Keys to Great Sex

Who doesn't want a great sex life in marriage? Research shows the healthiest marriages are those who report having healthy, fulfilling, and frequent sexual engagement. 

In this episode, we dive into an online study of 70,000 people in 24 countries that revealed 13 keys to great sex. The researchers were curious about what might be different about couples who said that they had a great sex life, compared to couples who said that they had a bad sex life. 

Here's their findings - Couples who have a great sex life everywhere on the planet are doing the same set of things. Couples who do not have a great sex life everywhere on the planet are not doing these things.

So let's figure out what those things are! 

Transcript

So we're talking about keys to great sex , and I love that title cuz it probably gets just about everybody to listen to it. So this is Tory and I, we're not gonna be talking about our opinions. We're gonna be talking about research based stuff that we've discovered and we're specifically gonna dive into a study that showed 13 things that all couples who have an amazing sex life do.

I love it. . Doesn't that sound fun? I love anything research based. I think it's really cool. When something's been studied for a long period of time and it's tried and true, so this is gonna be fun. So all we're gonna do is relay the information to you, right sound. But before we do, my beautiful bride has a song.

What's the song? Okay, so this one is Love is a Compass by Griff, g r i f f, Griff. Um, that's like all these, the piano version. These young kids have these interesting names. I know. And I, we came across this. , um, last year when Allie was graduating from high school and I was making her video for her graduation party with just a bunch of pictures from the time she was born until, you know, oh yeah.

Until now. And so I think I picked like three songs and this is one of them. And I just love it. It's called Love. It's a compass. And I just think it's, it's so true. Like we've talked about it so many times. Um, our emotions come from two places, either love or fear. Yeah. And when we, when it comes from a place of love, that is the best.

Yeah. It's le way that we can be led. It's legit like a compass. Exactly. It'll point you the right way. It'll point you the right way. When you're led by love, you're, you're being led the right way. And so I love this. Love is a compass. Here we go. Gotta click play. Sorry, . Gotta have the phone ring.

And just like.

There you go. Oh, that's so good. Good. Fine. Tour Love is a Compass piano version, man. And you can tell that, that the person singing is like, Very young cuz they do a little bit of that whisper singing stuff that sometimes I make fun of . It's like, instead of saying love is a compass, she's like,

I don't know what to do. . That's terrible. Yeah. But it's, it's a beautiful song. It's a whisper singer. I think I remember in music class I'm talking about like, you, you do not, you're not supposed to articulate every word really. Like you're sup. Yeah. Like you have to let it. . Yeah. And they're letting it flow.

Oh yeah, yeah, for sure. Okay, well, let's get down to the business of talking about sex keys to great sex. Um, and so obviously you guys have heard me and Tori, um, mention Dr. John Gottman. It's Gottman, g o t t m a M. Him and his wife are two, they're, they're the research, uh, the leading researchers for, um, marriage and sex and all things relationship.

They've been studying literally thousands of couples over a period of almost 50 years. Right. And we get a lot of information from them. Mm-hmm. , and you can get a lot of information from them as well. They've got a great book, the Seven Principles that Make Marriage Work. Yeah. Reddit studied it and it's, it is really good.

It's, it's technical. Yeah. So you have to kind of chop through some of the research. But, uh, Dr. Gottman was talking about a research study that he read and then he added in some of his own thoughts to this to come up with 13 keys. What that people who have great sex life, they all utilize these 13 keys.

And so, um, he was talking about this book called The Normal Bar. I don't know what that is. Okay. So I'm not advocating that. But he said that, that it had authors and researchers, um, three authors and researchers, Christina North Christiana, Northrop Pepper swot, and James Whit. They conducted this online study with over 70,000 people in 24.

Oh wow. So they wanted to find out what differentiates couples who say they have great sex from those who say that they don't. Interesting. So to summarize, all Dr. Gottman says, the couples who have a great sex life everywhere on the planet are doing the same sets of things. Wow. And those who are not doing those things are reporting as not having a good sex life.

And then he took that study mm-hmm. along with his own opinions, and he came up with these 13 keys. Okay. So you ready? Ready for key. It's really simple, but it's a good one. People who have great sex, they say, I love you every day, and they mean it. Oh, yep. I like that. Have you said that to me today? I think you have.

I love you. I love you too. . Done. Check. Done. But they say, I love you every single day. Every single day. And they mean it. I've, you know, we've all heard the, the quote. Um, you know, it, uh, my wife knows I love her, and if it, if that changes, I'll let her know. Well, that's stupid. Mm-hmm. , no say. , we need to hear it.

So they say it every day and they actually mean it. Yep. And I would actually go one step further. If, if you say it, then show it. Mm. And how do you show that? Well, you'll see that as we read down in the list. Here are ways that they show that they love each other. Um, number two, they kiss each other passionately for no reason.

Passionately. Yeah, passionately. So I'm not quite sure about that one. Like did we have to have like a straight make out session that's not going? Wait, are you sure? It said passionately. I thought it was just when I read, look, I'm talking. I've copied and pasted this sucker right into my notes. See, I didn't, when I read over those, I don't, that passionate word didn't stand out to me.

I was like, okay, we just need to like, Yeah, be affectionate and and kiss, so, so our version of this is they kiss one another for no reason. Mm-hmm. , it can be a goodbye kiss or whatever, but you know, obviously it's not always a make out session. I don't believe that you always have to have a make out session, but I do think touching lips with your spouse is important.

Mm-hmm. . very important. And so they, they do this, but they don't have to have a reason to do it. So it's not like, okay, we're gonna kiss just because we're leading up to sex. Yeah. It's like, no, I just wanna kiss you cuz you smell good. I love you. You, yeah. I just wanna be affected, man. You're pretty. Yeah.

Like you're sweet, you're kind. Mm-hmm. , thanks for making dinner. I'll see you later, kind of thing. Right. You know, so they kiss for no reason. Um, number three, they give surprise, romantic gift. . That's interesting. Mm-hmm. , because I'm not, you know, we all know it shows thoughtfulness. Yeah. Thoughtfulness. It says, I'm thinking of you.

I cherish you. But you know, we, we've also got the love language thing. Mm-hmm. , where you've got quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch. Um, what, what are the rest of 'em? Quality time, physical touch words, access service, access service, and then gifts, right? I am Gifts is number five for me. Same for me.

It's number five for Tori. Like we're, we're definitely not gift oriented, but maybe you can spin that around to be, uh, a little letter. Yeah, that you're right. You know, maybe that's a little gift or something like that. Yeah. I think you have to define what you know, what a gift is to you. I think you write me a lot of letters or little notes.

Yes. And I would consider that a gift. And then I make a lot of meals for you. Yes. Surprise you with like little treats all the time. Yes. So it's not like a. a gift from the store, but it is, yeah. You know, it says, I'm thinking about you. Yeah. I wanna take care of you. I like that spin because if Tori goes grocery shopping or whatever, and I'm sitting there doing work, and if I'm done, say 10 or 15 minutes before I know she's gonna be back and I go unload the dishwasher or load it, that to her is a gift.

Yes. You know, so something spontaneous that shows thoughtfulness. Yep. I like that. That's, there we go. Yeah. Number three. Okay, so number four. . I like this one. They know what turns their partners on and what turns 'em off. Mm. In terms of physically? Yep. In terms of sexually. Um, I read this study, it said all people.

All people, especially when you come into the confines of marriage, they have a sexual break and a sexual accelerator. Yeah. So if you're in a car, you've got a break and an accelerator. So you know what turns 'em off. You know what can turn 'em on. Yeah. That's really good. One thing that I will say, and it's not, you know, I know you probably think I'm going in a direction, I'm not going right now , but one thing that I just have to preface that before I start talking.

Yeah. But one thing that you do that I think is really, really sweet, is you always have mints next to your bed. , that's so funny because you always want your breath to smell good and it's, and I really, really appreciate that. I think that would be one of those things. It's like, oh yeah, . Yeah, that is true.

And, and, and word to the wise, if you do decide to go with Invisalign, make sure you're putting some mouthwash. Oh my goodness. We both have Invisalign in the Invisalign tray. . Yeah. That, I think that was probably what. Us with always having mints nearby. Yeah. Because those teeth can really get nasty . That is so funny.

But it's figuring out what, what, what, um, are the things that you can do that is, is literally like pushing the brakes to your sexual activity with your spouse and what is the thing that can push the accelerator. Yeah. And obviously, , you know, the things that are pushing the accelerator are these 13 things that we're mentioning today.

Mm-hmm. and, and one of those things which we haven't mentioned, and I, and it's not even on this list, but it's just being nice. Yeah. It's legitimately treating your spouse when they come home or when you get home like you would treat your dog. Yeah. Like your dog. I mean, everybody's happy to see their dog.

He's like, Hey buddy, how you doing? And they got this little special language. Yeah. Oh, who's a good boy? . You know what I'm saying? Mm-hmm. . But like being that excited to see your spouse. Yeah. Like that's like being sweet and kind. I heard a child psychologist one time say that the greatest tip that she could give a parent is to treat your child the way that you would treat your dog when you first see them.

Like, that's good. Like you're so excited to see them. That really convicted me because that is convicting like, just to be that excited and that into them. Yeah. His dogs are so responsive. Right? So it's like you are, we have this like human nature to want response and we don't get it from our kids. We don't get it from our spouse every time.

But you're gonna get it from your dog. Yes. But if you can do that, even though you may not get the response that you're looking for, it's a, it, it's a very rewarding thing. Yeah. And, and so to be able to be open and talk about these things, Hey, these are the things that you can do, honey, that I absolutely do not like, and it's, it's honestly not going to help us lead into better sex.

Mm-hmm. , or even sex at all. If you do these things, and it's not just. Being nice. It's not just putting breath mints in and all that kind of stuff. It could be, I don't know, wa you, you walk in and your husband's watching something and he's not looking away from the TV on a, on a scene he should be looking away from, and that might be something that you're like, I cannot stand that.

Like I, that just makes me feel cheap, you know? Mm-hmm. kind of thing. So, . And I think it's getting to a place in your relationship where you can talk openly about this without being defensive. Yeah. And realizing that this is something that's gonna grow you closer. This is something that's gonna be really good for your relationship.

But I think initially when you talk about things that you don't want each other to do, you can, I know at the beginning of our marriage it was we, we kind of would get. , our feelings hurt. Yeah. Like, well, I'm not trying to do that, or I'm not, you know? Yeah. Right. I'm not thinking anything or you know, we just, we're really defensive, but as we've grown in our relationship and we've gotten to a place where we're like, oh, you are saying this because you want better for me in you?

Yeah. Like, you're for me. Mm-hmm. , you're for us. And that's why you're saying that. And that's where this is coming. . Okay. I appreciate that. And I can receive that because it's gonna lead us to a better place relationally. Yeah, that's good. It's just being really self-aware that in of those defenses Yeah.

That can naturally come up. So that's number four. They know what turns there's partner on and what turns 'em off up. Number five, they're physically affectionate, even in public. How about that? A little pda? Mm-hmm. , not gross pda. No. Not the kind where, you know, definitely somebody should tell you to get a room.

Yeah. But you know, a little pda. Little handhold. Mm-hmm. little hug every now and then as you're telling the whole world. This is my, this is my man, this is my girl. And you know, when you see, uh, especially teenagers who just start dating or whatever, and they come in and their fingers are locked, interlocked together or whatever, you could tell they just started dating, but.

I have seen some couples who've been married 30, 40 years, walk in and their fingers are interlocked like that, and it's like, ah, that's a good relationship. I can just like these, these guys look like they really like each other. Right. You know, my, uh, good friend of ours who's actually a mentor of mine business, partner of mine as well, Tom Barry.

Mm-hmm. , him and his wife, Carolyn Barry, they've been married. Oh shoot. , I don't know how long. Over 40 years maybe? Well, I would say yeah, probably close to, yeah, I would say well over, well cuz I think they have kids in their 40, so Yeah, they do. So they may be close to 50, I don't know. But they love each other.

Mm-hmm. and they have such and, and just like we would come into church and I would see them in a corner talking. to each other. Mm-hmm. like, not Tom talking to his buddies and her talking to her buddies, but they'd be talking to each other and laughing. Mm-hmm. , you know, it's like, okay, now that's cool. Yeah.

You know, so sweet. They're not just up going off in all the other directions, but I do think that that physical affection. , it's a good thing. Mm-hmm. , you know, and it does signal to your spouse, you know, as Dr. Gottman always talks about the bids. Mm-hmm. , it signals to your spouse, I'm making a bid for affection.

And then you respond to that bid. And his research says that, that when you're making a bid to your spouse and your spouse is responding positively to that mm-hmm. , those couples make it Wow. They can make it through. So that's number five. Do you wanna know what number six is or should we just stop here?

No, keep going. Keep going. Okay. All right. Number six. Um, they play and have fun together. Oh my goodness. Yes. Isn't that so true? Mm-hmm. . Yep. So good. We always say couples who fight together, you know, draw together if you fighting the right way. Mm-hmm. the spiritual battle rather than a personal war. But if couples laugh, They stay together, it draws 'em together.

I mean, it's such good medicine. Yeah. We were just in Nashville with, with each other and our kids and there to see Trey, and so Allie brought in a bunch of her friends from Liberty. Trey had a bunch of his friends, then their cousins came. Bailey and Ty and their girlfriends and just all sorts of folks.

and we played mafia and all we did was laugh. Yeah. The whole night. Mm-hmm. . We just laughed and laughed and laughed and you know, by the time that everybody went to bed and some of others took off, you feel close, you feel connected. Yeah. Yeah. It was really sweet cuz we, you know, Trey was there with his girlfriend.

We brought Trey's girlfriend Bailey with us. and then, um, the cousins had their girlfriends. Yep. So there, you know, all three of our boys, you know, our boy, one of our boys, and then two of David's boys, they're with their girlfriends and seeing them. They're da they're all, you know Yeah. In pretty serious dating relationships and just kind of, it's just fun to be around that.

Yeah. Because it really, it makes you really aware of the, the elements of love. Yes. Right. Like, one of the things that really stood out to me, we were at the Lipscomb game or the Lipscomb, um, And we, you know, brought Bailey Trey's girlfriend. It's kind of confusing cuz we got Bailey Benham who's, who's the cousin.

Who's cousin. And then we've got Bailey Stinson who's the girlfriend. Yeah. Who might end up be Bailey Benham. And then what's really gonna be confusing. Yeah, exactly. But you know, we go to the Lipscomb gym and immediately Trey wants Bailey, his girlfriend on the court, and they're playing, you know, hos and they're playing, they're just playing together.

They're just having fun and playing together. And then we go to the house and they wanna play card games. Then they wanna play, you know, a mafia. They wanna play all these different, they just wanna play. . Yeah. They just, and then, you know, I, we had Lily stay with us who's Bailey? Ben's girlfriend. And she's like, I'm like, are you coming with us?

Oh no, I'm actually gonna go do Frisbee golf with Bailey this morning. Yeah. They just play, like, that's what they do in their early stages of relationship and it's so healthy and it grows them so close. And it's something we gotta be really more intentional. Yeah. Cause then you get, you're 20 years in, cause then you get busy and you forget to play.

Mm-hmm. . So it's, it's healthy couples who have a good sex. Listen, this is all about keys to great sex. These 13 things are, are people who say that they have great sex in their relationship. They're doing these things, so they play together. Okay? And number seven, you know what they do to her? Tell me they cuddle.

Oh, do you know, in this study it said only 6% of non cuddlers reported as having a good sex life. Really? So people are like, no, I don't, we don't do that. We're not cuddlers. I don't, you know, it's, it's body heat. I get too hot. Mm-hmm. no cuddle for 15 seconds, then. Yeah. But like, not, don't turn the, turn the air on.

Make it cold. , I'm telling you, cuddling is, is Jason loves to keep our house freezing cold. I do it, it keeps Tory close to me. , she comes up, she's like, I need body heat. I'm like, bring it on. Bring it in. I'm ready. Let's watch a little show together and cuddle.

So that's crazy. Just 6% of non cuddlers report having a good sex. Wow. Good sex life. And so stay outta that 94% . Yeah. It's not gonna end up good. So cuddle, I think it was a couple pod podcasts ago. I was talking about Dr. Hyman, who was talking about, um, the, the chemicals, the good chemicals that are released in your body when you cuddle.

Mm. And how healthy it is. And like, you know, neuroscience. can is very clear that when you are cuddling, you're releasing these good, healthy hormones that are really healthy and good for you. Yeah. And so that's, that's really interesting. It, it's also interesting how, um, a dog mm-hmm. is made to cuddle. Yes.

They want to be closer therapy dogs. They want you to touch them. Mm-hmm. , you know, and so many people who have struggled with loneliness and depression, one of the things that, that doctors tell them to do is get an animal. Yeah. Get, get a dog. Yeah. I remember when we were getting rocky. Yeah. Where, where do we get Rocky?

From? Minnesota or somewhere across Wisconsin. Wisconsin. And, um, there was three other dogs in the, the car who brought the guy, the, whatever the guy's name is that, that delivers dogs across the country. the saint who did that . And I asked him, I said, well, well, how did, did you stop and let him go to the bathroom?

He's like, no, I just let em go to the bathroom in the cage. I was like, Yeah. I remember him saying, wow, your dog's got a strong will. He, he barked for eight straight hours. I'm like, you are an absolute saint. Did you stop and let him take a leak ? No, just let him pee on himself. Oh, that's great. Yeah. But anyways, I remember him saying that he had, the three other dogs that he had weren't therapy dogs.

And that's for that purpose for people who are going through depression, they need, they need that physical touch. So, uh, that was number seven. They cuddle number. They make sex a priority, not a last item on a to-do. Yeah. And this is so important. You have got to make sex a priority in your relationship.

And that's where, if you go back and listening to our, um, we had two podcasts about this part one in part two, let's talk about sex. Tori and I talked about establishing a healthy marriage, or excuse me, a healthy sex rhythm. where you figure out, is it once a week? Is it twice a week, every other day? What is it gonna be for you?

Mm-hmm. . And then you guys need to fully understand that and then make it a priority. Make it as like, oh man, we gotta, we gotta do that tonight. You know? And, and maybe that's the way it feels for the wife because she's so, you know, tired or whatever. Maybe that's the way it feels for the husband because he is low testosterone, because he's pouring it all out at, you know, in the pursuit of his career or whatever.

But you've gotta recognize the most healthy thing that you can do in your relationship, apart from just fostering a whole attitude of gratitude towards your spouse, is making sure that you engage in sexual activity together. Mm-hmm. , born out of a heart of love. Yeah. Because that's how God made you.

Mm-hmm. , that's the Genesis two mandate for this reason. Because they were separated. Mm-hmm. masculine for feminine. For this reason, a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife. And the two must become one flesh. Mm. The two shall become one flesh. Like you're supposed to come back together as one flesh that is sex.

Yeah. That's, God created it. We're supposed to make it a priority. Yeah. I remember listening to a podcast a few years ago and it was a, a dating re they were doing, um, Like online counseling. And there was a couple, a young couple, and they were talking about how they were just really struggling their sex life and that, uh, they were asking, okay, well what's your, what's your rhythm?

And it was like, one of them said, I, well, I'd like to do it every once a month. Oh yeah. And then the other one said, well, I'd, I'd like to do it more like once every three months. And I was like, whoa, this is crazy. This is a young couple. And I was really curious what the counselor was gonna say and she.

Okay, so let me ask you guys, so that's kind of like your rhythm is just one, one to three times. Are you guys masturbating? Yeah, I remember that. I remember that podcast and she asked that. I was like, oh, she went right for it? Yeah, and they were like, they both agreed that they were, and I was like, oh my goodness.

Well, that's, I mean, could, if you're taking care of a need yourself, that was made. It's terrible for your spouse to take care of. It's gonna divide you. It's gonna, yeah, it's gonna pull you apart because it's you're, that is for your relationship. That was for your husband to me. It's for your wife to me.

And I remember she never touched on it. She never, Yeah. He said, oh, well maybe that's, maybe you stop. That's stop doing that. Yeah. Maybe if you stop doing that, you'll actually wanna be together. Yes. Yes. Yeah. God doesn't want you to do that. Come on now. like that's for you, Scott. You have each other. Mm-hmm.

That's exactly right. So they make sex a priority, number nine. They stay good friends. , this kind of goes hand in hand with, they keep playing and have fun together, but, but this is, this is really important that they stay really good friends. Hmm. That they make sure that their friendship, and I was just talking to a young kid about this and I said, you know, he said, what's the number one thing in marriage?

I said, well, that's not, you know, number one thing. There's a lot of different things I said, but the thing that'll probably help you the most is. Best friends. Best married. Yeah. You know, best friends, best married, be really good buddies. Mm-hmm. with each other. Find, this is where Tori and I talk a lot. You need to find common hobbies, find common activities that you guys can do together.

I mean, for crying out loud, pickleball is huge. Go do pickleball. Mm-hmm. , go learn how to dance together. Mm-hmm. , go do something. Yep. And just be really good friends. Number. , um, they can talk comfortably and openly about their sex life. Yeah. So people who, who claim to have great sex according to this research, they're able to actually talk about it with each other.

Mm-hmm. , and you know how you get better at that. You just practice . You just keep on doing it. Like it's not, I'm, it is not comfortable. I mean, even, yeah, there are times now where I'm like, can we like lower the lights when we're talking about this? You just turn the lights off. You, you look too clear to me right now.

like because I don't like, that feels so vulnerable. It just feels like, I don't know. Yeah. I think I'm probably more of a private person than, than you are naturally. And so that it's been, that's a challenge for me. Yeah. . I practice it and I'm getting better and better because I practice it. Yeah. Yeah.

Tori's very private. I'm more like, I mean, for crying out loud, I was in a locker room coming up from the time I was in junior high school until I was 25 in professional baseball. Mm-hmm. , we showered in a massive room with no partitions, you know, it's like, , nothing is private. So I'm, I could talk about anything.

Yeah. You know, I've even come on podcast even before this one, and Tori's like, honey, don't, don't be too, you know, graphic or whatever. I'm like, I'm not gonna be graphic, but mm-hmm. not scared to talk about anything. So for Tori and I to have to talk about, you know, openly talk about sex, like what would be a good rhythm, you know, and it's like, And you have to start talking about these things.

She's right. I have had to turn the light off a few times, but at least we're talking about it. . . So that's number eight. Um, you know, I, no, that's number nine. Can I say one more tip to talking about these things? You know what, it's a great way to start, go for a walk. Oh yeah. Keep your body moving when you're talking.

Sometimes hard conversations are easier to, to do. When your body's moving, your blood is flowing. You're not actually looking at each other's eyes where it's a little bit more vulnerable. like, just start there. I know that that's helped me a lot. I'm like, let's just go for a walk. Let's go for a walk. Let me look at the side of your head.

That was actually number 10. So number 11, and this one's so important, couples who claim to have great sex according to this research, they have weekly. . Yeah, that's good. Weekly. Weekly. Weekly. Weekly. Mm-hmm. . Try to make it weekly. You know, do everything in your power and you can do it. Mm-hmm. . It doesn't have to be, it doesn't have to cost, cost money.

It doesn't always have to be dinner, you know, but it just has to be something that you do together without the kids. Mm-hmm. , whatever that is. Get a babysitter, spend the money. Like, figure out your schedule. Prioritize it. Yep. If you have church on Wednesday nights and the only night that you guys will be free to go on a date mm-hmm.

is Wednesday night, then pick Wednesday night. Yep. Like, just do it. Yeah. So my, my love language is quality time, so I've always been game for a weekly Yeah. Date night. You, on the other hand, you did not start. your love language being quality time. Yeah. And so it was more, it was a little bit more of a stretch for you.

It was more of, it wasn't like a deep desire, like I need to spend time with you, but you prioritized it. You practiced it and you kept doing it. And now your, you to live without it, your love language has become who? He, he took the, the quiz a couple years ago and it morphed into quality time. . So some of those healthy habits you may not enjoy at the beginning, but you begin to enjoy more and more as you get to see the reward of them.

And, and so that's, that's having weekly dates. Now, this next one, number 12, this doesn't have a timeframe on it, but I do think it's important. It says they take romantic vacations. Mm. So the people who claim to have the best sex according to this research, they actually put thought into going on a romantic vacation together.

And I think that's so important because when you're dating. You always thought that, man, it would be awesome if we could do a candle like dinner on the beach and it would be so incredible. We'll, we'll go out to the beach and do a candle like dinner at an all-inclusive resort and you're thinking of all these things and then you get married and you have kids and it's just so busy.

Mm-hmm. , and you're busy with work and you don't wanna spend the money and all that, but just do it. Right. Like just book something. Yeah. Even an overnight, just drive to Charleston if you live close to there and get you a nice little hotel. and, and book you a book, you a four star steakhouse. Doesn't have to be five star, but four star.

Mm-hmm. , it has candlelight. And just go right and just do it. And those romantic vacations and, and just even a romantic dinner, uh, together, even if you're not staying overnight, it's so healthy for you. Yeah. So healthy for you. And then number 13 is the last one. They're mindful about turning toward each other.

Mm. This is Dr. Gottman's. This, this is probably the drum. of all the doctors, all the research that they've done. Mm-hmm. . Yep. This is the drumbeat healthy couples, those who have the best relationships, and those who have the best sex life, they turn toward each other. Yep. So, when one makes a bid, if I reach over and grab Tory's hand mm-hmm.

and she responds and she grabs my hand. Mm. You know, a, she, she just made dinner, which is her bid. Mm-hmm. , you know, she's making dinner, she's, she's doing it and she knows she's doing it for me. I'm just coming home from a trip or whatever, and she's made dinner and that's a bid. and I eat that and I'm like, honey, you are the best.

And I give her a hug and I'm like, thank you. That's responding to that bid. Those are the people who are the healthiest. Yeah. So they, they're mindful and they turn toward each other. And so, uh, and there's one more little study, and let me just give this as we close, because the Sloan Center at ucla, what they did was they studied 30 dual career couples, which means that the husband and the wife both worked, they were both busy and they had kids.

Okay. So they took 30 of these couples. and they did all this research. What they did was they, they observed them, they, uh, did recordings of their conversations. They interviewed the couples and what they discovered about these 30 couples that were busy and they had kids, and they were looking at how it affected their own physical connection.

Mm-hmm. , he said these six things that they observed, they spend very little time together during a typical week. So during a typical week, they're just real busy. Spent very little time together. They became job center. for him. Mm-hmm. and child centered for her. Okay. So she was more focused and worried about the kids even though she was working her career mm-hmm.

and he became more job centered. So they were moving opposites. Yes. Um, they talked mostly with each other about their huge to-do lists. Wow. Rather than their feelings. Mm-hmm. rather than their dreams. Yep. Right. Um, they seem to make everything else a priority other than their relationship. Mm-hmm. . So their relationship was just secondary.

They began to drift. and they led parallel lives, which Tori and I have seen that we've had couples sitting on our couches and literally we're talking with them and they wanna know why they're having marriage problems. And we're like, well, your lives are so separate. Yes, you, you don't have mar healthy marriage habits that are drawing you together.

And then the last one is they were very unintentional about turning toward one another. Wow. They were very much doing their own. He's doing his thing. Mm-hmm. , she's doing her thing. They're doing their own thing. They're not turning toward each other. And one researcher on the project said that his impression was that these couples only spent about 35 minutes together every week in conversation.

And most of their talk during that 35 minutes was about Aaron's or tasks they had to get done. Wow. This is, that's not. That's not gonna lead to no a good sex life or a good marriage relationship at all. Right. This just reminds me of something we talk about in our book is you move, you move towards that which you focus on.

Yeah, that's a good point. Right? Like we. We've, uh, been through driver's ed with three kids and nothing is more apparent than when you're on the road with a, a new driver. Oh boy. What? He's Oh boy. He or she is looking at, you're like, keep your eyes on the stinking road. Oh, yeah. Oh my goodness. How many times have like, we've swerved off because they just, they look at their phone or I'm like, oh my word.

But, you know, I was actually studying even more this week about, Razz, the reticular activating system. Oh yeah. Your brain filter. Your brain filter. You have a part of your brain that filters, um, subconscious to the conscious, the subconscious to the conscious and the things that you are focused on Yeah.

You will move towards That's right. You, and it's just the way that we're wired. It was the ma way that we're made. And so you have to decide, yeah. What, what, what is your vision? What, what do you want? Mm, we'll start thinking about that. That's good. You know, it's like you're talking about the. . Well, that's because she's, all she's thinking about is her kids all the time.

Yeah. It's a good thing, but it's, when it's out of balance, it's not a good thing. Yeah. And it's the same for the man who's just like you and I, when we first got married, that was our story. You were focused on a career and it took your focus off me and I was just focused on the kids. It took my focus off you.

Yeah. And we were just going in different directions because our focus wasn't on each other anymore. Yeah. And you know, there's, there's not a, a marriage psychologist out there that won't tell you that the marriage. has to be placed above the relationship with the kids. Yeah. Why? Because your marriage is showing and teaching your kids how to love another human being.

and if you are so focused on the kids or on anything other than your marriage, then you're not teaching those kids who are really only in your house for a short period of time. Right. God willing, they'll live until the median age of, what is it, 77 or 80 years old? I don't know exactly what it is. Uh, not median age, but the average age.

Mm-hmm. lifespan of somebody. Well, they're only in your house for 18 to 20 years. Yeah. Hopeful. . Right. Well, that's, that's not even a quarter of their life. Mm-hmm. , you know, or that is a quarter of their life. I don't know. I wasn't a homeschooler , but, but listen, so we have to teach our kids how to love Yeah.

How to love another human being. Yeah. And that's why our relationship has to be primary. That's why we need to do these 13 things. Yeah. That's, I'm not gonna re repeat 'em all here. You can just go back and re-listen to the podcast. But if, if you want great sex, which you're, it's something that God calls you to have mm-hmm.

and it's good for your relat. , we need to apply these. Yeah. And I think it's interesting that all 13 really don't have a lot to do with what you would think. Yeah. Would have to do with when it comes to your sex life. You know what I mean? It's like spend more time together. Yeah. It's all the non-sexual things.

Non-sexual things. Yeah. That, that's what I was looking for. And my number was 13 in high school. Oh my goodness. How about that? Tell me that's not God . Is it 13? Like an unlucky number? Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. Um, okay, so let's quickly tell, um, tell our audience about my favorite thing to eat this week.

Whoa. Yes, . Let's do it. What is it? Those Reese's peanut butter cups that I made. Oh, blow your hair back. Good. We were out of town quite a bit this week, and so not a lot of meals. Well, did a lot of meals on the road. Yeah. Cause we had a bunch of college people come to our hair, beer and Airbnb. But now we're experiencing the, uh, I ate out too much bloat.

Yes. Yeah. Um, but this, I have this recipe. It's so incredibly easy and it's, it just really helps your sweet craving. , which I've been having a lot of Right. Uh, lately. I have too. Um, so it's Reese Peanut butter Healthy Reese peanut butter cups. All you do and I'll, I'll make a little reel for you guys. Um, you take dark chocolate?

Yeah. I had to take, I used a 72% garelli. Mm. Very low sugar. Good stuff. Throw them in, um, the cupcake 10 cup. Yeah. In the little cupcake, uh, filters, whatever they, yeah, whatever those called about an eighth of a cup. of dark chocolate chips in each little cupcake. Yep. Um, and then you put, pop it in the oven for about, I don't know, three minutes until they melt.

Okay. Yeah. Then you just take a little glob of natural peanut butter. I like the chips. Natural peanut butter. It does have a little palm oil, which who cares? You know? I like the word glob. I like the word glob too. So you glob it in there. Yep. And then you just take a spoon and flip that glob over. Yes. And you know what you.

A Reese peanut butter cup. Put it in the in the refrigerator, and that is it. So incredibly easy and delicious. You know, there's an eighties song that starts out roping, reaping, glop and glop. Really? Yeah, there is, but I forget which one it is. I can't remember who it is. Squirrel. Squirrel. But you said glob and it got me.

Yeah. No, these reesey's peanut butter cups, like it's a legit healthy snack. Yeah. And we say healthy, you can't eat six of them. Yeah. Because that's maybe not so healthy, but you can certainly have one. Yeah. With a cup of tea. Yum. Yeah, that's right. So anyways, I will do a little reel so you guys can see how I do it.

And you know what? There's nothing better than having a nice homemade Reese's peanut butter. After great sex. Mm. How about that? That's the best way I could have ever ended this podcast. Okay. Way to tie it together. Thank you. That was my bow. All right. All right. Thanks for hanging out with us and talk to you guys soon.

Until next time,

See you guys. See ya.