Beauty in Battle Podcast

Stress & Marriage

July 05, 2022 Jason Benham, Tori Benham Episode 27
Beauty in Battle Podcast
Stress & Marriage
Show Notes Transcript

Never before have we lived busier lives and needed to put safeguards in place to protect ourselves from the stressors that crush our bodies and ruin our relationships. 

In this episode, we're going to talk about the dangers of "busyness" and distraction on our bodies and our marriages. We've learned that the real issue isn’t the increased stress, it's the prolonged release of adrenaline that seeks to alleviate that stress. 

We're going to dive into how our body functions to alleviate stress, and how that very function is the thing that can hurt us if we aren't careful to regulate it.  

Stress is normal and good, but it’s supposed to be TEMPORARY! Elevated stress is like pressing the gas and never letting up! But it doesn't have to be that way. 

We're going to share with you three simple keys that will help you alleviate stress in your own life, help your spouse deal with stress in their life, and how to thrive in your marriage in the midst of a crazy busy world. 

So we're talking about stress in marriage today. This is huge. It is huge. It is actually probably the biggest thing going on today. I mean, cuz life is so different than always, I mean, . Yeah, well, I mean, just within the last 10 years with the advent, well, I'd say 20 years with the advent of technology and, and social media and all that stuff, that's going on.

We're, we're more connected, but Mo more disconnected than ever before. Mm-hmm but what we're seeing happen in inside of people is they're getting stressed out their minds and they don't even realize what's happening. And then you've got anxiety and panic at, at an all time high. Right. So what we wanna talk about today is.

How can you help your spouse when it comes to stress and how can you help your marriage when it comes to stress and ultimately, how can you help yourself manage, manage all the stress that's going on? Mm-hmm and what, and why? There's a, why there's an issue right from the jump. So that's what we're gonna hit don't tune out because Tory is first gonna start out with the most epic joke or jokes.

Okay. That you've ever heard. Okay, here we go. When my wife is depressed, I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a should. To crayon. What is that? The dumbest one ever. I where'd you get that one? I've it's on this website and I, I won't say it because I'm saying that it's a dumb joke and so that would be offensive to this website, but I was like, I couldn't stop laughing at the, just absolute yeah.

Stupidity of that. Okay. That is, that is good though. I like it. She just wants a, a shoulder to CR like, who thought of that to Cray on you would think of something like that. Oh, wow. Okay. She, she read an interesting fact. Oh, no. Sorry. I'm combining, I'm combining two of them together. Jess read an interesting fact.

Bruce Lee had a vegan brother Brock. Goly what? oh bro. Oh, I got it. Now. I'm likely. Yeah, it's just so funny. Like, uh, it's just so dumb. It's a cheese ball. So cheese ball. So how do you deal with a sad astronaut? I like this one. Just give him some space. Oh, okay. I'm there with you. I, we need, we need you guys to send us some more, really good jokes.

It was really cute. The other day I saw this little boy. um, and his parents brought him up to us that we were at a party or something. I forget what it was. And you were speaking at an event? Yeah. And, oh, I was speaking at an event and afterwards they came up and were wanted to say hello. And they said, this is our son.

And he's the one that sent in one of your jokes. And I said, buddy, we got to read that on. And, and all this, his eyes were as big as saucers. It was really cool. And then he told a joke and you sent it to me. We should had that ready. Oh, that was so cute. He did, it was a good one too. We'll do that next week.

Yep. He, oh my gosh. Jason sent me the cutest video of this little guy telling this joke. It was so cute. Oh yeah. So, but tell, tell your kids, or you can send us, send us some good jokes because we gotta get on the. Bandwagon first, before we jump into this more serious topic, which is what we're talking about today, stressed out marriage.

Yes. Now the reason I think that's important and we've said this before, we've said it in our book before oneness, there has to be twoness mm-hmm like, you know, God cause us to be one in marriage, but you really need to be two individually, whole people. You need to be thriving individually, if you wanna succeed relationally.

Right. That's easy. Right? We understand this because, and I've said this before, probably several times, our old strength trainer used to say, you're only as fast as your slowest leg, so you can only run as fast. Your slowest leg, you got two legs. One of 'em is gonna be a little bit slower than the other.

You gotta speed that leg up. So we did one leglegged squats and all sorts of stuff. Well, why we're talking about stress today is because. in marriage when conflict happens, two things manifest mm-hmm the issue itself. And then the ability of the person to handle the issue. Yeah. So if number two is good, number one will always work itself out.

Right. And when we're in a, um, age in time, where technology is like it is industrialization is, is like, it is just in the last 100 years, 100, probably 20 years. um, people no longer, you had 90 before industrialization, you had 90% of people worked on farms. Wow. And, and they had the pace of farms. And then before electricity, you know, before there was the light bulb, when it got dark, people slept and they slept until it got light again.

Right. So you had like 10, at least 10 hours of sleep, 10 to 12 hours of sleep. Mm. You had people who had so much leisure, the, the preferred method of, uh, travel 200 years ago was walking, you know? Wow. It's like people would walk and when they would walk, they, they just thought, right. They communicated with other people.

They walked in nature. They smelled, they actually had space to process life. But now there is no space, right? It's like we're connected as all get out. I mean, just just a second ago. Uh, so Tori and I have this, this little guest room and inside this guest room, we have our podcast studio and outside the podcast studio, we've got these woods.

And just before we started, I looked over and<laugh> I saw my oldest son going out. He had to use a bathroom. He's gonna take a leak in the. And so, but I saw him he's out there using the bathroom, but he's got his phone open looking through social media at the same time. So I jumped out there and scared him.

Really good. It was, it was funny. But, but I thought about that. I'm just about to talk about stress. I'm just about to talk about why we're so stressed. Mm-hmm it's because there's no time to rest and I'm thinking. You know, 200 years ago, dudes used the bathroom outside all the time. Right. And they, they would use the restroom and it was actually a rest break, right.

Rest room, right? Like you're using the rest room, it's a rest break. You're just like, you know, you see the trees or whatever. And, uh, and but now here Trey is using the bathroom, but he's got his, his face stuck in social media. Mm-hmm, scrolling through. And it's what you don't realize is you think you're resting, but you're not.

It's called distraction addiction. It is where we constantly need something to distract us from really. Like pausing and resting. Yes. And processing. It's like, oh, there's a dead space. What do I need to be doing? Oh, let me look at this. And then we look on our phones and we check our text, we check our emails, we check social media and, and we're distracted.

Mm-hmm but we want that distraction because we're almost crave it. You crave it cuz you are fearful of. Of this just quiet space, right? It's like, we've actually become almost fearful of that. That's funny you say that because the real issue isn't the stress, the real issue. Isn't the busyness. The real issue is the prolonged release of a adrenaline mm-hmm that comes as a result of.

and that's what we're gonna jump into today into what I'm gonna start with is talking about stress, where it comes from and what happens. Mm. And then we're gonna jump into some, some, just talking about it and some practical things, because one of the biggest issues, robbing people of who they are today and robbing marriages yeah.

Is crushing marriages is increased stress. Right. But stress isn't the problem. You know, stress is just pressure. You're supposed to have pressure like tire pressure in our car. You're supposed to have a healthy level of pressure in your. Like you're supposed to have pressure air pressure in your tire.

That way your car can move. If you deflated it and had no pressure and had literally a stress free life, you're not gonna accomplish anything. Right. So we need stress. We need some stress, but we've gotta manage it properly. Right. Otherwise it'll ruin every relationship that we have because we're ruining ourselves.

But the real issue, isn't the stress, the real issue is what our bodies do. Yes. To handle the stress. Right. So let me just, I remember when I was first introduced to this concept just before you get started, that's good. It was probably almost 10 years ago. A friend of mine gave me the book, um, the healing code.

Oh. And it was one, it was such a good one. And it was the first time I really. Thought about the consequences of stress mm-hmm and, and actually decided that I was gonna do something about it. And the whole premise of the book is just that stress is the culprit of all disease. It is that our bodies, when we're healthy, we can handle stress.

But when there's some kind of, when either we have been hurt or we are pre, pre. Predisposed, sorry. Yep. To disease or, you know, if we, if we are genetically pre predisposed, , having a hard time with that. Word's predisposed predisposed. Um, then stress, we really have to pay attention to the things that, to the stressors in our life, because it will always hit at the point of weakness.

That's exactly right. And so we, and so as I began to read this book, I began to be, heightenedly aware of the power of stress in my life and that I really needed to, to learn how to manage it, because, you know, anytime that anytime that you become sick, it's because you, your body has been under some kind of stress.

Yeah. And we're actually designed and, and made so incredibly. Strong that we can, we can actually with withhold a lot of stress mm-hmm in our lives. But see, the thing is is that if you, you can't be one with your spouse, if you're not fully whole, if you're allowing stress to come in and it's wrecking you because you don't know how to manage the adrenaline rush, that happens because of that stress.

That's where the real problem is. Yeah. It's the adrenaline rush. I'm I'm reading this great book by Dr. Archibald. Um, and I would suggest you guys, I mean, you gotta, he's got these two books. One is called the anxiety cure, but the other that's like part two, but that, uh, the, the one book that I'm reading right now is called adrenaline and stress.

The exciting new breakthrough that helps you overcome stress damage his whole, and he's a psychologist. So he's got research and all this stuff, but his whole thing is that stress. Isn't the problem. And which I fully agree with the release of adrenaline and not being able to control that is what the really pro is, what the real problem is.

But let me just back up real quick and just say that stress is anything that, that changes your resting equilibrium. Hmm. So just think about this for a second. You're at rest you're at peace. Where are you right now? You might be driving in your car, um, on your way to work. Or maybe you're, maybe you listen to the beauty and battle podcast when you come home and the kids are asleep or they, you, you, after you put the kids to bed after dinner or whatever, and you're like, okay, I want to hear, uh, I wanna hear Tori's jokes.

Let's see what Tori's jokes are like. And now you're just chilling. You got a nice little cup of coffee or whatever it is, and you're chilling on your back deck. You are at rest right now. Now, anything that changes your resting equilibrium. is stress. Okay. Now here's what I didn't know. And I'm learning from this book.

This can be good things and bad things. So we think what causes stress is only bad things like a busy schedule or anger or frustration or agitation. What I didn't realize and what I'm learning from this book is that things that excite you and things that challenge you and things that you enjoy doing can also cause the same physiological response, which is a body response that bad things.

So anything that causes adrenaline excitement. Well, what does that mean? So stress is normal and good, but it's only supposed to be temporary. Hmm. Like our lives are supposed to be like a pattern of Hills and valleys, you know, where you've got the, uh, the, the moment of excitement or the moment of frustration or the moment of busyness, but then you've gotta come back down and rest.

And it has to be like that where you've got, uh, increased stress followed by low relaxation of the mind and body. Hmm. Well, how does that. Well, so I, I did this in one of my Bible studies and I think it might be helpful right here, tos. So tell me if you think it makes sense, but in one of our, when, when in one of our Bible studies we were talking and in the church, we've got, we've got four things.

We've got God. We've got the church. We've got people and we've got the world. So God creates the church. God, who's like the brain, God creates the, the church and the church is supposed to generate and create good, godly discipled people who go into the world. And then people are the messengers of the gospel to the world.

So, so follow me, God, church people. Hmm. Now our bodies are set up the same way. We've got brain glands, hormones, body. Hmm. So our brain, that's the, that's the, the ultimate controller there. We have these glands. So the brain sends messages to our glands. Our glands create hormones and hormones are the messengers of the body that go to the organs and tell the organs what they're supposed to do.

Wow. So we've got brain glands, hormones, body that mirrors God, church, people, world. So we're the light of the world. That's supposed to go out into the world and, and heal it. Right? Well, that's what our brain does with glands and glands, produce hormones and hormones go throughout your body. You're supposed to heal.

Right. So a few of those, uh, hormones that are created by our glands, our adrenal glands specifically, and, and I've learned all this stuff. So I'm not like an expert. I've just read a lot of stuff on this and, and I've so intriguing. Boil it down to help when. You experience a stress event in your life, right?

And that stress event could be the birth of a new child. It could be, uh, your son's baseball game. It could be, uh, you just lost a job. It could be that you're in busy traffic in New York city or the armpit of new, uh, America, New Jersey highways. Um, it could be any of those, right? What happens is that's a stressed event and your body, uh, releases two things.

And then I'm done to, and I want you to move on and get, get our conversation moving, but it releases two things, adrenaline and cortisol. Okay. So adrenaline gives you energy. Adrenaline is a hormone that goes to your body and says, wake up. There's a, there's a threat, right? It's fight. It's flight. It's flee, it's flock.

It's whatever. It's like. It's like, um, if I'm watching a, a, a basketball game and Curry hits a three pointer and everybody jumps to their feet, you know what you're watching is everybody in that crowd. Has just had an adrenaline release in that moment where they're jumping to their feet. Right. That's a good thing.

Right. But imagine if they had to stay in that posture for three solid hours, like, ah, like imagine how exhausted your body would be because of that. Mm-hmm so they jumped to their feet, they cheer Curry, just hit a three and then they sit back down. Right. So that's what happens. So adrenaline gives you that energy at the same.

A hormone that's released whenever you have a stressor event is cortisol now cortisol regulates organ function. So, so adrenaline gives you energy. Cortisol comes to the certain organs and says, okay, so here's the deal right now. You need a lot of energy. So it's going to your stomach and it tells your stomach, I don't need you to be digesting right now because I need this energy to do this thing, right?

So you're walking in a, in a park and all of a sudden you see a snake. You almost step on it and you take off running well, in that moment, you had a stressed event, a stressor event, your body released adrenaline gave you the energy. It also released cortisol that in that moment, your pancreas didn't work like it's supposed to just in that brief moment and it causes things to shut down.

That's what cortisol does so that you can respond to that adrenaline. Yeah. Uh, release now elevated stress though is like pressing the gas. In your car and never letting off. Yeah. And even if you're sitting in park and you just press the gas, go to 80 RPM or, or, you know, 2000 RPM or whatever it is and just leave it like that, ultimately your engine's gonna break.

Right. It's not supposed to happen like that. So that's kind of a, a, um, my technical way of saying that when a stressor event happens, which it's supposed to, we have to figure out ways to where we can manage our adrenaline release. Wow. It's very important. And I think it's so interesting to, to look at it the way you, you were just talking because so many times we think that neg, that stress is a negative thing.

Yeah. But stress can also come through things that we actually love to do. Yeah. I love it. We're made to do mm-hmm , you know, that are full of joy and excitement. It's not, you know, I think that we think of stress as being a very negative thing. Mm-hmm but stress comes through. Things that we enjoy things that we love.

And we were actually just had, um, our, our oldest son and some of his friends over yesterday. And one of 'em was talking about how he is, you know, doing real estate and he loves it. And it's so exciting. It's so great. And he's closing deals and it's amazing. But then once the weekend comes and he's not closing deals and he's not like in it.

Yeah. He feels. Like this crash, this huge dump and what he doesn't, you know, and he's like, I don't, I don't, I almost feel like I'm depressed, you know? Yeah. Yeah. But really it's. That his, you know, that his body, his adrenaline is up and his dopamine is, feels good. Yeah. Everything feels good. And I think that we just need a kind of a basic understanding of how our bodies work.

Yeah. How adrenaline works and how, um, You know, when that happens to give some space. I think sometimes that negative feeling that comes after, like, I don't feel joyful anymore. I don't feel, yeah. You know, cuz your body's coming down. It's like the way that we're actually thinking that makes us feel depressed.

Like we think that it's so negative, but we can say, oh my body's telling me I need rest. This is so good. Rest is a good thing. And recovery is a good thing. And it's how we look at those times of rest in recovery. That will help us to, to manage that stress. Well, because we're not looking at it like, oh my goodness, this is such a bad thing.

Like, what's wrong with me? No, this is your body saying it's time to rest. It's time to recover. This is a good thing. Yeah, that's the same thing I was saying to Trey. Uh, and he he's out, you know, in the woods using the restroom and it's like, bro, what you don't realize is you just checking social media every time that you have a, a, a moment where you're a little bored is, is increasing the stress in you and your body is releasing a, a tiny bit of adrenal.

Because you're seeing all these things and you just gotta relax. It's the same thing that we had a conversation with our kids yesterday, we're driving to the lake, both of 'em pop their phones open and uh, I'm like, Hey guys, listen, okay, finish whatever you're doing. But then I got some good music on, we got a 30 minute ride, look out the window and just enjoy the ride.

Yeah. What you don't realize is EV if every time there's a down moment, Like where you could be bored or whatever the TV's on or the radio's on, or I'm looking at my phone or whatever, or I have to call somebody and talk with 'em and you're not just at peace and rest. You will, you will, it will, your body will struggle.

Right. Your body will end up breaking down. Yeah. Instead of resting, you're looking for ways to distract from yeah. Negative feeling Uhhuh, you know, Uh, I was actually listening to this podcast from Dr. Joanne Rosenberg last week. It was actually really, really helpful. She was talking about that. We, you know, we have.

Feelings that we would consider negative feelings, but if we can learn how to handle those feelings yeah. That we can, we will feel a sense of power. Mm-hmm like never before we will feel confident, we'll feel secure because we tend to run away from distract from. um, react to we, to these negative feelings instead of just learning how to manage them.

Yeah. And how to, to actually move through them in a powerful way. Yeah. And she talks about the, a feelings being sadness, shame, helplessness, anger, vulnerability, embarrassment, disappointment, and frustration. All of those would cause stress mm-hmm right. Like they cause our body to feel a sense of stress.

Yeah. When we're feeling those, those, um, eight feelings. But she said, if you can just pause long enough and instead of trying to distract from grabbing your phone, like that makes me sad. I'm gonna distract. I'm gonna get on the phone or I'm gonna, I'm gonna just run to the grocery store. And you know, for me, sometimes I, I'm not fully present with what's going on because I'm just like, uh, I, I have this to do I have that to do, but if I can.

Have this negative feeling and actually be present with it just for a moment. She said it usually lasts the physical feeling of a negative, uh, the physical manifestation in your body from a negative feeling only lasts 90 seconds. That if you can ride that wave out without distracting, without running from it.

Yeah. Then you will become powerful to handle like, okay, you know what? You know what though? I feel I. Sad right now for this reason. There's some truth behind this, but I can handle this. Mm. You bring the holy spirit in. She, she, she didn't say this, but in as believers, we bring the holy spirit to help her in.

You say, God, help me to process this. Well, help me to manage this well, right. Be like, don't just, uh, ignore it so that it becomes a buried emotion. Bring it to the, bring it to the light deal with it. Don't be afraid of the, the, the, the physical feeling. She said, you always get hit with a physical feeling.

Um, before any, before you, you were actually able to process it. So you'll feel nauseous. You'll feel a, if it's anger, you feel a, a heat wave come through your body. Yeah. I was gonna say, it's gonna be physical, right? I was gonna say earlier, you know what? To, if you told me that I was fat and ugly, you're no, no longer attracted to me that negative feeling might last a little longer than 90 seconds.

Maybe there might be some, there might be some, some residual. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, but, but I just thought it was, it was so good and helpful to know. And to be aware, to be self aware of those feelings that you're having so that you can deal with them. Yeah. Instead of running from them and distracting from, because if you're not, your body is releasing all this adrenaline, it's releasing cortisol.

It's, it's shutting down certain organs so that you can continue to do the thing you're you're doing. Mm-hmm it's again, picture yourself at a, at a pro football game and somebody scores a touchdown and you jump up and everybody's changing. Yeah. Imagine staying stuck in that. For three days, right? Like your body, literally your body.

I mean, you would be like, I, I need to drink now. Yeah. I need to sit down my heart rate's way too high. Yeah. But that's what happens when we overstimulate ourself. Right. And we over busy ourself. Yeah. There's a book that's called the body. Keep score. That's all about that. That. You may be able to tell yourself or try to convince yourself or disassociate from, or whatever it may distract from, but your body knows what's happening.

Your subconscious is holding on. So why is that important in marriage? Because we we're too busy. We are too busy and spouses, I mean, husbands wives, listen. if, if every moment that you have where you're not doing something like in terms of work or making food or dinner or whatever, you're pulling open your phones and you're looking at 'em and you're doing stuff like that.

And you're just constantly busy, busy, busy, busy. It is going to wreck your relationship. Mm-hmm . But not just that it's gonna wreck your body. Yeah. Because when, when those hormones are being released and. and then you go sit on an airplane and somebody got, you know, ha is on the plane and has a cold or whatever.

Your body's gonna be more susceptible to get that sickness because it's too busy. The, the hormones that would naturally build your immune system are too busy working to, to, to regulate your level of stress. Mm-hmm therefore you're opening yourself up to. Sickness and disease, right? That's that's why they call it DISE.

Right? I think Caroline leaf talks about that. You put yourself at a state of DISE because you're not managing the stress. You're not figuring out how to handle that adrenaline release. That's coming now. Here's the, here's the real question. How come sometimes we don't feel it. How come sometimes we're just so like, we love what we're doing.

We're just totally in it. We're, we're as busy as I'll get out, but we're having a good time. Well, the reason why is cuz our, our bodies are extremely well made and we have this thing called adaptability. It's like, if you're outside, it's light and then you walk into a dark room. Can you see anything immediately?

No, not immediately. No, but then what happens? You adjust, you adjust your, your eyes were made to adjust mm-hmm so your bodies will adapt to that busy schedule. You've got mm-hmm and you will feel like you're doing the right thing. Mm-hmm but in reality, you're killing yourself. Yeah. And he talked about how he had several patients, the psychologist, uh, Dr.

Archibald, har. Had several patients that literally to their dying day, once they cuz what he found was most of these people who were living hurried lives were getting coronary disease. They were getting heart disease. Wow. So they were having heart problems and uh, he said lit, he had several that died and up to their deathbed.

They said they lived a great life. They loved it. They. They just got heart disease. It's unfortunate, but what he attributed to all of that too, was just the elevated level of stress in their life where adrenaline was just stuck, you know, at elevated levers to try to control that stress and bring it down.

And, uh, and what they didn't realize was that they were overstimulating themselves to death. Wow. And when you've got families now, as busy as I'll get on, I mean, you've got travel ball, right. Is just way crazy. It's literally taking people's time away. And Tori and I have a few points we wanna make at the end of what we think that you can do to help with this stuff.

But it it's, you gotta make sure that you understand your body is adapted to it. Yeah. So you really don't feel it. Right. But it's like, if you gotta run a mile and you take off running really hard, you're not gonna feel it in that first a hundred meters. It's not gonna be that big of a deal. And you're gonna think 75 meters in, oh, I got this.

well get 300 meters in and all of a sudden things start to change. You're like, what's going on with me? Why, why do I have a problem? No, the problem is pace, right? you gotta slow down the pace of your life. Hmm. Another thing about stress, um, is that your body, your physical body can't tell the difference between a real or yeah.

Or an imagined. gosh, this is a real big problem with, with media. Now. I know that's what's happening. That's why social media's so dangerous. I mean, you're just constantly seeing things and movies, violent movies, and your body feels it. Mm-hmm because we have mirror neutrons, mirror, mirror, neurons, neurons.

Yeah. Jimmy neutron, Jimmy Tron. Hey, you guys should start using that. Now. I need to get a, t-shirt says we have mirror neutrons. No it's protons and neutrons mirror neurons. I don't even know what a neuron is, but I do know what a moron is, but a mirror neuron. Tori's right. Um, and, and so those of you who've heard our podcast, I talked a little bit about how I started having some anxiety events.

Like, because I I've lived this, I lived, I, I lived this, push the gas, let's go move, move, move. Uh, I had a verse on my, uh, um, ceiling, whenever I was, um, in high school, I had Philippians four 13. I can do all things through crisis strengthens me, but I also had another one up there that said, uh, a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest and poverty will come on.

You like a. And scarcity like an armed man, which is true. That's a proverb, but that's talking about trying to go out there and, and accomplish the world without just being faithful in the little things and then getting lazy and not getting up and getting at it. So, but I took that to the extreme, always this crazy, like, let's keep a schedule, busy let's move let's accomplish.

Oh. And then it, it, my body literally felt like about three or four months ago. I think it was, it felt like it started breaking down and. What happened during that time though was, uh, whenever my body was feeling like that I got to where I couldn't watch certain sh certain shows or movies that I used to could.

Yeah. You know, like, like if it was a, if it was a, a violent movie that involved somebody getting shot or stabbed or something like that, I was like, very a, like, couldn't watch it. Yeah. And so what I realized was is that I had watched movies like that for so long. I didn't realize that my body. Was holding that in through mirror neurons, right?

It's like it was causing an adrenaline moment, an increased stress. And my body would release adrenaline to try to try to regulate that stress mm-hmm . And then it was, I was stuck in, I was stuck with the foot on the gas and going through that kind of helped me to see that that's something that I do all the time, even more than you ever did.

Yeah. Is that when I see things like that, I feel it in my body. Right. And I like. Like it's really happening. And that is too much stress for me. It's it's, it's, it's not something that I need to be taking on. Yeah. It's like I have enough stress in my own life. I don't need to be watching. Yeah. Sally from some movie being stabbed and take on her stress and not just stabbed, but I mean, any type of show or movie that shows adultery, I'm not talking about the act mm-hmm I'm gonna talk about the act.

You need to get VI angel by the way. So you could watch some movie. Without having to worry about any language or nudity or anything like that. That's how we watch all the movies. Pretty much all the stuff that we really watch. Right. Unless it's clean. But if you're watching something where there is, there is someone who's got, who's married and got an eye out for somebody else who's married or whatever.

And they're gonna commit adultery, just watching that is a, she puts you on high alert. It's not necessary to be on high alert. It's a stressor event. Yeah. And, and you might be listening to this going, oh, this is way overboard. This isn't true. I mean, I, I can watch that. I've watched that for years and stuff.

Okay. Listen, just keep doing it then. Like, this is what we're telling you is that your body is experiencing something, but it's adapted to your lifestyle. Right. You've always watched those movies. Okay. It's going to hurt you. It's going to it'll catch up to you at some point. you know, mm-hmm . And so I think about the, the key where we said at the beginning is, is you don't have to avoid stress.

We need stress. Right. But we gotta change our thinking about it. Because if, if on the one side you can imagine a threat, like it's, it's the thought of imagining your house being broken into? I mean, how many of us have ever woke up in the middle of the night? And we thought, I think somebody just broke into my.

Yeah, yeah. 99% of the time, nobody broke into your house, but you're thinking it's true. Right? And therefore your body is experiencing that heightened, uh, stress. Right. And so adrenaline is released. Totally. Cortis cortisol is released. And, uh, I remember when you used to travel all the time, the kids were little.

I used to replay in my mind exactly what I would do when an intruder would come in, what child I would go get first and what that's so funny, how I'd get to the gun and how I would, you know, don't tell us who you picked first. no, it was it all. I got all the, no, it was about proximity. Yeah. It was just the logistics of it.

I was gonna get everyone out safely. yeah. If our kids are listening to this, they're. You know, have some insecurity for the rest of their life. Mom wouldn't have picked me. I would've saved all of you. Yeah. Um, but I came to a point where I was like, I cannot do this. Like I am, I'm losing sleep. I'm stress out of my, my mind.

Like replaying this in my mind. Glad I have to trust you. Yeah. And I have to let go of this, but man, the, just your mind can go crazy. Well, you know, fear is about a past or present threat mm-hmm but anxiety is about a future. and that threat is typically powerlessness. So it's, when you think that you're gonna be outta control or that there's, that, that you're gonna be powerless and you project that into the future, right?

That's what causes anxiety. Yeah. Projected powerlessness. It's a fear that you're projecting into the future. So that's why I wanted to bring that up about the imagination you have to in your mind, project power. Right? So maybe one of the things that's stressing you out right now is your. Maybe your, uh, wife and your husband, isn't being the man that you always wanted him to be.

And the man he promised he would be, and that's causing stress and you're thinking, oh no, is my 16 year old boy gonna turn out like him or what's their relationship's gonna be. And, and now you're projecting powerlessness into the future. What God would say to you immediately is don't let your heart be trouble.

I mean, Jesus says this in John 14 one. Don't let your heart be troubled trust also in me, project power into the future, over your relationship. And that will get you past your anxiety. So in the book, um, again, it's called adrenaline and stress by Dr. Archibald heart. It's a little old, but he updated it and he's got another one called the anxiety cure.

It's really good. But he talks about the goal being, finding the perfect balance between these three different dichotomy. Productivity and play pressure and pleasure and propulsion and peacefulness. So productivity and play you, you've got to in your relationship in your marriage know, okay. Uh, either one or both of us are working and we, we have times where we're the most productive, let's be as productive as humanly possible, but let, let's not stop playing.

Mm let's not stop dating each. Let's not stop doing those things. Yeah. Right. You've got to balance those. Yep. The next thing was pressure and pleasure. There are natural natural pressures in our lives, but we have to do those other things that balance that out. That bring us pleasure. Yeah. What is it that brings you pleasure.

Right? Like figure those things out and you guys talk about that. Get on the same page. What do we like doing together? Right. You know, and you're like, well, he likes doing his thing. I like doing my thing. Well, you gotta find some stuff to do together. Right. So, so true. So just pick it out and just find some stuff, pressure and pleasure, but then propulsion and peacefulness propulsion is the, that that desire to move and go and achieve and accomplish.

That's a very good thing. But you have to recognize that you have to also foster peacefulness in your mind. Mm I'm. Content God, for me, it was, if I don't write another book, God I'm okay. Because I felt for the last six years, Write another one right here. We gotta do another and do another one. I'm so glad that I wrote the ones that I wrote, but this year, when it came time to do the seventh and I started making preparations for it, that's when I had my anxiety thing.

And one of the things that God told me at that point was stop. Yeah, relax. I want you to enjoy just being with me, not writing about me all the time, just being with me, just be at peace. Wow. And that was one thing that I had to learn propulsion and peacefulness. And so. I think what, what I wanna leave with, and we're talking a little bit longer than we typically do.

I typically like to keep podcasts 25 minutes or less, but before we, uh, end, I do want to give a couple little things that I think will help you, um, in your marriage and, and how you can help your spouse handle stress and marriage. Yeah. Uh, and I think this Tori said this one right before we started, but she said, you know, uh, it, it, it would be really good.

Well, actually, we were both talking about this one to build your schedule around your times of rest. So like you've gotta figure where, where you need hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly rest periods, anybody who has accomplished anything knows that for you to go 60 solid minutes is difficult when you, when you're thinking about deep work and productivity, 60 solid minutes.

And typically the way I like to do. I did it when I was building my business or, or when I'm in a real deep writing project, I'll go hard for 45 to 55 minutes. But I build in, I'm gonna take five minutes, you know, for me, I have this little writer's cabin out in the back and I'll walk outside. I'll take a couple deep breaths.

I'm a guy. So I'll find a good tree and use the bathroom or whatever, you know, of course, if you're in a place where you're sitting, where cubicles are, it's, it's where you get up and you walk and you go get a drink out of the drinking fountain. Yeah. Whatever, if you're a mom, it's whatever. I mean, tore you'd have go to the closet and have some chocolate shut the door.

Ask God why me. My husband's at work. Lock it. Turn a fan on, turn the vacuum on anything to drown out the noise. Yeah, he's out having lunch with his work buddies and I'm here cleaning up Mac and cheese out of one of my kids' hair. But so it's build your schedule around your time of rest. What we typically do is figure out all the stuff that we gotta do.

Mm-hmm and then we build our schedule around that. I think a better way is to build your schedule around your times of rest. So get with your spouse, figure out what's our annual rest gonna look like this is vacation mm-hmm , you know, these are things that you're gonna do with your family, or maybe the two of you are gonna do together.

Then look monthly, like let's do some stuff monthly, like let's, let's make sure that every once a month, uh, after church on a Sunday, we're gonna go for a family hike. Stuff like that. Yeah. Really good for you to get out in nature, then look weekly. I mean, obviously that's why we were built, uh, by God, in his image with a, the need for a Sabbath rest, which means one day a week, it's gotta be one day a week.

Right? Pick one and let that be your time of rest. I think of all the people who work in churches Sunday is a, is a Workday for them, right? So typically Monday or Tuesday is a day of rest for them, but don't let anything bother that rest. Put your phone up and then daily. So daily, you know, if, if you're hourly, you know, you're taking, you know, three to five to 10 minutes every hour and doing something, then, then daily, it's like from 12 to 12, from 12 to one 30, I'm gonna go and I'm gonna hit my workout.

I'm gonna take a shower, you know, and I'm gonna drink a protein shake on the bake way back to work. And by the time you get back, that's an hour and a half, like, build that in. Right. And then build everything around. That'll really help you. So it's build your, build your schedule around your time of rest.

Number two, unbusy yourself. Okay. Even from the stuff you love. Hmm. So, I mean, Tori has said this before she actually deleted her. Was it all your social media off your phone? Or just Facebook and Instagram or whatever. Yeah. I, I that's the only took you got anyway. Yeah. A couple, a couple weeks ago. Cool. So Tori goes because I love checking it, but I'm checking it too much.

And so yeah, it, it became, it became like a habit. Yeah. Like I sat down and. All of a sudden I'm on Instagram. Yeah. Scrolling through recipes. I mean, it's, it's not bad stuff. It's good stuff. You know, I'm thinking, oh, Hey, what do I wanna make for dinner tonight? I'm gonna look at hers and hers and da, da, da.

But it became a, it became my habit. And I'm like, this is not the habit I want. I want there to be space for me to process life, to be present. Yeah. To take things in. But right now, anytime there's a little break. I find myself doing this. So I gotta, I gotta break this habit. And what you don't realize is even just scrolling through social media or whatever it is that you're doing, that, that you think is relaxing, but you're not really, it, it is as if you're still pressing the gas in your car.

Mm-hmm you have to take your foot off the gas, put it down. Uh, and then number three, when stress does come, uh, as it relates to marriage and, and whatever the schedules look like when stress does. Even from the outside, it would be really good for you to create a safe space for your spouse to talk about it.

Yeah. Because emotions buried actually never die. Right? You gotta be able to process it. And for you to be that, that, that partner, who your spouse can talk to and they can work it all out. Mm-hmm, , you know, out loud and say, I mean, it's totally R rated if it needs to be on how you feel, but then making sure that you pivot, right.

It's like process and pivot, process it out. Yep. And pivot to, but God, you. God you are king you're it's okay. Right. You got this. Yeah. One of the things that I learned, um, in studying the Enneagram is that there are certain numbers, certain people who have more of a tendency to skip over that part. Yeah. Of, um, of processing like you just jump to, but I'm good, but I'm good.

I got this. It's not a big deal. And, you know, If I, you know, you don't wanna deal with it because you don't, you're afraid of the, um, separation that it might, the conflict might bring, or you're afraid of, um, kind of sitting in disappointment or being stuck in negative feelings or whatever it may be. But, um, you can't skip over that part.

Yeah. It will catch up to you and your body will feel it and you will, you will lose energy. If you don't deal with it. Yeah. Like there, there has to be a processing time. Your body will store. Yeah. And what we've learned, those feelings, your body, like literally, I mean, some people, some dudes are gonna lose their hair regard.

But if you've got thinning hair and you're not the type of person, like maybe you're a woman or whatever, and, and your body isn't predisposed to losing hair, but now your hair is thinning. That that's one way that your body is talking to you. Like right. Maybe some stressor events going on, Tori had thinning hair for a while and you figured some things out and we're able to, I'm waiting for it to all grow back.

No, it's looking hot. It's looking hot, but it's, it's just pay attention to your bodies. So yeah, that that's, um, That's a wrap for today tour I'm, I'm just pumped to be able to talk about this because it's such a big issue for people individually, but we're seeing how it's coming in and becoming a monster issue for people yeah.

In their relationship. When we get too busy, we get hurried. And then that stress comes in and then our bodies release that adrenaline and cortisol to try to regulate that stress. If we don't find times of rest, if we don't find times to get away and, and enjoy each other, like what I was saying from this book productivity with play pressure, with pleasure, propulsion, and peacefulness.

If we don't figure out the right balance of that, it's gonna ruin our marriage. It's gonna ruin our bodies. That's no, that's no way to live. No, it's not, but we gotta wrap this up. Let's do it. Um, would you rather, you ready? I am. Would you rather have to clean all the toilets in your town or have to smooch all the dirtiest people in your city?

Uh, now when you say smooch, we're not talking about like open mouth. No, just here. Just a little smooth. Okay. Some smooches you would rather. Have you would rather kiss dirty people in your city than clean the toilets in your town? Yeah. Ooh. Oh. Did you say clean the toilets? Yeah. Clean the toilets. Ooh. Okay.

Let me go to the toilets. Yeah. Yeah. I don't mind cleaning a toilet. That's one awkward. I don't know. Two. I totally missed that. I'm thinking like drinking toilet water. That's really gross. No. Wow. Yeah. Okay. I, these, these would you rather. So like random. Yeah, we need, if you've got a, would you rather, we have a book that we go through, send it to us.

This was fun. Thanks for hanging with us. This, uh, I, I think Satan is really attacking couples with through distraction, right? It's causing stress and that's no way to live. God wants you to thrive in your marriage. He doesn't want you to just survive. But you're only as fast as your slowest leg. Mm-hmm so we all got, and you can, it's possible.

You're you're more powerful. You're more capable than you believe. Yeah. So you got this, we got this. You wanna sing your song tour? let's just end thanks for hanging with us. Don't forget to rate, review, subscribe, and until next time we'll see you next week. How about that? We'll see ya. Bye-bye that's so good.