Beauty in Battle Podcast

The Neuroscience of Connection

March 21, 2023 Jason Benham, Tori Benham Episode 60
Beauty in Battle Podcast
The Neuroscience of Connection
Show Notes Transcript

We get jazzed about all the new research that's coming out on the brain and how our thoughts affect every aspect of our life, especially our relationships. In this episode, we're going to dive into the latest studies that show how marriages can be enhanced by understanding how our brains work. 

We'll be looking at Dr. Amen's recent book "YOU HAPPIER" and dive deep on the eight aspects of brain activity that can strengthen your marriage. 

You're going to like this one! Enjoy!

. Okay, so we're talking about the neuroscience of connection. And I, and I love this because Tori is reading this really awesome book. Um, what's the title of it? It's called You Happier by Daniel. Amen. Dr. Amen. Mm-hmm. , he's so popular right now. Yeah, he's, what's the subtitle? Um, the Seven Neuroscience Secrets of Feeling Good Based on Your Brain Type.

It's really interesting. We, we can get into it in just a minute, but, um, yeah, you, uh, uh, it's, and what I like about this though is the dude, he's used all this brain science on how to get people healthy and he does marriage counseling, right? Yeah. So he has a section of the book mm-hmm. all about relationships.

And so Tori's sharing with me the stuff that she's learning and I'm like, Oh, we gotta share that on our podcast. Yeah. Like, so what, what I wanna do for the next few weeks, however many weeks it takes us, um, he's shared some, some really awesome stuff and we're going to relay that to you. Yeah. On how we can use, I'm excited.

Use neuroscience for us to draw closer with each other. So now what I wanna do first though, is play a song. I'm excited about this one. . So we've, we've shared with you, um, some of our friends that we're doing mentorship with and they have shared what their song was that they danced to at their wedding and we're like, we've never shared the song that we danced to at our wedding.

It's not just what we danced to. It was our first kiss was this song. That's true. We were dancing together and this song was playing. Yeah. So this is, this is kind of our song. This is old school country cuz you guys know how we are about old school country and this is. Mark Wills singing. I do. Check this out.

You guys are gonna like it. Your

sensation s


for the rest of my life. You don't have to think twice.

Love you still from the, it's beyond my control of wind, soul.

If you, Andrew, I love you.

You guys know you like that? That's the perfect wedding song, isn't it? Mm-hmm. . It's all about, I like, that's just quality material right there. It it is. It's so good. Okay, so that's Mark Wills. I do Put it on your playlist. Listen to it on your way to work. Listen to it at home while you're doing dishes. Yep.

Enjoy it. . Okay, so let's, let's dive into this book Tor, um, because is he, he's answering one overarching, uh, question and when it comes to relationships. and he's taken all this brain science stuff mm-hmm. and his one overarching question is, am I reinforcing the behaviors I like or dislike in others? Right.

Exactly. So this, he's a, he's a, um, psychologist who studies the brain as an organ. The brain is actually an organ. Yeah. And most psychologists, they don't scan the brain. Like, if you have an issue with your lung, what are you gonna do? You're gonna get a scan of the lung. Yeah. And you're gonna find out exactly what's going.

and he, his whole thing is that he does the same with the brain, that you can actually see a lot in a brain scan. You can learn a lot just from observing the brain. And um, so he takes that approach and, um, when he, in this book, he's talking about the different brain types. So I love, the reason I picked it up is because you and I are all about, Awareness, right?

Yeah. We're self-awareness, others awareness, emo, that's what emotional intelligence is, and we're always, we're constantly trying to grow in our awareness of ourselves and each other. Mm-hmm. so that we can grow in our relationship. Yeah. And so this intrigued me because he's talking about how everybody has a different brain type and.

It can be really helpful to understand what, how your brain works versus how the people in your life's brain work and how you can empathize mm-hmm. with how different you are and how you can celebrate, you know, what's good, what, and, and, you know, kind of work towards, um, Towards relational harmony because you understand each other better.

Yeah. Right. And so, um, the, I was actually not really expecting for him to get into relationship advice, but a fourth of the book is about relationships. Yeah. It's so cool because he says, you know, um, one talks about, you know, the health of your body and how that contributes to your brain health. And then, um, and then he gets into relationships and he says, your relationships are really, really important for the health of your body and the health of your brain.

Yeah. And, um, and so then he breaks it down and we're gonna get into what, how he breaks that down. But I wanna read, um, something that he says. He says, positive connections make us feel loved, secure, and content, while troubled relationships drive anxiety, stress, and unhappiness. How critical are social connections to your overall sense of satisfaction and wellbeing?

While a wealth research points out to health, um, a wealth of research points to healthy relationships as the great predictor of happy of a happy life, brain imaging studies show that strengthening relationships can actually improve brain function. . Isn't that so funny? Because that's what God made us for.

He didn't make you to just be alone. He made you to be in community. Right. And that's why he calls community church. Mm-hmm. , where two or more are gathered in my name, there I am in their midst. This is God saying this. So marriage is the most organic form of church. So the question is, how are we gonna be a healthy church?

Yeah. So we can use neuroscience. And I love this because you know, in the Bible, God just gives us commandments and he tells us to do certain things and he gives us princip. , but he doesn't give us the background to it, right? Neuroscience has existed since God created mankind, right? We just didn't know it.

We hadn't un uncovered it, right? So all of these synapses that happen in our brain that can literally change us as people and make us healthier or unhealthy, all that existed in Adam and Eve. . But now we've got the technology. Now we've been a lot, you know, humans have been on the planet for thousands and thousands of years.

And so now we have the ability to see into the brain that we, things that we never saw before. Right. So just abiding by the principles of the scripture is so healthy for people. And I just love how science is finally catching up with the Bible. Right, exactly. So hearing like, hey, you wanna know what makes the most healthy and happy people in the world, those who have good relationships.

Yeah, exactly. Duh. And like you mentioned before, he, um, does marriage counseling. So as he's looking at the brain and he's looking at, okay, you, you have some issues here. How are your relationships? Like he, that it, uh, immediately leads him to talking about your relationships. Cuz he understands that when your relationships are strong, your brain is strong.

Yes. And your body is strong and it's, but when you're Yeah. And when your relationships are weak and you've got things to work on. You see it in brain scans, you see it Yeah. In your, the way that your body is responding. And I love that because it's circular, right? It's the healthier your relationships, the healthier you are individually.

Yeah. The healthier you are individually, the healthier your, your are your relationships. Yes. So it's circular. Mm-hmm. . So we start with individual. Yeah. So good. Cause that's where we always start. Cuz God made you before one. , there's tk, right? Before you can be one with your spouse, you have to be an individually healthy human being.

This is what, so when you say twoness, you mean two individually healthy people Yeah. Who come together and then you can become one and be a healthy relationship. Mm-hmm. . So our, our old strength trainer used to say, um, and you guys have probably heard me say this a lot, I even put it in the book, you're only as fast as your slowest leg, right?

So, , we realized after our strength trainer timed us with toe taps, right? Um, that one leg was typically, uh, slower than the other. And so then he had us doing single leg squats and focusing in on that one leg that was a little slower, and he sped it up and every single one of us increased our speed. So in a marriage relationship, the same thing is true, is that you're only as, your marriage is only as healthy as your least healthy partner.

Wow. And if you're not careful, then a, a very unhealthy relationship is typically tyranny by the most selfish partner. Mm-hmm. . So which one is thinking and acting most selfishly? Mm-hmm. , that's as fast as your relationship can go. Right. So there are times where we do slow down. , you know, uh, because obviously you can't run faster than the least healthy person.

Yes. So you slow down. Right. It's like, uh, you know, if that means you have to take less appointments or less social outings or whatever, you slow down for a little bit and you try to get healthy. Right. You know, and so it's all about the health and, uh, of us individually, and that's why we're focusing in on the brain.

Yep. So good. So he breaks it down into an acronym. relating. The word is relating. So if you want to reinforce the behaviors that you, um, like in other people mm-hmm. specifically in your relationship, these eight things mm-hmm. are the things that you gotta do. And it's all based on neuroscience. Right. And his, in his time with many, many couples.

Yeah. He said, these are the things that he has noticed have helped the most in strengthening relationships, which therefore, st. Your body. Yeah, your brain. And it develops happiness. He uses the word happiness. You and I would say joy because you know, there's, yeah. There, it's just semantics, but happiness seems to be, to me, it's more like happiness is on the outside, what's happening.

Yeah. Yeah. I've, I've always, I've always. Heard and understood that happiness is what's happening around you. So when I see that, I'm like, well, you can't control that happiness. You can control joy. You, you can control your joy. Mm-hmm. . And that comes from within. And when Tori was telling me about these eight things, you know, cuz I'm I'll, I'm a huge listical guy, you know, I don't, I don't like just.

Thinking in platitudes, like, oh God will help you. Mm-hmm. , oh, well, how is God gonna help me? Mm-hmm. , okay, we'll start with this. Move to this, then do this. Yeah. Like, I like those things. Now, not everything can be boiled down to that, but when Tori was telling me that this guy has looked at neuroscience and, and he's like a doctor.

Mm-hmm. , and he's figured out ways. Eight specific ways to help couples be healthier based on brain science. I'm like, oh, give them to me. Yeah. And so she said it's all, uh, in this acronym relating Aria, R e l a t i n G. Right. And it starts with, do you want me to give that or you Yeah, go ahead. Okay. The R is responsibility.

So that's what Tori and I are gonna park on today. Mm-hmm. . So over the next several weeks, we're gonna talk about all of the, all eight of these. So we'll get through, you know, responsibility. We're gonna get through. Uh, empathy. That's the e. So empathy is next. Um, then you've got listening. He's talking about specifically good communication skills.

I'm excited to, to talk about that cuz that's something that, you know, I think everybody nowadays, in today's connected culture, they're, they're think it's very difficult to listen when, when we're so incredibly distracted. Then we've got assertiveness. , this is a big one. It's, it's, it's literally being the type of person who can say what you mean and mean what you say.

Right? And you're, you're actually assertive. Then there's time. time. That's, that's the, uh, the, the, um, being, well, what's the love language? Uh, quality time. Quality time, right? Mm-hmm. brain fart there. So yeah. Quality time is a love language, but he's saying that whether quality time is your love language or not, you gotta have time.

Yeah. For relationship, you have to make time. Yes. Period. Mm-hmm. , a hundred percent. Then there's, in. inquiry is curiosity. Mm-hmm. . But it's also recognizing negative thinking. Right? It's not allowing negative thoughts to come in with, it's thinking about what you're thinking about. We've talked about this before, you know, with Joyce Myers in her book, battlefield The Mind.

This was, you know, groundbreaking news for me that you can actually think about what you're thinking about, like you actually have control over your thoughts. Yeah. So that's inquiry. Um, and then there's the N is. And he specifically says, noticing what you like more than what you don. It's so good. That is so powerful.

So good. I'm looking for what I love. Mm-hmm. more than what I loathe. Yeah. You know, because you'll find what you are looking for. That's exactly right. And I forget what the, what the term is called, um, projection or something. It's like if you're looking for something in someone or any situation, you will, you will find it.

Mm-hmm. period. Right. You know, so then there the, the G is grace. It's grace and forgiveness. So if we've got responsibility, empathy, listening, assertiveness, time inquiry, noticing what you like more than what you don't, and grace and forgiveness. He's saying according to the brain science, these are the eight things that you need to actually be more connected with your spouse.

Yep. That brings connection. Mm-hmm. . So what Tori and I wanna do, is we wanna focus in on the very first one. Responsibility. Yep. Okay. This is your ability to respond. Mm-hmm. , which is so incredibly important, told you earlier that you know if, if you want to be one with your spouse, you have to be two. Mm-hmm.

two individually healthy people. Now there are three things that you're responsible for. Okay. You're responsible for your peace, your joy, and your power. Mm. . That's so good. You are not responsible for your spouse's peace, joy, and power. Mm-hmm. , your spouse is responsible for their own peace, joy, and power.

However, however, as their married spouse, you can disrupt their peace. Yes. You can disrupt their joy and you can disrupt their power. Mm-hmm. by the things that you do and the things that you say. Yes, absolutely. So, so it all starts in our thinking. Hm. Was there anything else in that book you wanted to say before I, I dive into some of this stuff on, well, one thing, I, I, he, an example that he uses and I thought it was really good and I've heard it before, but I was like, this is so true that we, we have the power over our mood.

Yeah. And he said to prove this, if you are , I can't tell you how many times this happened to me. You're upset with your kids. You're mad at them, right? And then, and your tone is awful, and you're just angry and you're responding poorly. Mm-hmm. . And then somebody calls on the phone and you answer and you're like, oh, hey, how are you?

Yes. And you con you, your mood completely changes, your tone changes, your attitude changes. Why? because you have the power to do it. Yes. Like you can do it, uh, the doorbell rings and you're in the middle of a knockdown, drag out. Mm-hmm. . But you can go to the door and act like nothing is wrong and talk in a, in a civil way.

Mm-hmm. to your neighbor in a kind way. Why, why is that possible? Because you have the power control it over your own mood and your responses. And it is crazy cuz you know, Tori and I would be the last people that would ever say, Hey, just fake it with your spouse. Pretend like you're in a really good mood when you're not real.

Right? No, no, no. We want you to be real with your spouse. Right. But we are saying that you have to understand that when your spouse comes through the door and you've been having a tough day or whatever, then the, the way that you. , reach out to them. The way that you talk to them, the way that you treat them in that moment can set the, the tone for the rest of the evening.

Exactly. So what we're saying is, you know, what was the quote tour that you heard somebody say, like, you know, treat, treat your kids, uh, when they come home from school, like, you treat your dog right, or your dog treats you, or whatever. Right. They're just so excited to see you. Yeah. And yeah, well apply that to your spouse.

Yeah, it's the same thing. So you have control. So you just, just remember. Peace, joy, power. I have control of my peace of my joy and of my power. Mm-hmm. , and then think I as a spouse, I can disrupt the peace, the joy, or the power of my spouse. Yeah. If you just get that Exactly. This way will help you take responsibility.

Yeah. And you know, like as you said, it's not about faking it. Yeah. It's about knowing what's possible. It's about understanding. Okay. If I can go to the. And talk in a, a civilized voice. Yes. Then I can do that here. Yes. Like it's just a, knowing that it's possible. I think sometimes when, when emotions are so elevated and I know that I felt like this as a mom, like I just felt almost as if it was hopeless and impossible.

It is not. Yeah, just think about, just think about your ability to respond in other situations. You can do it and you can do it here. Yes. And it always, always, always starts in the mind. Yes. Yes. That's why Romans 12 tells us, don't be conformed to the pattern of the world. So don't be conformed to how every other relationship works.

Right. Or what Hollywood tells you relationship should be like. Don't be conformed to that. Be transformed. . Does it say anything about softening your heart? No. Does it say anything about praying more? No. Reading the Bible more? No. It says renew your mind. Mm. Now to renew your mind. It's taking thoughts captive.

You do need to pray. You do need to read your Bible. You do need to have a soft heart, right? But it's the warfare for your soul takes place on the battleground of your mind. So peace, joy, power. Now remember when Jesus was in the. with the disciples. These professional fishermen, the waves are crashing in on the boat and they thought they were gonna die.

Mm-hmm. and so they wake Jesus up, freaked out. Real faith does not freak out when the waves pick up. Jesus gets up and he rebukes the wind in the waves, and now all of a sudden there's peace. Then what does he do? He turns around, he, he rebukes the disciples and he says, you jack legs essentially. Why'd you lose your faith?

It's like you can't control what's happening on the outside, but you can control what happens on the inside. Hmm. You know what happens on the inside? We all of a sudden look at what's happening on the outside. We're not focusing on God. And his power. Therefore, we project powerlessness into the future.

Right. Okay. The disciples woke him up and said, we are all going to die. Mm-hmm. , what does that mean? That means that they saw into the future, right? They projected powerlessness into that future, and therefore they made a present decision based on that powerlessness they projected in the future. Right? But then we know in Philippians four says, don't be anxious.

Mm-hmm. , you know what anxiety is? Anxiety is about a future threat. Fear is about a present or a past threat. Anxiety is about a future threat. Mm-hmm. and Philippians four says, don't be anxious, which means don't project into the future powerlessness. He says, don't be anxious for anything, but in everything by prayer and petition with Thanksgiving.

So you wrap it in that gratitude, make your request to God and the peace of God. Yeah. What's it gonna guard? It's gonna guard your heart and your mind. So you're projecting power into the. First Thessalonians four tells us, make it your ambition to lead a quiet life. Hmm. This isn't just be the type of person that never says anything.

It's talking about don't be a disruptful person and don't be a person who's easily disrupted. Yeah. Just, just calm the heck down. Yeah. Stop the drama. And how do you do that? You control your thinking. You take thoughts. . That's so good. So that's peace with, with the power. Yeah. That's so good that we've got, yeah.

I, you know, you and I have talked about this before. Um, you know, when you kind of were going through last year, you some anxiety issues Yeah. That you had never experienced before. , one of the things that we had to do was really quiet our lives. Mm-hmm. down. Mm-hmm. and to kind of, um, soften the intensity of our lives.

Like life doesn't always have to be so intense. That's true. And I think sometimes, um, as couples, we have someone who has a more intense personality. and then, and then there's the person that's like constantly trying to bring peace because there's just such, such an intensity. But if we can recognize that we can live a quiet life, that there doesn't have to be such intensity all the time that we can, we can rest and we can trust.

Um, it's just so important. I love that verse to live a quiet life and I feel like the Lord has really used that verse in our life to kind of quiet some ambition. Yep. To just calm it down. Yes. To just calm it down. You know, it's funny you say that tour cuz it reminds me when I, I did go through some anxiety stuff last spring.

and I got through it, um, by God's grace and, and I learned some things and I wrote some stuff down, but you know, the first thing that hit my mind right when I got through that was I need to write a book about this to help other people. And, and I was praying about it and I really felt like the Lord told me, just experience the peace Yes.

That you have right now. Don't try to write the book on it, right? Because too many people do that. They don't hurry. Write the book on it or go speak about it or go tell other people about it rather than just living the book. Yes. Like why don't you just live the book a little bit? Yeah, exactly. And then you can write it later if you want to.

Yeah. Right. And it was just calming down. So just, just remember, peace, joy, and power. Let, let me talk about joy for a second. Um. Do you know if you've lost your joy? Do you know how you get it back? You've gotta rejoice. Mm-hmm. And all through the scripture, what do you hear? Rejoice. Rejoice, right? Rejoice.

Yeah. And, and I, I think about this story in scripture in First Samuel, and it talks about how, um, the, I think it's in First Samuel. Yeah. It's in First Samuel, how this woman named Hannah. She was Barron. She wasn't able to have any kids, and she was at the temple and she was just bawling her eyes out. And the, the, the priest, Eli saw her and was like, Hey, what?

You're, you can't come here drunk. Mm. Because she, she was like sobbing and she was, she was muttering words and he thought she was drunk. She's like, no, I'm not drunk. I'm just pouring my heart out to the Lord because I haven't had any kids. And so, um, Eli says, this time next year, you're gonna have a kid.

And she makes a promise to God that if you give me a a baby, if you give me a boy, I'll give him back to you. Hmm. So, sure enough, she has Samuel. The, the ultimate priest who ended up anointing Saul, and then you know, David, the first Kings of Israel. But when he was born, she weaned him and then she took him and she actually gave him to Eli so that Eli would raise him as a priest.

And after she gave him, I think he was four years old at this point, after she gave him, it says that Hannah went away rejoicing. Hmm. Do you know how you rejoice? , you re-up your joy. You do it by giving away the thing that you have. Wow. God has has created you in such a way that if you're not about your thing and you're about your spouse's thing, there's a joy that comes over you that can't come over you in any other way.

Mm-hmm. , and this is why, lemme just say this, I'm gonna get up just a, not real specific, but a little specific. Do you want to know the secret to Great. Incredible. Don't be about you, be about your spouse. Mm. If you're all about paying attention to your spouse and figuring out what it is that they like, and you're like constantly like wanting to put them into that position that you know that they would like and feel comfortable with, and.

That they would really enjoy. Guess what happens? It's pleasurable to you. Mm-hmm. . So sex takes on a whole new level when you're about your spouse. Yeah. Well, why is that? Because God created you that way. Hmm. He created you to rejoice. And we rejoice by being about God's thing and our spouse's thing over our thing.

It's really good. So that's peace, it's joy. And then lastly, it's power. Think about a power. . I mean, you know, a power drill has that little, uh, drill bit mm-hmm. to it. And so if it were a, if it were a power drill for like a screwdriver, you know, it's got a screwdriver head, I can take that drill, you know, if it's a, if it's a corded power drill and I can leave the plug out, you know, and not plug it in, and I can take that drill bit and I could put it into the, you know, Phillip's head screw and I can just turn that drill and I could get a little.

Done. Yeah. But if I just plug it in and then push a button is, I mean, yeah. You know, it's just that much easy, that much easier. The same is true in our relationship is that God's like, I'm, I've given you power. Yeah. It starts by not projecting, powerlessness into the future, not allowing the anxiety of the moment.

Right. To take place in your heart. Plug into me. Yeah. Through prayer, through Bob Reading, through making sure that you're keeping your focus. But ultimately it's by keeping hope alive. Yeah. That's so good. So many relationships seem like they've given up on hope. Yeah. Hope is so incredibly important. I remember years ago, um, the Lord showed me just how incredibly imp important hope is to all my relationships.

Yeah. And, um, I've shared this before, but I, I basically had a dream, like a super hopeless dream. And I had actually prayed the night before that the Lord would, would speak to me in, in the night. Yeah. Um, and he does, I, I, I asked that often. He doesn't always, but that night I was really paying attention to my dreams cuz I had specifically asked him, cuz I was struggling with some stuff and he gave me this dream.

It was super, super hopeless. And then I woke up and I. And I, you know, didn't catch up with me for several minutes that this was just a dream as dreams often do. Yeah. And then, uh, finally I was awakened to the reality that this was just a dream and suddenly hoped filled my heart. Mm. Because it wasn't a hopeless situation.

That was just a dream. and hope and reentered the picture. You should tell 'em what the dream was. Well, , I won't get into it today. I think I've actually shared it before, but she, she thought I was married to another woman. Yeah. It was just let's, yeah. You were married to somebody else. You had other kids.

It was just this. That's crazy. Yeah. And um, so then I remember that day, I remember the Lord. I was like, okay, what are you saying? And he, and he wanted me to pay attention to like what the components of this dream were. And it was that there was hopelessness and then there was hope. Yes. And that day there was a series of just really hopeless little things that that felt hopeless.

They weren't hopeless, but it was all tied to people being upset with me. Mm. Um, there was, you know, my kids needed something. You were out of town. Each kid needed something. And because I had was, you know, there I was so stretched that day, I wasn't able to, um, to give each of them what they needed. And I was trying really hard, but I was falling short and it felt hopeless.

Yeah, that felt hopeless, that I couldn't. , um, respond the way I wanted to. I was trying and then I, you know, I had a family member reach out and I was like, oh my goodness, I actually have, you know, a game to be at tonight. I can't help you with that. Yeah. And then another friend was expecting me to help them with something at the game.

Yeah. And then I had to leave cuz you were, you know, out of town. I had to leave to bring another kid to another. Anyways, it was just a series of, I literally couldn't do what everyone wanted me to do. Mm-hmm. . And that felt hopeless to me because it felt like there was gonna be a lot of people upset with me.

And I remember the Lord reminded me of the dream and he said, you are you, you. I was exhausted that night. Mm-hmm. . I was completely exhausted. Emotional exhaustion is the worst. Exhaustion. Yeah. And I remember the Lord saying, you are operating out of hopelessness. Mm-hmm. , you think that there's not hope.

There is hope just because you ca you cannot control everybody's happiness and everybody's, um, you know, like you can't help everybody. Yeah. That does not make for a hopeless situ. Your, their hope is in me. Your hope is in me. And you need to start re Yeah. Recognizing that you're not, you're, you're losing so much energy by operating out of hopelessness.

And do you know how you stay hopeful? You project power Exactly. Into the future. Exactly. It's projecting that power. But wait, it's amazing how like, when you're not thinking about what you're thinking about, you just, you just go. powerlessness. Yeah. With powerless uhhuh ness. And that's how I was responding that whole day.

It was like, like I was almost paralyzed and didn't really know, cuz I didn't know what to do cuz I felt hopeless. But when hope began to reenter the picture, and I was like, no, I'm not without hope. I started to feel energy and I started to feel like, okay. Like strategies on how I can move forward instead of paralyzed by this powerlessness that I was under.

And the best thing that you can do in your marriage is to speak hope over your, your spouse is to first see in your own mind that there is hope for you right where you are. You might be thinking, oh man, , you know, our marriage isn't exactly where I want it to be, or my spouse is thinking or saying or doing something that, you know, I can tell this is not going the direction that we want.

Or maybe you've had some big disagreement or whatever. The best thing that you can do first is to project power into the future. Right. By having hope in your own mind. Yeah. And heart that God, you can do this. Mm-hmm. , you can fix this situation. Right. I know that you can. Okay. Start there. Secondly, Then speak life and speak hope over your spouse.

Exactly. Like, like to when I was going through my little, uh, anxiety bout last spring, Tori came and just sat next to me and she said, I've been praying about this and I really feel like the Lord just spoke to me that, that this is going to pass soon. And you know what? I needed that in that moment. Mm-hmm.

And she spoke that hope and that life over me. And so, so let, let me just wrap this up because we're talking. The neuroscience of connection and those eight points, responsibility, empathy, listening, assertiveness, time inquiry, noticing what you like more than what you don't, and grace and forgiveness.

Today we focused in on responsibility and that's all about taking responsibility for your peace, your joy, and your power, and when you do that individual, You will be taking responsibility for your relationship. Yeah. Because you also know that you can disrupt your spouse's peace. Yes. Disrupt their joy or disrupt their power, and you're willingly in your own mind, choosing not to do that.

Mm-hmm. , when you do that, it's gonna help you a ton. So good. Okay, before we, before we go quick recipe's. Favorite thing? Oh yeah, let's do that. That I've eaten. So something that I made, I've been making pretty much every week, probably three times a week. Um, so you, you all know that I'm on this sourdough kick, right?

Oh. And so we're, she's on a kick constantly, like making up new sourdough fun, um, snacks. Um, and so for the last couple weeks I've been doing a slice of sourd. and then a drizzle. It's so, so easy and it's just so good. It's so satiating, and you take some olive. Drizzle. I mean, you can't, you can make it so much faster than anything.

I can make this in like under two minutes. Drizzle a little, um, olive oil, and then you take a hard boiled egg. So at the beginning of the week, just hard. Boil some eggs, throw 'em in your fridge, and then take a cheese grater and grate the ch the egg over. The, um, the toast, and then I take sprouts, which are so good for you.

Oh yeah. And they taste so good on an egg sandwich. It's crazy. They are so tasty. So I, I, this week I did like clover. Sometimes I do broccoli sprouts, but, um, I really like the clover sprouts. I don't know if they're quite as healthy as a broccoli once. I didn't know that was a thing. Delicious. Okay, so you put a ton of that over it.

Drizzle with, with, um, olive oil, salt and peppered that. It is so, so good. Oh, that is good. So anyways, super simple. You're putting it on social. Yeah, I, I took a little video and so I, so you can see how I do it. It's just so easy. And I thought you guys, um, if you're in the sourdough making, um, yeah. Uh, season like I am, then this is another way of doing it.

My kids this week discovered one that they love, they. Um, Trey made it up. He was home from spring break and he's like, this is amazing. He takes sour, A slice of sourdough, A little bit of butter. Yeah, a little bit of peanut butter and a drizzle of honey. And he said it's the best thing he's ever tasted. So, wow.

Wow. Lots of dif, lots of options. Had mixed butter and peanut butter. That's a lot of butter. We, we had, uh, you were, when you were outta town this week? We, um, just had like a, I had made like four loafs of sourdough, so for dinner, literally we just like were creating. Sourdough Toast Creations. Oh, I like it for dinner.

I like it. Okay, listen. Um, if you haven't taken our five day challenge, our free five day marriage challenge for for deeper connection, go do it. Go to beauty and or jason and Um, you need to do it cause we got a lot of couples that have signed up for that and. And we're getting some good.

Let ask you, I got, I got, I meant to ask you this. I got a question on socials this week asking what they needed to take that challenge. You don't need anything. You don't need anything. Do you have to print something or you just have Yeah, yeah. You, you, I do have a, uh, PDF document there that you just print on your own or you can print it or you can just take out a piece of paper.

But, but we do have you do some writing. Mm-hmm. , it's very important. The writing is, is important. So that's all. Okay. So you can actually print it from the website and it's, it's eight to 12 minutes a day. Mm-hmm. is, is all it is. You can five and you, you don't have to print, you don't have to print the pdf.

You can just use a piece of paper. Yeah, a scrap paper and just jot it down. That's it. All right. Sounds good. All right. We'll see you guys next week, Lisa. All right. I'm, I'm excited. We're gonna be walking through these eight points over the next however many weeks, so this is fun. This is fun. We'll see you guys next time.