Beauty in Battle Podcast

Assertiveness In Marriage

April 11, 2023 Jason Benham, Tori Benham Episode 63
Assertiveness In Marriage
Beauty in Battle Podcast
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Beauty in Battle Podcast
Assertiveness In Marriage
Apr 11, 2023 Episode 63
Jason Benham, Tori Benham

Let's talk about the value of being assertive in marriage. Before we do, here are a few definitions of assertive:  

“The quality of being self-assured and confident without being aggressive to defend a right point of view or a relevant statement.”

"A life skill that involves being able to express your thoughts and feelings in a confident, polite, and reasonable way.”

Assertiveness in relationship is all about needs - meeting those of your spouse, and expressing those of yourself. 

Dive into this episode and we'll talk about five keys to becoming more assertive in your marriage. 

Show Notes Transcript

Let's talk about the value of being assertive in marriage. Before we do, here are a few definitions of assertive:  

“The quality of being self-assured and confident without being aggressive to defend a right point of view or a relevant statement.”

"A life skill that involves being able to express your thoughts and feelings in a confident, polite, and reasonable way.”

Assertiveness in relationship is all about needs - meeting those of your spouse, and expressing those of yourself. 

Dive into this episode and we'll talk about five keys to becoming more assertive in your marriage. 

Welcome back to The Beauty and Battle Podcast. We're pumped to be with you. We are in our series, our fourth installment in, uh, our eight part series, talking about the neuroscience of connection based on the book by Dr. Amen called You Happier. Um, we are going off of the acronym. Relating. Yeah. There you go.

Thank you Torah. Mm-hmm. Relating, um, that word. And we're gonna use that. So we already talked about R, which is responsibility. Um, we talked about e empathy, we talked about, uh, l listening, and today we're gonna dive into assertiveness and the power of being assertive. Does that sound right? That's right, yes.

I'm afraid. Sound fun to you? That sounds fun to me. But before we go, um, we gotta play a song. Okay. You got one today, don't you? I do. I have probably one of the all-time greats. Okay. Having grown up in Texas, you guys all know by now it's country music or die. So I have one of the all-time greats by John Michael Montgomery called, I love the Way You love it.

You, you even said that with a little more twang. Did I say John? John Michael Montgomery. Yeah. But just, I mean, even the way this song starts, it's. Let's stop doing the podcast and just dance together. Maybe smooch a little bit. All right, let's get this thing rolling. Okay. Play the song. Shut my mouth. Okay, I got it.

I got it to, here we go.

I like to,

That is so good.

Maybe we just play the whole song tour.

I love the way you love me. I could play the whole song and that. That was a long clip. That was a really long clip. I just couldn't it, I was just looking at you like, okay, when are we going to cut this one out? Oh, come on. But you know what? You were into it. You were feeling it and it's a good one. Hey, I forgot to say.

The answer to the question, um, that we're, that we're answering here when we're talking about the neuroscience connection is, am I reinforcing the behaviors I like or dislike in my spouse? Yeah, I love that. Say that again. Am I reinforcing the behaviors I like or dislike in my spouse? So good. So that's such, that's a great question to ask and that's why we're talking about relating.

And so today we're talking about assertive. Because of those eight qualities. In order for us to reinforce the things that we like right in our spouse and that our spouse can liken us, we need to take responsibility. We need to be empathetic. We need to listen. And today is being assertive. Yeah. So let's talk about assertiveness.

Okay. So assertiveness is something that I honestly didn't even think about until I started learning the Enneagram. Yeah, that's true. Assertiveness is something that is one of the stances that they unpack in the Enneagram. There's so many layers to it, and the reason you'll hear us talking about the Enneagram is because it ha so much, is because it has helped Jason and I to become more self-aware.

Yeah. As we were beginning to be, you know, to look into what emotional intelligence is and how that helps relationships. We found that the en angiogram helped us become the most self-aware out of any other system that we could find. Yeah. And, um, So anyways, one of the, one of the things that they unpack in the Enneagram is an interpersonal stance.

It's how we go about getting our needs met. Yeah. And there are nine different types and three, uh, um, will, will move towards it in a, in a similar way. Mm-hmm. So the ones, twos, and threes are gonna move towards getting their needs, needs met in a dutiful way. Dutiful. Dutiful. Okay. So this is like, You are in this stance.

I'm a one, so maybe you can speak to this like this. When there's something that you need, you tend to get very Oh, I get it. Yeah. You get it by being helpful, huh? It's like, okay, what can I do to help? Let's like you move into it with action. It's not like you're, you're not, um, delegating it out. You're gonna move towards it in a way that you're helping yourself to, like, even when you're hungry, you, you go in the kitchen, you start cooking something, you're not, um, it's just kind of your natural way of getting your needs met.

It's gonna be a dutiful. So when I'm doing the dishes, you know, I have ulterior motives. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, that would be, that's one of them. Wow. Jason has a vacuumed the living room. Why are you clean cleaning? Yeah, because I have a knee.

And so it's, it's just, it really is important to understand, like, have you ever thought about that? I know. I never thought about that. How do I get my needs met? What do I do? And so the, the second one is assertive. Yeah. And that is the, the three, seven, and eight, they naturally are going to be assertive.

Yeah. This means that they can be delegators. Yeah. They can border on aggressive. Aggressive. They can be too aggressive. Yeah. They can, um, be, they can come across as bulldozers, like mm-hmm. This is what I want, this is what I'm gonna get. And they just, I know how to do it. They know how to get it done. Yeah.

But oftentimes they can move over people to get it done. Yeah. And then you've got the withdraw stance, which is the one that I'm in it, the fours, fives, and nines. Ten two withdraw. Okay. Which, you know, when you really think about it, does that really get your needs met? Probably not. No. No. You just, you just boil inside.

Yeah. You fall asleep to your own knees. And I remember hearing about that with, um, with be, with someone being a nine. Mm-hmm. Which you are. And I heard that, that they fall asleep to their own. Yeah. Because they're all about meeting the needs of others. And then I realized for the last 20 some years of us being married, it's like Torah, where do you want to eat?

You're like, oh, where do you want to go? Mm-hmm. And then you'll just wrap around whatever I want. Right. And fortunately, over the last few years, you've learned how to be more assertive with that. And now I understand that it's always Indian. That is like Thai food. Yeah. I actually do have some desire behind it.

Look Indian. You've never liked Indian. You're like, oh no. I've always liked Indian. You just always wanted to do steak because I did. Yeah. Yeah. I'm such a bad husband. But you know what? We've learned each other really well. Yeah. In the last, you know, several even, and we're learning each other even more and more.

Yeah. Every year. I mean, I feel like we're constantly growing. That's the way it should be. Tori knows though, that I can't eat Indian too late. Especially if we're gonna watch a little show, you know, on a Friday night, you know, late I eat the Indian so pin, you can't get your finger, your can't get your ring off your finger the next day.

Oh my gosh. It just swells the hands up. But it also gives like some really awesome gas. Let me just tell you guys, for you, not for Tori, I won't throw you under the bus like that. Yeah. I'm like, where are you going? Um, so anyways, it, it is really, it's one of those things with being assertive and he talks about it in the book too, how you don't want to, you have to know yourself.

You have to know are you a naturally assertive person? Are you too assertive? Or are you someone that is not assertive enough and you get run over? Yeah. Because when it comes to being assertive, um, you, you really need to understand your bent. Yeah. Um, cuz when I first read this, I'm like, oh. So he's saying that one of the things is you have to be assertive, but no, actually he's not.

He's saying you need to know where you're at. Yeah. You know, the one thing that I think we need to do right from the jump here is define assertive. Yeah. So I got a, a couple definitions. Um, first it being assertive is the quality of being self-assured and confident without being aggressive to defend a right point of view or a relevant state.

So, lemme say that again, and then I'll give you another definition. It's the quality of being self-assured and confident without being aggressive to defend a point, a right point of view, or a relevant statement, which means not backing down. If you've said something right, you're not gonna then back down on it because the person didn't receive it the right way.

Right. That's being assertive. Yep. Um, a better definition than I like assertive assertiveness is a life skill that involves being able to express your thoughts and feelings in a confident, polite, and reasonable way. I like that. That's really good. Yeah. And so I really think that assertive assertiveness when it comes to a relationship is all about needs.

It's all about meeting those. Needs of your spouse and expressing those needs of yourself. Hmm. So that's what assertive assertiveness is. So just think about that. It's the two, it's the two-way street. Yeah. First you have to be able to find yourself in a position to where you want to meet the needs of your spouse.

Yeah. That's good assertiveness. Okay. And then you have to be in a position to where you can express the needs of yourself. Yeah. A a non assertive person, which would be a passive person. And even an aggressive person, and we're gonna talk about four different, uh, levels of, of this, but the passive person doesn't express their own needs, but they're probably really good at meeting their spouse's needs.

The aggressive person probably isn't good about meeting their, uh, meeting their spouse's needs, but they're really good about expressing their own needs. Mm-hmm. You know what I'm saying? Yep. So you're, you're, you're gonna be passive, you're gonna be aggressive. No, no, no. That's not what you need to do. You need to.

Assertive. Mm-hmm. So it's all about need. So let me give you these four levels cuz this'll help you understand where we're talking about and, and why assertiveness is so powerful for your marriage. Um, the first level is being passive. Mm-hmm. So we mentioned that that is, um, lemme give you some qualities of being passive and then a statement that represents a passive person in a relationship.

So some qualities, they're emotionally dish. Hmm. So you might not really know what you feel emotionally, but others aren't gonna really know what you feel emotionally either. So it's, it is, being a passive is emotionally dishonest. Wow. While they're indirect, inhibited, self denying. Hmm. Sometimes blaming and, and often apologetic.

A passive person says others rights and needs take precedence over mine. Okay. Wow. And we would think, well, that's the right way you're supposed to be. Yeah. Well, The commandment is love others as you love yourself. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Which means that you understand your needs and you know how to get those needs met.

Wow. Okay. So that's the passive person. Then there's the passive aggressive person. Hmm. So this isn't the full aggressive. Yeah. This is the passive aggressive. They're also emotionally dishonest. They're indirect, they're self-denying at first, but self enha enhancing at the expense of the other. So they're not willing to confront you in the moment, but what they're really doing is underhanded way of mm-hmm.

Back door. Yeah. They're back door cutting you. Mm-hmm. Um, and the, the, the statement that represents them is, I subtly make clear that my rights and needs prevail, so I'm gonna subtly make clear that my rights and mind needs prevail over yours. Okay. That's what passive aggressive is. Okay. Then there's the aggressive.

Mm-hmm. This is the person who's inappropriately honest. Okay. So they're honest, but it's like, gosh, you, you're just so blunt. Mm-hmm. Like, just cut that out, like Right. Be a little empathetic here. Right. So an aggressive person, inappropriately honest, they're direct, expressive, attacking, controlling, and they're self enhancing at the expense of others.

Hmm. Their statement is this, I boldly insist that my rights and my needs. Wow. And they're bold about it. Yeah. Like, I need this and we're gonna get it done bulldozing. That's not who I am. Mm-hmm. When you hear people say that, that's just not who I am. Yeah. Well, in, in a relationship, especially in a marriage, it's not about, that's not who I am.

Mm-hmm. It's about compromise and a, it's about meeting each other's needs. Um, so you've got the passive, you've got the passive aggressive, you've got the aggressive. Those three are bad. Then the perfect that you wanna be is assertive. Hmm. Assertive is appropriately honest. Okay. So it's not bashing someone with your honesty.

And it's also not withholding honesty from someone. You know, if I'm like, Torah, what do you really want to eat? I really don't care. But deep down you would like some Indian food. Mm-hmm. Well, you can't be emotionally dishonest with me in that moment. You have to be appropriately honest, which means, well, I really don't care.

But in all honesty, I kind of would like. Indian food, right? Like that is, that's a gift to me as a spouse that you can be honest with me that way. Yeah. So an assertive person is appropriately honest. They're direct self enhancing, expressive, confident, and empathetic to the emotions of all involved. Mm-hmm.

And their statement is, I clearly express what we, that we both have needs and rights. Hmm. So they clearly express it. Um, let me, let me run these little statements to see if you're assertive. Okay. Okay. And this is for whoever's listening here. Just tell me if this, if this lines up with you. Okay. If you're assertive, I can easily request help and information from others.

You want me to answer this? No, no, no. You don't have to answer it. I'm just, it's, it's all rhetorical. So are you assertive? If you're assertive, you can do that. Mm-hmm. You can easily request help and information from others. I feel capable of learning new things. I take responsibility for my own. We know some folks that don't do that real well.

Try, uh, 12 year old kids, I can discuss my beliefs without judging others. I can express strong feelings such as anger and frustration. Hmm. Like if you're scared to express anger or frustration that that's a problem. Okay. Uh, I'm able to express my honest opinion to others. I tell others when their behavior isn't accept.

That's a hard thing to do. Mm-hmm. But in a relationship, you've gotta be able to do that. Um, couple more. I'm, I'm able to say no without guilt or fear. That's huge. Wow. For assertiveness that you're able to say no without guilt, without fear. Is that even possible? It is possible. It's tougher for a nine on the 80 gram than it would be a one Yep.

Or an eight. Um, I'm comfortable meeting new. I can speak confidently in group situations. These are assertive people. I can assert my beliefs even when the majority disagrees. This is huge. You know, how many, do you know how many even spiritual leaders like pastors today are not assertive? Hmm. Because they are not gonna tell what they really believe because of lack of public opinion.

Uh, I believe my needs are as important as those of. Wow, that's, that's your assertive, yeah. I can express disappointment without blaming others, and I value my own experience and wisdom. Hmm. Those are all traits of being assertive. That's really good. Yeah, those are those, it's humbling to, to read that, you know, cuz there's a few on there.

I'm like, hmm. I don't really know if I line up with that. Yeah. I love those little quizzes because it really does help you to think through questions that you may never have thought of before. To bring some self-awareness Yeah. To, in, in some emotional intelligence to, you know, a situation that. Otherwise you just wouldn't know.

So yeah, those are, I'm gonna go back and, and look at those then. Yeah. And listen to this podcast again and really go through that. Yeah, because that's, that, those are some really good questions. Um, and Dr. Amen has, did what, does he have, like five or six points on how to become more assertive? Let's, let's go through those.

So this is what he says in the book. He says, being assertive means expressing your thoughts and feelings in a firm, yet reasonable way, not allowing others to emotionally run over you saying, Yes. When that's not what you mean. Oh, okay. Yeah, I like that. Mm-hmm. So you, you need to only say yes when you mean it.

Yeah. And so not to be so quick, to be like, oh yeah, I'd definitely do that and mm-hmm. And then you realize and that that was something that I'm really not capable of doing right now. Yes. Um, so he, then he does, he goes through five, did you hear that pun? I said yes. What? I don't get it. No, I get it. I like it.

That's not a pun though. It wasn't. No, it was just like a little punchline maybe. Yeah, something. But you threw me when you said pun because either way it wasn't good. Nope. Is what you're saying. Thanks, Toor. All right, so moving on. There are five simple rules to help you assert yourself. He says, okay, I'm gonna go over them.

Do not give into the anger of others just because it makes you uncom. Oh, so, and he, you know, talks about the different brain types and this, this book is about different brain types. Mm-hmm. And how different people think and how you might have a more bent towards being cautious or persistent or overly sensitive.

Um, or spontaneous, which is kind of like, you're kind of have squirrel moments where your brain is going a million different hour, miles an hour, and mm-hmm. Bouncing in between thoughts. And so how all of those ways that you have that natural bent would affect the way that you, um, the way that you respond.

And so he, he was talking about how this is something that people who are more cautious. When they're just very aware of people's frustrations and angers and they just don't want to deal with it at all. Yeah. And so when somebody gets angry, they just submit and they just go with whatever they say, just simply because they don't wanna deal with that person's anger.

Yeah. That's like the old statement, you know, if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy, happy. Or, or it could be the other way around if dad's not happy in the house mm-hmm. And nobody's gonna be happy, so, so if dad comes home in a bad mood mm-hmm. Or angry, then everybody just falls in line. Like, like, and that just could become a very dangerous Yeah.

Environment that you're, that you can't say, no, we're actually, we're not gonna do this just cuz you're upset right now. And, you know, uh, in any unhealthy relationship, um, it's typically tyranny by the most selfish partner. So the key is for the more selfless partner. Now you're not of course gonna make that announcement.

I'm more selfless than you, but you will put your foot down and say, That's not what we need to be doing. You mm-hmm. You, you really don't need to be acting that way right now. Right. So please stop. Yeah. Yep. And you know, this, this is also not just in relationship with your spouse, but with your kids. Like, well, we don't, we don't tell our kids No, that's true.

We give our kids whatever they want so that we don't have to deal with the crap. No. But this is such a tendency for me, it's like I don't want you to be upset and have to deal with your anger for the next hour. And just kind of subtly accommodate. Yeah. Instead of be like, absolutely not, I don't care. You go, we can go head to head for an hour and, and it's a no.

Yeah. That's hard for me. Yeah. That's a, that's a tough one, but, but you can do it to, thank you. I got this. Thank you. Number two. There's nothing like Tori saying. I am not gonna make Jake that sandwich that he's gonna ask for because he is asked me for 15 other different things, and the next thing I know I come home from work and she's making him a sandwich.

I'm like, there you go. She's like, I just felt like he was hungry. And I'm like, yeah, but you said you wouldn't do it. Well, that's, oh yeah, that tour. All right. All right. That's, that's a mom thing. Um, that's a good thing. Yeah. I mean there, yeah. It's, it's, it's, it's hard to know when to say no. Yeah. Just start with No, and we move, move on from there.

Yeah. Start there. Okay. Got it. Start with no. Um, okay. Number two, say what you mean and stick up for what you believe is right. Yeah, I like that. Yeah. Actually say what you mean. That way you don't have to be passive aggressive with it or beat around the bush. Just, just say it. Yeah. I just think there's such balance in everything.

Like I, you and I actually had a. Um, disagreement. It was a couple weeks ago, and I was just kind of like challenging something politically that you and I were actually like, I, you were very passionate about. I told you, you shouldn't have voted for Biden. I know you were life. I know. Dang. But why, babe? I mean, there are, okay.

He's a nice guy that has nothing to do with it. We were, she did not vote for Biden. It had nothing to do with Biden, but we were talking about something and. You know, I have a tendency to see things from a lot of different angles, and you can be more like you're, you're just sure of something and it can be a really, really good thing.

But sometimes I'm like, well, but let's just look at it from this perspective too. And you said to me, you said, shame on you. No, I didn't. Yeah, you did. But listen, we're, I'm going somewhere good with. And because it was like you, you were so passionate and it was so black and white and it was so wrong. What I was like, for me to bring in a different angle to you, it was like, no, you can't even, I don't really think I, I said it like that.

You said, shame on you. Let me finish. Okay. A little liar. And, and you know, for me, I'm not typically gonna challenge a lot of things. Um, and I think you could see it in my face like, Like, but let me just like talk it through and I started talk it through and you just, I remember you just looked at me, you're like, I am so sorry you don't remember having, you said, I'm so, I do so sorry.

But don't remember shame. I can't believe I said shame on you. Really? Yeah. And, and I was like, I remember we just like had this kind of moment where you're like, I. I sometimes can be so passionate. Yeah. And so like, no, and so confident about something that I assert myself and I don't let you have a different opinion.

Yeah. And then comes, I do remember jumping, it becomes moral thing and it's like, no, I, you, you can talk about things. Yeah. And we can talk about things without sh me saying, you know, shame on you or you feeling shameful for having a different opinion. Yeah. And anyways, It's, it's conversations like that that for somebody who's not assertive, it's like, no, I can, if I don't agree on something, we can talk through it.

Mm-hmm. Even if I'm totally wrong, like honestly in that conversation we, we kind of talk through some things and I, I really. Wasn't thinking straight on something, but I needed to tease it out. Yeah. I needed to tease it out and and hear different things, and I just think it's now every single woman that's listening to this podcast hates me.

No, it was good because I think there are other men who are very, very assertive and it becomes this like this kind of bulldozing way of handling things instead of being like, Now I don't agree with that, but yeah, like I see, I do hear where you're coming from and there has to be like this balance of assertiveness and, and what is the other word?

Passive aggressive. Passive aggressive. No, those, those are, those are the bad ones. Those are the bad ones. Okay. What is the word? I don't know. I don't know. But there has, I think that it's important that there is this, there is a balance there that there can't just be this bulldozing that there has to be a, there has to be a safety in conversations to where, you know, you can, you can assert yourself and be confident, but you can also allow the other person to have a difference of opinion in, in it be a healthy environment.

And I can say something, uh, here for the ladies out there who, whose husbands. Do have, uh, strong opinions or, or anything. I remember having this conversation with Tori. I don't remember the shame on you part. I thought I said something else, but it wasn't like it, but whatever it was. Um, I do remember coming back and being like, I'm an idiot.

I'm sorry. I sh I jumped to conclusions. But one of the things that led me to that was that you were assertive in that and you said, would you stop and just let me, uh, Get this out and say it because that's not what, what just came outta my mouth. It, it might different. Yeah. I like, I'm talking through this thing, let me talk through it.

But you were assertive with it. Mm-hmm. And I was like, oh, okay. Mm-hmm. You kind of put me in my place, you know? And I think that, uh, I think that's a really good thing, especially for wives. Be assertive with your husbands. You know, they want that and they'll appreciate it. I'm just laughing so hard that you're like, I didn't say sha, I don't think I would've said shame on you.

You said shame on you. Okay. That's so funny. It's killing you, isn't it? Yeah. Why would I ever say that? I don't know. But you, you, you corrected yourself, but that was like the re that was the passion that came through. Nice. Good job. Okay. Alright. Take us to number three. Number three, maintain self-control.

And he talks about how somebody with a spontaneous brain who's kind of bouncing around thoughts can, can get outta control a lot. And this is actually something that I struggle with. I, this happens when you don't assert yourself. You don't say, no, I don't wanna do this, or, no, we're not gonna do this. Or you just are going with the flow.

Going with the flow, and then all of a sudden, You lose control. It's blown. Yeah. Because everything is chaos because you have not been assertive. And I just remember Michelle Bachman telling us that. Mm-hmm. You remember the lady who, uh, she ran for president, uh, several presidential races ago, and we, she had How many kids does she have?

Like eight. Like a lot. Yeah. Yeah. And we said, how, how do you discipline your kids or whatever? Like how do you maintain sanity? She had older kids and she said, you have to enforce boundaries. Like you have to enforce the rules. If you don't, if you say, here's the rule, and then they, they, they break it, you know, and you're just kind of, um, you know, passive with it.

Right. You'll explode. Yeah. And I was like, oh, that, that's why I, that's a real thing. Angry. Mm-hmm. Like if I just would enforce boundaries. Yeah. Calmly. Right. And enforce them. Enforce, enforce, enforce. Right. Then I wouldn't explode in anger. Anger. And you wouldn't Yeah, exactly. And that's basically what this one is about.

It's about when you are, you know, able to assert yourself, then it doesn't get out of control. Mm-hmm. And then you just freak out and you're like, ah. Yeah. Um, number four is be firm and kind if possible. Yeah, that's a good one. Yep. Do a fruit of the spirit. Yeah. Kindness. Yep. Um, and then number five is b I love this one.

Be assertive only when it is necessary. What does he mean by that? You're not, you don't, you don't have to be assertive. For every situation. Oh yeah. There you've, you, we have to accommodate Just chill out. Just we have to chill out. We have to be laid back. Yeah. Go with the full, like even like with, with going out to eat when you've got six, there's six of us in our family.

Mm-hmm. And so for me it just, peace is more important than what we eat. Yeah. So like the, taking my opinion off the table. To me is like, it's just, it makes it just a little bit easier. And honestly, I wish that our kids could be a little bit more like accommodating. Like let's just not be so opinionated about where we're gonna go to eat.

Because if we're not gonna eat tonight, if everybody has an opinion. Yeah. Because everyone wants, or what We're gonna watch for a movie. Yeah. Right. Like which family movies? Gosh. I just, I hate that. It feels like it's a thing of the past. Because of kids have such an opinion, can't handle. Like I don't, I don't watch that.

I'm not, they got to choose last time and so then I just, you know, I've found that if you just pin your kids' heads straight to the ground and force 'em to do it, it works. Yeah. But I mean, you know, in, in relationship, in family, we have to, we are constantly like you have to let go. Of your desire sometimes.

Yeah. Like it's not all about you all the time. And so I think that's what this is about. It's being a sort of only when necessary, like you know, when you can just let go. But I like that. At the same time, there are gonna be times for people who. Who have a really hard time being assertive, you're gonna have to push harder.

Yeah. To be assertive. And for the, for the spouse that might be naturally more assertive like me. Yes. Mm-hmm. It's your responsibility to help your spouse be assertive. Yeah. Pull it out of them. So we'll go back to the easiest example that we've got. Mm-hmm. Is. Tour. What do you want to eat? She's like, I don't know what, what?

I don't care. Whatever you want to eat. No, no, no. That's not good enough for me. Mm-hmm. No. Tell me what you want to eat. No, seriously, I'm to honey. I'm telling you. Honest. I don't care. And I'm like, okay, so here are three options. This, this, and this. Yeah. Three that I know that you probably would like, and then you just pick one and then it helps her be assertive.

Yeah. That is something that when we started to learn about this stuff and became aware of. You really did like, you, it kind of became, your goal was to help me to get a voice and to be able to, you know, have an opinion on things by making that easier on me. Yeah. And so if you do have a spouse, Jason, how so?

Is that just something that, because it's on the front of your mind now, that that's just become, cuz I know in the last. I don't know. However many years you've been really intentional about Yeah. Pulling that out of me, I think the thought that God's not just your father. He's your father-in-law. Mm-hmm.

And your father-in-law wants you to bring the best out of his son or daughter. Yeah. So what can you do to, to help them become the best version of themselves? And so what I know about you, Is that you, you're the best version of yourself when you have that bent of assertiveness in you. Yeah. You know, that little bouncy, bubbly, confident girl I met mm-hmm.

A long time ago. And so if you're not being that way, then I need to remind you and help you get to be that way again. Mm-hmm. So for a spouse listening to this right now, and maybe you think that you're. Your spouse isn't who they used to be or whatever. Well, you can help them get there. Yeah. And you just have to take a proactive stand and ask God, as your father-in-law, show me what I can do to help your son or your daughter become that person who you made them to be.

And then you get assertive with it. Yeah. And then help them be assertive. Right. You know? So, again, just just to to some, to wrap this up, assertiveness in relationship is all about needs. It's. Being able to meet the needs of your spouse and then expressing your own needs to your spouse. So if we can do that, I think we're gonna be in a good place.

I agree. Assertiveness. All right, week. That's a good one. Next week. Next week. What? I don't, what are we talking about next time? Next week is time. Yep. That's the fifth. Fifth letter. Time after time. Yep. Right. Okay. So I'm not gonna share a recipe with you guys this week. It's the kids' spring break. Oh. And we're taking 'em to the beach.

And so I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna throw together a reel or anything. I'm just gonna let this one go. And, um, lots of people, um, still asking for jokes and so, oh, they are, instead of doing a recipe, I'm gonna do a joke. They like jokes. They like the jokes. We might have to bounce recipe. Well, they, I think they like the recipes, but, um, I've, I've just heard several people say, Share jokes or say, Hey, we're, I don't, how come you guys aren't doing jokes anymore?

So, yeah, maybe we'll bounce back and forth every once in a while when we don't do a recipe. So I got a joke for you babe. Are you got it? Are you here? Are you with me? I'm ready. Did you know in Hawaii it's illegal to laugh loudly. What?

You can't laugh at the joke before you give it. Okay, I'm gonna start over. Did you know in Hawaii it's illegal to laugh loudly. You have to keep it to a loha Aha. Now that's quality. Where did you get that? I just, did somebody give it to us? No, I just found it online. Good job to, you're not supposed say what you're, just say no.

No. Okay, got it. I didn't go along with that one very well. It's okay. Hey, thanks for hanging out with us. We had fun. Listen, if you haven't taken our five day marriage challenge, do. And let the English see you do it and let the English see you do it and tell us what movie that's from. Mm-hmm. Don't tell 'em to her.

They have to guess it. That actually, you know what, you're really, you know so many movies. We should do that. We should do that. Do it and let the English see you do it. Little quotes from movies and see if they can guess. No, we should do, we should do, uh, movie tunes. Like legit. Oh, that's your favorite thing to do.

Should I do a movie tune? That's that's one of, that's one of me. And Tori's favorite things? Well, I could say it's one of my favorite team things more than Torry. Yeah. But to get a good soundtrack, oh, oh man, he loves him some soundtracks. I have this playlist and I should share it with everybody called A List Soundtracks, where I play these incredible tunes.


Listen to this

name, that movie, one of the best movies ever. Oh, you gotta watch this. It's such a happy movie. That is a feel good movie and soundtrack. Yeah. Okay. I'm gonna give, are you gonna tell them or no? I'm gonna give it to you. It's Father of the Bride. Okay. So we'll do that one time. Listen, go take our five day challenge.

If you hadn't. All right. Have some fun. You guys. You guys will really enjoy it. And for those who want some marriage coaching, go to beauty and Apply for marriage coaching. If you maybe wanna do a marriage mentorship that's a little bit of a step up or one of our marriage intensives, just go to our website, check it out.

We're here to help. All right. Thanks for hanging out with us. This is really fun. This was fun. We'll see you guys next week. I feel like I need to pray it out, but I, I'm not gonna, but I will pray for. Right. I think you're having a hard time saying goodbye tonight. All right guys. We'll see you next week.