We're in Week 2 of our discussion on the neuroscience of connection (based on the book, "You Happier" book by Dr. Amen). We're talking about the eight keys to staying deeply connected to your spouse, and answering the question, "Am I reinforcing the behaviors I like or dislike in my spouse?"
Last week we talked about the importance of taking responsibility in your marriage. This week we're talking about empathy. We're going to show you the latest research on empathy - how it develops and how we can grow it in - and how 90% of marital conflict is resolved when both partners are empathetic toward each other.
And we'll wrap it up with 5 Keys to Growing in Empathy.
Enjoy!
Oh, and if you haven't taken our 5-Day Marriage Challenge join us HERE!
We're in Week 2 of our discussion on the neuroscience of connection (based on the book, "You Happier" book by Dr. Amen). We're talking about the eight keys to staying deeply connected to your spouse, and answering the question, "Am I reinforcing the behaviors I like or dislike in my spouse?"
Last week we talked about the importance of taking responsibility in your marriage. This week we're talking about empathy. We're going to show you the latest research on empathy - how it develops and how we can grow it in - and how 90% of marital conflict is resolved when both partners are empathetic toward each other.
And we'll wrap it up with 5 Keys to Growing in Empathy.
Enjoy!
Oh, and if you haven't taken our 5-Day Marriage Challenge join us HERE!
So we're talking about empathy today. I love this because we're, we're going back in our little series on the neuroscience of connection. Mm-hmm. , uh, based on the book, you Happier by Dr. Amen. Right. Psychologist and this dude, like brain scientist. Mm-hmm. , I don't know what the heck is he, he's the, he's the, on one of the only psychologists, I think he was the first psychologist that actually does, um, scans of the brain.
Yeah. Before he meets with clients because he looks at the brain as an organ. Which it is an organ. Yeah. And you can see actually, Some problem areas right off the bat, just from a scan. That's crazy. Yeah. That's crazy. And then he's a psychologist and so he does a lot of marriage counseling, which is really cool that that was the thing that caught our attention.
Mm-hmm. , it's like this guy is a neuroscientist doing and psychologist doing marriage counseling. Yeah. Cuz he, it focuses a lot on relationships that if your brain isn't healthy and if your body's not healthy, your relationships are most like, Hope it like your, your relationships play a huge role in the health of you.
Yeah. And so we, uh, if you didn't listen to last week, you need to listen to that because it's gonna set this one up. But he's got these eight steps. On how you can on, on how you can reinforce the behaviors that you need in every relationship. But we're talking specifically marriage, um, and how you can reinforce those things through neuroscience.
And, and he uses the acronym relating, right? And last week we talked about responsibility. So the R was responsibility, then it's empathy. We're gonna talk about that today. The L is listening, good communication skills. A is assertiveness, T is time, spend time with each other. Mm-hmm. I is inquiry, which is recognizing your negative thoughts.
N is noticing what you like more than you don't, and G is grace and forgiveness. And we're gonna talk through each of those. So, um, today we're gonna be focusing in on the. The empathy. Yep. Uh, but before we do that, Tori has a rockstar song, , if she need to. So at the end, at the end of this, I'm gonna share a recipe in Lundy May.
So Jason was at Life Search this weekend with Andy Ann interviewing her, and she brought him this amazing cookbook and she has just an incredible story. She grew up Oh yeah, Amish and, um, we're gonna definitely have to have her and her husband on the podcast at some point to share her story, their relationship story, which is just incredible.
Um, but she grew up in an Amish community and so she now has. All of those recipes into a book. And Lundy made her deviled eggs today. We came home to her making the deviled eggs. And so it was good. They were delicious. They were so good. So anyways, we're gonna share that Yeah. On um, Instagram with you guys.
So I asked Lundy, I said, well, we're gonna, we're gonna feature you on the reel this week. You making these Auntie Ann's uh, deviled eggs. So what's your favorite love song? And she, she told us. Right now it's Jonathan Hutcherson. Um, spring without rain. Uh, sky. What? Sky without you. Uh, I should have wrote it down.
Sky about stars or whatever. I don't sky without stars. Yeah. Sorry. Yep. So I got it right here. She, um, she cued it up for me. All right, here we go. And it's not playing. I love this song, . It's the best.
There you go. Yeah, it's good job, Lauren. This has been playing in our house in all week, and Jake loves it too. And so I've, I've heard it probably 50 times this week, and it's actually a really good country song. It's a good song. Yeah. All right, so let's dive in. Let's talk about empathy, um, empathy, seeing the world through other's eyes.
Here's, let me give you the, the, the technical definition. Um, according to psychologists, it's the ability to feel or imagine another person's emotional experience. Now, this isn't always. Because when somebody's going through an emotional experience, you're not, and it's, it's difficult to get into their emotions.
Right. But I think that's why the Bible tells us you need to weep with those who weep. Yeah. And rejoice with those who rejoice. Like it's important for you to mirror what's going on in their lives. Hmm. Why would God tell us to do that? Because he knows that's the basis of. Wow. Empathy is all about connection.
And in the Bible times when someone would die, they would have a period of mourning where you literally, in the New Testament times, I think it was around seven days in the Old Testament times, depending on who the person was, it could be up to 70 days where people literally in the city mourned with you.
And so, um, it, all of that was, is the foundation for empathy. Mm-hmm. , it's, it's getting into the emotional state of where that other person is. And when you do that, it literally bonds you to that person. Right. Right. Now there's a difference between empathy and sympathy. So if I see Tori drowning in the lake, let's say we're in a boat and she jumps out and she starts to drown.
Sympathy is me throwing her a life jacket. That's sympathy. Look, I'll feel bad here. Take that empathy is me diving in. Mm. And if you go down, I'm going down. Mm-hmm. , like that's what empathy is. . Um, but empathy, uh, I was reading, you guys know that Tori and I, so Tori is a certified emotional intelligence coach, and we've read the book, emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradbury.
Mm-hmm. . And he says, O of the four quadrants of emotional intelligence. Remember what those are. You've got, um, so self-awareness, self-management. Social awareness and relationship management. So those are the four quadrants. So you've gotta be self-aware. Then you've gotta be able to manage yourself. Then you've gotta be socially aware, which is aware of others, and then you have to be able to manage those relationships.
He says that empathy is the foundation for all good relationship management. Why? Because empathy is the basis of connection. If you think about this, um, empathy is feeling seen or. Like, excuse me. Empathy is seeing and hearing the other person so that they feel seen and heard. Mm-hmm. , right? Like nobody wants to be, uh, invisible.
Right. And, and they're, you feel seen and heard. And the definition of intimacy we've always said is to be fully known and fully accepted. But a a little way to think about that is intimacy is into me c mm. If, if I'm pouring my heart out to Tori and she's totally hearing it, then I feel seen. That's the foundation of intimacy.
And, uh, doctors less and Leslie Parrot say 90% of all conflict is resolved by empathy. Wow. Isn't that crazy? being able to put yourself in the other person's shoes and jumping in. Yeah. What's Dr. Amen say? So, Dr. Amen. The chapter on empathy is really interesting. He talks a lot about mirror neurons. Yeah. In the brain.
And so this was discovered by three Italian neuroscientists in the late nineties, and the neurons help us to resist the neurons. Help us to read other people's mind. Tend to mimic certain actions. Yeah. Like yawning when someone's yawning. Yeah. Or laughing when somebody laughs. Those are when mirror neurons are at work.
Right? Like, like when you're watching a movie and they're crying in the movie, and then you're crying. Mm-hmm. and then suddenly you're crying. Nothing happened. Yawn, you're yawning, right? Yeah. Those are me neuro neurons. Yeah. Um, but something very important to those being activated is presence. You have to be present with a person.
You have to be looking in their eyes. You need to be with them . You need to be, you know, present with them if your mind is thinking about a thousand other things. Wow. Or if you're distracted by your phone or whatever it may be. Mm-hmm. , you're those, um, mirror neurons are not gonna be activated. They're not.
That's true. Yeah. So we have, maybe you won't feel. Yeah, exactly. So it's a big part of that is being present with the people in your life, with your spouse. You've gotta be present when they're talking. You need to be looking in their eyes. Yeah. You need to be, um, seeking and feeling it. And feeling with their feeling.
By, by looking at them though uhhuh by actually being there with them and being all there with them and putting yourself in their situation. Yeah. Whatever situation they're talking about. Like if you were going through the same situation and we'll talk about, we're gonna leave you guys with, uh, five things that we think can help you.
Uh, in empathy. Yeah. One thing that your dad always says, wherever you are, be all there. Oh, yeah. And I think that's such a great quote. And he, he really does that really well. He's really present in the moment with when he's with the kids, you really see it. He's really like digging in. He's all there. And that's, um, such a, an amazing quality.
But wherever you are, be all there. Um, and then he talks about, um, Dr. , he talks about what are some things that we can do to fire up those mirror neurons. Mm-hmm. And, um, so can I share, can I share something from, uh, positive psychology.com real quick before we give them some things? Mm-hmm. on what they can do to fire those things up?
Just because this, this is, uh, talking about the research of empathy and they talk about how empathy has certain stages of development and in newborn. It takes you through newborns, infants, toddlers, early childhood. So I wanna read a little bit of this research real quick. Yeah, go ahead. To give the folks just kind of an understanding of, of how empathy is developed.
Mm-hmm. in newborns when, when newborns hear other infants crying, they frequently exhibit signs of distress. And it's known as reflexive, crying or emotional contagion. Mm-hmm. , that's in a newborn. Wow. Like before they even know what in the heck is going on. , that's a precursor to empathy. Then in infants they say that infants start to, uh, exhibit concern for.
Um, but then when they get into toddler, well, well, as an infant though, they can often oftentimes be overwhelmed by other fe others' feelings. Right. So therefore they start screaming mm-hmm. and crying. Mm-hmm. when somebody else starts screaming and crying. . I mean, we've had four kids. Yeah. If one of our kids was sitting down next to another kid they didn't know and that kid starts screaming and crying.
Next thing you know, our kids doing the same thing. Exactly. Mm-hmm. , um, toddlers between the ages of 14 and 36 months, uh, children begin to show clear signs of the emotional components of. Including apologizing, showing concern for others, offering to help. Um, and whether they've seen it on TV or with family, they start to kind of mimic, mimic what other people do when they see them hurting.
Mm-hmm. then, in early childhood says, uh, as children begin their early school years, they not only experience others' emotional states, but also start to imagine their experiences referred to by psychologists and philosophers as the theory of. They begin to see themselves and others in terms of emotions, feelings, and desires.
So that's early childhood. That's why it's so incredibly important. What Tori and I have seen is keeping your kids off of social media, you know, as early childhood. Mm-hmm. , you know, making sure you're paying attention to what they're watching cuz they, they are absorbing it like a sponge. Then middle childhood into adulthood.
Um, these psychologists say there's significant developments in empathy. Um, and, and they call it a broader pro-social personality trait. So it's the development of early pro-social behavior, such as empathetic concern and perspective taking, like where you can take someone else's perspective and it motivates helping behavior.
Hmm. And so they say, well, what causes empathy? Like what, what affects empathy? They say, you know, sometimes it's genetic. They did research on twins and they. You know that twins often have the same type of empathy, neurodevelopmental factors, like if you had damage to the brain or something happened, everybody has a different temperament.
They said temperament affects empathy. Right. Um, But they did start, they did talk about the value of mimicry and imitation. Mm. That since the, the facial mimicry begins as at early infancy stage. Mm-hmm. , but what you just said about being fully present when you're taking in someone's face Yeah. Like just taking it in, whatever it is that they're, you know, expressing to you and you're feeling that that'll really help you grow in, in empathy.
Mm-hmm. And let me listen to just a couple more things. . Um, according to research by Robert Rosenthal and some of his colleagues at Harvard, they said, our capacity to read the feelings of others makes us more outgoing and popular in childhood and adulthood. Hmm. So research is showing, wow, if you're empathetic, people gonna like you more.
Yeah. Um, here's a positive impact of empathy on work relationships. Research shows that increased empathy impacts our work effectiveness, thereby, thereby improving our skills. And as workers and managers, um, in marriage, This study came out in 2016, found that Partners empathy was a strong predictor of their chances of a successful, successful relationship.
Mm-hmm. , obviously the scripture already tells us all that, so we know it. Parenting, um, according to a study in 2016, empathy makes parents more resilient and better able to face the challenges associating with raising children. Um, wow. So all sorts of stuff. Mm-hmm. , and then they, they obviously give their own ideas on how you cultivate empathy, but We'll, we'll, we'll talk about that.
Yeah. That's so good. Isn't that cool? Just that whole, just the, the science of it. Right. It's interesting. Very interesting. So some of the things that Dr. Amen suggests to kind of fire up those mirror neurons, um, if you are, and one thing it's so important to understand, like are you empathetic? Do you, you know, when I, when I was taking, um, the course, , um, emotional intelligence course.
There was a lot of testing on your empathy mm-hmm. , because that's really important to, to being emotionally intelligent. Yeah. Is, are you empathetic? Mm-hmm. and, um, again, you know, emotional intelligence is self-awareness. Yeah. And then it's self-management. Okay. So I know I'm not being empathetic or I know I am feeling empathetic towards somebody, but then what do I do about it?
Yeah. That's the next thing is self-management. And then what do you do about it? Once you are aware, what do you do about it? . And then there's the social awareness and then social management or relationship management. So there's the whole awareness piece, and then there's the management piece. It's you, you can be very strong in one, but if you don't know how to manage, if you don't, if you don't have responsibility, the ability to respond.
Yeah. Then what good is awareness and you know, what helps the most with that right there, with the whole management piece. Like, okay, so I, I, I'm aware of what's going on inside me. , but I really don't, you know, I'm not managing it well. I'm allowing these negative thoughts or whatever. Mm-hmm. or these non-empathetic thoughts toward my spouse just completely take over.
And, and I like what you say is it's kind of like your little shtick that you always say, what do you really want? Right. Right. Like when we talk to couples Tory's like, well, what do you really want? Well, what we really want is we want connection with each other. Mm-hmm. . Okay, well if that's what you really want, is that working?
Working for you? Yeah. Is thinking negative thought is stonewalling. Yeah. It's ne thinking, negative thoughts. Is that getting you what you want? Yeah. You think about what, what do you really. Right. I want connection. Well, then you've got to jump into their shoes. Yes. Yep. And so I remember when I was, when I was taking the course, I, I scored really high on empathy.
and really low on management . And what I began to realize about myself is, yes, I have a lot of empathy towards people. I feel, you know, I can see it in their eyes, I can see it in their body language. And I know I typically know right off the bat who's struggling, who's doing well, you know? Yeah, who's happy, who's sad, all those things.
But managing it is a whole nother story because of. My fear of conflict. Yeah. So for me it's this kind of fear of, oh my goodness, something's wrong. But if I move in to help, I could embark on some conflict. Yeah. And that scares me. So I tend, I can tend to withdraw or freeze up because I am afraid of conflict.
Mm-hmm. So it's really important that you understand. You know, your own ability with em, with empathy and then your ability to manage it and your ability to respond. Yeah. Yeah. That, that's, and and there were two questions that I was, that I asked, and, and, and I'll, and I'll ask these here on the podcast and then answer them because it's so important.
The one is what affects your empathy? And the other is what gets in the way of your empathy. So one of the things that affects empathy, um, Dr. Caroline Leaf talks about it is, Yeah. And then she shows in her research, she said, stress affects the region of our brains associated with empathy. For a man, stress causes decreased activity, which means less empathy.
Mm. So if he's stressed at work, and he comes home and his wife is not feeling good or, or something's going on with the wife, he's not gonna feel as empathetic, right? Because he's like, he's stressed. Right? For a woman, it causes increased activity in her brain, which stress does, which means more empathy for her.
Hmm. So the more stress she is, the more empathetic she feels toward other people. So in short, men are gonna move away from their wives when stressed and women. are gonna tend to move toward their husband in stress. That's really interesting. Yeah. That's rule of thumb, which means mm-hmm. , it's not true for everybody.
Right. Sometimes it's the opposite. You know? E e even for me, I used to move away from Tori and then I, you know, her and I flipped to now my love language is quality time it never used to be. Mm-hmm. . But because that was hers, I did everything I could to meet it, and I think God rewarded that. And now I'm a quality time guy, so if I'm.
I need to talk to Tori, like I moved toward her. That never used to be that way. Mm-hmm. But it is proof that God can transform Yeah. The situation. But Caroline Lee tells us that stress is, is, uh, something that affects empathy. So if you're having low empathy, then calm your ambition a little bit. Yeah. Like clear your calendar, like Mm.
Don't be so ambitious to where you have to accomplish all these things. Right. Especially when you got young kids, you know that this, this was hard for. I had all this ambition. We had young kids. You know, we, we, my ultimate goal was to have deeper connection with Tori. Mm-hmm. . Well, you know, when you're, when you're hurting yourself, you don't have the energy, as much energy to put out for others.
And so that makes total sense to me that you're stressed and Yeah. You're like, you're looking inward at that point. You're like, how am I gonna survive? It's this self-preservation mode that you go into like, I need to survive. Yeah. I can't help you to survive right now. I need to survive. But it's projecting.
Right. It's projecting power into that environment and saying, okay, right now, I, I recognize what's happening inside of me. I wanna self-protect. I wanna get, you know, I need to, I need, you know, to, to figure out what's going on with me. But I, I can project power into this, in, into this home right now. Yeah.
As well. Like, I'm not powerless. Yeah, that's good. So what gets in the way of your empathy? So stress and then, um, uh, no. What affects your empathy? That stress? What gets in the way of it? Tori, you mentioned earlier. for you, what gets in the way of your empathy is conflict. Mm-hmm. , like you, you run from that.
For me as a guy, I think this happens for a lot of guys, but I've, I've seen it in some women too, is comparison. Mm-hmm. . The thing that gets in the way for me is, you know, if. This always happened with our son, Trey. He would stuff himself with pizza when he was a kid. Mm-hmm. . And then he would throw up all over himself, like literally in the bed, and then he got to a point where he would run to the bathroom, but then he'd throw up all over the walls.
It was awful. I had such low empathy there because. I always was like, okay, when I'm sick mm-hmm. , I figure out a way to get it into the toilet , you know, like I'm constantly comparison mm-hmm. comparing. But it is true that oftentimes my lack of empathy is, is deep down it's a comparison thing. It's, it's, I don't struggle with that.
Yeah. It's kind of like a suck it up. It is. I can do it. You can do it. If I can do it, you can do it. Mm-hmm. , but ultimately that is a bad mm-hmm. thing to do. Yeah. You know, because in that moment, hey, they're not, Right. They're not you. And we have, we have friends and even family members that have the same struggle that I have.
Mm-hmm. , where you know that if you bring them a problem, they're, you're not gonna get much empathy or. because they got their crap together. Yeah. Figure it out. Yeah. Look, just figure it out. It's like, okay, so I'm not gonna tell you about this problem. Mm-hmm. , I need to go. And your dad is the most empathetic person I've ever met in my life.
Yeah, he is. If you want to feel good about the situation that you're in, you go talk to Frank Dadgum. Candor. Yeah. and he'll be in it with you. Oh my goodness. You know, he's an goodness Italian. Yep. Oh, that stinks. Yeah. Hey, I know a guy, , let's go. Let's go do this. You know? Oh my goodness. He's immediately on your team, but it makes you feel connected, right?
Mm-hmm. , because that's what empathy does. Yep. So let's talk about how do, how do we want to grow in empathy? Okay. Is that what you want to go that, that direction? Yeah, go ahead. Yeah. Okay. So, um, number one, cultivate curiosity. Hmm. You, you, you want to be in constant discovery mode with your. and, and that's where we go into being fully present.
Mm-hmm. , like what Tori said earlier, if you're fully present with your spouse and you've turned off your brain, you've turned off your phone, you've turned off the tv, you've done it all, go back into that same mode that you were in when you were dating. Mm-hmm. , like, there's more to this person. Yeah. I want to know it.
Yeah. Because you, you will never figure out your spouse. I mean, it's, they're like a diamond. Mm-hmm. , just turn it one degree and you're gonna see more things. Right. It's cultivating that curiosity. You're gonna constantly be fully present with each other. Number two, um, this is important. Respect, boundaries.
Yes. So good. You know, boundaries bring freedom. Mm-hmm. So you've gotta, you gotta have freedom within your own relationship. Yeah. Boundaries. Define what's you and what's me? Yes. , it keeps the good in and the bad out. Mm-hmm. and every couple needs boundaries. You need boundaries around your own relationship, and you need boundaries around each other.
Like you, Tori has certain boundaries and I've got certain boundaries, you know? Mm-hmm. , it doesn't matter what those boundaries are, but you have to respect each other's boundaries. Right. You know, so, , you can make fun of me in certain ways that you can't make fun of Tori. Mm-hmm. . And then you can make fun of Tori and she laughs at herself in certain ways that if it was said to me, it probably would hurt me a little more.
You know? Mm-hmm. like you just figure out what those things are. Yeah. And you don't question that. Right? You don't question it. Well, why does that hurt you? Right. It doesn't matter why it hurts you. Right? What the heck Just. Don't do it. Exactly. That's so true. Like at the beginning of our relationship, I think there were insecurities in me that you were not in you at all.
Yeah. And so it was hard for you to understand and it took some time for you to be like, why can't I touch this? Why can't I go near this? Yeah. What, and you're, and you got to the point you were like, I don't understand why you're insecure around this topic and this issue. But I'm going to respect that.
Yeah. And you stopped poking at that. Mm-hmm. And so, yeah, it's, it is so important. Like you, you're not gonna understand you're different. You're totally different. Yeah. And you don't understand why something hurts you that doesn't hurt your spouse or vice versa, but it doesn't mean you stop respecting that boundary.
Yeah. And that goes into number three, how to grow more empathetic, understand your differences. So your experiences are different than your spouses. Mm-hmm. , and you met your spouse at. . Chances are you didn't grow up together, but maybe you did, but chances are you didn't. Your spouse had different experiences than you.
Right. The house that they were raised in, that was their university of relationship. Yeah. So theirs was different than yours. Mm-hmm. . So therefore there's going to be certain things that they feel that you won't feel. So I, I say one of the best ways to understand your differences is to use if then logic.
If then logic is how all systems are built. Mm. If this happens, then this happens. If this then. . So what the if then logic is, if I had that experience, then I'd probably feel that way too. Mm-hmm. don't say, if I had that experience, I would've never F No, no, no, because then you're comparing, right. Just say, you know, if I was raised the exact way my spouse was raised, or if my dad treated me that way, or if my mom treated that me that way, or if I had that bully in school that me that way, I probably would respond the same way my spouse did.
That, that kind of connects you. That's if then logic, you know, where you're using your imagination. Right. You know? Yep. That's why movies are so powerful and they hit those mirror new runs. Yes. And, and you, you recognize that, man, if I was going through what I'm seeing there on the screen and I lost my daughter to a drunk driver.
Right. Oh my gosh. That would crush me. Yes. That if then logic Yeah. Really does help you. Really helpful grow in empa in empathy. Mm. Number. embrace discomfort. Yeah. It's not comfortable like to have difficult conversations. Right. It's not comfortable to be admit to, to be willing to admit that you could be wrong.
Yeah. In whatever point that you've got, like if you're going to jump into your spouse's shoes, you have to first take off your own. Yes. Which means if I'm going to try to see the world through their eyes right now and connect to them emotionally, I have to take off my preconceived notions and my biase.
and I have to drop those and jump into her situation. So good. Which means I might have to admit I'm wrong, and that is dad. Gum uncomfortable. , you know? Yeah. This goes back to what keeps, sometimes keeps me from being empathetic. It's like I feel that empathy and I feel what you're feeling and I feel bad for you, but I don't know how to jump in because I'm afraid of the conflict.
I'm afraid of doing something hard. Yeah, that's good. And so recognizing, you know what? I can do something hard. This is, this is not May. Maybe I'm making such a, a much bigger deal of how hard this will be than it really is. I need to overcome this fear of conflict and move into this with you. That's good.
That's good. So that's number four and number five, and we'll finish with this, uh, team up on something. Mm. To, and I talk all the time about developing healthy marriage habits, but you guys team up on a project. Yeah. Research has shown that working together on projects can help heal differences in divisions and remove biases.
Yeah. So figure out something that you guys can do together. team up on it. Yes. And, and tackle it. That's so good. So that's how you can grow more empathetic. It's so good. I, I wanna go back to what he, I was about to, to talk about those few things that he mentions in the book Oh, good. And how you could fire up the mirror neurons and then we got sidetracked.
So I wanna go back to that before we end. That was my fault. That's okay. So some of the things that he, he says that will help you to fire those mirror neurons, which are so important to em, to embracing empathy is know what makes your loved one. Oh, I like that. Know what do, do you really know? What are the, some of the things that make your your spouse really happy?
Mm. And, and make tho put those in the front of your mind. Yeah. Think about them. You know, like even it's so easy for a girl though, because all you have to do is know what foodie likes make it and you got 'em because we we're all just boys. That's that's definitely one of the ways. Yes. Um, and then know what makes them unhappy.
What are, what, what irritates them? We, I was just at a bridal shower for my cousin Rachel, um, this past week. And one of the games you're playing is like, um, what is the, your biggest pet peeve? What is, what is your spouse or your, what did she say? No, it wasn't for us. It was for Rachel and her fiance. Oh, okay.
And it was, um, it was like, um, chewing for both of them that drives them down. It's like, well, if that totally irritates them. Then maybe you, you take that into consideration, like, so that, that's one of Tori's biggest pet peeves, um, is if I do help around the kitchen, if I'm really loud, like if I'm gonna unload the dishwasher, I'm really loud unloading it, or, or, um, I'm loading it very loud, like I'm angry.
Oh yeah, you should have loaded the dishwasher, but you didn't. Therefore, I'm going to be really loud so that you hear me loading the dishwash. Yeah. Five. If you're, that's not good. If you're doing it with an attitude, I'd rather you not do it at all. Like just, I will do this without you. . So I'm doing the dishes and I'm singing.
In my head it bits spider . What it is it that we used to tell the kids when they were little? Right away with a happy heart. What was the thing? Oh yeah. What's the keys to obedience? Yeah. All the way right away. All the way. A happy heart. The happy heart. I have to tell. I have to remind you sometimes. Can you do it with a happy heart?
Yes. Done. Um, and then the third one was make an effort to look at things from your partner's point of view, which you just covered. Mm-hmm. how important it is to say, to put, put yourself in their. Seek to understand more than to be understood. Yeah. And then you also mentioned this from your, the research that you looked into, it is, uh, mirror your partner.
Yeah. Mirror them. Mirror them. And that's just being present. Yeah. If you can't mirror some, you can't mirror someone that you're not actually looking at. Hmm. Or you're all there with mentally, right? Yeah. But if you're all there and you're present and you're really in it with them, then. , you'll mirror their emotions and the other partner knows that you're not there with them.
Oh yeah. Yeah. absolutely. They know it. So just do it. Don't be distracted. So is that, is that all from the book? Yeah, that was it. Um, I think we covered pretty much Yeah. The, the basis of what, what he covered. And it, it's, it's a really good one. Empathy is so important. Yeah. I liked researching this one, just, just, and even going over this with you guys as we were sharing it with you, it's very, very helpful.
Anyway, thanks for hanging with us again. This is, uh, this is step two in the, in the neuroscience of connection. So now we've covered responsibility last week. Mm-hmm. empathy this week and next week we're gonna get into listening. That's right. Your communication skills. Yep. And like I mentioned at the beginning of the podcast, I'm gonna share with you, um, and Biers.
Deviled Eggs recipe that we came home to Lendy making. They were delicious. And you guys, if um, you need to check out her new cookbook, come to the table. She's awesome. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. All right. We'll see you guys next week. All right. We'll see you guys. Hey, listen, by the way, before you go, don't forget, we got a five day marriage challenge on our website, and then Tori, she's playing music again.
Sorry. Hit that song one more time. Yeah, you did Five Day challenge. On our, on our website, we also have a, a beauty and battle marriage. So go, go to beauty and battle.com and um, and we love you, . . Alright, see you next week. See you guys.