Beauty in Battle Podcast

Re-Membering in Marriage

November 22, 2022 Jason Benham, Tori Benham Episode 47
Re-Membering in Marriage
Beauty in Battle Podcast
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Beauty in Battle Podcast
Re-Membering in Marriage
Nov 22, 2022 Episode 47
Jason Benham, Tori Benham

Every relationship is about connection. But what do you do when you're disconnected? How can you connect once again and stay connected? 

That's what this episode is all about. We're going to share a secret that will keep you connected without a trace of disconnection. 

And the beauty is, it's so easy and fun! 

Tune in as we share this relational secret. And we'll even share with you our story of how we got engaged - it involved candlelight and a little "foot washing" ceremony (no joke!).  

See you in there!

Show Notes Transcript

Every relationship is about connection. But what do you do when you're disconnected? How can you connect once again and stay connected? 

That's what this episode is all about. We're going to share a secret that will keep you connected without a trace of disconnection. 

And the beauty is, it's so easy and fun! 

Tune in as we share this relational secret. And we'll even share with you our story of how we got engaged - it involved candlelight and a little "foot washing" ceremony (no joke!).  

See you in there!

So we're talking about remembering in marriage, but I titled it red dash Remembering, and there's a reason why. Okay, so I'm not gonna let you in on it yet. I'm on the edge of my seat over here. , you're dying because, um, you know, before we get into talking about remembering in marriage first, uh, Thanksgiving is coming.

It's coming up quick. It's coming up real quick. Yeah. So our, our talk today has a little bit to do. What we do on Thanksgiving, this coming Thursday when we remember back to faithful people in the past that gave us the freedoms in America, the likes of which no nation has ever experienced, freedoms like that we're the only nation, uh, in history that ended slavery in less than a hundred years from its founding.

Yep. Right. Yeah. Which is cool. So we got a lot to be thankful for. We really do. Um, but before we jump. We're going to share a song with you. Yep. We are to picked out a really special one. I love this. All right. Queue it up. So are you gonna tell tell 'em what it is? Do I tell them before or after? After? Yeah.

You tell 'em before. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. It's okay. So it's, that could still be us by Keith Urban. Yeah. Let's go ahead and play a little teaser and I'll tell you, you'll, you're gonna know right away why we love it, . Okay. Here we go, baby. I'm crazy.

I think that maybe

that could still be,


I could say don't get to does old you too.

That could still be, that could still be us. It's just so good because if you had it once, you can have it again. Yeah. You know, like it's so important to keep hope alive in your marriage and if you, you've lost that loving feeling and things feel so different than they did at the beginning, there is hope and you can get it back if you loved each other a certain way.

Once you can do it again, you can get it back. Yeah. That can still be us. And I love that song because he's talking about the past that they had as a relationship and he was talking about how, remember we used to hold each other and we'd make, make each other shake. I remember that. Mm-hmm. , you know, Tori and I first married, you know, like getting close to each other and I feel myself like shaking like, oh, this is awesome.

You know, that kind of thing. And he's talking about that in the song, and then he's saying, that can still be us. Yeah. It doesn't have to not be us anymore. Right. And that's what we're talking about today. We're talking about remembering in marriage. Um, so let's, let's look at, let's look at this, because as I said at the beginning, we're headed into Thanksgiving.

Where we remember faithful people who've gone before us. Yeah. And there's something that happens when we remember though, so, but let me just back up for a second now. Relationship is the state of being connected that when God created mankind, he created Adam, he created mankind in one body. And so Adam, here he was, he was all alone.

Mankind was found in one body. So what God had to do was. He said, Hey, it's not good for mankind to be at one. That's what he said, literally. But we, uh, translated as, as alone. So it's not good for man to be alone. And essentially what God was saying was, it's not good for mankind, which is the image of God to be trapped in one body.

So what he did was he removed feminine from masculine and he separated feminine and masculine into two separate bodies. One he calls woman, one he calls man, and then he gives them the command in Genesis 2 24 to come back together as one. Hmm. So God separated what was once one, so they could become one by choice.

That is relationship so good. It's a voluntary connection of co-equals. Mm-hmm. , God is in relationship in three people. God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit. In marriage, we need to be in relationship with three people. Now, we're not all co-equal. The two are co-equal man and woman, but the third party is God.

So we are in relationship now. Relationship is the state of being connected. But let's look at this a little bit different. My finger has a relationship to my. , it's connected. Right? Right. And so long as they're connected, I can do what I need to do with my hand. Like my hand has a purpose, right? And God wants me to use my hand.

He created my hand, but my palm needs to stay connected to my fingers. So if one of my fingers gets dismembered through some type of trauma mm-hmm. , then a doctor needs to do what? Remember? Remember? Mm-hmm. , right? He has to reconnect. So God is the doctor who can connect us. Once again. Now, physically it takes trauma to disconnect, but relationally it can take anything.

It doesn't take trauma, could take trauma. Oh my gosh. You could be very disconnected through trauma, but in relationships, you could get disconnected as simple as. You know the spouses are away from each other for three days and one of the spouses has quality time as a love language, right? And after 72 hours, they feel distant and you feel disconnected, right?

Mm-hmm. , right? It's something as simple as that. And if that's the case, if we get disconnected, then how do we get reconnected? Well, we re dash member. Well, you have to remember, well, how do we remember? We remember, yeah. Like how do we re dash member? We remember? Yeah. So good. You look like God. Mm-hmm. wants us to stay connected to him, right.

In our relationship. So Tori and God, God wants you to stay connected to him, Jason and God. God wants me to stay connected to him. So he gives us the scripture and in the scripture all throughout the scripture, what do we see versus that? Tell us what Remember. Right. Remember, let me, let me read just a couple so that you know, the way to reconnect with your spouse is to.

Okay. Um, Deuteronomy six 12, he says, take care, lest you forget the Lord who brought you outta the land of Egypt outta the house of slavery. So he didn't say, remember there, what he said was, you need to recognize that it's gonna be natural for you to take for granted all the stuff that I did for you in the past.

And when you don't remember what I did for you in the past, you'll get disconnected from me. Mm. So God is saying, saying that we apply that to our own. If you don't remember, yeah, the things in the history that you guys have and this awesome stuff in your history, you will get disconnected. Deuteronomy eight, two it says, and you shall remember the whole day that the Lord your God has led you these 40 years in the in the wilderness.

Isaiah 46, 9. Remember the former things of old for I am God, there is no other Acts 2035 and all these things I've shown. That you need to remember the words of the Lord Jesus. Psalm 77 11. I will, I will remember the deeds of the Lord. Yes. I will remember your wonders of old, hmm, right? Even, even Jesus in the Lord's Prayer, actually when he was doing the The Last Supper for communion, first Corinthians 1124.

And when Jesus had given thanks, he broke the bread and said, this is my body, which is for you. Do this. in remembrance of me. Why? Because God is saying, I wanna stay connected. Yeah. So if you want to stay connected, what do you have to do? You have to remember. Yeah. Mm. That's what we do. So good. And it keeps you Yep.

In remembrance. That's so good. You know, we just, we you, before you started, you said, um, you know, it's how important it is that remember the faithful people who went before us. Yeah. And we just came from your grandmother's funeral. Mm. Just actually just got home. And one of the things that your, your aunt Chrissy shared just touched both of us the most.

Mm-hmm. probably out of the whole, whole, um, ceremony. Yeah. It was just something that really spoke to us. She got up and she talked about. How much her mother and her father loved each other. Yeah, it's cool. And just the memories that she had. She said one thing, she's like, you know, my mom and dad, they, they, they had their issues.

They weren't even saved until later in life. Mm-hmm. . And so there was, you know, some turbulence in our, in our relationship. And there were, there were things, you know, but, but one thing. That I will always remember about my mom and my dad is that they loved each other. Yeah. There was, I never, she said me and flippy her, her brother, which is Jason's dad, she said, we never.

Worried that they were gonna divorce one another. Yeah. We always knew that mom and dad, that there was security in their relationship. They really, really loved each other and they, and that gave both she and your dad just a really deep sense of security knowing that you're, that they loved each other so deeply.

Yeah, and I just thought that, I mean, what a legacy. What a legacy for, you know, your grandpa died. I. 1996. So she was, she was alone for 20 I, I don't know math real well. 26 years maybe. Mm. She's been. Right. She never, she, it never even entered her mind to go on a date with another guy. So for 26 years. And, and I'm like, Tori, that, that's the example for you.

If I go , just remember I'm watching. That's so funny. But yeah, it, it was just, it was really cool to hear that that was something that she and I talked to her after the funeral. I said, that was just so beautiful. We shared. She's like, I really wasn't gonna share anything. Cause she doesn't like to speak publicly.

She's like, but I had to let everybody. My mom and dad loved each other and it meant the world to us. And I think that's actually freeing for all of us parents out there who know that we've already screwed our kids up. You know, Tori and I being among those Oh yes. It's like I know that I've hands up high.

Yes, I have not done good, but one thing that we can all do is love each other as spouses. Mm-hmm. , you know, and have a marriage that shows our kids that mom and dad really, really love each other. Yeah. And that does give a sense of security to our. , and I remember growing up watching grandma and grandpa and now they're both in heaven together, but I never saw them apart.

I really never saw them apart like they were always together. And I think that's one of the things that was just deeply rooted in me subconsciously, that one day I would want to do lots of stuff with Tori and not just have disconnected separate lives. We've got too. People that we've known in the past who have had disconnected lives, and the relationship just suffers at some point, right?

Mm-hmm. , you know, and, but staying connected like that is so incredibly important. And, and one of the things that can keep you connected and then help you reconnect if you have been disconnected is remembering, you know, so I, I like, uh, Hebrews 11, because again, we're talking about right now, we're coming up on Thanksgiving.

Where we're gonna be remembering those faithful souls who left, uh, Southampton and shoot, I forget the, the date says 1620 or something like that. Uh, whenever it was, and they got on the Mayflower and they come this way and half of them die. Yep. You know, it's just crazy. But yet they stuck it out. And in that first Thanksgiving and how God allow.

The, the New Englanders, as they were called, and the Indians to come together and, and help each other survive. Basically the Indians helping us survive. Yeah. And, and so then they, they got together for Thanksgiving, but we remember that every year. And what it does is it just encourages us to keep being faithful right now when we think about the trials that they went through.

And yet, They stayed true to what they felt like God had called them to do. And because of that, we're living in freedom. To this day, we don't have dictator, you know, situation like North Korea or China does. Yeah. Right. We're in America. And so we celebrate that. But I think about Hebrews 11 where, um, we, we hear about the, the Hall of Faith.

It's all these faithful people and we, God gave us a laundry list of these people who were faithful. To him and uh, and, and looking at their faith, even though they went through all sorts of crazy trials and tribulations, they remained faithful right up to the end. But remembering the faith of the past helps us be faithful in the present.

Yeah, and since Thanksgiving is all about remembering, it's just so incredible to know that remembering and remembering back in your own history as a married couple, when you remember back, it is a powerful way to connect with each. Like take this challenge. Okay. So this week is probably gonna be a little bit of a lighter work week for most people.

Maybe not everybody. It's gonna be a lighter work week since it is Thanksgiving. Mm. Sit by the fire if you can outside, or if you're in South Bend, Indiana, like we just were mm-hmm. where there was 18 inches of snow in one night, then you're not gonna sit outside, sit inside, put a fire on, and you guys reminisce with each other.

Yeah. So good. And, and that's gonna connect you. It's like the, the two words that can connect you really quickly Yeah. Is remember when, remember when, and then fill in the blank. Yeah. So good. Yeah. It's a connection phrase. Uh, the definition of reminisce. I look this up, reminisce is indulge in enjoyable recollection of past events.

Mm. So reminisce, which means indulge in an enjoyable recollection of an event that you guys had together. Yep. And that will, that will connect you. Yeah. That's how we Redash member. Right. So for Tori and I, I think about our engagement story. I think about my dad and mom driving up to Torrington, Connecticut in the summer.

I guess that would've been the summer. 99 is when we got engaged. Yep. Summer of 99, I was coaching, no, was it the summer of 2000? Yeah, you're right. It was the summer 2000. Yeah. Thank you to, cause we got married in December of 2000, so it was the summer of 2000. And I knew that I was gonna marry Toya. I just didn't know when.

And I was thinking I would probably propose to her a year or so, you know, after that. But my dad drove up and he's talking with me and he said, buddy, if you know that Tory's the one. Then just do it. And I was like, really? I was like, yeah, just do it. And I remember that night I talked to your brother, Frankie, and I said, Frankie, cuz this is really late.

I'm having this conversation with my dad. And I talked to her brother Frankie, who was still living in the house at the time. And uh, and I said, Hey, do, do you think you can go in and talk to your dad and wake him up and see if, see if he'll come out and talk to me. . And uh, you're like, why? I said, man, I'm gonna ask your sister to marry me.

He's like, oh geez. So anyway, he did it. Frankie went in and he woke your dad up and said, Hey, Jason wants to talk to you. And, and I think your dad knew, you know, and so your dad didn't come out. It was like 1130 at night. Your dad said, no, tell him we'll wait till tomorrow. Oh my gosh. . So I met Frank the very next day on a picnic table in Torrington, Connecticut, and I.

I love your daughter. I wanna marry her, you know, I'm gonna take care of her. And his first question is, how are you gonna provide for her? That kind of stuff. So we got through that and he didn't answer me. He said, I'll get back with you. And I'm like, crap, . I love it. He's making me sweat. He did. He made me sweat.

But then that next day he said, you know, Kristen and I just, we, we believe that you're the one for her and we're not gonna stand in the way of it if it's headed down that path. And I was like, oh, thank you, God. But then that day I sprung into action. Yeah. I remember I went and I think I bought you a dress.

I bought you a dress, a special dress. Um, and then I had it, I laid it out on your bed. You, I think I sent you for like getting your nails done or something. Yeah. But this is just such like a testimony to my parents too. Like you, they like totally got involved too. It was great. Mom was like, okay, what kind of meal?

What kind of meal are you wanting to do? And start jumped into action. And she made flank steak and green beans and just the best potatoes you ever had. Once they were in, they were all in because I told 'em what I wanted to do was I said I wanted, I wanted to do a special candle like dinner for Tori in the church where we first met.

And I wanted to do it in that church. Of course, it was like, it was like on a Saturday, nobody was gonna be in there. And I had it candle lit and I set the table up and I did all this. And Frankie Tori's brother was in on it. So I went and bought her a dress, sent her out to get her nails done. And when she got back, the dress was on her bed and it had like a letter like, I love you.

Mm-hmm. , this will be a night, we'll never forget, kind of thing. And Kristen Tori's mom had made flank steak and made her favorite. And then had brought it over to the church and helped me get everything set up. And I sent Frankie over to the house. I told to, I said, get dressed, you know, we're gonna go on a date.

And she didn't know what we were doing. She thought we, we were gonna actually drive somewhere, but then they lived next door to the church. So I had Frankie walk Tori to the church and then she walked in and I had our favorite song, I think it was, I Do by Mark Wills playing and candlelight and all that.

And then Frankie left, and of course I'm thinking, I want to eat this flank steak. I mean, I love Tory and all, but I'm starving hungry. I was, I was about to get, no wait. I had just signed with St. Louis Cardinals, so I was hungry all the time. I went ahead and just dropped my knee and just asked her to marry me.

Let's do this so we can eat . Yes. So she said, yes, by God's grace that we had an awesome meal. We just crushed some food. And then I remember afterwards I got this idea from a buddy, my named Josh, and, uh, I washed Tori's feet. Mm-hmm. . I was like, I'm gonna do this. This is symbolic. I haven't done it since, you know, and, and so I washed her feet and just said, you know, my job, you know, as a husband or whatever is I want to just serve you as best I can.

It was awesome. Yeah. That memory was so cool. And then we danced and maybe kissed a little bit and then took, took, went back to her house and had a whole little party there. Yeah. For some of her closest friends. And we had ice cream cake from Carve, which yes, there is no better ice cream cake than that.

But even just going down memory lane like that and reminiscing. Just indulging in that. Mm-hmm. . And if Tori and I were just doing this together and doing it in front of a fire or whatever, we would stop and go deep in some of the, some of those details and maybe talk about those things again. And we're recollec, we're recollecting those, we're remembering those, you know what happens at the end of that conversation.

Connection. Yep. So true. A deeper connection than, than what you felt before. It's so true. It's just, it's so important and really it's just conversation. It's like, yeah. Let's talk, let's reminisce. Let's talk about what we used to do. What did we used to do when we were dating? There's so much of that that has been forgotten. Mm-hmm. until you just take the time to remember. It's, it's not that hard, it's just intentionality and, um, it's, it's so important to make time for that.

So this week, Our encouragement to you is to just make time to remember. Mm-hmm. , talk about some things that you used to do that you, you haven't done in a long time and you really enjoyed doing, and some things that you did that made you feel really connected, and some songs that you listened to that you, that you loved, maybe.

Maybe you did what Jason did and you would call in, what was that radio station? Oh my gosh. That was the old days. You'd call in and you'd call, dedicate a song, dedicate a song, and then record it. . Oh God. That's like straight. What was, what was the song that you did? You know, like just start talking about those old times.

It's important to remember, um, you know, even just being at this funeral today, it just all, it reminded me the importance of telling stories with your kids. Mm-hmm. , like, there, there were so many stories told today. And I'm so glad that my kids got to hear some of those stories of, of everyone just reminiscing and talking about, and it, it shouldn't only take a funeral to get to that place of remembering.

Yeah. We should, we should make it a practice and we hope that you guys will this week. Yeah. And I'm gonna share before we let you guys, can I just say this, but this is why I titled, um, this podcast as re dash ing, because I want that to stick in your mind when you see. That remembering is all about remembering.

It's you're connecting again. Yeah. You're, you're bringing connection and you're doing that through remembering you're bringing back to form. Yeah. So reminisce a little bit. Have some fun. Have some fun. Make a little love, do a little dance. Get down tonight, please. Please take that out. . Okay, so it's Thanksgiving week.

So the, my favorite meal of this. Was this thing, this meal called Change Your Life Chicken. It's by the lazy genius. I'm gonna share it with you guys next week though. Okay. Because I feel like this week you're not gonna make it cuz you, you're making your Turkey and you're making, you have leftover, so you fry that Turkey.

Yep. So I'm gonna save the meal for. For next week. This week I wanna just share with you a delicious latte that is so, it's so special. It looks so pretty. And while you have your family over and you're, maybe you've got, you know, college kids home like, like we do this week, and you need something special mm-hmm.

um, to make, and this, it's called, um, well, I, I wouldn't say it's called, it's something that I just kind of stumbled upon. Yeah. And it's, you, you grab some yo. Tea, vanilla, peppermint tea. Okay. That's what Yogi Tea is. Well, no, there's all kinds of flavors, but the, the flavor I'm, I'm wanting you guys to try is vanilla.

Peppermint, okay? Mm. And I, I'll make a little, um, real to show you guys how to do it, but oh my goodness, it's so good. All you do is you just take, um, almond milk and you boil it, and then you let the, this pepper, this vanilla, peppermint. There's something about the. Don't like I've tried. Just peppermint.

It's okay. Vanilla, peppermint ballgame. It's the cat's meow. Cat's meow. Yes, it is so good. Okay, so you're gonna just let that seed for seven minutes, add a little honey, and then if you have a frother, just froth that thing up. Froth it. It froths so well Like froth. I like this. Like, you're gonna frothy the snow, man.

I, I knew you were like wanting to break out in song, but you couldn't figure out what song. Okay. It took me a little bit, but I figured it out and it worked. , um. Okay, so my frother, of course, when I went to make it, it was, it stopped working today. So plan B, which is another great option, throw it in a blender.

If you don't have a frother, throw it in a blender on high. It frosts it beautifully. Or a magic bullet. Magic bullet. It works. What have you, what have you. And I'm telling you, it is so good. And it's so like low calorie. You're only, uh, only used, um, unsweetened almond. Which is like 30 calories, no sugar, and it's actually good.

And I don't like tea and stuff like that. It's special. It's like a special tea little drink. And then to make it extra special, add a little cinnamon to the top of that fry. I thought you were gonna say to make it extra special, take some illium husk capsules with it and it'll clean you right out. But that's not what you said.

That's, that's your jam, not mine. Yeah. But yeah, you guys, I'm gonna make a little real so you can see. It's so good and it's so relaxing. It's caffeine free. So enjoy a little vanilla, peppermint latte with your loved one and just relax after than this long Thanksgiving when you're like, what the heck did I just eat when you've been cooking nonstop and you just need to put your feet up and check.

Yeah. Nice job. All right. We gotta post that sucker. I will. All right. I'm on it. That's remembering in marriage. Stay connected. Thanks for hanging out with us. Listen, happy Thanksgiving. Yeah. Have fun. We're gonna deep fry a Turkey. Tori's dad doesn't. It's all fun. This is the best time of year. It is because you, you, you got something to look forward to when it's over Christmas.

Yeah, exactly. But then when Christmas is over Ooh. It's a butt kicker. That's why, that's why I. I always burn my Christmas tree on Christmas night. That's it is so awesome. We'll talk about that another time. All right. We love y'all. All right. Fun hanging out. We'll see you next time. See ya.