Beauty in Battle Podcast

Marriage Best Practices

January 17, 2023 Jason Benham, Tori Benham Episode 53
Beauty in Battle Podcast
Marriage Best Practices
Show Notes Transcript

One of the best things you can do if you want to accomplish a goal is to find others who have achieved what you would like to achieve and ask what some of their best practices are. This allows you to glean from their knowledge bank and apply it to your own situation. 

That's what we do in this podcast. We discuss seven "best practices" that we have learned from others and have applied in our own relationship and found them to be worthy of the title. 


Okay, so today we're gonna talk about marriage best practices. And what we mean by this is things that we've heard from people, things that we've read and stuff that we've actually tried on our own. Um, best practices in marriage. Just little things. We're gonna list seven of 'em for you. Uh, there's a good jillion marriage, best practices, but it's, it's jillion.

Gajillion. You know, it is funny because as I built my businesses starting back in 2002 with my brother, we would always go to these conferences. every year. Right. These real estate conferences. Mm-hmm. . And one of the breakout sessions that they always had every year was real estate best practices. Yeah. In terms of the specific type of real estate.

And then you would get together in a group of, you know, oftentimes three to 400 people and they'd have an open mic. And they'd say, what, what are some things that you've done that have helped you build your real estate business? And people go up to the microphone. I hired a virtual assistant outta the Philippines.

Everybody's writing down. They're like, okay, what, what, what? Where did you find him? And he's like, go to this website. Yeah. And pe that's marriage it. It's best practices, you know, for building a business. So why can't we talk about that with marriage? I agree. So that's what we're gonna do today. Let's do it.

But before we do, yeah, let's talk about a song that we really like. Oh yeah. Do you guys should listen to together? You got one for us? I got one. Here we go. After all this time, you'd think I'd be used to the pool you after. So for so who think I'm still.

I like that. Still learning, still burning, still falling, but you didn't tell us who it was. It's Hunter Hayes. Still falling. Yeah. It's so good though, because it's so true. Like you have to do what it takes to stir that, that up. The thing that, yeah, it stirred you up to begin with. Keep on doing it. Still burning, still learning, still falling.

It's being very proactive in your marriage. That's why we're talking marriage best practices today, and this is why we. Good country or any kind of love song. Yeah. Because it helps you. Words are so powerful and it helps you to think things like you thought when you were dating and it helps you to think about your spouse and to think loving thoughts, and that's important in marriage.

Yeah. Well, you know, While you were listening to that song, were you feeling something for me? ? Were you, are you just much, is it just easy to say it on a podcast ? I'm feeling it. Okay. So typically I lead the, the little listicles at all. But I told Tori I don't wanna do that today cuz she came up with most of these actually.

She's, you know, we, we've, we did it together. We read, we've read a lot, you know, so these aren't all our own or whatever, but, you know, and some of them are just very simple things and. We just figured we'd share 'em with you. We'll talk, we've learned a, a lot from just having a lot of couples over and talking to them, and these are things that come up.

Yeah. And these are things that we've, we really feel like are really good practices. It does bring up a good point though. Like if you're going out for, you know, a double date or you're out, you know, a party or whatever, and the couples are, you guys are all talking together, just ask each other what is it that you do in your relationship to keep it strong.

Yeah. That's good. Mm-hmm. Okay. You want me to start? I do. Okay. So number one, pray together. Yeah, there you go. That's good. Pray together and there's perfect. There's so many reasons why this is so important, but I think one of the reasons is, uh, we talk about it in our, in, in the retreats that we've done in, in our book, that there are three battles, right?

Yeah. Personal, relational, and kingdom. Yeah. It's so important for us to get outside of ourselves and to, to, to be in the kingdom battle. Yeah. And to do that, it's important. Go ahead. Can I say with the, with the three r real quick, I mean just, just, we don't wanna insult your intelligence. This is in our book, but the personal battles, the fight over sin, temptation, relational battles, the fight with other people.

The kingdom battle is fighting for people, like fighting for the hearts and souls of people. and prayer helps you to, to do that. Yeah. It's like, okay, we're gonna pray together. We're not just gonna pray about all things that we need, all things that we want and all about us, but let's talk, let's pray about things that are important to God.

Mm-hmm. , let's pray for the unborn. Yeah. You know, let's pray for the issues of our days. Yeah. And so it helps us to get outside of. Our little, you know, relational tension, our little personal issues, and to think bigger, you know, I love that because, and that, that was the one that Tori's like, we have to put pray together.

And, you know, my first thought is of course, you know, like everybody knows you're supposed to pray together. But let's just think about that for a second. Because praying together about things like really going, going after God together. Verbally, like out loud is a vulnerable place to be. Mm-hmm. , because you might not feel like you're a good prayer.

Yeah. You know, I know couples right now, one partner will always pray the other won't. Mm-hmm. , you know, just because that's just the way that they've slipped into that comfortable place. But really both partners need to pray like, so Tori and I decided that we are gonna start walking around the block. You know, we do a a mile walk around the block and while we're.

We're talking, but we're also spending some time praying and when we pray together, and Tori's honestly, when it comes to conversational prayer, Tori is a much better prayer than me. My, like, she thinks of stuff like I, it's like, let's pray for the kids. Lord, help Trey, Allie, Jake, and Lindy. Help 'em Lord, help 'em, help 'em.

That's so not true. Just don't how you say that cuz I have always felt like you're such, you're so much better of a prayer. Like if we're gonna pray in front of. Nudging Jason. Yeah. That's just because I know how to speak and stuff. And you do too. But still like conversational prayer when we're walking around the block, if Tori tells me to pray for the kids, I'll pray for them, but I'm lasting probably two to three minutes and I feel as though I've exhausted my resource.

Yeah. But Tori on the other hand, literally can pray for the kids the entire mile. It's such a good practice. I mean, it's something sometimes you have to practice like, okay, we've got this time. , let's dig into some prayer. And she's right though. It's not just praying about your, your own relationship and, and even your kids.

It's opening it up. It's like the Lord tells us in the Bible, we're supposed to pray for our governing leaders. Mm-hmm. , I mean, pray for 'em. Yeah. Salvation for the Biden family. Yeah. You know, salvation for Harris family, you know, like, and pray for your local state reps. Obviously pray for, you know, whatever you know, non-profit type situation that the Lord has put on your heart and mind.

Whatever. You know, community you're involved with, with and in, um, you know, just pray for everything. And when you do that, when two or more are gathered mm-hmm. , you and your spouse are being the church. Yep. And that's where God's presence come. And when you have God's presence, you have his power. So just praying together.

The very act of it makes you more powerful as a couple. Yeah, it's so good. So great marriage. Best practice number one. Pray together. Pray together. Number two, celebrate wins. Yeah, this one's hard. It is hard. It's sep. It's a practice. Tori, remember something? It's best marriage practice. Yeah. Which means you gotta practice

Good point. . Tori just did this, this. Yeah. Um, and I think, you know, the Lord really showed me this in Genesis, we've talked about this before, just watching God's process of creation and how he celebrated every step He did. It is good. It's, yeah. Yep. So he created, he, you know, I, I don't have the one sixth of the way.

He's like, let there be light. He's only one sixth of the way done creation. What does he say? It's good. and it was, and he looked and he saw that it was good. Yeah. In my translation, it says, and he saw that it was good. Yeah. He saw over and over and over. He stopped every step and said, and he saw that it was good.

Mm-hmm. , we've got to see that the little things that we're doing are good. Yeah. We have to celebrate the little thing things because that's what motivates us and keeps us going. Keeps us energized. Yeah. To keep going. And this is something that I think you're really, really good at and you've taught me really well.

You're really good at verbalizing. You know what that was. We, you know, that was so fun when we got to do this and when we, when we completed that. I'm really glad we we did that. That was so good. , um, I've really been more intentional of, of celebrating the little wins. Yeah. And it's been a really, really refreshing thing for me and for you in our relationship, because we're talking about those little wins.

Yeah. And it, and you know what? You're right. Because it does give you motivation. To bust through the hard times in your life. Yeah. You know, like, um, it doesn't matter what it is, whatever win that you've had, it might be a personal win. Mm-hmm. , it might be a relational win, whatever win that you've had in the past, like celebrate it.

Yeah. But, but also memorialize it. So if you come to our house, if you ever want to come and do a marriage intensive with us where you spend two days and we eat very fineing food and we dive into a marriage assessment with you in your guest suite that's off of our garage, you'll see a stack of. Those are books that my brother and I have written, and then Tori and I have written, and I've got this stack of books right here.

but you know what, I have that stack of books in like three other different places in my house. Do you know why it memorializes a win for me? Yes. Yep. It feels good for me to walk past those books. I look at 'em and go, I wrote those. Right. That like, that feels good and I think it energizes you to keep going.

Yes. Or like, you know, the guy who restores a car? Mm-hmm. , take a picture of it and put it on a poster in your man cave, you know? Yeah. Or the woman whose kid just graduated high school. . You know, like that's a snap, a picture of that diploma or you get like, that's a win. Celebrate it. I mean, even as things as small as preparing a healthy meal for the family, that is true.

I really celebrate that now even if one kid shows up, because our kids are all over the place. And sometimes, like actually a lot of times we're like, wait, where are you? Where are you? We're all sitting down for dinner. Oh, I, I'm at Chipotle . I'm like, are you kidding me? I hate you . But it's like, you know, In there are sometimes I'll prepare, like I made, I even talked about it on that last, on a podcast recently.

I made this, you know, um, casserole for all allie's, friends that were home and, you know, took a couple hours to make, and none of them, none of them, none of them showed up because they had other plans, which is totally fine, but it's like, you know what? This was really good. I like, this was a good thing that I was able to, to make this healthy meal and now it's gonna feed Jason and I for the rest of the week.

in all honesty, that was not as much of a win because I ate so much of it that night cuz there was so much there. It was healthy babe. I literally felt like the stay puffed marshmallow man. You know what, let's keep it a win because I, it was a really healthy Got it. Got it. Um, but you know, As I was, um, thinking about this, I remember, um, growing up my grandparents, they ran the, the Christian school and the church that I went to my whole life.

And we all were on the same property. And, um, I think one of the things I remember most about their re relationship was they celebrated wins together. , they were married over 50 years. They had a really, really good relationship. They did everything together. You know, they ran the school, they ran the, the church, um, and they just were a really, really good team.

Mm-hmm. . And they really loved each other. I mean, everybody who knew them, you know, their legacy is that they had a really strong marriage. And I remember, um, they used to take me and my brother out to breakfast, um, at Tony's. Mm, which is like still one of my fa I don't even know if Tony's is still around.

Tony's around in Torrington, but one of the best breakfast spots. And, um, I just remember them talking. , all these little things that, that had happened that week and like celebrating them. And I remember thinking like, wow, they're like the most positive people ever. Yeah. Because they would be like, wasn't that, you know, they'll talk about a Bible say, wasn't that amazing what they shared?

And I just, I'm so proud of, you know, so and so, and. . I'm just amazed at how they're growing and they were, they would celebrate like everything. Yeah, that's true. And they were doing it together. And I just think back and I think they really knew how to celebrate the little things. Yeah. And celebrate wins together.

And that really, they really had a strong marriage. And uh, that's definitely a good marriage, marriage, uh, practice. Mm-hmm. , wait. No, I was saying, yeah. Marriage. Best practice. So number one, pray together. Number two, celebrate wins. What's number? number three, listen to a book and that. And listen to a book together.

Yeah. Listen to a book together. Um, and that can be, you know, listen to a podcast together, listen to a book. We, we do both. But I think just learning together, processing together, dreaming together all the things. Mm-hmm. that learning through a book or through a podcast or something that you're interested in learning together brings Yeah.

Is a really, really good thing for your relationship. Yeah. It, it, you know, it's crazy. , A lot of couples have struggled with communication in the past. Mm-hmm. , it's like you just veg out and you just watch TV together and, but you're really not talking. And then when you are alone, it's like, what do we talk about?

If there's not something tactical, like okay, the kid's games or the kid's schedule or whatever. There's not something tactical to talk about. You don't really know what to talk about. But what Tori and I have discovered, and we really start, started to dive into listening to books together, if you can listen to 'em together, if your schedule allows.

If you can't, at least, you know, both of you can say, okay, hey, let's listen to chapter one of that book. You know, honey, on your way to work, you listen to it and at some point today I'll listen to it and then. When you come back together later in the day, you know, that night or whatever, talk about it. Yeah.

And it gives you stuff to talk about because you're learning together, learning growing together. Tori and I are reading one that our um, couple, couple friends of ours that we're actually mentoring, Zach and Andy Woodridge, you guys would actually love them. We need to . We're gonna them, both of our couples, we do Tanner, I'm.

So bummed that, and Brittany, when Tanner and Brittany were here, we didn't get them on the podcast, but we're gonna do it. We gotta do it, we're gonna do it. And then yeah, for sure Andy and Zach would, oh man, you guys would have so much fun. But they, they told us about this cool book, the Gap and the Gain, uh, by Dan Sullivan.

and, uh, so we're listening to it together, but it's a really given Tory and I a lot of good stuff to talk about. Which, which, um, we actually have a point on here we'll get to in just a minute, uh, that Dan Sullivan said, but so mm-hmm. . So that's number three. Listen to a book together. What's number four to number four is find a shared activity.

Yeah. We have found this to be really, really helpful. You have to have it, yeah. Mm-hmm. , and, you know, we bring a lot of couples through the sim. Yeah, tell tell 'em real quick what the Simbu is. The SIMBU is a marriage assessment. There's two marriage assessments that we use. If you join our coaching program, you're gonna go through the prepare and.

assessment. If you go through our mentorship program or our marriage intensive, you'll get the Sims assessment. Both of 'em are incredible assessments, but they basically take a personality profile and they show how you mesh. Mm-hmm. , and it basically puts your marriage on paper. Yeah. And we get a chance to dive in and basically dissect you.

It's so fun. Yeah. And one of the things that they talk about, you know, for men and women, you know, knowing the difference between a male and a female and how you're wired and the tendencies, you know, both for male and female. Female. So politically incorrect. Yeah, it is. Um, but one of the things that they talk about for a man that, you know, can universally men really need shared activity Yes.

With their spouse, it really makes them feel connected. Mm-hmm. and women really need to. cherished. Mm-hmm. . Yeah. Right. And so like, there, those were the, the two differences between a man and a female, a male and a female. But it's what we have found, um, is that doing shared activities has really bonded us.

Yeah. That's actually why I like CrossFit. Mm-hmm. , in all honesty, like CrossFit, I don't go heavy anymore. I don't care about winning. I don't care about even keeping my score. , but we do CrossFit because it's set up so that everybody can do the same workout. Mm-hmm. , if you're 400 pounds outta shape, or if you're 180 pounds Yeah.

Straight up Y yolked and rip. You do the exact same workout. You just do it at different intervals and mm-hmm. , you know, and, and intensity. Right. So, but Tory and I do it together because it's set in a group setting. Yeah. It doesn't matter. It can be Orange Theory, it can be, I mean, any of these other popular things, you can just go to a gym together if you want.

And there are so many different things that you could do for shared activities. It doesn't just have to be working out. But, and I think that I, this really came to mind, you know, through this simbi like, okay, Jason really needs shared activity. But what I've learned is I actually really enjoy it. Like, I feel like it has just provided us with a lot more time together.

Um, which I'm a quality time girl, and so you. I think that I really, um, thought of it as being really important in, in taking that action because I thought it was something that would be really, really something you would really appreciate. But I actually, yeah, feel like I benefit just as not much of it.

Not more. It's so awesome how the Lord works that way cuz remember, he's not just your father, he is your father-in-law. . So if your father-in-law looks down and sees you doing something nice for his son or daughter, he's like, okay, I'm gonna come in and I'm gonna help you. Yeah. So Tori jumped into some of my shared activity.

Now she loves it. I jumped into some of hers and now I love it. Mm-hmm. . The cool thing about that is if you don't know of anything that you guys would enjoy doing together, find something that neither of you have thought about and just do it. Like take dance lessons together. Mm-hmm. , like go out and there, there are so many.

Little classes where you can go and learn how to, how to ballroom dance. Yeah. Go do that together. Did it work? Did it not work? Did you like it? Right? No. Oh, pick something else. Mm-hmm. . But just be proactive and pick something. Yep. I mean, there's uh, one of our things, one of our shared activities is walking, we walk Oh, yeah.

Every day too. And one of the things I really wanna do, and I've been saying this for a while, and we just gotta do it, is pickleball. Oh, pickleball. Really? I'm scared of blowing my ACL out. Oh, . Yeah. We'll do pickle. Okay to, all right. You got my, you got my promise, like I think the third time I've said it on a podcast, so let's make it happen, captain.

Oh, geez. Okay. Pickleball. Number five. Number five, practice Verbal gratitude. Verbal gratitude. Don't just think it say it. Yep. It's so easy in marriage to not say thank you for the things that you're thankful for, because it's just every. Mundane. It's the things that you do over and over, over again.

There's no reason to say thank you. It, there is a reason words are really, really powerful. Yeah. And, um, uh, we talk a lot about the 20 to one rule. Yes. From Dr. Gottman. You need it. 20 to one rule is for every one negative interaction, you need 20 positive interactions. Mm-hmm. . And that's if you want your marriage to grow.

If you want your marriage to just stay at equilibrium. , um, then it's five to one. And one of the best ways you can do that is just say the words. Thank you. Mm-hmm. for the things you're thankful for. Tori did that for me last night. It was 28 degrees. It was 1130. Lundy called us from her friend's house. She was gonna stay over there.

Jake was supposed to pick her up. He didn't. So Tori starts getting outta bed to go pick her up. Um, she, it's just two streets over or one street over, but I jumped outta bed. I said, here, I'll go do it. And so I did it. I was frozen solid. got back into the bed and Tori just goes, thanks so much for doing that.

And it felt good. And I'm like, Oh, really? Would you like for me to get a little closer? ? No. How thankful are you? Yeah, that's exactly right. So that's number five. But we gotta, let's, let's roll on to number six. And I like this, this came from Dan Sullivan. Yeah. So this is the book that Jason and I are reading together.

Yeah. How old do you think he is? He's, he's an older guy. He's gotta be in his seventies or, yeah, he's older. And I love this. This is one of his, um, Practices. Yeah. Um, do one thing every day to make your spouse happy. Yep. I loved that. Simple. Yeah. He said that he's been married, I don't know, it was like a long, long time.

He's like 50 some years. 50, 60 years. And, uh, the guy interviewing him said like, tell us your, your best practice and. He mentioned that, and I thought that is really, really good to hear from an older man that he's still thinking about ways to make his wife happy every day. Yeah. And, and they're still so in love and everything, but just think about that.

You would do it for your friend if you got a really good friend. It's like, I wanna do one thing that'll make them happy. Like, I, I just know it. Tori knows that I absolutely love. A quarter cup of oatmeal with three sunny side up eggs with an apple cut up and blueberries put all into a bowl mixed in with some salt and pepper.

She knows it and Jason knows I do not like that bowl. She hates it, so she hates it. Wait, I don't mix. . But there are times where I'll come home separate from a long trip. You know, I'm literally famished at like 10 o'clock at night and I'll walk in and Tori might already be cuddled up in bed, but she's got a candle going in the house, no other lights, and here's a bowl of my little famous breakfast mix that she just did.

Like it makes Jason very happy. Oh my gosh, that's, it's not that hard to do. You're kind of easy to please . I know, right? But she knows, no. Here you go, men. She knows that if I'm gonna eat that, then I'm gonna rinse that bowl out and I'm gonna put it back into the dishwasher, , or you're gonna give it to Rocky, or I'm gonna give it to Rocky and let him take it.

It's gotta go in the dishwasher for sure. Yeah. Yeah. So that's number six. Do one thing that makes your spouse happy, and number seven. Go to bed together. Oh yes. And this is something I think that just over the years of spending so much time with different couples, if you can go to bed together, it's really a good idea.

It's huge. It's a good idea. Um, when Jason and I first got married, I'm a night l Jason is an early riser. Yeah. We're opposite. Mm-hmm. . And so it was really hard to get on the same page. Um, but we noticed that. , it was really, really important that we do. Yeah. Like there were so many times where I would stay up really late and then I, you know, the later that I would stay up, the harder it would be for me to get up in the morning.

Yeah. I had to get onto a, a better schedule with Jason going to bed together, you might think, oh, well that's, you know, we practically can't do that.

Granted, there are couples out there that can't practically go to bed together, but if you can sink your schedules so that you do where you can literally fall asleep holding. , you know? Mm-hmm. . Yeah. Or however that works for you. Snuggle a little bit, but then obviously body heat takes over and then you get too hot , so just fall, fall asleep.

Holding hands. Yeah. Or touching or something like that. But you're both together. It's not, one of you is asleep and the other one is you, of you is always watching TV or on your phone. Right. It's just not, it's just not healthy. We're, we're giving you marriage best practices. Yep. Things that are best. You get on the same, into the same sleeping habits and patterns.

If it's. , it's better. Yeah, for sure. So let me give you the seven again. You're gonna pray together. You're gonna celebrate wins together. You're actually gonna pick a book and you're gonna listen to it together, and that'll give you a lot to talk about that helps you process together. Number four, find a shared activity.

And if you don't know exactly what that should be, pick something. Pick something fun and learn together. Number five, practice verbal gratitude. Number six, do one thing that you know will make your spouse happy today. And number seven, try to go to bed together. Yep. Sleeping together is a good thing in marriage.

I've been told get on the same schedule if at all possible. Um, okay, before we leave you guys, um, we're gonna share a recipe. So, Christmas Day, my brother Frankie, who. A food connoisseur. Yep. He loves food even more than me, which is saying something. And um, he walked in, well actually I shouldn't say he walked in cuz he, um, He brought all these wings that were uncooked and he grilled up these wings and they were the best wings I think I've ever had.

I don't know if I was just starving or what, but they were so good. They're the second best to the wings that you typically make. But you like my hot wings better? They were so good. These were like fall off the bone, the flavor. It was like real s smokey flavor. And it was just from him grilling. Yeah, and there was no.

He didn't even have like a, his special grill and it was just amazing. And so I was like, you've gotta share this recipe with me. So he did. And I am gonna share it with you all so easy. I mean, it's like the easiest recipe and it is delicious. I, I really feel like I wanna make it at least once a week. Yeah, no, it was good.

I, and I, I'm great with you making it once a week, so long as the chicken is like good. The good. . Yeah. Like organic chicken. Yeah. You don't get that. Chicken wings, junk chicken. Um, yeah. So the key is to marinate the wings in a zesty Italian dressing, zesty Italian Esty, how long you marinate it. Um, so I just did it for a couple hours and they were still amazing.

Sweet. He said, ideally you wanna do it overnight, but if you're just like, I'm craving wings, I'm gonna go for this. Yeah, just a couple hours is fine. Okay. And then you, um, you just grill them and you take. Lemon pepper, which I used. I'll show, I'll show you guys the brand that I used, he used a different brand.

And honestly, if as long as it's a lemon pepper, it is amazing. Hmm. And um, butter, mixed with butter and you just grill up those wings and then you, um, base them in the butter with the lemon pepper. Yep. and just cook them for like a good 40 minutes on the grill and then get 'em charred. Get 'em kind of charred.

Yeah. With the butter. That's what you want. Oh my gosh. It, it, they're really, really, really good. So I'm gonna share that with you guys on, um, Jason Tory. Yeah. Um, see, that's, that's the beauty of being married to an Italian. She's got an Italian family, and, and then she wears this, Tori has this shirt that she wears to bed, and it's, it's Alfredo's Deli.

Mm-hmm. , which is a famous deli in Torrington. This is the best place owned by Alfredo. Yes. And anyway, on the back it said food so authentic, authentically Italian, so authentic. So no Italian food's so authentic that you won't eat with your back to the door. . I love it. So thank you Frankie. Good Italian name for that recipe.

And you're gonna share it? Yep. I'll share it on, uh, our Instagram. So sweet. All right guys. This was fun. Yep. Tori, you did a good job leading. Maybe you should do that more. Okay. And I think next week we're gonna have some guests. Oh, hopefully. Hopefully, let's make it happen. We won't even tell you who, just in case.

All right. We'll see you guys next week, you guys.