not thinking, this is so annoying. Why does she always do this? She needs to stop. It's more like she's going crazy.
She's trying to get things done. Yeah. Like you're, you're kind of putting yourself in my shoes and then you're. Smiling about it. That's actually one of our, that's actually point number three that I'm gonna give, but I don't wanna give it yet. So let's go back. We're gonna go look at point number one.
We're gonna give you five keys on how you can change what you w could easily criticize into something that becomes cute mm-hmm. In your spouse. And that is what growing an endearment looks like. Okay. Step number one, choose. Mm-hmm. So it always starts with a choice. That you have to make a commitment that I am not gonna allow this thing, whatever it is that they do, or however it is that they, they, they talk or whatever.
Um, I'm not gonna let that thing create some type of critique in my mind. I'm not gonna let negative thinking come in, I'm just not gonna do it. You have to start thinking, you have to make a choice and start thinking, I'm gonna like this. Mm-hmm. And you know what? In time you will, Yeah, you have to do that.
So it simply starts with making a choice. Mm-hmm. Okay. That's step number one. Step number two, accept. Mm-hmm. So you first choose. Mm-hmm. Choose. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm, you can say, I'm gonna accept this. Mm-hmm. But it starts with a choice. But step number two is accept. Mm-hmm. You have to accept your spouse for who they are, and don't think I'm gonna change 'em.
Okay. So these steps are really important for steps three through five, but acceptance is the foundation for intimacy. Intimacy means that you're fully known and fully accepted. Right? So acceptance is the foundation for love, that when your spouse is fully known by you, they need to know that you fully accept them for who they are.
Mm-hmm. And that you're not sitting there thinking about ways to change 'em. Otherwise, you'll never experience true intimacy. Yep. You can have sex. Yes, you can have deep conversations, yes. But you won't feel true intimacy unless your spouse, both of you feel as though each You accept each other. Yeah. For who you are and you're not trying to change each other.
Yeah. Right. Acceptance builds trust. Yeah. Which is so important because it's like, no, no matter what, I know they're in my corner. They're looking for the best in me. I can trust. That Jason is, is looking for the, the good and mean. He is not looking for what's wrong with me. That just builds so much security.
Wow. That's a good point too. Like, yeah, what is it that you're looking for? Mm-hmm. You know, so if if you're looking for it, you will find it. Yeah. I promise you. Oh yeah. If you, if you look for it, it will manifest itself. So that's a good point Tori has. When you have accepted your spouse for who they are, you're looking for the good, right?
You're not looking for the bad. Now, why would you do that? Because you've already made a choice. Mm-hmm. Listen, when you stood, um, in front of all your friends and family, and you exchanged vows, you made a commitment. Yeah. You made a choice. If you get sick, I'm staying with you. Mm-hmm. Right? If, if you are poor, I'm gonna be poor.
Right alongside with you. I made a, you made that choice. Um, The choice is to accept each other. Yep. So there's steps one and two, they go hand in hand, choose to accept. Mm-hmm. So accept each other. Step number three, and this is where it gets really important, and this is where you have to win the battle in your mind.
Okay. Step number three, and this is what Tori alluded to earlier, reframe. Mm-hmm. This is the reframing. This is where you change your perspective. Yeah. Right. Where you have an opportunity to change how you see your spouse, because how you see determines how you act. Yep. And you need to see the truth. Yeah.
In your spouse? Well, how do you see the truth in your spouse? Well, what does God think about them? Mm-hmm. I mean, God made Tori to where her brain can go a thousand miles an hour and do 15 things at one time. Mm-hmm. And pushing drawers in is not one of those things. So God made her that way. Mm-hmm. Right.
So I can reframe this and turn it around. And say, you know what, I'm, I'm thankful for that. Mm-hmm. You know? Yeah. I remember, you know, at the beginning of our marriage, probably a good, a good several years in, one of the things that would really bother me about you was your kind of O c d, um, personality, where everything just has to be just so and so.
A lot of times it, you would, you know, I'd get a cup of tea out and it would be half drank and. I can't find my tea. Where is my tea? Well, Jason dumped it out and put it in the dishwash and put the cup in the dishwasher. And I just would get, I couldn't take the cup on the counter anymore. Yes. Everything, you know, everything has a place and that was not the place.
And um, but I remember trying to reframe that, like, not just that, but all the little things of you kind of picking up or behind me when I wasn't really quite ready or Yeah. And, um, I just remember the Lord just very clearly being like, do you realize what a help this is to you? Like, do you realize how amazing it is?
Have a, a husband who is actually contributing to the house and to, to cleaning up and being a help. And there's just been so many times where I'll like get a little bit frustrated cause I can't find something because it's been, you know, put in some junk drawer, you know, and I'm like, Re I have to reframe it and be like, no, this, I'm really, I would much rather have, you know, have it the way it is.
Like this is the, this is the man that he gave me and we're actually a really good team together. I need this. Yeah. I need someone who has this kind of personality to push the drawers in. Yeah. And then I hear so many other couples, it's like the, it's the reversed, right? And they're like, I need someone who's chill and just doesn't Yeah.
Who, who, um, can just, you know, even though they leave their messes, I need some, this kind of helps balance me. And that's typically how it works, right? Like, God uses our weaknesses and our strengths to bring balance. And, and so that's the reframing, like, no, this is what I actually need. This is actually really.
Um, this is a, a good thing and I need to, to look at it that way. You know, it's interesting too, because it's okay to be frustrated in the moment, you know, like, so for Tori, going back to me, I do have a little O c d, I'm, I'm not as bad as my brother David, or is my sister crazy? Does that make you feel better?
That makes me feel so much better. I had to say that, but yeah, I mean, everything has its place and if it's cluttered or whatever in the kitchen, I, I tend to declutter and start throwing stuff away or whatever. Um, it's okay in the moment. For Tori to be a little frustrated and be like, honey, that was my tea.
I was so looking forward to it. Mm-hmm. Please. And then she can coach me. Please don't do that. Right. So for me, yeah, that is my personality. But at the same time, we have to both compromise so she can, yeah, she can accept me for the fact that that's who I am. At the same time, she can also coach me and I need to be like, all right.
I'm gonna let that thing sit there. I think that's where the trust comes in. I know you're, you're trying, I know that you, like, we've brought this up a lot. Like, please don't dump my stinking tea. And so it's like you're working at it, but sometimes you're just in a hurry and you're getting things done.
Yeah. And that's when the reframing right. It's like this compromise of. I know you're trying. It's not like you're just not trying. Yeah. And here is a great reframe. This is for everybody because even the Bible tells us this. The Bible says, teach me to number my days, which basically means go to the end of your life.
Mm-hmm. Attend your own funeral. And work backwards from there. What would it be like if you're on your deathbed, you know, or whatever, and work backward from there. Now let's reframe that. Imagine that very thing that you're feeling critical of your spouse right now, whatever that thing is. Um, imagine if your spouse wasn't with you.
Yeah. Imagine if they had died the day before. No. Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? Like mm-hmm. Like if, imagine if. Tori, you know, I passed away yesterday and she's got tea on the counter and she walks out and she sees the tea and it's not put up because I'm not there. Mm-hmm. Like, how would she feel then?
She'd be like, I'd give anything for me to walk out here and my t be gone. Exactly. You know, so reframe. You have the power to reframe. How you see determines how you act. So that's, that's use your brain to work for your relationship. Yeah. I like that. So, choose, accept, reframe. Step number four, respect. You need to respect how God made them and respect your differences.
Yes. God didn't make you guys both the same for otherwise. Yeah. Otherwise one of you would be unnecessary. Exactly. You are different. Mm-hmm. So for you to continue to critique your spouse, Because they do things different than you is really slapping God in the face. Mm-hmm. So you're disrespecting God.
Yeah. And you think he's gonna bless you for that. Listen, God's not just your father. He's your father-in-law. Mm-hmm. So you better doggone treat his son or daughter with respect. Because if you don't, you're not gonna be in a good relationship with God. You know what respect is? It's a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
Hmm. Abilities, qualities or achievements. You're having a hard time thinking about good things about your spouse. Well start thinking about their abilities. What can they do good. Hmm. Start thinking about their qualities. Yeah. That you like, start thinking about the things they've achieved. Yeah. You know, I just was talking with Tori just the other day and I sat back and I'm like, we've got four kids.
You know, two are grown and out of the house, one is almost there and another one is about to get into high school in the next few years. And I'm like, you gave birth to four kids and cooked for them and cleaned up for them and taught them homeschool and have done all this. Like I, I sat back and was like, dang.
You've done a lot like Tori. I feel like Tori's done way more than I have in respect to our kids. And I'm just like that it, honestly, it gave me this deep admiration for her just because in my mind mm-hmm I started thinking about what all she had done with our kids. Right. That's what respect can do.
Yeah. And that, go ahead. I was just gonna say, and and you verbalizing that and saying that is so encouraging to me. As a wife and as a mom, like that, those things that I did that maybe the world might not value. You value. Yeah. I know that God values it, but sometimes you need people to reinforce that, you know?
Yes. On here on earth. Yeah. Not just, you know, it's, it's just really encouraging when you have people saying that's valuable and that's good. Yeah. And what you're do, what you've done, what you, what you are continuing to do. That that's, you know, that's something to be respected. Yeah. And so husbands out there when your wives are doing those things that the world really doesn't value.
You be the one to value it. That's right. You're like, this, this is what you have done is so hard and it's so incredible. Incredibly valuable. So that's point number four is respect. And point number five, appreciate. This, this one is the key because gratitude cures everything. Now here's, here's where you start your appreciation. Start by thanking God that he gave you your spouse, especially from men, uh, thanking God because it says, houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord.
So men. Your wife is from God. He literally handcrafted her for you. Now, I do believe the reverse is true as well. There's just not a verse that says it. Hmm. But it starts by thanking God for making your spouse the way he made her. Made him or her. Yeah, and knowing that's that's what then will lead into the respect, recognizing your differences.
Then think about what you're thankful for in your spouse. So let me go to one idiosyncrasy with Tori. So she's, you know, the whole drawer thing, which is fine. The other thing is, is that Tori is a, just an incredible cook and you guys all know it. So she cooks, she bakes like, I eat like a king. And so, and I thank God for, simply because I love food.
She does. She's Italian, so it works out great. Well, one of the things is, is that Tori buys ingredients like, Crazy. Like she'll go to Costco, she gets ingredients and all this kind of stuff. So our fridge is jam packed with ingredients. Well, you know what happens with a fridge that's jam packed sometimes you forget what's back in the very back.
So no, about once every six or seven weeks I'll discover there's something growing. Mm-hmm. In the back of the fridge, you know? And so I've made it my job now to where I find the science project and I'll pull it out. You know, get rid of it. Do you know when we first got married, Tori was that way. She was making all this great food, but yet there would, every now and then be, you know, an apple back there or a lemon or a lime or something that's been there since, you know, world War ii.
And I, I remember getting so frustrated with Tori. I'm like, what honey? Seriously, please, can you just pull that out? It's disgusting. And she's like, yeah, but I'm trying, you know, poor girl and all this kinda stuff. And then the Lord just convicted me. He is like, why don't you pull it out? Mm-hmm. And, and I just was so convicted because then I started thinking about I get these gourmet meals and you guys have seen them on, on Tori's reels, you know, on Jason Tori, Instagram.
You see, I get all these crazy really good meals. But you know what? You gotta get with that? You gotta get a science project every now and then that you have to pull out the refrigerator. A disgusting refrigerator. Yeah. But that's, but then I start to appreciate the meals that come. Mm-hmm. You see? So gratitude fixed it.
All of a sudden I stopped criticizing. Now I seriously, I probably did this three or four weeks ago, pulled out a little, I forget what it was, something was rotten, and I said, Hey Tora, do you think maybe whenever you eat your oatmeal you can put this on top of it? She's like, no, but you can yours. You know, like it's now become something that's funny and we can laugh about it.
Yeah. Appreciation does cure everything. That's gratitude. So lemme give you these five keys again. Okay. You want to grow an endearment for your spouse. The things that you once criticized, you can now find as cute. You're gonna have to choose, then you're gonna accept, then you're gonna reframe the way you see it.
Then you're gonna follow up with respect. Respect God for making her or him, how he made 'em, respect your differences. And then finally, you're gonna appreciate, you're gonna have radical, proactive appreciation, as we say in our book, A little RPA takes you a long way. That's how you can grow in your endearment.
I love it. And thank you to Tom and Carolyn Barry for introducing this concept of endearment to us, however many, however many years ago, probably 10 years ago. Yeah. Um, it's been, it's been something that we've definitely thought about a lot. Yeah. You know what? We need to have Tom and Carolyn on our podcast.
We do. Let's do that. They don't live so close anymore. We, we need to. We need to get them in town.
Okay guys, I'm really sleeping on the recipes. I do realize this, but I'm, we're gonna come back, coming back from this. We just had a crazy, um, last few weeks and I'm just doing kind of like traditional stuff at home instead of trying new things. And so I have nothing new for you. No, no new recipes, but I got a joke.
Oh, you gotta joke. I'm gonna end this one with a joke. Okay. We're going back to the jokes. Okay. What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant? Uh, dead ant. Dead end. Dead end. Dead. End. Dead. Dead, dead. That's funny. You know, you know anybody like probably 25 or younger won't know what in the world you're talking about.
Really? Yeah. That's like our generation Ohoh. Well go look up Pink Ba Panther champ. Yeah, there you go. And you'll laugh. Maybe. I don't know. Well done. Bravo tour. All right guys, we'll see you again next week. This is actually, I don't know about next week. We're going on vacation, so we might be, we might skip a week.
Yeah, we might skip a week. All right. But see you in a couple weeks, guys. We'll be, but you won't see us, but we'll be a lot darker. That's true. I'm excited about that. I hope that's important. We always do our vacations at Surf City in North Carolina, right outside actually. Top Sale. Top Sale Island. Mm-hmm.
And it's a great place. You guys should do it. And if you ever go in the first week of June, let us know and we'll, we'll try to stay away from you. Just kidding. All right, we'll see you then. We'll see you guys. Not next week, but whatever. See you guys. Peace.