Beauty in Battle Podcast

A Surprising Solution to Your Marriage Problem

November 01, 2022 Jason Benham, Tori Benham Episode 44
Beauty in Battle Podcast
A Surprising Solution to Your Marriage Problem
Show Notes Transcript

Have you ever gotten into an argument with your spouse and you felt like you were getting nowhere? We never have. Ok, so that's a lie. 

In those moments when you feel as though you're at an impasse, there's a surprising solution that will be uber-helpful for you.  

Tune in to check it out. 

So today we're talking about a surprising solution to solve your problems or problem in marriage, we'll go with problems. , , There's always more than one. Oh, but I, I like this solution. So we're not gonna give it to you quite yet because Tori wants to start out with a rockstar song. Okay, You guys, you have to check this one out.

Nothing really matters by Mr. Probe. Probes. How do you spell that? P R O B Z. Yeah. Mr. Probes. This is actually a really good song. Okay. Here's a teaser. It's like

he frees me lot home. So Christy, so that I.

And it goes so perfect with this topic. Yeah. I thought you were gonna let the chorus pick up where he says, I know what it feels like. I know it feels like, Oh it is. It is so good. But I just didn't know how much, how much time we had to let it keep going. I get it. And Tori's over there lips singing. You guys can't see it, but I can.

It's, it's classic. And I guess that is a perfect song for what we're talking about right now, because we're talking about a surprising solution to solve your. So let's say you and your spouse have a problem. Uh, you guys are experiencing some type of conflict. Now, Tori and I talk a lot about conflict, but last podcast we talked about using humor to resolve conflict.

Mm-hmm. Not resolve it, but to manage it. Cuz most, um, most all conflict is not even really resolvable. Right. You just have to manage it. Yeah. It's perpetual stuff, Right. You know, you're gonna be, you're not always gonna be seeing eye to eye on everything and some of those things. You just learn to deal with it.

Right? Right. And you can use humor. Um, it's not always in a right or wrong. You're right. You're wrong. Yeah. It's not always, You don't always land there. So, and that's, you're not supposed to land there. That's exactly right. And, and now when you're in conflict, what Tori and I have discovered, cuz we, we've studied this a lot.

So we've read a lot of things. We've taken even some marriage courses, and so we learned from one of the marriage courses that we took and, and I really like this solution and I wanna share it with you guys because when you are in a conflict, you don't always have to work through your problem. Mm-hmm.

Now we've talked about that, where you manage a problem rather than resolve it. But here, here's a, here's a tactic that I think. You're brilliantly. Yep. I think it's so good. You and your spouse. Let's just say me and Tori, we're arguing. We're, we're, we're not agreeing on something. Here's what we should do.

Put aside your problem. Literally just, just shelve it. Yep. Just table the problem to where you don't even discuss it anymore. So you table your current issue and you do it per, uh, not permanently, but temporarily. Mm-hmm. . Okay. So you don't talk about it at all. Even, even if it's a big. You just decide, I'm, I'm not gonna talk about it.

Because the more you talk about it, the more you guys are, you know, the sparks are flying, right? The more you're going back and forth. So if you're able to just stop talking about it all together and then put it aside, table it. Mm-hmm. for a period of time. So there is no one set period of time as to which one is right, which one is wrong.

But I would say let's go a couple weeks. A couple weeks or a month, Let's put it aside. Let's that problem that we're working on that, that we're dealing with, Let's just put it aside. Let's not even talk about it. Let's not even bring it up. What we're gonna do instead is we're gonna work on two things.

Establishing goodwill toward each other. Yep. And establishing connection. Yep. Then if we have goodwill toward each other and connect. Then the problem, we can bring it back up and we can deal with it where we're on the same team. Yeah. And we're on the same page. So the idea is let's get healthy first.

Yeah. And then we can go back to this because we're not healthy enough to go into surgery right now. We're not, um, healthy enough to operate. Right. And so let's get healthy. Yep. Through connection and what was the second one? Goodwill and Goodwill. and then we'll come back and handle this thing. It's like, um, I remember when my niece Macy was going into heart surgery, she was born with half of a heart.

We had, as, um, surgery was approaching, everybody in the family had to be very aware of, of staying healthy. Right. For Macy, because if you were feeling like you were any kind of cold symptoms or flu symptoms, Macy needed to be healthy for her surgery. So we had to protect her. The flu or different, you know, or Covid or whatever it was around that time, we had to be extra careful because Macy was going into surgery.

Yeah. And she had to be very, very healthy going into surgery. It's the same thing with Lundy. When Lundy had to go in for her eye, they were going to do surgery pretty much right away, and then the guy said, No, there's way too much swelling. Mm-hmm. , she's gotta go home. She's gotta get healthy. That swelling has to go down and then, yeah.

Too much inflammation. The same is true in your marriage. Sometimes the problems that you're trying to work through, you just need to stop, right? Don't work through it. You're not healthy right now. What you really need to do is establish goodwill and connection with each other. Yeah, you cannot handle it right now.

Yeah. So let's get healthy first. So you, you need to get healthy individually, but you also gotta be healthy relationally in your, in your relationship, in your marriage. And so, and that's what we're looking at today specifically in terms of goodwill and connection. So, Goodwill, what are we talking about?

We're talking about having, uh, your spouses best interest in mind, like goodwill is thinking healthy thought. . Like assuming the best. Yeah. You're assuming the best of your spouse. Mm-hmm. and all of us know what it's like when you're married. You're experiencing like some disagreement or whatever, and it may get pretty heated.

We all know what it's like in that moment. Um, you're not really always thinking the best of your spouse, Right? You're, you're like trying to win them to think the way that you're thinking. Right. You know, So it's not always, it's not always easy. So when you table your problem and you say, You know what, We're not getting anywhere with this.

Let's do this, let's table this for two weeks. Mm-hmm. in the mean. Let's go do something that we used to do that was always something that we love doing together. , right? Yeah. So the first thing that you'll do is you establish goodwill toward each other in your own mind. This is where you've got to think healthy thoughts toward each other, and, and Tori and I, you'll hear us say it all the time, the best thoughts toward your spouse are thankful.

Thoughts. Mm-hmm. . So it's not always easy. , but you need to be thinking thankful thoughts. You need to be taking thoughts captive so when the negative comes in, you gotta take those thoughts captive. Yep. You know, and, and a captive thought is not a dead thought. Right. A captive thought is, is a thought that's still alive, but it's no longer in control.

Mm-hmm. , like if, you know, when they go into war and they take captives, they don't, I mean, sometimes they kill 'em, but if you've got a captive, then that captive is locked up in a, in a jail cell. He's not allowed out. He's not allowed to do the thing that he, that he really wants to do. So the same is true with our thoughts.

When the negative thoughts start creeping in about our spouse, the first thing we gotta do is gotta take thoughts captive, right? And then we have to proactively think thankful thoughts toward our spouse or appreciative thoughts or thoughts of, you know, Hey, I like this about them. Right. You know? Exactly.

And I love that you said take thoughts captive, cuz that was really eye opening for me when that was explained to me. It is, it is not that we, um, just replace them with positive thinking. Yeah. That causes cognitive dissidents. Yeah. Where you're like, That's right. You're turning something, you know, and you're like, Oh no, they're not, they're not acting mean.

Everything is great. Everything is awesome. Oh no, it's not great. It's like that causes this cognitive dissidence that's very bad for your brain and confusing and it doesn't. It's like toxic positivity. It doesn't work. Yeah. When you're trying to talk yourself into believing something that's not positive, but it's not, it doesn't line up with the reality.

Right. There's a difference between that and taking a thought captive where you're like, Okay, I don't know exactly what to do with this, or what is true and what is not true, but I know that it's not working for us and for our relationship right now. Mm-hmm. , so I'm gonna lock it up for now and we're gonna deal with it later.

Yeah, and it, it helps. It's very freeing so much, and, and when those negative thoughts come in, here's what is gonna happen. Because remember, we're talking about the solution to solving your problem, which is table your problem, don't talk about your problem. And therefore, when you're not talking about your problem and you're actually, uh, uh, trying to think proactively, thankful thoughts towards your spouse and positive thoughts towards your spouse, what's gonna happen?

That issue is gonna creep up again in your mind. Yeah, but what about this thing? It's like, yeah, okay, so I know my wife is making breakfast for the kids right now, but man, what she said yesterday, you know, or what she did yesterday or whatever. Mm-hmm. , don't think about the issue. Just know that in two weeks, in three weeks, in four weeks, whatever your timeframe is gonna be.

Uh, we're gonna talk about that issue and we're gonna get a chance to do it, but by the time you start talking about it, you'll have goodwill in your mind towards your spouse. That's how you're getting healthy individually, which will help you relationally. So that's the first part, is to establish goodwill.

Did you wanna say anything on that before we jump into connection? Oh, you keep going? Yeah. The next part is establishing connection. So you're gonna table your problem, you're going to establish goodwill, and then you want to establish connection. And these. Healthy marriage habits, like what can we do to connect with each other?

Mm-hmm. , like whatever it is that you can do together for me and Tori, I mean, for probably you two, go for a walk around the block. Okay. Let's do that once a day right. For the next two weeks and talk. Yeah. Mm-hmm. like actually talk. Mm-hmm. about stuff. And you know, there, there might be times where it feels a little awkward where you're walking and you're like, I wish I could, I just want to go ahead and for us to talk through this problem that we've got, but just trust us.

Mm-hmm. , give it some time and just you're fostering goodwill in your own mind and heart towards your spouse. And now you're establishing some good healthy connection points with each other. These healthy marriage habit. By the time you talk about your issue, you're gonna be so healthy. But this connection is all about establishing good marriage habits, right?

Like healthy habits. What's some of our other habits to um, you cooking and me sitting in the kitchen and watching just together? Yeah. Like when I'm cooking, Jason's helping clean and we're doing the dishes together and it's a huge help to me. So I'm feeling really connected and you don't seem to mind doing it.

And so we end up talking about things that need to get talked about. We love to work out together every day. Yeah. Um, that's a really watch college game day. That's one for us. Um, Saturday, Saturdays watching college game day. Super fun. Jason's most relaxed. I capitalize on that. Oh yeah. I'm not thinking about the next thing I gotta do.

Mm-hmm. . So college game day. Oh, that's great. Um, so there are a lot of, whatever your habits are and whatever they can be, just think of some fun things that you guys can do together. Mm-hmm. , and that can include your family, but it, it definitely needs, you gotta have some that don't, that don't include your family.

Yep. It includes just the two of you, you and I have really gotten into, um, Finding a hiking spots around town. Yeah. And, and taking, taking our eNews. Yeah. Go on Google and type in hiking trails near me. Mm-hmm. . And then go get you an enu. A a double double enu from. What's the name of the, is it Enu? I guess that's the brand.

That's the brand. Uhhuh. Yeah. Go get the one. Make sure you get the straps too. Some of them do not come with the straps. . So you'll wanna get the ones with straps or buy them separately. Otherwise, you're gonna show up in the woods with a a, a cocoon. . Yeah. So Tori and I just did a marriage intensive with our good friends and coaching clients, Tanner and Britney Hoyt.

They are awesome. And we, uh, and we posted it on our Jason and Tori Instagram, and you guys can see where we decided that, um, when we're going through this marriage intensive, Uh, we were going to do a portion of it out in the woods. Mm-hmm. . So we hiked deep into the woods and we strapped up our E-news and they were in one.

We were in one and we just went through an entire like two hour section of our marriage intensive. And it was so fun. It was really fun. You gotta go look at, you gotta go look at our, our Instagram and Tory's a great videographer. By the way. , we didn't get a whole lot of pictures or videos cuz we were just kind of in the moment.

We were at the very end. We're scrambling, but we came up with a cute little video. Yeah, we did. Okay, so we're talking about tabling your problem, Set it aside. Focus on goodwill and connection with your spouse. Once you've done that, and once you've gotten to a healthy place, you want to then discuss your issue.

Mm. Okay. So in conflict, two things always manifest. So when a problem arises in your marriage, or actually with anybody, but we're talking marriage, two things always manifest. One is the issue itself. Two is the ability of the person to handle the issue. Mm. So if number two is good, number one will always work itself out.

Yeah. But number two, can't be. if you are not connected with your spouse, right? Like the ability of the person to handle the issue, you can have a great, the great ability and be in a mature place and a mm-hmm and, and just really healthy spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, and physically and all these things.

But if your spouse isn't mm-hmm. , and you guys are disconnected, then the issue is not gonna get resolved, right? You're not gonna be able to manage it. You have to make sure that you're getting your relationship healthy, and this requires you to stop the argument. Yeah, table the issue, come back to it two weeks later, and in the meantime, work on fostering goodwill toward each other and connection.

And when you do, You'll not only be deeper connected with each other, but when it comes time to handling the issue, you're gonna be healthy and be able to work through it. Yeah. And I was actually gonna ask you just before you stated that, um, so how, like, what is, how do you know when your relationship is not healthy enough to move forward?

And what you're saying? I think what you just said is if you can't get past an issue, Uhhuh , if you've tried to talk about it and you're just getting nowhere, that's how you. That you're at, you're at the place where you need to shelf it. Yeah. And oftentimes it's, it's also that you, you've placed your feet down and you're not willing to move.

Mm. Uh, we were talking with another couple today about, um, compromise and how that's a bad word in so many circles, but in marriage it's not. Right. If you are in a position to where you want your spouse to influence you mm-hmm. , and you're gonna allow them to influence you, Right. You're healthy. Right. If you're not.

You're not healthy, okay? Mm-hmm. , You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yep. Like that mindset of no, it is not gonna be this way. Now, granted, You know, your spouse is cheating on you . Yeah, of course. There are some things you do have to put your foot down on. Right. Of course. You know mm-hmm. . Um, but, but by and large, when we're dealing with each other, you know, you're healthy when you're feeling soft mm-hmm.

towards your spouse and you, you're willing to allow them to influence you and influence your decision. Yep. So if you're not feeling soft, and you're not really willing to kind of hear their point and, and not just, you're more interested in being understood Yeah. Than, than listening to understand mm-hmm.

Um, then you really do need to table it. Yeah. Until you're at, to work on that connection. Yes. Until you're in a position to deal with it. Now, for those spouses who are thinking, Well, I can't table these issue, it's too big of a deal. Yeah. Do it. Just, just trust us on this. Get your, get your relationship. , get it healthy, and then just know that you're, you're just gonna table it just temporarily.

Mm-hmm. , you know, this isn't, this isn't something that's just gonna go away. Right. Right. You do not wanna sweep it under the rug. Right. Especially if, if it's a really big deal, you gotta make sure that, you know, if it takes a month for you guys to get healthy where you feel soft toward each other, you've been, you've been laughing with each other.

You're smiling a lot. Then go out to dinner and say, Okay, hey, let's, I think we're ready. Let's go, let's go tackle this and, and listen to nothing really matters, , because it is true. Right? Nothing really matters. Sometimes, you know, right now all that matters is our connection, that we get healthy. So nothing else really matters right now.

We're gonna work on our, the health of our marriage and feeling connected. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. Okay. So I like it. Are we doing a. What are we doing now? Okay, so, um, I'm gonna share, um, a recipe and because we just spent some time with Britney and Tanner. Yeah. I love spending time with people and getting what they're eating and different tips and tricks.

And one of the things that Brit, um, told me about, and I made it the very next day because it's just right up my, my alley. It's this. Drink. I don't even know. It's not a shake because it's, it's, it's not a slushy, it's a drink that you'd pour over ice. Mm. And it's a hundred percent like everything anti-inflammatory.

Okay. And it is actually delicious. Like I thought, Oh, that's gonna be the most disgusting thing. And the reason that she told me about this is because I was telling her that I've been doing apple cider vine. Been trying to do it every day. Um, about a year ago I was playing volleyball with Jake with a kickball on the beach, Dumb idea.

And he slammed it against my finger. And my finger is literally like, it. It didn't work for like a year. It was the weirdest. Thing, it was just like, it's like a grandma finger now. Yeah, it was just . It was like paralyzed, a big, nasty knuckle . It was literally like paralyzed. I couldn't bend it. It was so frustrating.

And um, I went, you know, got all kinds of x-rays and like, I thought I was gonna have to have surgery on it. My. Stinking ring finger and basically he just said, No, it'll get better over time. But, and it did get better over time, but now I have arthritis in this hand and it's just so frustrating. And, and CrossFit and whenever I'm, you know, working.

Even if I'm like doing the girl's hair, it just starts to hurt so bad. So anyways, I started doing apple cider vinegar to help with arthritis, and it has helped tremendously, but it is the most disgusting thing ever to take a taste tablespoon of apple cider vinegar with a little bit of water. It's just, it's horrible.

It's absolutely horrible. It's like, it's like drinking a cap full of draino. It's, it's gonna clean you out, but it's gonna leave you feeling hollow inside . And then there's like the whole debate that maybe it's too much acidity for your teeth. And I, So anyways, I this, she gave me this recipe. I was telling her about doing this.

She's like, Oh my goodness, you gotta try this recipe with apple cider vinegar. And it actually tastes really good. And then it has tons of other ingredients that are anti-inflammatory. So Basical. You just take three cups of water and a lemon. I just take two, two whole lemons because the lemons from the bag are just really small, and I loved it with two lemons.

I assume you take the peel off of the lemon. Yes. You peel the lemon, throw it in the blender with the three cups of water. Um, some tumeric. You just peel like a little thumb, not even a thumb size of ric, and then a whole thumb. Of peeled fresh ginger and then um, two tablespoons of apple cider vinegar. You don't even taste the apple cider vinegar, which is just beautiful.

And then monk, I have monk fruit, she mentioned she does like the squirty bottle of stevia. I had monk fruit. Yeah. Amazing. It made it taste incredible. And then just like a handful of frozen strawberries and you just blend it up and then you pour it over, um, ice. And you just drink it for like several hours cuz it's this huge like yeah, 40 something ounce of anti-inflammatory magic

And you feel like a million bucks. I mean, you've got the, the lemon that has tons of vitamin C and then tumeric is amazing for you. And Ginger is amazing for you in the apple cider vinegar, which, um, it curbs your appetite. And is this gonna take away my bloat? It's gonna take away your blo. It's very good for your gut.

Yeah. So good for your gut and then you. Strawberries were more vitamin C. So like the flu's going around right now. I'm like, I'm gonna be drinking this every day so that I can stay healthy. And um, it actually tasted really, really good. Nice. You can add freshmen. I just went and got freshmen to add to my next batch.

Well, lookie there, would you just look at, It's fine. Oh, by the way, if you have not, um, seen Ed Bassmaster, just look at it on YouTube. You have to do it. Okay. , well just look you. It's Ed Bassmaster. Yeah. If you need look at it, if you need to to laugh, you just need you and your spouse. Just wanna. Um, doing a healthy habit of watching funny stuff.

Yeah. Like Ed bass Master watching go to ed Bass, Master ugly Face and Ed Bass Master that, That should be, that should be our healthy habit, babe. We should be watching something funny every day. Let's do that. I'll just, I'll just say something funny every day. So what Tori and I are gonna do is we're gonna practice what we preach.

Uh, we've got all these problems right now, so tour, let's table 'em. . Let's start having good will toward each other in our minds, and let's go establish a healthy marriage habit. So let's go watch Ed Bassmaster. All right, I'm in done. All right. I think nothing really matters. . Thanks for hanging out with us.

Don't forget rate, review, subscribe, Check us out online, beauty and We got a lot of cool stuff going on. And then, um, you know, at Jason and Tori on all our socials. And then you can follow along and you can watch Tori post these awesome recipes. So, thank you Brittany . Yeah, thank you, Brittany.

All right, we'll see. We'll see you guys next week. Peace.