Beauty in Battle Podcast

How to Think Better in Marriage

May 03, 2023 Episode 66
Beauty in Battle Podcast
How to Think Better in Marriage
Show Notes Transcript
Today is our 8th installment in our series on the Neuroscience of Connection where we answer the question "Am I reinforcing the behaviors that I like or dislike in my spouse?"  Based on Dr. Amen's book "You Happier," this episode is a deep dive into the value of positive thinking toward our spouse and how to combat those negative thoughts that rip us apart. 

We'll give you three steps to overcoming negative thinking and discuss the amazing way our brains are wired to help us connect deeper with those we love. 

You're going to enjoy this one! 

So welcome back to the Beauty Battle Podcast. We are in our eighth installment of the Neuroscience of Connection based on the book by Dr. Amen. Uh, you happier? We have covered some serious stuff. I mean, we have, it's been really good and w we're answering the question that well, Dr. Amen is, and we're talking about, um, the, the stuff that he's found that can help couples, uh, connect closer and closer together.

The question is, am I reinforcing the behaviors I like or dislike in my spouse? Mm-hmm. And specifically we are using acronym relating, r e a, no about misspelled it, R E L A T I N G, responsibility, empathy, listening. Assertiveness time, inquiry, noticing, and grace. That's right. Today we're parking on noticing.

And what Dr. Amen means by that is you need to learn to notice what you like more than what you dislike. Right? It, it sounds so simple, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yet, sometimes it can be so complex. Yes, it is. But before we get going, We're not doing a song today. We're doing a little, a little pivot. We're gonna, yeah, we're kind of going back and forth with some songs and some jokes.

Okay? Some of you guys really like the jokes. Okay, so we got a J Dad joke, okay? I told a joke on a Zoom meeting and no one laughed. It turns out I'm not remotely funny. Okay. There you go. You laughed. I, that was good. I love it. We got Jason to laugh, guys. This is a good day. Yeah, it's, it's gotta be pretty good for me to laugh at.

Okay. Um, where did you get that Dad jokes. Oh, dad jokes. Okay, got it. Um, why did the chicken go to the gym? Why? To work on his pecks. Oh, okay. Get the pecks. Gotta do some pushups. I like that. There's actually a t-shirt that's circulating with these, um, With these farmer dudes wearing this shirt that says what?

With a chicken? Lifting weights. It's really funny. Working on the pecks. Working on the pecks. Okay. I like it. All right, well, I'm ready to dive into this. What, what have you got for us today? Okay, so this is what Dr. Amen says about noticing what you like more than what you don't. When you have an unkind or critical thought, when you have, sorry.

When you have unkind or critical thoughts, filter them through. This question, this is so, so good. Does it fit? Does it fit? Does it fit? Okay. So process it and then ask yourself if it fits with the goals for your relationship. Okay. Does it get it? Does it get you what you want from the relationship? So if that thought doesn't line up to give you what you want, then you gotta lock that sucker up.

Mm-hmm. And this is something that we talk to so, so many couples about. You need to ask the question, what do you want? Okay. And we say this all the time, like, okay, so there's, sorry, there's a conflict and there's, you know, and there's this way of dealing with it. There's this behavior problem, right? And they're, and oftentimes we're working through these with couples, and they're telling us this.

Yeah. Like this conflict. And they're telling us, I don't like the way she responded. I don't like the way he responded, da da da da da. Yeah. And we, what do you guys want? Right. You always need to start there, right? Because what I guarantee you, if you can explain to me what you want, your behavior is not getting you what you want.

Yeah. And so if you can, if you can actually explain what you want, then maybe you can cause long enough to ch to change. Your thinking, which will change your behavior. Yeah, that's exactly right. And I, and I like the way, you know, the, all this science stuff that people are learning now, basically what, what it's doing is science is catching up with the Bible.

Mm-hmm. Where, uh, RO Romans 12, of course, there's other places that tell us, but Romans 12, take every thought captive. Right. You know, like take, take a thought captive means that the thought doesn't die. Yeah. It's alive. It means that it's just no longer in control. Yes. So you lock it up. Exactly. So if that negative thought doesn't get you what you want, right.

Then lock it up. So that's why Tori's saying what she said, you know, you gotta start with what do you want? Like seriously think about that. Yeah. Did you think about that today when you woke up? You know, like what do I want out of life? And maybe in meditation you do, but if you really think about your key relationships, but specifically your marriage, what do you want with your marriage?

It's like, well, I want, I want to get along. I want to be in love with each other. I want to have that same. Romantic zeal we once had. You can get all that stuff back and you can, you can have it, but it, it comes first with your vision. What do you want? And second, with your thinking, right? And so the way that Dr.

Amen says it, he says, assuming you want a kind, caring, loving, supportive, passionate relationship, pointing out your loved one's flaws and shortcomings does not help you achieve that. Hmm. So it's recognizing that the things that you think about your spouse are either breathing life or destruction over your relationship.

And, um, he talks about positive reinforcement and the science behind positive reinforcement and the studies that they've done. That positive reinforcement, um, is so helpful. In in any relationships. Yeah. And we've seen this a lot in our kids, right? Like if we are just constantly pointing out the bad, they, they feel defeated.

It crushes them. It crushes them. It exasperates, what's that verse that talks about exasperating, do not exasperate your children because then you'll die, kind of thing. Jason's version that came outta the Book of Mormon for the Koran. Um, but I just remember Dr. John Gottman's, uh, five to one rule and the 2120 to one rule.

Yep. So think about your relationship. If you wanna remain at equilibrium, which means you remain right where you are, you're not getting any worse and you're not getting any better mm-hmm. In your relationship, then you need the five to one rule. Yeah. Five to one is five positive interactions for everyone.

Negative. Mm-hmm. Okay. But if you want your relationship to move forward and actually to grow and thrive, you need 20 positive interactions to every one negative. So it's the 20 to one rule. Mm-hmm. So what creates an interaction? It starts with a thought, right? Right. Yep. It starts with a thought. It's, it's your thinking about each other.

So if you're catching each other, doing what's right mm-hmm. Rather than what's wrong? That's gonna help you guys get to that 20 to one rule, which will move your relationship further. Yeah, exactly. He talks about practicing accurate thinking. It's not just positive think thinking. It's accurate thinking.

Oh, I like the way he puts that. Yeah. He said, if you want to feel good, then you have, if you want to feel good, then you have to think good cuz thoughts create feelings. Feelings create your behavior and then your behavior creates outcomes in relationships, works of fines, et cetera. And this is just so incredibly true that it begins with your thoughts.

And we talk about this in the book, beauty and the Paddle. Yeah. Um, about when you used to travel years ago, um, we had gotten into a relational rut and it was because of some faulty thinking I had fallen into. So basically what you're saying is our rut was your fault in that, in that situation. Maybe you had something to do with it though, that.

Pigs two. That is true. Um, but this is really interesting. I'm also reading a book. It's um, called The Placebo Effect in the Brain. That is a crazy book. Tori's sharing with me some of that stuff. And it is incredible. It really is. It's actually called, you are the placebo and how, um, our mind, um, is the placebo.

Yeah. Like the way that we think actually. Our brains are pharmacies. Really? Yeah. And so the way that you think produces chemicals and hormones Yeah. It heal you that actually are healing to you or destructive to you. Yeah. And so your, your way of thinking is actually. The placebo. Yeah, that's right. Um, yeah, placebo meaning if, if, hey, it might not be the real thing, but because you think it's the real thing, your body responds as if it's the real thing.

Right. You know? Yeah. It's really like somebody, like somebody feeling a little nauseous. Mm-hmm. And then you go give them a a a pill. And in that pill it could just be. Uh, I don't know what, what they would put, like, what, what could they put in a pill? Sugar. Sugar pill. It could be like a sugar pill. Mm-hmm.

And they're like, Hey, this is a special pill that specifically takes away, uh, nausea. And you take it and 10 minutes later you feel better. Why? Because your brain, mm-hmm. Thinks. That it's feeling better. Yeah. Because of what you took. That's, that's where they get this whole placebo from. Right. And as they do the studies power, they're, and they're, and they're giving these, um, patients the sugar.

They're Yeah. They're also monitoring what's happening in their body. They are producing hormones, chemicals. So they're, they are, they're something that is, that is in the medicine. That now, even though you're not taking, the medicine is in it, they see. Yeah. Your brain in your body, your brain produces, it's crazy.

Which is crazy to me. I've never heard anything like that. It's, it is amazing, but it does show you the power of your mind. Mm-hmm. And why thinking is so incredibly important. Accurate thinking is so important That's right. Towards your spouse and towards your relationship. Yeah. So one of the things that, um, he talks about in this book, he says, we're create, we're.

Um, creatures of habit, we think somewhere between 60,000 to 70,000 thoughts in a day. Wow. And 90% of those thoughts are exactly the same ones we had the day before. Yes. And, and all of those are in the subconscious, almost all of those are in the subconscious. Yes. So you don't even know you're thinking them.

That's where negativity can get you. Exactly. Because you're on this perpetual loop. That you just, oh, well, you were on it the day before and you were on it the day before and you're on, and now you're on it again with, it's just automatic. Yeah. And so if your thoughts are not producing the relationship that you want, then you have to stop that loop.

Yeah. You have control, you have power. We have agency over our thoughts. The bible's very clear on this. Yeah. We have agency over our thoughts. We can control our thinking and we can actually change our thinking through the transformation. Of our minds. And so this is just so interesting to think that you have all these thoughts.

90% of them you thought the same the day before, right? Yeah. And so now we need to be intentional about those thoughts and what they're doing to our relationship. And this is what we talk about in one of the chapters of our book, um, that Jason was traveling and I was completely overwhelmed. And oftentimes we developed negative thinking and very stressful.

Seasons of life, right? Yeah. Because we're not thinking about what we're thinking about, we're thinking about surviving and making it to the next day. Yeah. And, and your mind left alone will naturally gravitate toward the negative. Mm-hmm. It's like when you cut open an apple, right. What's gonna happen to the apple?

It's naturally going to get brown. Right. It's naturally going to start dying. Yeah. And it's gonna die faster when you cut it open. It's the same way with negative thinking. Look, we're all dying. Yeah. We're all dying. Right. But when you throw negative thinking into it, You're dying faster. Right. You need to stop.

Exactly. And so when Jason was traveling and I was so stressed out, um, I began to think, uh, well I wasn't kind of in survival mode and I was trying to survive you being gone and all, you know, picking up the slack of being kind of like a single mom during those single mom those days that you were out of town.

I'm so sorry. And, um, I began to build a wall to protect myself from being vulnerable. I felt super vulnerable, like. Jason is totally okay without me. He can survive, you know, in all these different cities and states, and he seems to be thriving when he's not with me. Yeah, and when Jason's not here, I feel like I'm dying on the vine because I'm carrying.

All the way of parenting and all these things, and I feel so weak and vulnerable. Yeah. And I knew that you couldn't stop traveling. This was a season of life where things were picking up and things were doing, you were doing really well in the business and it required you to travel and it was providing for our family, and it wasn't something that it, it didn't make sense for you to stop traveling.

Mm-hmm. It made sense to me that I need to figure this thing out. And so my way of coping with it in a very unhealthy way was to put a wall against you. Yeah, because then I wouldn't feel so, um, vulnerable then I wouldn't maybe hurt so much every time that you left. And I'm like, I gotta get strong. I gotta be able to do this without me g, without Jason, by myself.

And as I did that, I began to go down this path of thinking that was, you don't need Jason. You're, you're totally fine. Without him, you can do this without him. And, um, when he comes home, It was like this weird transition of like, okay, now I gotta let him in. Yeah. Like I put up this wall that I could do this on my own to, okay, now I gotta let him in.

And then I push, so I push you away. And it was just, it became, it really created a wedge in our relationship. And it wasn't long before our, we were suffering because of it. And I, and I knew, I'm like, I don't know. I just, he's like, why do you push me away every time? Um, I just said he, but I mean you cuz you're standing right here.

Yeah. But I think it might've had something to do with the fact that when I would go eat at a nice restaurant whenever I was traveling, I'd send you a picture of the steak. Mm-hmm. And you weren't having steak? No, I was having mac and cheese again. You were, you were craving Cece's pizza. Cinnamon rolls. Oh gosh, yes.

Um, yeah. And so it just, it it, what it did is it made me really pause and like, what is going on? Like what, what, what have I done? In my thinking that is pushing me so far away. And at the same time I was learning about this, the, um, neuroscience and Yeah. And how our thoughts are like pathways and that when you think a thought, um, it becomes a path of least resistant in your brain.

Right? And so your, your thoughts are pathways in your brain in this, you know, Goes hand in hand with what, with what they're saying here, that 90% of the things that you thought think are the things you thought before because you've created a lot of pathways that you, that you just naturally go down cuz you already thought it before you think it again.

Yeah. And so my way of thinking was, you know, build a walls, you know, keep j Jason at a distance. Don't, don't be vulnerable. Don't let him in. Mm-hmm. Push, you know, you can do this on your own. You're okay without him. You know, these, th these were the thoughts and. I, she as, um, Caroline Leaf was explaining this, I think it was a podcast or something, this was, you know, 12 years ago.

Yeah. I was like, oh my goodness. I have created a pathway. In my mind that I am on a perpetual loop that is leading me away from Jason. Mm-hmm. And not to Jason. Yeah. And, um, I remember coming to you and like I, I'm, I have really, um, begun to think very negatively about you and I This isn't working for our relationship.

Yeah. I need to, I need to transform my thinking. Yeah. And that was like a journey that you jumped in with me and. And you did, we walked down together and you did. Are you gonna give our three step, uh, that we give in the book? The three lines? Yeah. Go. You go ahead and you give it because, um, I remember you walking through that.

Mm-hmm. And I remember you reading about Caroline Leaf and how she told, she, she basically explains that, you know, those pathways will stay there until you proactively get off of that path and create a new path. And the beautiful thing is, is that your mind is plastic and it can be rerouted. It just, it takes intention and it takes time.

Yeah. Of starting a new way of thinking and going down. Every time you're triggered to that, to the foot of that path that you typically go down, you switch, you pivot, and then the old one gets overgrown. Exactly. And then you don't think like that anymore. Right. And then you become a brand new person. And so Tori and I give the.

The three steps, uh, I'll start with the letter R. Recognize renounce replace. Mm-hmm. Where you gotta recognize, oh, there's that old negative thought again. I've gotta renounce the lie behind it, and then I have to replace it with the truth. We derive that from ro uh, Romans 12. One and two where it talks about, um, don't be conformed to the pattern of the, the world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

Renewal is to take off the old and put on the new. You gotta take off the old thought and you have to put on the new like Tori. With her fingernail polish, she has to first remove the old, then she can put on the new, that's targeting the lie behind the thought. Mm-hmm. With the truth of the new thought.

Right? And so that's where taking thoughts captive comes in. So, Tori, you know, if I was on on the road and this happened a couple years ago where I was on the road again and wait, that'd be the name of a great song right on the road. Again, just can't wait to get back on the roadie. Actually, I don't wanna get back on the road tour.

Okay. Don't get back on the road then. Okay. But anyway, so, um, Uh, she, she had totally won this battle and was thinking completely different. And then I went off on a trip, I forget where I went. I think it was Tampa, Florida or someplace like that. And I called her and I could tell she was thinking like she used to.

Mm-hmm. Where she wasn't feeling connected to me. There was a bunch of people in the background. It made her feel disconnected and like she wasn't a part of what I was doing. And I could tell she was thinking the way that she used to think. Now pause. Because there will be triggers. Yeah. So, so quick pause.

Okay. Spouses, when your spouse is working through something, it's best for you not to remind them that they're acting like the old person or acting like, oh, you're acting just like your mother, or like your father, or whatever the best is. Don't say anything. Just let 'em process through it, and I can remember starting to defend myself.

But that wasn't helping me at all. Mm-hmm. You know, and, and then I just realized, why don't I just stop doing that? And then Tori just worked through it on her own. Next morning she calls and she says, You know, throughout the night I realized that I was thinking like I used to. Mm-hmm. And I made a decision that I was not gonna do that.

Yeah. I reminded me myself of the truth. Mm-hmm. You know, so she was recognizing, she was renouncing the lie behind the fact that, hey, Jason's on the road and he doesn't care about you. Mm-hmm. He doesn't care about the kids. He only wants this thing without you. That was a lie. Replacing with the truth. His heart is really with me.

Yeah. You know, and, and God forbid, even if my heart wasn't with you, you, the spouse can still say, you know what, but God is with me. Mm-hmm. God is a good father. He can turn my husband or my wife. They're, they're thinking around right. So that their heart is with me. And so you're recognizing you're renouncing and you're replacing.

And, and now even, even when I, cuz now I'm, I'm traveling with the life surge circuit and I'm having to do all this speaking a lot. And so I'm traveling a lot. And every now and then Tori can still feel triggered. Mm-hmm. But she doesn't allow those thoughts to bring her in the opposite direction of what she really wants for our relationship.

And that is a deep. Emotional. Yeah. Connection with each other, even when I'm on the road. Yeah. And I can say with confidence that the more you do this and the more that you transform and it's hard work. Yeah. It is really hard work. Hard work. There are times where you're like, It, you just feel the pain of it and you're like, I don't want to, like, I wanna sit in this.

Yeah. Because it feels good. It feels a little bit better just to, to validate feelings. And those feelings aren't, it's not that you're not validating your feelings, it's that you're validating truth over feelings, uhhuh, that they become that truth becomes bigger than the feelings. Yeah. And the truth is, I'm okay.

Yes. The truth is God is a provider. He's a protector of my heart. I am safe. Yeah. You know, my core needs are met. Um, and it's just coming into alignment with what is true. And now, yes. I mean, very rarely when you travel, do I feel that those triggers that I did? Yeah. Because of the work of transformation that God did in my heart and in my mind.

Yeah. So now I have this testimony, right? Like, because I have a lot of wacky thoughts. That I have to, that I'm, yeah. Everybody does, everybody, we all have like some pretty major faulty ways of thinking that we have to transform. Yeah. And now I have a testimony that it's possible and, and doesn't it feel like so much more peaceful and powerful in your own life?

Mm-hmm. I mean it's like that feeling of peace. Yeah. When I go on the road cuz your thinking is dialed. Mm-hmm. And, and again, and I want to kind of turn this around for a second. Tori does know that my heart's with her. Yep. Now, let's just assume, um, you're in a relationship where you are, you have experienced negative thoughts towards your spouse.

But it is true, like your spouse's heart might not really be with you. Mm-hmm. Like you can tell that he would rather play golf with his buddies than do the thing you really need him to do at home. Or you can tell that she would rather go out and have drinks with her friends than to be taking care of, you know, you and the kids mm-hmm.

At night for dinner. Mm-hmm. And you, and you know that. And it's true. Yeah. And you're thinking negatively about that. What I would say to that is, At that moment, you've gotta have the eternal perspective. You've gotta remember a good relationship. A good marriage is not between two people. It's between three.

Yeah. So good. So God is the primary partner right in that moment. You do have to take those thoughts captive and say, God, I know right now that my spouse does not care about me, right? As much as I would like them to. I pray that you would turn their heart. Mm-hmm. Like you, you're now taking the situation to God.

Yeah. And you're like, but in the meantime, I can't let negative thinking toward them overtake my responsibility at home. Mm-hmm. You know, my kids are still need me, you know? Right. I've got a job that needs me, or whatever the case may be. It's bringing Yeah. So, good God into the mix. Yeah. And so that's an encouragement for you on how you can control negative thinking when.

When that negative thinking is actually lining up with the truth that your spouse, their heart isn't really with you. Yeah. That's so good. I wanna read another thing that he says, um, in this chapter about noticing. Um, he said the scientists found that distressed marriage couples were more likely to forgo rewarding their partners loving behaviors in favor of punishing their spouse for bad behavior.

Wow. Yeah. Criticizing then them, interrupting them, complaining and turning away from them. This pattern of, of ignoring the good in punishing the bad. Fueled discord and created unhappy marriage. And that's what insecurity looks like. Yep. If, if there, if either spouse in the relationship acts like that and behaves like that mm-hmm.

Where you're, you'd rather punish the bad. Then reward the good. Mm-hmm. You are an insecure human being. Yep. You have gotta get to the bottom of what has made you so insecure. Yeah. You know, if you're constantly interrupting your spouse or you constantly have to be Right. Yeah. You know, and, and especially God forbid you do it in front of other people.

Yeah. Like, that is a bad, bad sign. And, and then what Tori and I have seen with couples is if, if couples don't figure that out, If they don't learn how to get past that, then your relationship is gonna be nothing more than tyranny by the most selfish partner. Yeah. The most selfish partner's always gonna get what they want.

Right. And the least selfish partner, the one who's getting the beat down all the time, is just gonna let you get whatever you want. Yeah. And so long as you're happy, they're happy. Right. That's a terrible relationship. And I do wanna say this, if you find yourself in that situation, you have to lovingly confront.

Mm. Or at some point. You are going to, you know, violently reject. Yeah. Yeah. And maybe not violently, but like in terms of if you don't confront Mm. And, and, and make sure that you say what needs to be said, how it needs to be said, um, then at some point you're gonna find yourself rejecting it, rejecting your spouse, and you're not even gonna know why you're gonna be rejecting your own relationship.

Even to the detriment of your kids. Yeah. And so you have to be able to be in an environment where you can confront. Now if you're like, well, my spouse could never take it. Mm-hmm. Pray and ask God. Yeah. And then you guys might need to get some counseling. For sure go into a situation. I mean, Tori and I have had, uh, so many couples that we've counseled over the last 20 years where the, the wife would say, I can't say that to my husband.

Is there any way that your husband could bring that up to him? Mm-hmm. And sure. See, and then sure enough, I do. Yeah. And then he's like, yeah, you know what, you're right. You know, that kind of thing. So it's, it's really good to have, uh, uh, you know, a couple that can walk you through and talk to you and, and the guy can talk tough.

Yeah. To the husband if he needs to. The woman can talk sensitive, you know, to, to you as the spouse, but don't, don't ever neglect the fact that that, um, God is the one who's, who's your partner in your relationship, but then he'll use other people outside of your relationship to help you. Yeah. So you're never hopeless.

Right. You're never hopeless. So, good. And just going back to, you know, this, the whole concept of rewarding, loving behaviors, not pun, not only , punishing bad behavior like God is a rewarder. Yeah. Just gonna go back real quick to talking about just rewarding good behavior and not just punishing bad behavior.

Yeah. Because I think that is such an important thing to remember as couples that when your spouse does something good, be a rewarder of that. Yes. Right. Like we do it with our kids, God does it with us, and he is a rewarder of those who diligently seek him. Yes, God is a rewarder. It's in his nature, and it should be in our nature too, to be rewarding, be looking for ways to reinforce good behavior.

Yeah, and you know it, it's funny you say that because some of the best advice Tori I ever got, and I, it was the best advice, at least from my perspective, came from an older couple that we heard. They were speaking on stage and the woman came out and she said, okay, I gotta tell all you ladies. You can use sex as a reward for your husband.

And you know, it's kind of a shocking thing. You're like, what? That's manipulation. That's not, yeah. No manipulation is, I won't give you sex if you don't do this. Mm-hmm. Reward is, hey, if you can bathe the kids and get 'em in bed, or vacuum the floor, help me with the dishes, or unload the dishwasher or be home on time or whatever.

Yeah. Then. Then I can, I can make sure that, you know, we can have some time to be together. And they, they made the point that a man, a man is very motivated by that. Very. And then, so if you're having a hard time getting your husband motivated to be helpful around the house, to, to be, um, you know, kind of partnering with you with things, use that as a reward.

Like, yes, you, you know, I can get into that mindset if you can help me relax a little bit by Yeah. Taking off some of this load. Yes. And do, listen, you, you ladies go up, hug your husband, like, like, Just a total spontaneous hug and go, okay, so here's the deal. The kids have been driving me crazy. I need a couple hours out of the house.

Can you take him? Mm-hmm. And, and, and make sure that by the time I get home, they're already situated and in bed, and I promise you that we'll have some time together if you can do this for me. And I promise you, your husband, so long as he is in a good place mentally, you know, he's not stressed out at work and doesn't care about that kind of thing.

But he, he will, he'll respond favorably to that and it'll, it'll benefit your relationship. Yeah. And one more thing before we close this out. Um, I thought this was such a good practice that Dr. Amen talks about in the book, um, this, this is a way that he practices noticing what is good more than what is bad at night before he goes to sleep.

Um, and I've been trying to do this and I feel like it has been really, really helpful and, and it's helped me to set, set some intent on this is when you're falling asleep, go through your day, hour by hour, and just notice. The things that you appreciated in that hour. Yeah. And he said, you know, he falls asleep probably by noon.

Yeah. He's an older guy. Um, but, and for me too, like if you're having a hard time falling asleep, do that. Yeah. And you'll fall asleep. I'd have a hard time thinking about what I did each hour. I know. It is, it's hard. I mean, that. For me, it's kind of like in clusters. Yeah. It's just gratitude. Morning, afternoon, night.

Yeah. You know? But there's a lot to be grateful for and there's a lot of things to notice and this really helps you to practice to notice the good. Yeah. And one more thing, we talk about this, um, you know, in creation when God created Yeah, it is good. Everything he says. And after he creates everything, he pauses and says, And he saw that it was good.

Hmm. And he noticed that it was good. That's good. We've got to follow his example of noticing. Oh, I like that. Notice what you like more than you dislike and watch what happens to your relationship. Yes, I love it. Okay. That's great. And so. Um, for a recipe this week for you guys. Okay. Um, so you guys know that we're homeschooling Lundy for this, um, for this year's.

Tori said we That was generous. Yes. That was generous. Um, and so one of my goals was to, to teach her to cook more. Yeah. Like, you know, help me make some meals. And so anyways, one of the things I really wanted to teach her was how to roast a chicken, like a full chicken. I remember when you and I were. Um, we had, I think it was Trayer Alley.

Um, one of our friends brought us a ro when we, you know, for the meal after we had her, um, brought us this like beautiful roasted chicken with carrots and potatoes. It was like all in one pot and it was one of my favorite meals. It was so cozy and it was so like, ugh. It just was comfort food. And, um, but so I remember like her telling me how to make this and I just, Couldn't do it that much because you have to, like when you're doing a chicken, they say you have to like clean it out.

Mm-hmm. You have in a raw chicken and your have it in your sink and I'm just like thinking about all the bacteria and like it's, you're scrubbing the inside of the outside. It's just always gross me out. Gross. Yeah. Okay. Well I just learned, this is so exciting you guys. Yeah. That you actually don't have to clean a chicken.

Oh, that, okay. Um. Julia Childs. Oh yeah. Julia. Julia. Yeah. If you guys haven't watched the movie, Julia. Julia. It's my favorite movie. It's such a good movie. Um, and she is, you know, she was a cook back in what, the forties, fifties. I don't even know. Anyways, so she did, she was like one of the first women to do a cooking show.

I think my grandma used to listen to her. Yeah. And, um, she said that you have to, you know, clean your chicken. Yeah. And I don't know where she learned that from. And it was kind of like started this trend that you have to clean your chicken. Well, recently somebody came out and said, Hey guys, that's actually doesn't make sense because you're.

When you cook a chicken, it burns off all the bacteria. Yeah. It's, there's really, you're, you're, you're bringing more bacteria into your kitchen by putting it in your sink and messing with it than throw it in the oven. Just throw it in the oven, it's gonna kill everything. And I was like, oh my gosh, Becky, would you look at that chicken?

Look at that chicken. So I taught Lundy how to make a chicken, and it turned out pretty good. I honestly, so the, the recipe that I used was from cooking for my soul. It's a recipe on their website. Um, and it's very much a lot of lemon. And so I didn't love the lemon. I'm gonna, we're gonna show you how we did it.

I actually bit into the lemon. So you actually cook the vegetables with I. Cubes of, or um, uh, quarters of lemon, I, I would not do that. Yeah. Cuz I, Jason actually dug into, like, I did beets and parsnips and, um, carrots and potatoes and he and I bit into it and a lemon was awful. And he, he's like, Did you cook a lemon?

Like I've never tasted a cooked lemon. I was like, oh, we're, it's all, we're supposed to take those out. So anyways, we'll sh I'll show you how we did it. Maybe you guys wanna, it's such an easy meal for like, Lundy could pretty much do it by herself and she felt so accomplished. Like she has this beautiful roasted chicken that she created for our family.

And, um, so anyways, it was kind of fun. And, uh, I'll share that with you guys on Jason Tory Instagram. We'll make a little reel to show you. I do it. Maybe your kids will wanna give it a try too. I like it. All right. This was a good one. Notice. Notice what you like more than you dislike or don't whichever way you wanna go.

All right, we'll see you guys next week. See you guys.