Beauty in Battle Podcast

How to Magnetize Your Spouse

July 19, 2022 Jason Benham, Tori Benham Episode 29
Beauty in Battle Podcast
How to Magnetize Your Spouse
Show Notes Transcript

Would you like a very simple three-step plan to magnetize your spouse to you? 

In today's episode, that's exactly what we'll tackle. We share three keys that will unlock gridlock in your relationship and put you on a path to thrive. 

But it's not just for hurting couples - healthy couples can (and should) use these same keys to move their relationship forward and make it even better. 

Here's a sneak peek - If you want to magnetize your spouse to you it will involve these three things: 

1) Think 
2) Talk 
3) Touch

Listen in as we dive into the specific ways you can do these things strategically to draw your spouse close to you. 

Don't have our book? Grab it HERE

So today we're talking about three steps to magnetism. Ooh, it's got a nice ring. it took me a little bit to come up with that title. But I was thinking, I was thinking about just the things that we can do in our marriage. Mm-hmm that actually draw us close together. Yeah. And I was reading some stuff and then I was thinking through some things and I just thought, man, there's three.

I, I know there's three specific things that we can do in all of our relationships. That's gonna magnetize us to each. It's gonna also, um, if, if you're in a situation and you're in a marriage, that's struggling right now, you can do these three things, very simple things. Um, and it's gonna help draw your spouse back to you.

Let's get into it. Let's get into it. No, you know what though, before, uh, we do this, Tori typically has jokes. She doesn't have any jokes today, but I have a. Do you okay? Yeah. Okay. You ready? Go. Go for it. What do you call a pig that does karate. What do you call a pig? That does karate pork chop.

oh, I'm not done. Okay. I'm not done. Why did the bike fall over? Why? Because it was too tired. What? It was too tired. Oh, it has two tires to. That took me a minute. Okay. Yeah. Gimme a minute. Did you just make those up? No, I just looked them up. Oh, nice. You're proud of me. I love it. Thank you. Okay. Well, let, let's jump right in.

When we're talking about three steps of magnets, there's three things you're gonna do. That's going to literally magnetize your spouse to you, and it's going to magnetize you to your. Okay. You wanna know what the three things are? Yes, I do. I'm just gonna, I'm gonna say the three things and then we're gonna go back and we're gonna talk about each one.

Okay. Okay. You ready? Think, talk, touch the three tees, the three tees like Tory, Garland, Canada, or Benham, but think, talk, touch. Okay. If you're in a situation with. Spouse. And maybe you feel like you guys have just jumped into a routine and you've fallen into it and, and you're just going back and forth and, and there's not really much, uh, magnetism there.

You don't feel much romance or anything like that. I'm telling you thinking, talking and touching in the specific ways we're gonna talk to you about are gonna change your, your marriage for the better. If you've got a great relationship with your spouse, then adding this to a part of your rept. Is going to be a great thing for your relationship.

So thinking, talking, and touch it, let's talk. Think first. Okay. Okay. When we're talking about thinking, we're talking about specifically, uh, thinking a positive thought about your spouse. Yeah. So good. Whether you want to or not, this comes so natural before you get married. When you're in the dating years or the honeymoon stage, you just think about each other all the time.

And it's always positive. Natural. Mm-hmm , it's just positive. It's like, oh, I love the way she says that. Or mm-hmm I love the way he does that or whatever. It's, it's thinking one positive thing about your spouse and dwelling on it for a second. Yeah. Like find yourself in a situation where. You're driving to the grocery store or you're driving to work or whatever, turn the radio off, or even better turn a song on that you guys have always liked together and think something positive about your spouse.

If it means you have to go back into the archive, do it. Yeah. Go back into the archive. Yeah. It makes me think of the, uh, Philippians four, eight. Whatever's true. Whatever is honest, whatever is just whatever's pure, you know? Um, I'm, I'm getting it botched up. Yeah, no, that's right in a good report. Think on these things.

And, you know, be intentional about what you're thinking about with your spouse. This has been huge for us in our relationship and honestly, not just our relationship, but the other relationships that are most important to us. Oh my gosh. Yeah. So true. Because what we know now because of brain science, is that thoughts ha create pathways in your brain.

Mm. Tori wrote a whole chapter on this in her. But if you think bad thoughts or negative thoughts or fearful thoughts, right? Whatever those thoughts are, they create physical pathways in your brain so that your thoughts will naturally gravitate to that path. And you have to change that. So one of the ways to do that, Is to, is to tell yourself, I will think a positive thought about my spouse and, and what you can do.

I mean, you can systemize it. You can say, you know, I'm gonna do it once in the morning, once in the afternoon, once in the evening. And then you'll get to a point where you're just thinking positive thoughts about your spouse all the time. That's the goal, right? And I might be talking to people who are listening to this, like, man, me and my spouse.

Don't really struggle with positive thoughts about each other. No, that's great. And I'm glad you're in that situation. But what you want to do is, is think about systemizing. Positive thinking about your spouse, not just, you know, so if I'm talking to a guy here it's not just some physical sexual thought or whatever, although that that definitely needs to play into it, but it's more, uh, a thought of gratitude.

Mm-hmm and this goes from husband to wife and from wife to husband, if you think one thought positive thought towards your spouse, that's fueled by gratitude. Then your brain is gonna release. What's called Oxy. Oxytocin is a chemical in your brain that's released, uh, and it's called the bonding chemical.

Right? And we've talked about it before on this podcast where we've talked about the power of oxytocin, but when you think one thought one positive thought about your spouse, that's fueled in gratitude. Like one thankful thought mm-hmm , your brain is gonna release GRA oxytocin, and oxytocin is a bonding chemical.

It's what farmers often. And I had a farmer tell me this, that when they deliver a calf mm. They give that little calf, a shot of oxytocin, like a, a shot full of oxytocin so that the calf will want to bond to the mother. Cause sometimes the calf will just run out and just do its own thing. It'll wanna bond into the mother.

So they give, and I think they give the mother calf the shot too, or, or when she's having the baby, something happens where in the, in the cow's brain, oxytocin is released. But then they do this because if oxytocin is released in both brains, mm-hmm they bond. Yep. It's magnetism. Right? So if you think a, a positive thought rooted in gratitude towards your spouse, it's gonna draw you closer to your spouse, which that that's think that moves us into step two.

Mm-hmm . Think talk, touch, remember these three things talk. If, if you think that positive thought about your spouse rooted in gratitude, and now you have a thankful thought, say it. Yeah. Say it like mm-hmm, express that. Yeah. Because when you express gratitude to your spouse, it then releases oxytocin in their brain.

Right. And what does that make them wanna. Draw close to you, right? It's it's a natural thing. Somebody who comes up and is just Uber thankful for who you are. I mean, and what you do, uh, even Psalm 100 says, uh, God is saying through David in the Psalms, he says, enter my gates with Thanksgiving in my courts with praise.

Right? I've told so many wives. You want your husband's presence. Then you have to do the same thing that God says that you have to do with him. Enter my gates with Thanksgiving and my courts with praise. Thank God for what he does. Praise him for who he is and you get his presence. Mm-hmm . So I've told plenty of wives that have sat in front of us, on our couch.

Thank your husband for what he does, praise him for who he is, and you're gonna get his presence, right? You will get his presence. He'll draw close to you, but that gratitude will release oxytocin in his brain. Mm. So it's not just gratitude though. So we're, we're talking think, talk, touch these three very simple things that you're gonna apply to your relationship talk is also like, like just a, just take 60 seconds, have a positive non logistical interaction with your spouse.

Like talk like you remember when you were dating or maybe even when you were first married, you would just talk, right? I mean, What, like, who's not, it's not about, who's gonna pick up the kids or make dinner or pay the bills. I mean, you're talking about, um, what do we wanna do with our life? Yeah. What are our dreams?

What are our fears? Hey, did you hear this joke? This is hilarious. Watch this video like yeah. Positive stuff. Right? Like if you want to see magnetism take place in your relationship, then it's just having a 62nd positive interaction. That's not. What are we gonna eat for dinner? Uh, right, exactly. It, it can't be logistical, right?

You, you and I have found that walks are really helpful for this being intentional take walks together. Yeah. At least once a day. And it just gives us the space to, to talk. And I find that it's easier to talk when you're moving and you do too. Yeah. We both are like, we would rather be moving and talking at the same.

Yeah, let's play catch. Yeah. shoot free throws. And there are studies that show. It is easier to talk when you're moving. Yeah. Into process when you're moving. Yeah. So, so if you're, if you're thinking, um, thoughts of gratitude towards your spouse, you're thinking positively, no matter how difficult that may be at certain times, and then you're expressing it.

You-hmm, , you're actually having a positive interaction. These things are magnetism. Now we haven't even got to touch yet, but let me just park on talk just for a little bit longer. Because, uh, don't ever forget two rules. The first is the five to one rule. And the second is the 20 to one, the five to one rule is for every negative interaction that you have with your spouse, you need at least five positive interactions to wash that out.

And that put, just puts you back to even. Wow. Right. So it's not, this was a study that was done, right? Yeah. Gottman group, Dr. John Gottman. So this isn't our. So five to one. So if you, if you want your relationship, let's just say you're at a six in your relationship, which isn't good enough. God wants you at a 10 and you can be at a 10, but you're gonna need to think talk, touch.

Okay. So let's just say you're at a six. If you wanna stay at a six and you guys just had a massive. Like negative interaction with each other. Like you got into an argument about something and one of you said something hurtful and the other one responded to that and hurt. And so you guys have both done something like that.

Okay. Now you're at a four in your relationship. If you want to get back to equilibrium six, you need at least five positive interactions to overcome that one. Mm-hmm okay. But if you wanna move forward in your relationship, you need 20 to. 20 positive interactions to one negative interaction. Wow. That's the rule.

So don't forget those two rules. So if you've had a negative interaction, it's not, it's not that it's wrong, cuz we all have that, but you guys really have to have some positive interactions after that and it's okay for it to be systemized. It's okay for you guys to have a rule where, uh, every day we're gonna go for a walk around the block, you know, once your kids are older and, and one of your kids can watch the other one.

Yeah. The other ones, uh, we're gonna go for a walk around the block. The first thing that we're gonna do is the first half mile, which is gonna take us if you're walking. I mean, I don't know, eight, 10 minutes. It's gonna be logistical. It's gonna be whatever needs. Okay. So what about when's the doctor's appointment for, you know, our little kid or whatever, logistical, and then, you know, for the second half.

You guys are gonna have positive interaction, right? You're you're already thinking something you wanna say about each other that you appreciate or something that they did that was good or whatever, and you're gonna have positive interactions. It's okay. That that's systemized, right? Because operating inside that system is what can, is what is, will get you to a point where you guys can actually express things that are in your heart.

Right. But sometimes you just don't have a system for when you're gonna express that. And next thing you know, you're falling asleep and you haven't expressed it. You need a system for it. And that this makes so much sense to me too, because, um, you know, we've learned that our emotions are typically, they are, they come from two root emotions of love or fear mm.

And our bodies operate best and we're designed to operate out of love. Yeah. And so this is why we need so much positive affirmation. We need those loving responses because that's how we operate best. And when, when you are operating out of fear, it's it drains you, it takes energy from you, but when you operate out of love, you're thriving, you're, you're operating in your design.

Yeah. And so when we can help each other as couples, when I can come alongside of you and love you really well, and tell you truth about who you really are, despite how you're behaving in that moment. there might be some things that are true that are negative. But when I focus on what is true and help you to come into alignment with that, that's helping you to thrive the way that you were designed to thrive.

Yeah. And if you guys, if, if you just talk with each other like that, like what to is saying, uh, basically that's believing in each other. Mm-hmm, , it's, it's believing the best, even though they may not be exhibiting the best, right. Because God's not just your father, he's your father in. Just think about what your father-in-law feels about their.

well, think about what you feel about your kid. Mm-hmm , you know, you may have a son that's 14, 15 years old and he acts the egghead, you know, he's acting like an idiot. Mm-hmm well, and you want his friends to, to show him some grace, right? Give him some slack, you know, like, or his teachers at school, like you're a grown adult.

You're 40 years old. My son's 14. I know he said something stupid. Right. But can you please not hold that against him? Yeah. And I think like, like as a mom, I'm able to see the heart of my children. And so they may say something really dumb, but in my, in my heart, I know, no, that's not what they really meant.

It just came out wrong. But then when it comes to you, oftentimes I don't take that same approach. That's right. Because I'm not, I'm not your son. Mm-hmm right. I'm your husband and I'm supposed to know better. But in reality, if you do look at that through the eyes of your father-in-law, right, God. We're supposed to see people through the eyes of God.

Right? Well, if he's your father-in-law, then you have to look and think, uh, what would he want me to do or say about his son or daughter right now? Mm-hmm and, and if you're like having a hard time coming up with something, then think about what God thinks about them. Yeah, no, they are made perfect. They, they are now they've been screwed up, you know, by their own decisions, but they're, they're made to be kingdom advances and conquerors, and we're all more than conquerors.

We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. Listen. If your husband is being the egghead like your 14 year old son, mm-hmm then give him, give him a verse. Say, honey, I, I believe that you could do all things through Christ who strengthens you. I know you're going through a tough time at work.

And I know you've said a few things that are kind of harsh to us and the kids, but I believe in you. Wow. You know, I trust you and trust me. That's gonna help. It's so good. Um, this week has the last two weeks have been challenging weeks for me with unbelief and just, I feel like my faith has been rattled a little bit with this whole thing with Lendy because I wanna believe that I can trust God.

But I also feel this sense of responsibility as a mom to know everything. Yeah. And to make wise choices and to be responsible with what I know. And, and that's been a challenge to juggle because it I'm, I'm trying to believe in and trust that God is going to. Help us to make wise decisions. But then I fall back into my limited beliefs of like, well, what if we make the wrong decision?

Or what if the doctors aren't on their a game or, you know, all these, these questions, least doubts all these doubts. And I was reading in my, um, devotions this morning and actually I've been reading this all week because I just keep going back to it. I haven't moved forward that's because I don't feel like I quite have it.

um, but it's in Hebrews three. It. In verse 12. So search your hearts every day, my brothers and sisters, and make sure that none of you has evil or unbelief hiding within you for it will lead you astray and it will make you unresponsive to the living. God. So unresponsive. Responsibility is the ability to respond.

Yeah. And now it's, you know, here, I'm trying to be the responsible mom, but it's saying if I, if I'm being ruled by unbelief, I will be unresponsive, which is not responsible. Yeah. Right. And so this whole kind of thing that I'm going through, or I'm like, well, I, I just, I need to make sure I know, I need to know everything mm-hmm but it's kind of, you know, gotten me stuck in.

Just this worry and this, you know, ti kind of taking on the responsibility. That's really not mine to take mm-hmm. like I have to surrender these things to the Lord. Yeah. As we walk through, you know, all these doctor's appointments that we've been going to every week, it's like, I'm, I can feel, I literally feel my hands clenched every time I walk in because, and I, I can tell I'm just trying to hold on to something.

Yeah. And. What I really need to do is to rest in him and to trust him. Yeah. Um, but I just thought that was so good that our unbelief will, it will lead us to, it will make you unresponsive, responsive to the living. God. Yeah. Like I think we take on, we feel like it's our responsibility to do X, Y, and Z, and then things will go yeah.

The way they should. Right. If we're just responsible. , but if it's based in unbelief and we're not relying fully on God, yeah. Then we're gonna be unresponsive. That's right. And you know, one of the ways to get past that in your own spiritual walk honestly, is to voice it, get up early one morning and voice it to God, voice exactly what it is that you're feeling.

Tell 'em what you feel the same is true. When we start talking about, think, talk, touch, that draws you close in your relationship. The same is true with God. Obviously we can't touch him physically, but we can touch his heart with the things that we. We think positively, but like going back to what Tori's saying, you know, if you're going through something with your spouse or whatever, and, and applying this think, talk, touch, uh, three step system to magnetism, um, you know, to, I could tell that she's, the energy gets drained from her when she's operating out of doubt or fear, which happens to moms, right?

I mean, they're moms naturally are gonna hold onto these things. Maybe even more so than dads. But if I'm gonna apply, think, talk, touch. The first thing that I would do as a husband is now I'm gonna think some positive thoughts about tour. Like who, who is she? You know, mm-hmm and then maybe speak some of those things into her life and then reach out and just touch, you know, like mm-hmm, touch hands, touch, shoulder, whatever.

And just let you know that I'm in it with you. That kind of thing. That's just the way that we can apply this little three step system, but going to touch, talking about touch, you know, if, if we're gonna think. Positively rooted in gratitude. And let's just say we put a time limit on it of, of 60 seconds or more.

And we're gonna talk for 60 seconds or more touching for 60 seconds or more a gentle touch. Non-sexual mm-hmm like it's, you're not moving anywhere with it, right. For the guys out there. Here's what's crazy. Our bodies have electromagnetic waves inside. Mm-hmm , you know, like if, if somebody dies or their heart stops beating, what, what are the people typically on the, on the, um, In the emergency room, do they got that electromagnetic paddle thing?

And they're like clear, they put it on your, your chest and they send electromagnetic pulses through your body to, to wake your heart up. Right. What's cuz we, we got electro magnetic waves inside of us and your hands are like magnets. Right. You know? And I just think it's so interesting when. Look at the scripture that says pray for, I, I forget Paul was talking about Timothy.

He's talking about how he prayed over him with the laying on of hands. And they received certain things. Look, I mean, it's not some voodoo mystical thing. Mm-hmm but your hands literally have electromagnetic frequency running through them. If I reach out and touch Tory, she'll start to feel warmth. Mm-hmm but then she'll also start to feel love if I do it in the right way.

Yeah. You know, it's gentle. So with, without moving towards something, just a gentle touch, 60 seconds or more. Mm. Like when you cares your spouse's hand or play with their feet or rub their shoulders, there's a moment there when your spouse knows that you're completely connected with them. Yeah. And I think that you really have to let go for us women sometimes, especially women who have small children who.

Kids crawling all over them and touching them. And it's like, I remember that stage so well where I'm like, oh no, I don't think I can take any more touch. It's too much. It is so, so true that there is something really, really special about touch. Like as I've kind of began to look at it differently. And I think that for so long, it was like, wait, where are you going with this?

Right. And I don't have, I can't do that right now. So please don't touch me. Yes. But I've really tried to let go of that and just be like, okay, I'm I'm not, I'm not gonna let fear. Um, of, you know, of something happening that I don't want it to happen to come in the way of me enjoying the touch of my husband like this.

And so if you can really intentionally let that fear go and be like, you know what? I'm not gonna worry about where this is going. Yeah. I'm gonna let the there's power in touch. And we're sorry. I, I, I fully cut you off. Go ahead. no, go ahead. Okay. Well, I was gonna say, uh, going with what Tori said, and she said, you know, for, for the wives, let, let yourself kind of sit in that moment.

Mm-hmm and enjoy the touch of your husband. One of the things that I found as a husband that got her, helped get her to a point where she could do that was that she could trust that. Not every time I touched her a certain way mm-hmm that it was, it had to lead to something. Right, right. It didn't always have to lead to sex or whatever.

It's. But she was open with me to say, okay. Yeah. So I I've been in the house with the kids all day and they've been jumping all over me right now. I mean, what are you thinking? You just touch me that way, whatever it, whatever it is. And it's like, then she had to be open with me and explain what she's feeling or whatever.

And then I, as a husband have to say, okay, you know what? You're right. I, I gotta be a cognizant of these things. I gotta be conscientious of the fact that she needs my touch. That's not leading to anything other than the fact that I. Let me just rub your shoulders for five minutes. Mm-hmm let me just put my arm around you.

Let me massage that the fat part of your hand, you know, right by your thumb. Just gimme your hand real quick. mm-hmm that kind of stuff. And just, if you feel your marriage with a few of these moments every single day, like think talk, touch. Yeah. It's going to change your relationship. It really does. It's it really is magnetizing.

It like makes me feel like, so love to be touched by you. Yeah. And there's been so many times where I've rejected your touch because of fear. Yeah. Honestly, it's just like, oh no, no, I don't have time for that. I don't. And it's like, when I surrender that fear, I'm like, no, I'm gonna let. Um, Jason loved me through touch right now.

It's like, I really do feel that magnetism and that, and that bonding with you. Yeah. That's really re it's what exactly what I need. It's just crazy how that, how we sometimes reject those things that we need the most. Yeah. And it's funny too, because, um, when you think about, think, talk, touch Tori, and I did a two part, um, session on a two part podcast on how to affair proof, your marriage, the same things that draw you close to your spouse will draw you close to other people.

Right? And that's what you've gotta be careful with when you're thinking about think, talk, touch, you've gotta pay attention. If you and your spouse, aren't doing too well, or maybe you're doing really well, but you've got a, a colleague of the opposite sex at work and you're hanging out a lot. And next thing you know, you're, you're admiring them and you're thinking about them subconsciously, oh, that's not good.

And then you're talking and having positive interactions at all times about non logistical stuff. Mm-hmm, non tactical things. And the next thing, you know, you reach out and give a little hug or whatever. Down you go mm-hmm like that's so it's very important. We've gotta use the, this is like a fire and a fireplace mm-hmm don't let it outta the fireplace.

Yeah. Keep it in the fireplace. And it's gonna heat your house up, thinking 60 seconds or more positive about your spouse rooted in gratitude, talking 60 seconds or more positive interaction rooted in gratitude and touching mm-hmm 60 seconds or more gentle touch. Do this several times a day and watch what happens to your relationship.

I like it I was sitting there staring at to like, am I, am I done? I don't know. I don't have anything else to say. I think that was perfect. Let's wrap it up. Okay. Can I do a, would you rather? Yeah. Okay. So would you rather, um, eat ice cream, like the best ice cream you could think of? Oo we'll Gou ice cream is actually very good.

Um, would you rather eat ice? or a brownie or a soft cold chocolate chip cookie. Now some people might not like it cold. Some people like it warm, but just soft chocolate chip cookie. So tell me which one ice cream brownie chocolate chip cookie, um, probably ice cream, ice cream. Mm-hmm yeah, if you get the right thing, brownie batter.

Not with the brownie. Yeah. Now Tori's letting you in on a little secret. She's a brownie batter fanatic. yeah. I don't care about raw eggs. Give me all the raw eggs. I don't care. Yeah, that's so good. I'm probably gonna do ice cream. I'm gonna go to kill wins and I'm gonna get their chocolate chip and then I'm gonna have them puts as the best cream listen, guys, you gotta do this three dark chocolate peanut cluster.

That they make, uh, put that on top of said chocolate chip ice cream. And it's a party in your mouth. Mason likes to mix everything. I like everything separate. He is a mixer mix it. Yeah, mix it. I think it has something to do with old Faye Benham, God, rest her soul that. We used to eat leftovers a lot. Yeah.

And there was a lot of mixing going on with those leftovers and I just got used to it. Okay. I digress. Think, talk, touch, you guys apply this Tori and I are gonna apply it. I'm gonna here. I'm reaching out. I'm touching her right now. We're holding hands. It's great. I'm going anywhere with this. I want you to know now I'm not fearing it.

she's not scared. So thank you guys for hanging out with us. Don't forget. Rate, review, subscribe. If you think somebody would like this, send it over to. Tell 'em, it's a gift from me. All right. Nice. We'll see you next week. All right. Take care.