Beauty in Battle Podcast

Connection Through Communication

August 16, 2022 Jason Benham, Tori Benham Episode 33
Connection Through Communication
Beauty in Battle Podcast
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Beauty in Battle Podcast
Connection Through Communication
Aug 16, 2022 Episode 33
Jason Benham, Tori Benham

The most important thing you can do in your marriage is learn how to communicate properly to your spouse. Why? Because communication is all about CONNECTION!

When you dated your spouse you had no problem communicating. But then you got married and all of a sudden communicating became hard.

But it doesn't have to stay that way!  In this episode we'll dive into two familiar stories in the Bible that shows the power of communication, and draw out three key elements that are important for us to understand if we're going to connect with our spouse. 

Good communication starts with a clear understanding of three things:

1) You need to understand that God brought you together.
2) You need to understand you and your spouse are wired differently.
3) You need to understand that communication is often difficult.

Need help with your communication? Then join one of our coaching programs. You can learn more HERE

Oh, and one more thing - if you listen all the way to the end Tori will let you in on a little food recipe she discovered was a gamechanger for our family! Just for fun!

Show Notes Transcript

The most important thing you can do in your marriage is learn how to communicate properly to your spouse. Why? Because communication is all about CONNECTION!

When you dated your spouse you had no problem communicating. But then you got married and all of a sudden communicating became hard.

But it doesn't have to stay that way!  In this episode we'll dive into two familiar stories in the Bible that shows the power of communication, and draw out three key elements that are important for us to understand if we're going to connect with our spouse. 

Good communication starts with a clear understanding of three things:

1) You need to understand that God brought you together.
2) You need to understand you and your spouse are wired differently.
3) You need to understand that communication is often difficult.

Need help with your communication? Then join one of our coaching programs. You can learn more HERE

Oh, and one more thing - if you listen all the way to the end Tori will let you in on a little food recipe she discovered was a gamechanger for our family! Just for fun!

So today we're talking about communication. Um, we, you, we can't ever talk communication enough. True in all's true. Honesty's we, uh, we, we did a podcast on communication, uh, several months ago, but we want to hit it again. Uh, Tori and I are in the middle of mentoring, a couple, um, some really good friends of ours, um, based in Florida.

And we were talking with them about the importance of communication and they were telling us that's one of the things that they. They wanna work through. Um, and so Tori and I've been talking a lot about communication and, and what we need to do with it. And, uh, and so we thought, you know what, let's just knock out a quick podcast.

Let's do it. let's do it. and we should add that we've got, um, a lot of kids over right now and we're just praying that this room will stay quiet. We've got our two oldest are leaving for college. Um, One on Thursday and one on I think Saturday. Yeah. And so they all have their friend groups over to, to kind of like, you know, have their last rah and, uh, it's kind of hopping at the Benham home right now.

Hey, you know, what's funny is I, I, I remember when Tori and I first got married, we said, Hey, we want art to make our house, the place that our kids really wanna be and all their. So, you know, by God's grace, we did that, but sometimes it kind of kicks you in the butt a little bit. Like why did we say that?

Why are all your friends over here all the time? No, it's worked out good, but tourist's exactly right. We were praying just before we got on this podcast. And I said, Lord, I pray, the kids would keep it quiet because Allie who's 18. Who's gonna be going to Liberty. Uh, she, we walked in and her and three of her friends, no, four of her friends were playing like Rocky music and they're all dressed up as like boxers.

Yeah. They were dressed up as boxers. Next thing I know. They're videoing each other boxing in the living room with the music blaring. I'm like y'all girls are weird, man. this is crazy, but I love it because they're they've they have been like best buds. um, I, I think when they were like in, I don't even know, maybe like fourth grade.

Yeah. And they called themselves the squad and they all met through our homeschool co-op that we were in and they are the, they're just like the coolest friend group ever. They have stuck together. They do like all these fun things together tonight was. Rocky night or something. They wanted fun. I don't even know.

I have no idea. It was like a spur of the moment thing. And then next, um, I think it's next. No, no, it's not next weekend. It's like in three days they are all gonna get together and dig up these like letters that wrote to each other when they were like in the fourth, when they, I don't even know what grade it was and they.

Um, wrote what they thought, where they thought they'd go to school and where they think they would be. And you know, when they graduate. Yeah. And, and like, I don't, I don't even know exactly what one of, um, one of the girls' moms came up with this idea and it was such a great idea and they had to write out all these different things.

And then they're gonna read 'em to each other that, you know, the year that they graduate high school. Yeah. You know, that's funny because that's what you and I did when we were. Yeah, that's right. And I think I, I put it in the book. Um, it wasn't, it was in a movie somewhere. Yeah. Where we wrote a note to each other.

I wrote one to Tori time capsule. Yeah. That's and she wrote one to me when we first started dating because we, we knew we were gonna get married. It was just one of those deals. I was already outta college and I just knew I met, I met my wife, so I wrote her a letter. She wrote me one, we put it in. Like a plastic bag or something.

We didn't have a time capsule and we put it in the box. It was like a makeshift time capsule. I think it was a recipe box. And then we buried it behind the church and then we got engaged like three years later, dug it up and read it. I was just, you know, Tori played it safe in her. That's a hopeless romantic.

I, I went all in on that letter. I was like, yeah, you didn't, I'm gonna marry you. You're my boo you're woman of my dreams. Tori was kind of like , I think we'll make it. Maybe we can be friends if we can't or it's not, something will always be friends. I'm like, yeah, I hate you. anyway, but you know what? It's funny because, uh, we're doing this podcast on communication and when you're dating.

Communication's easy. It is. Mm-hmm , you know, uh, and it, well, yeah, it, it kind of like starts out that way. It seems. Yeah. It's easy because, uh, communication, the ultimate goal of communication is connection. Mm-hmm . But what happens is we get married, we get busy, we jump into routine and communication is no longer about connection.

It's about information exchange. Yeah. That where you and your spouse become nothing different. Then social media or, uh, a Google search. It's just all information. It's like, uh, the kids have to go to soccer. What time are you picking? 'em up? What's for dinner? What are we gonna do? What time are you leaving for work?

When do we, when are we going on vacation? How much money we got in the account? And it's all information exchange, which, I mean, we have to talk about information, but the ultimate goal of communication is not the exchange of information, but it's connection. Yeah. And we lose that. Oftentimes when we get married because of conflict, right?

Conflict changes things. It, it, it, it brings, uh, it, it moves you from emotion to transaction and we get that. And then it puts you back into emotion. Yeah. And it's just a freaking roller coaster sometimes. it is. So we, wait, wait a second. Do you feel like men, it becomes, it's more transactional. And for women it's more emotional, I think probably in a conflict.

Well, it depends if, if you've ever come at me, you know, accidentally and kind of attacked my manhood then maybe it would be emotional for me. But I think typically in a conflict, I think I would probably migrate towards being pretty transactional. Okay. Yeah. In terms of my first reaction. I I remember, um, this guy, I forget his name, but it was at the beginning of our marriage.

We, we did a video series and it helped me to understand just the difference between a man and a woman and how we think and how our brains are wired just so differently. But we are the, it was such an amazing compliment to each other. , but we do have to recognize that we do think very, very differently.

And, um, he said that a male brain is like a vitamin box. Oh yeah. And there's just all these little boxes for their thoughts. Yeah. It's compartmentalized. That com everything is compartmentalized. Everything is separate, nothing touches. Yeah. And we love it that way. Yeah. And then a woman's brain is like spaghetti.

Yeah. Just like, think about, and he had like spaghetti, it was a video series and he had this just thing of spaghetti and everything is twisted together and touching. Yeah. And that's how a woman thinks everything just connects. Yeah. Yeah, it does. And one thought to the next, so it's really hard sometimes for a woman to think transactionally.

Yeah. Because everything connects. Um, but I think that as I have. Um, my dad always says, keep the main thing, the main thing. He said that to me, like, I, I remember my dad saying that, like, I feel like he said it every single day of my life. He still says it. He does, he always says, and he lives next door, the main thing.

And even when I would communicate with him, he would say tour, keep the main thing, the main thing, because I would always get off track and like, just start going and like, you know, have this squirrel moments. Like, what are you trying to say? Yeah. What are you keep the main thing, the main thing. And, um, I think about that all the time.

Like there, I do have the ability to do. I do have the ability to hone in my thoughts and to recognize what the main thing is. Yeah. And keep the main thing, the main thing. Yeah. It just doesn't come natural. That's right. But we, but I do have that. I do have that ability and the main thing for communication.

is connection. Yes. A hundred percent such an it, it's such an simple thing that the, the purpose for communication is connection. That's right. But it's so easy to get lost in translation. Yes. And, and the, the heart of connection is love. Yeah. Like that's why, when you were dating, how well did you communi.

99% of us, we communicated just fine. And we didn't have to read any books. We didn't have to have any five step plan. We just knew how to communicate. Why? Because we were in love, wanted to connect and the more you communicated and the more you connected and the more you fell in love and the deeper your love grew.

Yeah. Right. So, but before you jump into it, we like just, we just went yeah. Straight in and we didn't start with our joke. Oh, I forgot about the joke. Yeah. Thank you, Tori. So real quick, I wanna tell you a joke from Doris M. Doris M Doris M I don't know her last name, but she sent, oh, come on Doris. okay. It's Hey.

Oh, did you already Jack it up? You jacked it up. Hey, Tori, this is oh, okay. Wait, that's not the joke. No, that's the actual email. Oh my gosh. Okay. Why is dark SELT with spelt with K and not C dark cuz then be Dar. Because you can't see in the dark. Okay. Doris, I love it. Do you rocked it? That's awesome. Doris M right.

There you go. So thank you. That was a really funny, that was a doozy. I think the best joke was you reading the, the actual text. That was rough dear to, oh, wait, hold on. That's not the joke. but that's why people love you tour. Mess up, mess up the joke. Yeah, that's the best. You know, what we also talked about, we just got back from vacation and, uh, with amazing food.

Yes. It was such good food. And we talked a little bit about how we wanna introduce more food to this podcast. Yes. Because you and I are such foodies Uhhuh. We literally talk about food all the time. Yes we do. And cause food is about connection too. Food is about connection. Yeah, it absolutely is about connection.

And Tori is Italian. I am Italian. And since she's Italian, she cooks like a beast. Oh, seriously, she's got some great stuff. Oh, and you know what, let me just say this real quick. Okay. So Tori and I are rolling out our coaching program. So you can go to beauty and You can see we've got four different plans.

Um, and we've got, uh, some coaching couples, you know, that that will help. And we're just really excited about it. But anyway, one of those, um, four plans that we have is. Um, an intensive program where you can actually come in for three days and spend it with us and Tori and I are excited about that. Now we're probably only gonna take about four couples a year, so we've, we've already got one taker.

So if you want in, on that, you better hurry up and get in on that. But Tori. We'll jump out and, and then take our daughters and cook a meal or two. And then I told Tori, I wanna hire a chef. She's like, well, I kind of wanna cook. I'm like, I know I wanna cook. Yeah. She wants to cook. And I'm like, let's hire a chef, but talking about really good food we're foodies.

So Tori, I really think it would be so fun if she can like. I don't know. No, I think that think of something fun to tell, you know, I think it's, we'll talk about podcast. We need to talk about some of our food adventures and things that we're eating because, and also, I wanna hear from you guys, not just jokes, but I wanna hear about like the best thing you ate during the week.

Ooh, gosh. Okay. Well, can I, can I say that real quick? We're talking about food and we feel like we need to bring you guys into this love for food. Yes. And, uh, we're gonna talk communication. I promise you it's. um, but I just have to tell you, Tori and I were at the, uh, what was the name of it? The excellence?

No, the finest resort in it was called finest, um, in plyo mu Harris mm-hmm in Cancun and they had this restaurant called Domo, D O M M O. And they. A 45 ounce Tomahawk, long bone ribeye. Mm-hmm with lobster tail on the top and I ate it and I could not believe it. Now I have a list of steakhouses that I've eaten at across the country and a few around the world and I rate steaks mm-hmm

And so I just, I'm an unofficial steak connoisseur. And, uh, and I actually gave that a 10. Oh my goodness. Yeah, that says a lot. I gave it a 10. The bark was perfect. Tell 'em how they presented it. Oh, it was incredible. The, the long bone, it was so heavy that they had it sitting on a pole and it was chained up.

And the, the chef brought it out to me. yeah, it was, he was so proud of it. Literally chained up. Yeah. Oh, like there's nothing like seeing, I wanted to bring home the bone to Rocky so bad, but yeah, it was kind of gross. Yeah. The bone of a ribeye chained up to a post and then you get to eat it. Yeah. It was straight caveman style.

I felt like Fred Flinstone, but anyway, we are gonna talk communication. Um, now if you listen to our podcast, that was several months ago on communication. You'll remember we had a little five steps to it. We're not gonna talk steps tonight, but let me remind you of what these steps were. It. Learn L E a R N listen, empathize, ask questions, take responsibility, and never undervalue what the other person says or feels.

So if we do those things, that's really gonna help, but, but we don't wanna be step tonight. Mm-hmm although learn is great, but I wanna dive into the scripture real quick and give some theological perspective to this. Um, as, as we talk more about communication, because in Genesis 11, you guys all know the story of the tower of B.

It was just incredible. How in Genesis 11 verse one, the opening verse shows us how important communication is. It says this. Now the whole world had one language and a common speech. Wow. Now we know where this story is going. We know that ultimately God is gonna bust some things up, but they all had one Lang one language, and then they ended up coming together and they're like, Hey, let's make some bricks.

Let's build a tower. We're gonna build it up to. Now, essentially this is the same sin that Satan had. You know, Satan is like, Hey, I'm gonna take the throne. These people are like, Hey, we're gonna build it up to heaven because you know, essentially, you know, we can be God's to ourselves or whatever we're gonna, we're gonna, we're gonna do what God does.

And so it it's pride. It's lots of things, you know, it's, it's wanting to be their own God, it's all sorts of stuff going into this. And God's like, ah, this isn't a good thing. So in verse five, after they had built halfway through. The tower of babble or maybe a third of the way through whatever it was. God, let them work really hard for a really long time before he busted things up.

I always thought that's pretty funny. Like he could have stopped it before they started it. Yeah. But he went ahead and just let them build it and build it and build it and worked so hard before he ruined it. isn't that crazy? It is crazy. That's what happens when you build something without God in it. So, but in verse five of Genesis 11, listen to this, but the Lord came down to see the city and the tower, the people were.

The Lord said, if as one people speaking the same language, they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them. Stop right there. Did you just catch what God said about the importance of communication? If they, as one people can speak the same language, which means they can communicate with each other in a way where they all understand what's going.

Then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them. Now. Why, why is that true? Because God made us in his image and he's a communicator and we do have strength and power inside of us. Wow. So what God did was he said, you know what? I gotta, I gotta bust this up. So that's what God did. And, but it just shows us how powerful communication is, is that if you and your spouse can get on the same page, nothing is impossible.

What is it that you guys wanna accomplish as a family, as a, as a relationship? It's not impossible. It's totally possible. Whatever it is, that's possible. So long as you can stay on the same page 

so God says, you know what? I'm, I'm gonna bust this up. Then look verse, well, I don't guess we're not doing a Bible study. I do that on my Thursday morning, live streams, but verse seven it says, come down, let us, let us go down and confuse their language so they will not understand each other. So God knows that if I'm gonna cause them to no longer flourish, to no longer be able to do this thing, that they've set their heart on, I gotta confuse their language.

So the Lord scattered them from there all over the earth and they stopped building the. That's exactly what happened. Okay. Now God scattered him at the tower of babble by confusing the language. Do you know how he brought 'em back together in acts two Pentecost, tongues of fire come down and all of a sudden the apostles there and other people, and some of the other disciples, there are speaking tongue with tongues, right?

And these tongues were. Were languages that all the foreigners who the, who were there for Pentecost at, at, in Jerusalem could now understand what they were saying in their own native language. But they knew that the, the apostles that the disciples there and the apostles, they weren't, they weren't there, that they weren't their nationality.

So how in the world were these people able to understand them? Wow. Except by one massive. Miracle that had just happened. Yeah. That's what Pentecost was all about. So babble busted up the language. Yeah. Pentecost puts it back together. And then we see in the rest of acts, the church coming together. Wow.

And the church gathering together. Now, then we know that the church was supposed to be scattered and go throughout the earth. But yet at the same time, we can be one in one spirit and one mind. Even with people who are a foreign language because of the holy spirit, we can communicate with each other deeper than any other human beings can without it.

Wow. So that's how important communication is. And now we have the keys to the kingdom, right? So that that's a biblical foundation for how important communication. and how powerful it is in your own relationship that even God would say, if you guys stay on the same page, you realize there's nothing, that's impossible for you.

Yeah. That that's, that's crazy to me. That good news that God said that yeah, there is nothing like these people, they can communicate that the sky is the limit. Like they can do anything. Yeah. And that just show just the power of communication. Yeah. It makes me wanna be more disciplined. and more strategic in how I communicate.

Yeah. Knowing that there's that much power there. Yeah. That's true. You know, like I wonder just how complacent we get or just how lazy we get in our communication style. Mm-hmm that we, we don't accomplish what we can really accomplish through communication. Yeah. In our marriages and our in relationship with our kids.

And I, and I want to come back to that point. You just made about being disciplined in my communication, because that's really important, but what I wanna do first. is, um, it's talk about four things, actually, three things that, that I gather from after I read this about the tower of babble and I looked at Pentecost and it's all about communication.

I looked at three things that I think when we look at the Bible that we need to understand about communication, that will help us communicate better. Mm-hmm okay. So the, the first thing is that you need to understand that God brought you and your spouse together. Like you really can't. Ever forget that yeah.

You know, you could forget a lot of stuff, but you can't forget the fact that God brought you and your spouse together. Yeah. Like you, you just, if you don't start here, then you're gonna abandon each other when the going gets tough. Right. Like what happened at the tower of babble when they stopped understanding each other?

What did they. Separated, they separated mm-hmm right. But then at Pentecost, the holy spirit gave us the ability as believers to communicate spirit, to spirit in a very special way because of the holy spirit. And what should that make us do? Unite come together, connect, right? And that's the goal of communication.

So first you've gotta understand that God brought you together. Second, you gotta understand that you and your spouse are wired differently. Mm-hmm. This is where I want you to talk more about what you just meant, or when you were talking about being disciplined in the way that you communicate. Because knowing that you're wired differently is actually a really good thing because it, it forces you to need your spouse.

Right. You know, If we were both wired the exact same, well, then one person isn't useful, right? Like you need two people wired completely different so that you can have the perfect balance. Like even the Bible has balancing truths, right? There's so many balancing truths in the scripture. There's one scripture that says, don't answer a fool.

According to his folly. There's another scripture right after it says, answer a fool, according to his folly. Like which one is it? Well, the holy spirit will tell you which one it should. Yeah, but there's balance. I think the same is true in our relationships that we need to understand that, that our, that you and your spouse are wired differently because you need each other.

And oftentimes I think when going back to, uh, how a woman's brain is more like spaghetti, right. And a guy's brain is more like compartmentalized vitamin box mm-hmm I think sometimes. Some women might be verbal processors. Mm-hmm because it's, it's a plate of spaghetti. Right. And if they're not careful, they might lose their husband.

Yeah. Just in, in the processing. Yeah, exactly. Um, it makes me think about when we were writing our book, beauty and battle, and we began to kind of research. Um, writing methods and reading, you know, different books that could help us to, to write better. And then we were sending it to editors and editors were sending back their, uh, critiques.

And one thing that we learned very quickly is that you need to less is more the less, the least amount of words you can use in a sentence, the better. Yes. You want to simplify what you're saying? And. I think that that is true in communication as well. The more words we use, the more it is lost in translation.

Mm. And I think that if, if we know what we are, what we want to communicate, and then we can put, uh, then we can simplify what we're trying to say so that we're not just bombarding our spouse or whoever we're yes. Communicating with, with so many words that they don't, they're just completely lost. Mm. And so, um, I, I think that this is a good strategy in communication as it is in writing.

Yeah. That we really need to, um, to simp. What we're trying to say. Um, can I, can I say something about that?

Yeah. Winston Churchill. Uh, he had written this letter and he said one time, he said, if I had more time, I would've written you a shorter letter. Winston Churchill. Really? He said that I love that. That's that's really good. Yeah. Like, like that, but there's, I think there's a lot of people that have said that before, but Winston is, is attributed to that quote.

He's like, if you would've given me more time, I could have simplified it even more right than what I did. Wow. That's good. Um, um, Tom Barry, one of our favorite couples, Tom and Carolyn Barry, we would love to have them on one day. They're just one of those model couples that you guys would love them. Yeah, they're awesome.

Um, He always led the testimony time for our small group. And he would always say five BS, everybody. Remember the five BS make or, um, be brief, be brief, be brief, be brief. love Tom for that. Yeah. And it was so true. It's like, alright. Figure out what you're trying to say before you say it. Yeah. When you stand up to give testimony, it's not time to verbally process.

Yeah. You need to have already process. Yeah. And I think that sometimes women are more verbal processors. I'm actually, I don't know that I'm a big verbal processor as, as a lot of women are. But, um, I do think that women in general are more from kind of what I've, what I've read. And what I've learned about in communication is that women are more verbal processors and it's not always the case.

Um, but. When you're a verbal processor, sometimes you can just really lose your husband and especially if he's like, you know, in a, in a stressful time at work or. Something like that. And, and he comes home and you've got to get 20,000 words out. Yeah. That can be, it can be tough. Yeah. And men can be verbal processors too.

And it's just being, self-aware enough to know if, if that's kind of your style is that you just need to talk everything out. And if that's the case, a lot of times, men just kind of disengage and it's so overwhelming, the amount of words. Yeah, that they kind of continue out and then they miss the really good points mm-hmm and that they miss the whole point.

Really yeah, because there's just so many words. And so, um, it's, I think it's a really good practice for women who are verbal processors or even a man who's a verbal processor that, um, if there's something that you really, you feel like your spouse is not getting. and that you've tried to communicate it before and it's just, they're not getting, maybe you need to verbally process it outside yeah.

Of them. Yeah. With your friend, mom, or your friend, and kind of work through what you're trying to say and what you actually want your spouse to hear. Um, and then make it brief, baby. Yeah. Be a brief baby and, and, and processing it. I mean, that's what the Psalms are all about. It's it's the, the Psalmist is processing his feelings and emotion.

that journal, you know, do whatever it takes to consolidate your thoughts. Mm-hmm now of course, this is not, this is not full proof. This is not, this is just a rule of thumb. It's not like you have to do this every time, right? Like sometimes you, yeah, you need to process it through with your spouse. Mm-hmm , you know, if, if it's a wife and you, you verbal processor and you.

And you really want your husband in on this. And, and of course he wants to be in on it then process with him, but let him know you're processing. Right. Okay. Because if you don't let him know you're processing, then he's, he's gonna be thinking of how he can help you with it. And if you just give him so much information, he's not gonna know, and then he's gonna end up disengaging exactly like what Tori said.

Uh, but if you give him a warning and say, Hey, I'm. I just need to process this. I don't need anything other than you just listening. Right. Well then he's gonna, because remember you're his coach, right? Right. So he's, he's gonna be a much better listener for you, but it does help if, if you are a verbal processor for you to have, uh, some people in your life that you can process some things through so that, you know, there are times when your husband just needs the cliff notes and those it's very helpful.

Right. It's extremely helpful. So understanding that you guys are different, uh, is, is a, is a good thing. And the third thing that's really good to understand is that communication is supposed to be difficult. Now, it sounds weird, right? Like cuz when you're dating it, it's not that difficult, but then you're in love and now all of a sudden conflict comes in and then routine comes in and now all of a sudden you do have to kind of navigate, navigate some things.

Yeah. And the reason why I say that. God communicates with us. I mean, he communicates with us in several different ways. We've got general rev revelation, you know, in terms of like looking out at the mountains and the skies and, and the clouds and the rain and the grass and the oceans and all that kinda stuff.

God is like speaking. He's always speaking and we can see his handy work at all times. Then there's special revel. That's through scripture, right? We've got the scripture and then God also speaks to us through prayer and he speaks to us through dreams and visions and those types of things. And he speaks to us through our pastors.

He speaks to us, to us, through other people. But when you read the scripture, let me ask you this. How often do you fully comprehend it? You don't, you, don't always, it's hard. Yeah. It's difficult to understand. Right. Well, why would God do that? Cuz he wants you to dig. Mm. He wants you to try to understand mm-hmm because in the trying you're becoming stronger.

Right. So when communication gets difficult, don't run. Yeah. That's from, it's such a good point. Embrace it. Don't don't be afraid. Yeah. Of the conflict or afraid. Yeah. The pain of it, of communication. Yeah. Cause it is hard. Sometimes it's a pain and it's supposed to be that way. God makes it that way. So when I'm struggling, um, understanding Tory or whatever, then we just stick with it.

And you know what, sometimes the, the, you know, here's, here's one quick rule of thumb. It's very important that you understand this, the rule of 20, that if you are in a situation where you're communicating with your spouse and one of you feels a little flood. and, you know, you feel flooded when your, when your head gets hot and your heart heart rate ticks up.

Mm-hmm somebody said or did something that's making you feel flooded. Um, take a take about a 20 minute break, you know, and, and come back and it takes 20, 20 minutes. And I got that from Dr. John Gottman. Um, and he said, it takes about 20 minutes before you can actually come back and fully comprehend what your spouse is saying.

Inside of 20 minutes because there's flooding going on, which means that you're, you're at a heightened emotion. Yeah. You can't fully comprehend what they're saying. No. And it's just literally going in one ear and out the other. Yeah. That's so it's such a good practice. Yes. I mean, it actually makes zero sense to just keep on communicating when you're flooded.

Yeah. Like it's just, it's, it's really not gonna get you where you wanna go. And the whole don't let the sun go down on your anger does not mean that you can. Pause a conversation one night and resume it the next morning. Yeah. Don't let the sun go down in your anger is you don't go to bed like fuming mad, go to bed, making an agreement with each other.

I'm not gonna, you know, you did say some hurtful things to me and I, I want to talk with you about it. And, but, but right now we can't like, I, I just, I need to talk mm-hmm about it with you tomorrow. It's gonna be best for us if we do. You guys have an understanding of this, let your spouse apologize to you, you know, and then get up the next morning and talk about it.

But the don't let the sun go down here and your anger does not mean that you guys have to hash out the whole thing that night and stay up until 3:00 AM. Otherwise you're probably gonna end up getting worse right now for some people that it works. You can just hash through things, but other people it's, it's good for you to relax for me.

I need the morning. Tori never does or says anything wrong. So it's not usually me. That's having to get over anything it's her. But so, but, but this is a communication. The goal for communication is connection is connection. Keep the main thing. The main thing. Yes. Shallow communication is, is only about information, but good communication is about connection.

It wraps in that emotion. You know, we've talked about it before on our podcast about the importance of. A good atmosphere. Yeah. For communication, you know, like if you want to communicate with God in the morning, what's one thing that we, a lot of us do when we pray, we turn on some soft music. I was gonna say, get your coffee, you get your coffee.

yeah. It's like that comfort. We do. We turn on some soft music, you know, like some worship or whatever. We love soaking music, but you're creating an environment for communication. Yeah. Mm-hmm and that's what you did when you were. is that you had candlelight and you had soft music and you went to dinner.

We'll do those things now. Mm-hmm right. And another tip that I would add for communication is it. Easier for most people, I would say, um, to communicate when you're moving your body. Mm. Sometimes it's hard. Yeah. It's true to, um, if you feel like you're kind of getting stuck and you're having a hard time processing or your husband is having a hard time.

You know, um, responding, maybe he's getting tired when you're sitting down, honestly, moving and taking a walk actually is actually scientifically proven to help with communication cuz your body's moving. Your blood is flowing. Yeah. It's actually really helpful. And um, or play catch. Yeah. I've found this with my boys.

Um, trying to communicate with them when they're sitting on a couch, looking into my eyes is not gonna work really hard for a young. But to play catch with him or to rebound for him or, um, you know, something that's active and he's moving. It makes it much easier. Yeah. That's a good point. It's actually helpful with kids.

And sometimes I know for, for me and you, when we're moving it, it really helps us. Yeah. The goal is to just not, um, allow your communication to only be about information, right. It's connection. So let me, let me wrap up with this one, thought small minds, talk about people, mediocre minds, talk about things, great minds, talk about ideas, and that would include dreams.

So if you want to communicate with your spouse beyond just information and you want to get to connection, you've gotta start talking about ideas and dreams. This is why. Both of you be both of you reading the scripture, you know, depending on your stage in life, mom, you know, if it's real difficult at home right now, you might not be able to go through the whole Bible cover to cover that might not be your stage in life.

You might just be the, the Jesus calling girl. Like that's all you can get in. God understands that. But to get something in so that you can have something to talk with your spouse about on a spiritual level. Yeah. On an idea level. you guys talk about some things that are going on in culture. And what do you really think about that?

What do you think God thinks about that? Like start talking about these things and, uh, and it's gonna help you, uh, communicate and, and connect at a deeper level. And then, you know, Tori and I love the high, low mm-hmm , you know, what's your high, low, what was your high for today? What was your low and why we try to do that with our kids, but they typically get pretty.

Like, I don't know what my high, the low was. I had to go to school. Yeah. okay. That's always the low. You said that the last eight days in a row? Yeah. That's true. So communication, it's all about connection. Yes. About that tour. I love it. Okay. Would you rather, are you ready? Yeah, I'm ready. Would you rather drink the water from a goldfish bowl or a stranger's used.

I'll take the goldfish bowl and I'll swallow the goldfish before strangers use bath. That's disgusting. That's like bodily fluids that gold with the goldfish. That's gross for sure. That's really gross. Yeah, that is gross. That was an easy one that wasn't thank you for that. Okay. And, um, so we're gonna talk, we mentioned it.

Yeah. Real quick. Well, our favorite meal was this week. Well, I didn't cook this week. Um, cuz we were at the, we were on vacation. Yeah. Last week. My favorite thing that I made, I'm gonna share it with you guys. It was fresh tuna. Oh, was so good. Didn't you love that? Yeah. SEAD AHI tuna. Yep. Wild caught wild caught.

Don't get the farm raised because it eats its own poop. And we've agreed that I'm gonna make it every week, once a week, because it. So good. And it made me feel like a million bucks too. Like there's certain foods that you just feel really good after you eat. Yeah. For me, it's kale. Like if I eat kale, I feel so good.

Kale. Yeah. and when I ate this, when I ate the tuna, I was like, oh man, I just felt really, really good. And it was so delicious. Yeah. And it's so easy. It, it might be the easiest, one of the easiest meals. Did you put a Sesame crust on it or something? I did. So this is all I did. One, it was, it was buy one, get one free in the fish department, like, you know, where you buy fresh fish and you have to actually ask the guy for however many pounds.

Yeah. Um, I'm sure you can get it frozen somewhere, but anyways, the, it was so good. Fresh anyways. I just, um, I did it twice last week, cuz it was just that good. The first time I just put, um, coconut amino acids, um, which is like a substitute for soy and. Fresh a little graded, fresh ginger. Yeah. And that was rockstar, fresh ginger and a little bit of olive oil, pepper, pepper.

Did you do salt and pepper, a little salt and pepper and it, that was it. It was very, very simple. Um, I think I marinated it while I was making a salad for, I don't know. Don't you have a picture of it. You should, you should be posting the stuff on Jason. I have a, I have, I do have a picture and so, and then we just, I just SRED it in Sesame oil.

Mm. That was key Sesame oil. And I put a ton of Sesame seed on the outside and just BR and just SRED it on both sides. And then cut it raw. It was so good. It was rock star. Then the next time I didn't wanna like have to grate the ginger. I, no, I did fresh garlic in that first one too. It was fresh garlic, fresh ginger.

Yeah, the coconut amino. Olive oil. Yeah. And, and then I was at earth fair and I found the brags. Um, salad dressing. Yeah. And all their salad dressings are made with olive oil. So you're not getting all that junk yeah. Oil like canola oil and all those vegetable oils. Yep. All those vegetable oils and different oils that are, um, so inflammatory, um, all of B, R a G G S yeah.

All of their, that brand. They are all with olive oil base and I got a Sesame. Ginger, the Sesame ginger one. Yeah. So yeah, I don't have to do anything. All I had to do is pour it over the tuna. There you go. Add some, um, Sesame seeds and syrup and that was it. It literally was like five minute meal. Yeah. And it was honestly one of the best meals.

Right. Tori has come alive now telling you guys all about this. Great. No, she's gifted with it. It's called ginger and Sesame. Ginger. I Sesame mm-hmm . That was the, the one from brag. Oh, not brags. It was just brag. B R a G G. They have spices and they'll figure it out. Babe. No, it was good. This is important information.

This is okay. Well, I can, I can say though, if, um, you want, want I'll post a picture of it. It was so good. You wanna taste this for yourself? That you're just gonna have to get one of our marriage intensive programs and come in and no, you're gonna grill a steak for that. You grill 'em. Oh, that is true. Yeah.

I'll okay. I'll do a U S D a prime state and you'll stay in our little guest. We'll do we all our special sides that go along with it? all right. Well, Thank you guys for listening. This is great. We'll see you guys next. Yes. Don't forget to rate, review, subscribe, uh, check out our coaching programs on beauty and

And in the meantime, uh, we love you and I don't know, go eat some tuna eat, go, go eat some tuna. And remember, the purpose of communication is connection. Keep the main thing, the main thing.