Beauty in Battle Podcast

Tools For Deeper Connection

September 27, 2022 Jason Benham, Tori Benham Episode 39
Beauty in Battle Podcast
Tools For Deeper Connection
Show Notes Transcript

Every human being was created to connect with others. This is even more so the case in marriage. But disconnection is the natural tendency in our sin-fallen world.

However, there is a way to connect on a deeper level with your spouse - and it starts with being emotionally intelligent about where to look.

In this episode, Tori will share three core "stances" we take to meet our needs and how understanding the one we predominately rely on is the key to connecting deeper with our spouse.


You can learn more about Jason and Tori and their marriage coaching program HERE

So today we're talking about tools for deeper connection. Yes we are. Yeah, we are. Cuz all relationships are about connection mm-hmm so obviously your marriage is about connection. So Tori is gonna share three things that are gonna really, really help you as she shared them with me before and, and our relationship and uh, from what she's learned from studying Ingram and coaching people in that, and she's learned three things that are, that are very helpful.

So we're gonna talk about those things, but before we do w we actually are pivot. A little bit, we're gonna do it for a little while and see if you guys like it. Uh, we're gonna pivot away from the jokes at the, at the start. And we're going to give you guys our favorite song of the week. We are big love song.

Oh yeah. People like, we feel like it helped has helped our marriage a lot to play them often in our home, in the car when we're with each other, when we're not with each other. because honestly, that's what we did more of when we were dating and it got our focus on each other. And so it's been a helpful tool to get us focused on each other in marriage.

And, and do you guys like, do, do you and your spouse have a, have a song? Like what was the first song that you guys had that you would consider? Like your song? We had a lot of songs we did, but I remember our very first one. It was, uh, I do by mark wills. I do cherish you Jason's from Texas. So he got me onto country music.

Yep. It was country. And I think that's a song we had our first kiss to as well. Anyway, I don't think so. So it was, I do by mark wills, but we're not doing I do today. Tori has found a song and I'm gonna let her take it from here. Okay. So we heard this song at a wedding recently and I can't stop listening to it.

I absolutely love it. It's really good. But we're, we're kind of easing you guys in, we're not gonna start with a country song because I know some of you are not country lovers, but you should be exactly because I was not country. Lover at all. I actually hated it. Yeah. Cause I'm from Connecticut. I'm from the north.

We just don't listen to country music. When Jason got me started on it though. It's it was just one of you get hooked pretty quick. So, but we're gonna ease you guys in for some, some of you, our country lover, some of you are not those of you who are not, we are going to ease you into it. by playing a teeny Boker song for you.

no, this is not, this is so Justin beeper just got married. And so he has had some F I think that was a few years ago. Okay. Yeah. Whatever, whatever. somewhere in the last 10 years. Yeah. Um, anyways, he wrote this song or he didn't write it, but he sing, he sings this song for his wife. It's called lifetime.

Yeah. No, it's it's legit. Oh my gosh. It's so good. Oh, are you actually gonna play some, I'm gonna play with my phone. Let's see how this works. I want you guys, I gotta give you a little teaser. It's so.


people see you.

Lifetime. Is that not epic. Oh my goodness. Y'all should have just good. They, you guys should have seen Tori sitting there staring at me and then voicing lip singing lip singing, but without any noise. Um, okay. I love that was funny. I love this one so much. Because it's, you are the li you are a lifetime.

There are some people who come in your, in your life for a reason. Some for a season. Yes, but you baby, you are a lifetime. Okay. I love it so much. Let's dance. Okay. So you guys listen to this song, tell us what you think. If you want dance with your spouse. Yes, you should. I see, I wanted to throw that out. I told Tori, I said, okay.

So if we're gonna go away from the jokes and do songs, cuz this was her idea. I said, then we have to do the song and we have to have a challenge to go along with it. So at some point during this week, while you're waiting for our next podcast, because we know that you're anxiously awaiting. then play that song and dance with your spouse.

Yeah, you can do that if you want to. Yeah. It's fun. You're like, oh, well we don't do that. Well, you should. Okay. and maybe that's the next song we do. I don't dance. There's a country song called I don't dance, but for you, I do see Tori won't let me play, sir. Mix a lot. Maybe it got back, but but that would be a fun one.

Well, please don't act like you don't play that. and there. Epic remakes of that song. Yeah. But anyway, uh, so we're talking tools for a deeper connection. Thank you tour for that song. You, you dance with your spouse to that song. I promise you lifetime. You will feel Justin Bieber. You will feel connected because relationships.

Are all about connection. Now this goes all the way back to creation. So if any of you guys have followed us for a while, you've probably heard me talk about this a lot. When we go back into creation, we look, we look at Genesis one, Genesis two on how, um, marriage began and, and what the original intent of marriage was.

But when God made Adam before Eve came along, when God made Adam. What he made was mankind. So the word Adam meant mankind and mankind involves both feminine and masculine. That's why, whenever God, um, Made Adam aware of his need for someone else. You know, Adam had to be illuminated to his need for Eve before God created Eve.

And, and so, but what was true about that during that time was that feminine was inside masculine. So we don't know what that looked like or what that felt like or anything like that for Adam. But what we do know is that when God created Eve, he put Adam to sleep and he removed a portion of Adam from Adam, and then he created Eve.

So he removed feminine from masculine and now feminine and masculine weren't found in one body. They were found in two bodies because when God said it's not good for man to be alone. It that, that Hebrew phrase alone meant at one. So it wasn't good. That mankind was in one body. So God had to separate mankind from feminine and masculine and put him into two bodies.

Then now that he's disconnected him, he tells him to come back together and reconnect as one. Isn't that powerful, like Genesis 2 24. He said for this reason, A man leaves his father and mother, and is United to his wife. And what God said, what God unites, let no man separate Jesus said that in Matthew 19, when he was talking about divorce.

So God separated. What was once one, so they could become one by choice. So he disconnected them. So they would reconnect voluntarily understanding that we as human beings cannot live apart from connection with other human beings, specifically your spouse. Because when feminine comes back together with masculine and the two become one, they become the full image of God.

So good because the image of God is feminine and masculine, right? Like, God, isn't like a man. He's not a woman. He's not either. He is a spirit, right. That involves feminine and masculine traits. Mm-hmm so that this is just powerful stuff. Now, sin comes into the mix mm-hmm and it brings disconnect. Right.

And that disconnection is something that naturally happens inside of our own sinful flesh, that when things happen in your relationships with people, but in your relationship with your spouse, disconnection happens there. We, we have a, we have a natural tendency on how we move back toward connection. Mm.

So we have this, this, um, innate. Divine, um, desire, desire. There you go. Thank you. Tour this innate divine desire inside of us for connection. Like we need to connect, right? Everybody has it. Yes. Even the worst criminal in the world still has a need for connection because God designed it that way. Yes. Now how is he gonna get that need met?

How is she gonna get that need met? Right. Well, that's where we wanna jump in and, and, and open your eyes to three different stances that we can take when it comes to getting our needs met. Right. And so the Enneagram really is a great tool to help understand. Um, honestly I think the engram, it's just kind of a simple system.

To understanding human behavior. Yeah. Right. So, so many psychologists, you know, go through so much school and they understand human behavior, but then people like you and me, because our school system doesn't really have the space for that. Um, we don't really know a whole lot about why we do what we do, what our, you know, natural tendencies are, what our automat ways motivations, what our motivations are.

And so, um, what I've loved about using the Enneagram is that it's a tool to understand just basic human behavior. Yeah. And, um, and so one of the things that it brings to light is that we all have this, this desire and these human needs for connection. Mm-hmm, . And we all go about getting them met in different ways.

And there are three different ways that we will naturally, um, move towards connection in our own, in our own way. Right. Mm-hmm . And so, um, Before, before you say that, let me just say this real quick. This is not the, uh, the we're gonna talk about the nine different types of engrams and, and, or, well, there's one engram, but there's nine different types.

So we, we did a podcast on that. So you have to scroll back through our podcast list to, to find that today is specifically about three stances that you take, regardless of what your engram number is. Right. And so what's important to understand, again, is that with the, a angiogram, is that you're, you have, there are nine different ways that we're motivated as people.

And we each have one predominant way that we're most motivated. And so that just like if you're right handed and then you're predominantly gonna use your right hand, right. If you're left-handed, you're predominantly gonna use your left hand. And so. Motivation. We're just kind of wired that way, whatever we do predominantly just tends to be the way that we do things.

And so it's the same with the, with our motivations. The way that we are driven or motivated is typically gonna be our go to way of automatically doing things in life. And so. But it's important to remember that we use all nine of those motivations. And so that's why we're not gonna get into numbers today. .

So the three different ways that we typically will try to get our needs met. Are we move towards we move over or We move away. Okay. You're gonna have to tease that out.

Okay. So move towards, this is when you have a, a relational need and you move towards the person to get that need. Honestly, I think that this would be in illogical sense. Um, probably the healthiest way. Yeah. Of moving towards a need. Of course, there's always a pitfall to everything and we, because we have a sin nature, we have to be aware of manipulation.

Am I doing this? Yeah, because I'm trying to manipulate my way. Right. But the, this is when, um, you move towards somebody you're helpful and you're looking to do things for 'em you. Yes. You're looking for ways for connection and you're doing it by moving towards them. Yeah. It's also called the dutiful.

Yeah. And it's, you know, cuz you're um, and it's the one, two and six, if you know you're Enneagram, then it's, you're either the one, two or six, if you're dutiful. And so Jason you're dutiful. Yeah, you are. You move towards me when you have a need, a relational need. You're very helpful. You're looking for ways.

to, to help me and to move towards whatever it is that you want. You're not shying away from making it known what you want, but you're helpful in getting it. Yeah. But you're right. Because a as a, as somebody that, that moves toward to get what they want it very easily could be taken as a form of manipulation.

Mm-hmm if you come home and from, let's say grocery shopping, and I'm doing the dishes, you might. What do you want? and it may be true, but still, so, uh, the, the key would be in me if I'm moving toward, because what I really want is connection with Tori. Right? Right. Even if it's just subconscious, you know, we all want this connection with our spouse.

It's, you know, I don't wanna do something for her because I really want connection. Now. I may not be consciously thinking. But doing that without thinking, okay, now I'm gonna do this because I need her to respond a certain way to me. Right. I need her to then thank me and do all these things. Then, then I am gonna become a manipulator.

Right. But being a true motivator is all about what can I do to bless Tory? Right? What can I do to bless her then it's motivation. It's not manipulation. So, so it's just being aware that you are a beautiful person. You're gonna be moving towards it. And so for you, it's like. You are self aware enough to know?

I don't wanna be manipulative in this. Right. I wanna be, I wanna move towards there because I want connection, but I'm, I, you know, my expectation is, you know, is leveled because, oh yeah, because you're aware. Okay. So moving on you're there's the move over. These are the three, seven and eights in the Ingram and it's the assertive stance move over.

So basically this is, I have this need. I'm gonna move over you to get it. It's a little bit of the bulldozer, the assertive, like I'm going, I need this. I'm gonna get it. Yeah. Right. You, you will do this for me and you will like it. Yep. so it's very assertive. It's the, um, it's also called the independence stance.

It's like, I'm gonna take care of this myself and get it done. Tell you what to do. That type of, uh, kind of bulldozing this, this is something that people who do this need to be aware because you can sabotage your relationship. If you're not, if you're not aware that this is what you're doing, um, it can, it can really hurt people.

Right? So it's so important that we understand that this could be in our nature to bulldoze over people, to get what we want. Right. And then the last one is the. Withdrawn withdrawal move away, which is the move away. This is the four, five and nine, and this is where, where I have a need, but I'm not going to move toward it.

I'm not gonna move over you. I'm just gonna back away, get some space, um, and hope that somebody figures out that I have a need and come AF running after me, basically. Yeah. And this is where, you know, I would honestly say a lot of dudes find themselves is that when, when it comes to connection, And, and then maybe some type of stressor in the life or whatever that they naturally will move away.

Right. They'll withdraw. And this is where it's important for the wife to understand this and then go get him out of his cave. Yeah. Like give him a little bit of time in his cave, but ultimately. Pull him right out of that cave. Yeah. Uh, so using ourselves as an example, you know, I just mentioned that you are in the move toward the dutiful stance, but you often move, move, move away away.

Yeah. Um, and that's because in stress, I, I don't wanna overcomplicate this, but for each engram you go to a different number in stress. And for Jason, he goes to the four and which is in the, the withdrawal stance. And so often I see that from him too. And I real, and when I see that, I know that. He's stressed.

Yeah. And that he's moving away from me. He's withdrawing because of some sort of stressor in life. Um, but just, you know, this is what emotional intelligence is. Emotional intelligence is, um, there's four quad quadrants to emotional intelligence. You wanna tell them? Yes. It's self-awareness that's quadrant run quadrant two is self manage.

Uh, quadrant three is social awareness. This is really important or relationship. And then quadrant four is relationship management. Yeah. So if you, the first thing about understanding these three different stances that you can take, that you want connection with your spouse, that stressors come into your life and into interior relationship.

Posture do you take, right? Which stance do you take? Are you someone who naturally moves toward mm-hmm do you move away? Like you would draw or you move over you, like you take control, like assertive a bulldozer type person. If you're self aware, you recognize what you're doing in the moment. Yeah. Right.

So sometimes. If a stress situation is happening like between me and Tori, she naturally will withdraw. Right. I naturally move toward, but here's what I know that in the moment of a conflict, if, if I'm moving toward her and she's moving away, we'll end up having that distance or pursuer situation where I'm pursuing she's.

Because I need to know that she naturally moves away because I'm aware like socially aware. Right. But I'm also self aware to note that I naturally wanna move toward her. What I need to do in that moment, in that initial moment is I need to stop and be more of a withdrawal mm-hmm like, don't like pursue her yet.

Let her keep her distance for a second. She'll come back. Mm-hmm give her a few minutes or a few hours or whatever it is, she'll come back. And so recognizing that that's why emotional intelligence is so incredibly. I. That you're self aware and you're socially aware, right. That, that helps you manage your relationship.

Yeah. And so what the most important thing to remember is what do you really want? Yeah. What do you really, you really want connection? You need to, that's emotional intelligence is having the ability to know what you want. And you also having agency to move towards that in a healthy way. So it's like, I want, I know what I want is connection because I'm withdrawing, I'm self.

So that's where you're like, okay, I am I'm pausing long enough to see, oh, I'm withdrawing, which means I, I need connection. Right? It's like this, it's kind of like this alarm system that goes off and says, oh, you have. Need for connection. Okay. So is what do I want? I want connection. Well, is withdrawing going to move me towards what I really want and what God put inside of me.

He put this desire inside of each of us, but is what you are doing, really getting you connection. And if it's not, then. Using the, your, your ability to manage that emotion, to manage what, what the response is for me would be withdraw for others. It would be to move over right. To bulldoze mm-hmm and then for some to work really, really hard to, to get people, to see what they need.

And yet that person is just, it's not connecting and it's actually not working. Right. Yeah. And so it's so important to start with what do you. I want connection. Okay. So me withdrawing right now is actually moving me further from connection. So that's actually not working for me. Right. right. Right. And I think for, for you and for me, um, this has been so, so helpful and you know, me as a nine, I tend to withdraw.

And so now when I begin to withdraw, I, and I pause and I'm like, okay, actually what I need is connection. And so I'll move towards you. I start, I start acting. Um, you know, in that beautiful stance where I'm like, okay, um, and I go and give you a hug. And we also were also coaching this other couple and I, so, so incredibly proud of her.

She's also a nine like me. Yeah. And she's been so encouraging telling me the different story. So we've been talking about, you know, it's your in your nature to, to withdraw, but is that really getting you what you want? And yeah. And so, um, she's, um, reached out to me several times and she's. I was super stressed and I just, everything inside of me just wanted to pull away.

So I just went up to, to my husband and I just gave him a big bear hug and his house. Yeah. Which is the opposite of what she would natural. That's the opposite of her stance. Exactly. So she's, she's leaning into it. She's going against what's natural, but she's moving towards actually what she wants. Mm it's.

Like this paradox that we have, like, I want this, but I. Do something that actually pull, gives me the opposite. It's kind of dumb when you think about it, but it's what we naturally do. And I remember, uh, you asking her, how did it turn out? How did your husband respond to that? Because he was in a, in a kind of withdrawing situation.

Yeah. And, uh, she said it was amazing. It was great. You know, he responded perfectly, right? Yeah. It was awesome. Like it was, it was the connection that they needed. And, um, you know, she's like, I'm like, well, what did it feel like for you? And she's like, it actually was like what I needed. Yeah. Like I felt comfort.

She felt security. It was ex you know, she was moving towards. So, um, sorry, I'm gonna take it back a notch for each stand. So like for the nine somebody who's gonna be within the withdrawal stance. It's I it's important to understand. That when you begin to withdraw and you start to recognize what you're doing is, is actually pulling you away.

What do you need to do? So for the nine, they often need to be assertive. Right? But then for somebody who's in the assertive stance, like the three, seven and eight, they often need to. Pull back mm-hmm and, and, and wait and see what the needs around them are. Yeah. Right. So we all are because we all are so different.

We're all gonna move, move towards it in a totally different way. Like for you. Um, if you know, you, you like what you said, sometimes you actually have to kind of hold back a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. So that you're not. Like, like that little puppy, that's just wanting to be, wanting you to let him in and sit in the lap.

And it's like, Rocky, our dog I'll be doing a podcast. Uh, and, and if he knows that I'm in the, the room where we do a podcast and he happens to walk up outside that window and he sees me. He'll jump up on that window and start scratching the screen and all sorts of stuff. And now I know I'm supposed to train him better than that.

but he is a pursuer. Oh yeah. Like he is a pursuer. Well, you know, if I'm not careful, I could be like that to Tori, especially in a stressful situation where. where I want. Just let's let's connect as a one. I know several other buddies of mine ones as well. They do not like any type of relational discord.

So if there's any, even remote thought that there could be a disconnection, it's like, okay, let's talk, let's get this. Let's figure this out. Mm-hmm let's work this out. But sometimes you just need pause for a little bit, right? Before you do that. Otherwise you do end up looking like Rocky, right? Yeah. Right.

So if you ultimately really want connection and that's not really working, then you, you have to hold back. So, and then for the assertive, like moving over people, bulldozing people, that's not gonna bring connection. You're gonna make people feel unsafe. You're gonna make people. Anxious, right. Like there, you have to be aware of what you're getting when you do that.

Yeah. And, um, and then, you know, for me, within the withdrawal stance, I actually have to be learned to be more assertive. Yeah. You do. Like instead of withdrawing, I need to be. Use my voice, you know, we used to tell our kids all the time, use your words. yeah. Cause like they just start whining or crying and you're like, I, I don't know what you want right now.

You're gonna have to use your words. Right. And so for me, you know, it's gonna look like using my words more, actually, this is kind of what I was hoping to do. This is what we, I was think thinking I wanted. Right. And so, um, it's, it's just using that self-awareness and, and really always asking the question.

What do I want, I want connection. Is this, is this actually bringing connection or is it bringing disconnection? Yeah. And how do I self correct? Yeah. So those are our three move toward, move away. Move over, move toward is the dutiful move away is withdrawn. Move over. Is the assertive. it's good for you to know which one you naturally do when stress enters, because the question is, what do you really want?

Yeah. What you really want is what you really need. And that is connection. So make sure that you're making God gave God, gave you that desire. It's a good desire. It's a good thing that you, that you want that. So just don't sabotage it. good job. Um, okay. We're gonna do a recipe that I's I'm sharing. Let, so, um, this week was the first official week of fall.

Mm. I think it was the 22nd. Yeah. L told me that and I was like, oh, it's been fun outside. Yeah. And it actually got us so good because he dropped the temperature from, it was like 92. To 72. Oh yeah. One day, one day. And so that's all I needed intense to get on the fall train. And so this week I made chili, that was my favorite chili.

That was my favorite thing that I, that we had this week, because it was so fallish. Yeah. You gotta have a good bowl of chili during the fall season. Yes. Um, so I will share. The recipe that I did. I'm sure you all have some great chili recipes too. And if you have one that you just are like, it is amazing.

Share it with me, cuz I'd love to try it too. Yeah. Um, but I'm gonna tell you, so, uh, when it comes to chili, often you get a little bloated yes. Cause the beans and the, yeah. And so, but releasing that bloke feels really good. Gosh, sorry. So I kind of, I went a real healthy route this, this year and it turned out amazing if I do say so myself, talk to me about it.

I, well, you had it, babe. What are you talking about? Well, you're gonna tell them. Yeah, but you're acting like you didn't need it all week. It was good. I like six bowls. That's why I can tell you releasing the bloat is a great experience. Um, so. Yeah, I'll share the recipe. I did a little real and I'll share exactly how I did it, but basically I did all fresh vegetables.

um, I would highly recommend a good C oh gosh. Yeah, because it's just a ton of chopping. I love this full star chopper that I got. I think it's like 20 bucks on Amazon. Yeah. And it is all star. It has two different settings you can make 'em big or small. And so it's just a bunch of onion and green pepper.

And fr I did just fresh tomato. So you can easily swap that out for canned tomatoes, but I was trying, yeah. Caned tomatoes have way too much salt in it. Yeah. Jason, just with the whole bloating thing that can't do the can't do too much canned good. So we, we stayed away from the can this time and it turned out so good.

Um, the key to a good chili. If you're doing it from scratch is you need to counterbalance the spicy with a little sweet. Yeah, you do. And so it needs a little bit of sweet. You can do. I did coconut sugar in mine. Mm-hmm you could do maple syrup, a little dab of maple syrup, or you could just do straight up sugar.

That's a chili hack. It is a chili hack. I'm telling you guys I've made chili since I don't know, 25 years. Now, if you don't put a little something sweet, it's not. That is true. One of the, like my, my grand, uh, my great-uncle makes an amazing chili. And he puts in the, um, the pork bell. What is it called? Like the pork and beans.

Yeah. Which has the sugar, uh, brown sugar in it. Yeah. And his chili is always the very best, but then when I try to make it healthy, I'm like, oh, this, and that's what it is. Yeah. You eat a little bit of sugar. Okay. So I'm gonna share that one. And then I made. Cornbread to go with it. And I did that as healthy as possible with like avocado oil and organic corn meal and an organic commute flour.

So you can actually make a, an amazing cornbread, pretty healthy if you, if you want to. . Yeah, it was good. Take that cornbread. Smash it up. Throw the chili in there and then put you a little bit of avocado on there. Oh yeah. Avocado sour cream. Yes. Chives, not the sour cream. Oh, sour creams for the birds. You gotta have sour cream, a little bit of Parmesan cheese, put some chives in there, some cilantro and then connect and then throw on some Justin Beebs play lifetime.

And then, you know, make sure you woo down the chili. And then dance in the kitchen. After afterwards, some people come in your life for a reason. Some people come in your life for a season, but baby, you are, a lifetime. It's as cheesy as it gets right out air, ladies and gentlemen. . All right. Thanks for hanging out with us.

Uh, don't forget to rate, review, subscribe, share this out if you can. Um, also Tori and I have, uh, Lord willing here in the next few months, we're gonna have a really fun five day challenge for you. It's a challenge for deeper connection. And, uh, and I think you're really gonna like it. So think so too. We'll give you more info on that as it comes out.

But in the meantime, thanks for hanging with us. We love you eat that chili release that bloat .