Beauty in Battle Podcast

Let's Talk About Sex (p1)

August 02, 2022 Jason Benham, Tori Benham Episode 31
Let's Talk About Sex (p1)
Beauty in Battle Podcast
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Beauty in Battle Podcast
Let's Talk About Sex (p1)
Aug 02, 2022 Episode 31
Jason Benham, Tori Benham

This is a topic we've been waiting to tackle! In this episode, we are going to share a three-part framework on how to view sex as well as four powerful keys to great sex. 

Can't get any better than that, can it? 

Today is part 1 of a two-part series on sexual intimacy in marriage. 

Here's a quick sneak peek: 

  • The Purpose of sex is intimacy 
  • The Product of sex is LIFE 
  • That’s why it’s Pleasurable

But when the pleasure overtakes the purpose then you forfeit the product


  • Rhythm 
  • Recognize 
  • Relax 
  • Reward 

Are you interested in being coached as a couple? We have a new program we just released that we'd love to have you join. You can learn more HERE

Show Notes Transcript

This is a topic we've been waiting to tackle! In this episode, we are going to share a three-part framework on how to view sex as well as four powerful keys to great sex. 

Can't get any better than that, can it? 

Today is part 1 of a two-part series on sexual intimacy in marriage. 

Here's a quick sneak peek: 

  • The Purpose of sex is intimacy 
  • The Product of sex is LIFE 
  • That’s why it’s Pleasurable

But when the pleasure overtakes the purpose then you forfeit the product


  • Rhythm 
  • Recognize 
  • Relax 
  • Reward 

Are you interested in being coached as a couple? We have a new program we just released that we'd love to have you join. You can learn more HERE

So today we're talking about sex. Okay. About that. We're actually going there. We're going there. Okay. But now let me set some expectations. It gonna be very classy though. It is it's it's gonna be a classy talk because sex is between three people, two spouses and God. Yep. So you ought not bring people into your bedroom.

So Tori and I are not gonna bring you into our bedroom, but we are gonna talk about some principles. So what we're gonna give to you is a three part F. For sex, and then we're gonna give you four keys to gray sex. Okay. How about that? I love it. I love it. But before we, I love it before we start. Um, Tori's got a joke or two.

Okay. Thank you, Kim Vincent for another great joke. She's just always coming through. Do trees poop. That is weird. I don't know. Maybe a SAP SAP. No, that big. Of course they do. How would we get number two? Pencils. that is so stupid. I feel like our kids would've loved that one. We should have had like a sex joke.

You remember the days that if we had to get our kids to laugh, we could only do poop jokes. Like whenever we do family photos. Oh yeah. It. Say something about poop. what's funny is I get together with a bunch of dudes who are almost 50 and it's still kind of the same thing. Yeah. That's isn't that sad?

okay. So, uh, we wanna talk about sex today. Let me give you a three part framework for sex. Okay. And I remember doing this maybe, I don't know, eight or 10 years ago in one of my Bible studies. And it kind of stuck with me when I was prepping for that Bible study. And we wanna start off with this and then we're gonna talk about four keys to great sex.

So. First here's your three part framework. You ready for this store? I'm ready. All right, here we go. All starts with letter P cuz I was raised Baptist, you know, Baptist school, Baptist and Methodist. You have to always have those. What are they called? Alliteration four P's three, three P's. Three P's. Okay.

Okay. So the purpose of sexist intimacy. Okay. The product of sex is life. That's why it's PLE. Okay. Okay. So I'm gonna say that again. And then I wanna give you a little twist. Mm-hmm the purpose of sex. This is the purpose for why, why God created its intimacy. The product of sex is life, and that's why it's pleasurable.

But when the, when the pleasure overtakes the purpose, then you forfeit the product. Wow, that's really good. So when, when it's focused on pleasure, No longer the purpose mm-hmm than the product, which is life. You forfeit it. So now let's look at each piece of that. So when I start out by saying the purpose of sex is intimacy, best different initiative.

Intimacy that I've heard is, is the phrase into me. See, like intimacy is to be fully known and fully accepted, right? So if you're gonna be fully accepted, you have to first be fully known. It's like, uh, it's like the marriage night thing. It's like, you're finally gonna be together and physically, and you're gonna see each other completely naked or whatever Lord willing you waited for that day, but you're gonna finally see each other naked.

And, and you now fully know each other physically and you fully accept each other. There's a level of intimacy there that you can have before that, that time. Right? It's it's intimacy. It's, there's a level of intimacy you could not have before that. That's. Yeah. That's what you meant to say. Yes. That's what I meant to say.

Thank you to her, but it, and, and it's not just physical intimacy, you know, there's there's, if you really want intimacy, then you have to be able to share your secret desires, not just your secret fears and pains, you know, like, like even in a friendship, you can share your fears, but to share your secret desires.

Like, and now I'm not talking about sexual desires in a friendship, but I'm talking. desires. Like I I've got a dream that I'd like to accomplish this thing. Mm-hmm, , it's more difficult to share that with some people than it is. I've always struggled with this, this or this. Yeah, that's true. Mm-hmm , it's always easier to share your struggles.

Well, when we are, when you're with your spouse, the same as true sexually it's, it's easier. It's easier to stay away from the talk of here's what I like. Here's what I don't like or whatever, but you're but intimacy physical intimacy is to be fully known and fully. Now, pull that from revelation three, where Jesus is talking.

And he says, behold, I stand at the door and knock anyone who opens the door. I will come into him and he, and dying with him. So that's what it's saying. So Jesus is standing at the door of our hearts and he's knocking and he says, just open the door of your heart, you know? So if you have ever ha uh, given your heart to Jesus, you know exactly what this feels.

When you feel God knocking on the door of your heart, when you open up it, doesn't say I'm gonna come in and clean house. Right? I mean, you could have a disaster zone in your house. He simply says open up and we're gonna eat together. It's revelation three 20. It's one of the most powerful verses in all the Bible that he's saying, I already know the mess that's inside.

Yeah. But I fully accept you. And I wanna dine with you. Hmm. Dining is a picture of intimacy. So when you go on dates, what are you typically doing? You're dining mm-hmm. like you're going out to dinner because there's a level of intimacy there you're able to talk and all of that type of stuff. So, uh, to be fully known and fully accepted is all about intimacy.

Now, sex is a physical manifestation of this spiritual truth that intimacy between Jesus and the church is the spiritual truth of what we get to see between a husband and a wife and Paul calls that a mystery. Hm. So Paul's sitting there talking about a, a husband and a wife. I forget it's Ephesians somewhere, Ephesians five.

I think it is. Or it might be a, a different passage where he's actually talking about physical intimacy and he said, oh, and by the way, the mystery of what I'm talking about, because he's just talking about a husband, you know, leaving his father, mother being United to his wife and the wife receiving him and the husband and the wife experiencing intimacy.

And then Paul. And by the way, that's a great mystery. And the mystery is this really represents Christ in the church. Wow. It really represents us as a body of Christ, allowing Jesus to then be intimate with us, like we're fully exposed and we know that we are, but yet we know that we're fully accepted. So that's why the purpose of sex being intimacy is number one.

That's the foundation. It's my spouse knows me and I'm gonna let them know me. My spouse accepts. Wow. The problem comes when either you're not letting your spouse fully know you. There's a part of you that you're not letting your spouse get to. You know, maybe you've got an addiction. Maybe you've got something going on.

I don't know what it could be. Um, maybe it's a fear, pain struggle, and you're not letting your spouse into that within your spouse. Can't fully known you. And if they don't fully know you, that can't fully accept you, although they want to fully accept you, you, but you haven't let them fully know. Wow. And then the next thing you know, sex, isn't good for you because you haven't achieved intimacy.

So it's like full undivided disclosure is the foundation for sex. It's the foundation for being fulfilled in sex. So that's the purpose of sex is intimacy. Wow. But then what's the product of that. What's the product of sex it's life. Hm. So just think, think about that in terms of, I mean, how did our four kids come about?

I mean, we had to, we had to be intimate with each other. Right, right. The product of sexist life. So it's not just physical life, it's emotional life, spiritual life and relational life. So if you really want life in your relationship, then you have to figure out this whole sex thing. Right. If you don't figure this out, if you don't get it right, then your relationship can't experience any of the life that God has for it.

So sex is really important. That's why we wanted to talk about it today. Let me look at physical life real quick. Now I'm not just talking about reproduction in terms of kids. So obviously the product of sex being life can, can also be for kids like having babies. And when I look at Trey or Allie or Jake or Lundy, what I'm looking at real in reality is.

My love for Tory and Tory's love for me. So I look at Trey, he's the perfect mix of Tory and Jason mm-hmm , which should say he's he's the object of Jason's love for Tory. Trey is the object of Tory's love for Jason, because when we were in love and made love the product of that was life. Hmm. You see, you see.

Yeah. Okay. But it's not just babies, not just physical life. It's not just physical life. In terms of making another human being, but it is physical life in terms of healing to your body and healing to your relationship. Did you know, there is more oxytocin released in a man, uh, with a man's brain releases, more oxytocin insects than at any other time.

Really? Yep. And that's the bonding? Chemical. What about the woman? Okay. So I don't know. I don't know about the woman you tell me, , I've only researched what it does for a guy, but in the context of marriage, you know, oxytocin is a hormone that that's the bonding chemical, you know, obviously there's dopamine, that's the feel good chemical.

So there's dopamine going on as well in sex, but for a man so much oxytocin is released that it bonds him to his wife. Weren't you reading a book? I was you something about that? Yeah. I didn't know you were gonna cover that, so I don't have it ready, but, um, I did read that, um, uh, it releases more oxytocin in a man.

A woman's is more like at an even level, but it I'll have to go back and look, but it is, it is, um, true that a woman does release oxytocin. It's just not to the level that Amanda. Yeah, it's, it's pretty intense in a guy. And, uh, and so that's why, I mean, it's important that you guys have , you know, have sex mm-hmm so it's, it's the purpose of sex is intimacy.

It's being fully known and fully accepted. Look, if, if you and your spouse don't fully know each other and fully accept each other, there's a level of intimacy that you'll never achieve, which means that there's gonna be a lack of fulfillment in your relat. But if the purpose of sex is intimacy, the product of sex is life.

It's physical life. It's emotional life. It's spiritual life, where you become one in spirit. I read something somewhere where the guy said, if you really want. Enjoy great sex, listen to worship music in the middle of it. it's like really? Wow. no that that's taking it over the top. I don't know that we've ever tried that, but it is.

I mean, just think about this. God created us male and female, and then tells us essentially, like have sex have sex as much as you want. Like I want you to, you know, and then recognizing that, that that's a physical manifestation of a spiritual truth, right. You know, of one day. The intimate relationship between Jesus and the church, the corporate church, the, the bride of Christ, which is, which is an awesome thing.

So God made it. Then, then we should do it. You know, sex is like a, like fire in a fireplace. So long as it's inside the boundaries, then it's gonna heat the house up. But if it gets outside the boundaries, then it's gonna burn the house down. So the purpose of sex is intimacy. The product of sex is life.

That's why it's PLE. But when the pleasure overtakes the purpose, then you forfeit the product. We cannot let the pleasure overtake the, the purpose. And what does that mean? That means that sex isn't about you. It's it's not about me and, and what I can get. If the focus of sex is on your partner, everything changes, then you'll discover the purpose, which is life.

Excuse me intimacy, which gives you the product, which is life. So the, the focus has to be out. It can't be inward. The minute the focus comes inward and it's all about me, then, then you're not going to experience true deep intimacy. And then sex honestly just becomes a one way street, right? It just becomes a, a, a quick fix, you know, and then it becomes an obligation and you don't want that.

So if that's our framework, Our little three part framework, we gotta get into the four keys. Okay. You wanna get into the four keys? I think they start with an R . How did you know that? Did I already share this with you? You did. I did. Oh, I forgot about that. Okay. So, um, that's our little framework for sex now.

Let's let's talk about four keys to great sex. You guys are gonna like this, cuz these are, these are principles. Um, number one, rhythm. I'm not talking about rhythm in terms of physical rhythm, I'm talking about rhythm in terms of timing, like yeah. Like, and there's so many young couples, especially that we've counseled before that had never heard this before, but I'm like, how often have you guys agreed beforehand to have sex?

Mm-hmm they're like, uh, I don't really know. I'm like, well, no, you have to establish a rhythm. Yeah. You've got to get together with each other and talk about how often yeah. Works you would like to do what works best for both of you. What is, what is the expectation from you? What is the expectation from me?

How, what kind of agreement can we come into? That's that we can establish is our rhythm, right? And then, you know, if, and this was true for us, you know, if the husband's on a road trip or whatever, and he comes back home, is the expectation we'll make love that night, or is it best to wait till the next day or whatever?

You guys have to talk about that and you have to establish a rhythm. Here's why that's I. Because it sets expectations. It makes things very clear and disappointment is the gap between, uh, expectation and reality. Mm-hmm so if you don't already have it pre-established right. Then the guy's expectation will probably be a little bit more, or maybe sometimes even a lot more than the woman's expectation mm-hmm right, right.

So, and then he's gonna constantly feel frustra. Yeah, because his expectation isn't met, but if you get together and you say, um, you know, our rhythm is once a week or our rhythm is twice or our rhythm is every three days or our rhythm is every other day, whatever it is. I mean, I don't, I don't know that I've met many people that are been married 20 plus years and are like every day type folks.

that's exhausting, but you, you figure, I remember saying that you're welcome. if you figure out your rhythm. And so when you figure out that rhythm, then it sets, it sets expectations up front. Yes. Right out of the jump. Right. Okay. And on that foundation, there's three more keys and it's not that there can't be flexibility and there can't be, you know, spontaneity.

It's just for the most part, this is our rhythm. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good point. So yeah, it just makes it very easy when those expectations are out there. So there's rhythm number two, re. Recognize, what am I talking about? You need to pay attention to the things you love, like respect and are thankful for in each other.

Yep. Like you, you want great sex. It does not start with physical attraction. Mm-hmm okay. It can, but that's like base level stuff when sex starts from the inside out, because you're thinking about them and you're recognizing in your. Something that you love about him or something you like about him or you're at work and you're thinking about your wife and then you just think of something you respect about her as like she's home with the three young kids.

And I was always taking such good care about 'em and you're thinking about the thoughts like that. And then, and then that's moving into gratitude. Gratitude draws. You close. Remember I talked about oxytocin being released in a. More than at any other time during sex. The only other time that it's released is not as, as, quite as potent, but it's released in all of us when we experience and think grateful thoughts.

When we think thankful thoughts inside of our mind, it draws us close. So here, this guy is, he's sitting at work and he's thinking thankful thoughts about his spouse and, and that's drawing him close, right? When sex comes from that it's way better. Mm-hmm than just the physical, oh, you look. Let's be together or, oh, it's, it's been five days.

Let's right. You know, like, so it it's, and, and then respect, respect makes you want each other, right. If you really think about it, you know, I think I, I don't know how many different couples that we've talked to, but I've, I've talked about the, the necessity of when you look at fusions five, the necessity of a woman to respect her husband mm-hmm and the way a husband spells respect is.

D M I R a T I O N admiration. that was funny. I just looked at to she's like, whoa, I can't, I can't spell that. Uh, but it's admiration and it's, it's thinking, you know, as, as difficult as it may be home with the kids or whatever, but just thinking, you know, I'm thankful that my husband's there at, at the office working really hard.

Right. And that respect. And then if you show that respect, you know, thanks and praise. To your husband, man. I'm just telling you what, not only will, does it turn him towards you, right. But it turns you toward him. Exactly. So respect is a really big deal. So that's recognized. So there's rhythm, there's recognized.

Okay. Just getting your thoughts on your spouse. That's right. Getting your thoughts on your spouse and then number three, relax. Hmm. You have to just let it happen. Yes. That's that's such a good one. I remember. I don't know, however many years ago it was probably 15 years ago. And as I was reading through the Bible, I remember one day reading something that was, that, um, said, like let, um, it was like, let the redeem of the Lord said, say so or something like, gosh, in the Bible it says, let like all the time.

Yeah. And I, and the Lord just started speaking to me, like, what does that mean? Like, why do you, why throughout those scriptures, do you always hear. You know, let, like, let things happen. And I remember the Lord really speaking to my heart, like there were things that I needed to just let happen. Like there were things, um, and one of them was just being intimate with you.

Like there was so much stress sometimes in when the kids are young, when the kids were young, that it was like, there was something in me that just wanted to. Run. that's great. No run from being like touched being over, like either just you're being hung on all day long. And it was like, I don't, I don't know.

There was just something like, I can't be girlfriend right now. I needed to, I needed, I felt like this, this, um, deep desire to have space. Yeah. But the Lord was like, you just let it happen. Like let, um, let him pursue you, let, let him pursue, let it, like, don't be so, um, you know, so focused on like self preservation.

Yeah. You know, it's like, I was like holding on to my sanity, but pushing you away. And the Lord's like, you actually need him. Yeah. Like let him help you. Yeah. Let him, um, draw near to you. Like, there are ways that I want to love you and to take care of you and to provide for you and to reward you. Like, there was all these things that I felt like the Lord wanted to give me, but I was like, kind of in this posture of pushing away.

Yeah. That I was missing out on so many ways that I think he wanted. To love me through you and the Lord's like, you gotta let go and let things happen. Yeah. And, um, and as I kind of, the Lord spoke that to my heart and I began to try it, I was like, you're, he, God was, was really trying to, to love me through you.

And I just was, was kind of being stubborn. Yeah. Because of the self preservation mode I was in. Yeah. And, and that's tough, you know, and I, and I think about the verse Proverbs five 18 through nine. This is obviously to men, but any principle in the scripture, whether it's to men or women, we can apply it in the reverse as well.

But this is to men. It says rejoice in the wife of your youth, she's a loving dear, a graceful dough. Let her breast satisfy. You always, may. You always be captivated by her love. He's saying, let her breast satisfy you, which means you gotta let it happen. They're gonna satisfy you. Don't go looking at other people.

Don't go get your satisfaction some other way. Let your wife do. Just let it happen. So it's, it's the principle of allowing things to happen that God created to happen. So when you get married, God has, God has created your spouse in such a way to fulfill every need. Yeah. Now he's fulfilling those needs, but he's using your spouse to do it.

Right. And that includes your physical need for sex mm-hmm and you just gotta let it happen. Don't fight. And so when Tori was saying she had to learn to just kind of let it happen, which is, which is all about relaxing. I had to learn to create an environment in the home where she could relax. Right.

Right. So that meant when I came home from work and the kids are going crazy, I had to come in and I had to bring discipline where necessary. Mm-hmm I had to create an environment where our home experienced piece, right. Like I couldn't, she couldn't be disciplinarian and, and cook and cleaner and homeschool teacher all at once.

And then me come home and not help her at. I had to like dive in and help and create, you know, in a relaxing environment. That's why Tori and I, you come into our home very rarely. Is there overhead lights? It's typically low level lighting, like lamps and stuff like that, or we'll play Kenny G or some type of ina or yawny or some music like that.

Um, Especially late at night because you, you, you honestly, Jason is the best at atmosphere. Like God gave him a gift with this. I'm telling you it's it's cuz I always have an ulterior motive but we should do a podcast on that. Like there's so there's so many like the way that you think in terms of yeah.

Atmosphere and you can see things differently, you. I'm sorry. And I think that we should, you should share your tips on that because I'll do that. I love what you've set up in our home for that I'll do that. Um, and I think that every guy has the ability to do that because when the guy is dating his, his, his future spouse, of course, he might not be a future spouse at the time, but the, their, the girlfriend or whatever most guys want to create like a candlelight environment.

They, they think of something, you know, they might not be naturally creative or whatever. I'm not a naturally creative guy. I've got buddies of mine that can do all that kind of stuff. I just know that low level lighting and soft music does the trick. Yeah. So it's creating this environment where your wife can relax.

Mm-hmm and. On the flip side, if the husband is always coming home and he is always agitated because, you know, it's very difficult and stressful at work and maybe your kids are a little older. Maybe it's an environment that the, that the wife, you know, has, you know, at home where, when he comes home, there's soft music and it's.

It's clean. Yeah. You know, things are put in order or whatever, and that helps him relax a little bit. Right. So there is, there is relaxing and, and so that's really important. So it's rhythm, it's recognized, it's relaxed. And then the last one, and I love this it's reward. It's it's first viewing sex as a reward, not an obligation.

I mean, God is rewarding you with the fact that you, you have a spouse and your spouse is the only person that you can have guilt free sex. Mm, now your spouse is not the only person that you can have sex with. Of course, that's called adultery, but your spouse is the only one that you can have guilt free sex with.

And that's the best type there is. Right. So it's a reward to you. Yeah, but, but I also want to use this word, um, in, in a way that that has been really helpful for us is that God made us to operate by a desire for. Like he made us that way. Yeah. So even all throughout the scripture, when, when God says, if you do this thing, I'll reward you with this.

Yeah. If you do this, you'll get this. And even salvation is like, come to me, all you who are wearing heavy Ladon and I will give you rest, rest. What is that? That's a reward. Right. That's like, okay, I want that rest. So I'm gonna do something to get it. So we have this desire for reward. It's what we do at work.

Right. You know, like I, I do things at. So that I can make money. Right. There's nothing wrong with it. Yeah. That's a desire system. There's a reward system in place and it's biblical. It is biblical. Yeah. Now we have, I'm a rewarder of those who diligently seek me. Yeah. The Bible says, you know, that's God set that system in place for a reason diligently seek me, which means that you are constantly moving toward God because you want his presence.

Now, what we have discovered is that you have to apply this with. And, and I would say it's probably more the woman applying it than the man mm-hmm , but when Tori recognized and understood that she could use sex as a reward for me, that it, man, it really was awesome where I could come home and she could say something like, okay, honey, you know, like if you just please vacuum the living room and if you do those dishes over there and then if you can be the one to bath the kids and get 'em ready for.

I promise I'll be ready. You know, something like that or whatever, right. That, that was like, you put that little carrot out there, man. I tell you what, give me that freaking ORIC. I'm going to work on that. I cascade and I will be best friends. And I promise you I'll get those kids bathed and it's using that reward.

And it's a good thing. Yeah. There's a reason. A man typically thinks about sex. I think it's two and a half times as much as a woman. And I believe it's because God was setting up something, um, putting something in place to where there there's such emotional needs that a woman has and that he feels this pull yeah.

To meet those needs because of the reward that comes through. Yeah. Emotional connection with a woman leads to. Intimacy that's right. And so God set this up and, and, and made this, made us this way for a reason. And we have to just understand it. I think that for so long we've thought, I thought as a woman, that that would be manipulative, right.

To use that. But I, I really like the more I read scripture and the more that you and I have kind of like. Dove into this. I really believe God set this up. Yeah. As there, there he is a rewarder. This is, this is a something that he put into place and, um, it's not manipulative to use, um, a reward system. Yeah.

Now you're, you're using the reward system. To give your husband sex. You're not using sex to withhold from him so that you can get something you want. Like, if you don't do this, I won't give you sex. That is manipulation. Right. But it's, if you can help with this, this, this, and it's in good, it's with the right motive and intention, like I want, I wanna get there with you, but right now I've got all these things in my that on my plate.

If you can. If you can help me with this. Yeah. Then I then, and give me some space and some time to, to get there. Yeah. I promise you I'll get there with you. Yes. But like let's work together. and we guys are so we're, we're so dense. We're. Shallow sometimes like that we don't really, sometimes we don't know, like, what do I need to say?

Or what do I need to do to kind of get her ready? Cuz I'm kind of feeling like I would like to be with her or whatever. And if she could just come and tell us, Hey, I, I want to get there with you too, but I can't yet. And here's 1, 2, 3 things that you can do and you basically give us that little list or whatever.

I promise you, there's not a guy out there that won't appreciate that at the, the core of his soul and like, right. Well, that was easy. Okay. I got this. It doesn't matter what you ask us to do. Mm-hmm you can, you can say, honey, I need you to go outside and Jack the car up and take the front tires and put 'em on the back and the back tires and put 'em on the front.

I promise you, I'm going next door to Tim and saying, Tim, gimme your Jack like . And so it, it really is an awesome thing. And, and specifically, and it doesn't always have to be spoken. It's just kind of like you, it doesn't always have to be, if you do this, then I'll do this. It's just kind like. You are amazing.

You're such a good dad. And then something happens that night. . Yeah. Right. You know what I mean? It's not like this. It doesn't have to be like this planned out. You do this, I do this, you know what I mean? That's not that mechanical it's and I can honestly say, you know, most of the time we don't operate like that.

It's just, you know, we know our rhythm and, and we come together or whatever, but there are times when, but I think do use the reward, especially when the kids are younger. Well, I just think it's assumed. I help you with this, this and this. I you've had a lot going on. There's no way you're gonna be ready for this.

If I don't help you. Yeah. It's just kind of like being, you know, being, um, aware yeah. Of what's going on and how a woman is wired and how she, how she works. yeah. And then the husband, obviously you're a student of your wife. There comes a point where you won't have to ask her and she won't have to say anything cuz you already know mm-hmm so you come in and instantly you're diving in with the dishes.

You're helping out with the, the meal you're you're washing the kids and all that kind of stuff. And, and if you've got, you guys have already discussed your rhythm and it's on that day. Well then both of you should be thinking about that. And that's what I love that Tori has. Is, uh, what our rhythm, uh, I don't, it doesn't even matter what it is, but when it, when we come to that time, I know that Tori's mind is already thinking about that.

She's already, she's like attuned. To, to, to our rhythm. So I'm already thinking about, Hey, I need to help her out. I need to do these things. And, and honestly, when those expectations are set, when you've spent some time recognizing, like paying attention to things you love like respect and are thankful for you, relax and let things happen.

Mm-hmm . And then you also understand this whole concept or reward. It will set your sex life on fire we might have to, um, do a part too on. Oh for. Okay, great. Because we can I let you lead it? sure. Okay. Cuz there, there is a book that I wanna talk about a little bit that has been helpful. Um, but our time is up.

So I wanna do, would you rather, and then maybe we can, yeah, let's do it. Okay. Would you rather, every human have fish heads for hands or everyone have lobster clause for fee? This is. Everybody everyone around you would would, rather than you're gonna, I'm gonna have to go with a lobster clause for feet to, yeah, I agree.

I don't think I can look at fish heads the rest of my life. Let's just get you some crazy shoes and, and we're not gonna do the fish head. Whatever lobster closet is. Lobster closet is . All right. Hey, thanks for hanging out with us. Um, it's, it's a privilege for Tori and I to come up and talk with people and they say, Hey, I was listening to your podcast the other day.

It's, it's humbling to think about that. So, but we like to just get on here. Talk have fun. So, if anything we said helped you, hopefully, you know, whatever we talked about sex today, purpose of sex is intimacy. The product of sex is life. That's why it's pleasurable. When the pleasure overtakes the purpose, then you forfeit the product.

Our four keys, rhythm recognize, relax, and reward. Don't forget to write review, subscribe, thanks for hanging out with us. And I think that's it. That's it. How about I just be done? Let's be done. All right. See you next week. See you guys.