Beauty in Battle Podcast

Connecting Deeper With Your Spouse

June 28, 2022 Jason Benham, Tori Benham Episode 26
Connecting Deeper With Your Spouse
Beauty in Battle Podcast
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Beauty in Battle Podcast
Connecting Deeper With Your Spouse
Jun 28, 2022 Episode 26
Jason Benham, Tori Benham

This episode will blow your hair back (assuming you have hair!).  We interviewed some close friends of ours, Eric and Rachel Beck, about how to connect deeper with your spouse by discovering the unconscious emotions that fuel your emotions.

You guys are going to love these two! Eric is a rock-star business coach who's helped thousands of entrepreneurs own their business without it owning them. Rachel is a former model turned wellness coach who's created eight online courses to help women heal from the inside out.

They have been married for going on 25 years, have six boys, and live in Colorado. Our discussion with them will help you immensely if you want to connect with your spouse in ways you never thought you could.

In this episode, you'll learn:

* How to discover the unconscious emotions that fuel your behavior.
* How to spot and deal with emotions that are fueling your spouse.
* Four keys to dealing with conflict that they call "Fight Club Rules."

This episode will bless your socks off, so you might as well grab a cup of coffee, kick back and enjoy this powerful interview with Eric and Rachel Beck.

You can learn more about Rachel's program HERE

Show Notes Transcript

This episode will blow your hair back (assuming you have hair!).  We interviewed some close friends of ours, Eric and Rachel Beck, about how to connect deeper with your spouse by discovering the unconscious emotions that fuel your emotions.

You guys are going to love these two! Eric is a rock-star business coach who's helped thousands of entrepreneurs own their business without it owning them. Rachel is a former model turned wellness coach who's created eight online courses to help women heal from the inside out.

They have been married for going on 25 years, have six boys, and live in Colorado. Our discussion with them will help you immensely if you want to connect with your spouse in ways you never thought you could.

In this episode, you'll learn:

* How to discover the unconscious emotions that fuel your behavior.
* How to spot and deal with emotions that are fueling your spouse.
* Four keys to dealing with conflict that they call "Fight Club Rules."

This episode will bless your socks off, so you might as well grab a cup of coffee, kick back and enjoy this powerful interview with Eric and Rachel Beck.

You can learn more about Rachel's program HERE

I'm really pumped about today because Tori and I have some very special friends in, from. Veil Colorado. Is that where you guys live? No, no, we live kind of south of Breckenridge. Oh gosh. I was wrong. It's still, you got the Colorado club. It's it's close veil. Breckenridge, couple hours. Aspen. Denver. Yeah.

You know when you're from Texas, which I am, then it's all just kind of the same. It is it's it's not Texas. Yeah. You live, you live in everywhere else. Yeah. Right. You live in one of the 49 lesser states. we have Eric and Rachel Beck with us. Uh, for many of you that know anything about David and. We are business partners with Eric, uh, on our entrepreneurial training company called expert ownership.

Eric is our master coach and he's our wizard. And he's the guy that basically gives us all our good content on our expert ownership podcast. We talk about a lot of good stuff over there, but what I didn't realize though, was that his wife is really the brains that Rachel is smart as you are, or she's done.

How many courses. How many courses have you created so far? Eight you've created eight courses. Yeah, but I feel like there's another 10 in there easily. Oh, oh my goodness. I agree. A percent. So I'm gonna butcher it. Uh, your website is what? Rachel Rachel Beck Rachel Beck. Wellness. Okay. Tell us real quick.

What you do before we dive into some marriage stuff. I love it. I like to work with women to help them age well from the inside out. So it's root cause wellness, and it's starting with spiritual wholeness, maturity, cultivation of character. And yes, I love to talk about skincare and dry brushing and the importance of exercise and sleep, but all that will only get you so far.

And really the foundation is the root cause wellness and I love giving women a vision for feeling their best at any age and at any stage. It's practical. Grace filled strategic resources, check it out. I love it. Yeah. Rachel is such a wealth of knowledge. I have learned so much and it's only been a little less than a year.

Yeah. That I've known you, but she has helped me so much. And if you are sitting across from her, you would want to know her skin care tips for sure. Very so, because you're how old. 47 47, almost 48. She looks like she's 30 so you have to jump on her website and check, check out her stuff because it has been super helpful.

So I'm really, really, and, and I'm really glad that we're all friends because now I pick Eric's brain all the time. Like your husband is my business coach and we work together, but yet I'm always like, okay, so Eric, what, what about this? Or what about this? And every time he lectures and, and does anything when, in terms of our coaching.

I'm always one of the guys in there, like I've got my phone out. So I'm hoping that you don't think I'm texting or anything, but I'm like, joting down all these notes, but now it's like now Rachel and Tori know each other. And so Tori's coming back going. You're not gonna believe what Rachel just taught me.

It's so incredible. I'm like, that's what I feel like when I'm with Eric. Yes. So here's what I love is that you guys don't have you're, you're not like platform builders. Mm-hmm, , you're not out there, like on social media, trying to build your platform. And, and here's what I love. Well, I'm just gonna say, I love it about me and Tori absolutely.

Is that we do not care if you have a platform and that's not the only way you're gonna get on our podcast. Right? You guys have stuff mm-hmm you guys have, God has put some things in your hearts and in your minds, and you've given you life experiences that can help other couples, period. You helping businesses and entrepreneurs.

Eric, Rachel, you helping women with some of the stuff that. Talked with Tori about mm-hmm . And so I'm like Tori, they're in town. We're doing this business event. Both of you guys spoke yesterday and it's funny. I got a feedback. Um, we got a feedback form from one of our, uh, attendees at our business thing.

And it was so funny. He said, all your stuff was great and Eric is always extraordinary as well. But man, you guys need to give more time to Rachel. Yes, sure. It was Eric qui for sure. Yeah. Rachel needs more time for sure. Yeah, it was so good. So we gotta do more time for you, Rachel. Aw, thank you. I would be honored.

So that being said, um, knowing that you guys, uh, have an extraordinary relationship married, how. Oh, 20, 23, almost 24 up. Wow. 24 years. You're both entrepreneurs. You're both business owners. Um, and you guys have six boys. Mm. What are the age? What's the age range. And actually we have been married 24 and a half, almost 25 because our oldest is 23.

That's right. Yeah. And then 21, see, eventually math gets a little, like what year was that? Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, so, yep. Yep. And so, yeah, 23, 21. 1615 mm-hmm 11 seven. And you homeschooled all of them, right? Rachel? Yes. Yes. We have you homeschooled them all. And you did your eight courses and you, you know, Eric's got his, his monster business going with us and, um, and yet you guys are in love.

Yes, this is cool. It is cool. Yeah. I'm excited to hear, yeah. Some of what we're gonna talk about, but, but I want to kick off with this and, and then I want to turn it over. Well, I just want you guys to start talking and along with Tori, um, you said something yesterday, Eric, that I thought of, and I just loved it, but you said something that I thought, man, this is so good.

If people just get this, it'll help 'em in their marriages so much, but you said it in a business context, but obviously principles, they work that's right. No matter where you apply 'em that's right. That's the kingdom. If you don't transform your pain, you'll transmit it. Yes. Wow. That, that quote, if you don't transform your pain, you'll transmit.

I, I want to talk about that. I want to talk about emotions. What, what do we wanna dive into toward specific to emotions before we dive in, we have to do a joke. Oh, because we have to start it out the way we always start it out. I totally forgot that but this week, this is the cutest thing ever. I hold before me a note.

From their 11 year old Liam, who we got to meet a few weeks ago. Oh, I love him. Sweetest kid. And he snuck this in your bag. Is that right? Rachel yes. Before we made it into the, the goodness, I love it so much. So he gave us his best jokes. Yes, he's awesome. So I'm gonna read some from Liam who listens to this.

Every dad, Liam, you're famous. so. I'll never date an apostrophe again. The last one was too possessive.

I love it. That's a smart kid joke. I love it. Okay. I'm gonna do one more because I'm sitting there going what's possessive. Have to do withe okay. Wait a second. I think I did learn that okay. A steak pun well done is a rare medium. Okay. so that's awesome, Liam. Thank you so much. That was so sweet. And can you tell us real quick what sweet Liam did right before you left your trip?

I thought that was the sweetest story ever. What? She blew my mind. He's gonna be a great husband one day. Cause he treats his mama, right? Yes, that's right. That's right. Well, Eric has set an amazing example as a true gentleman. And Liam has followed his lead. Liam saw that I had my little roll on, carry on and.

Travel bag and my jacket. And without being asked, he. Took those to the car and he so sweet load them in and he like carefully positioned everything in, oh, my certain locations. And then he said, mom, I made you a surprise. Oh. And he had made me this extraordinary cup of cha tea seasoned in a very particular way.

Oh, what? And a little travel cup and the last blueberry muffin. Yep. For who? For the road. I know. That's how I feel every day. I'm just like you, you inspire me. I am so blessed to be your mom. That is the sweetest thing. Well, you must be responding well, if he wants to do that for you, that is true. Now that's a good point.

Or, you know, and I've tried to teach my boys, you know, however you treat your mom is how you're gonna treat your wife. You know, mm-hmm and no matter what we do to train 'em they're they have their own personalities. So obviously Liam is different than sure. You know, so Judah or whatever. I mean, all your boys are great boys, but I just, I, I love that, but now I, I wanna jump back into what I said there at the, at the beginning where if you don't transform your pain, you'll transmit it.

Uh, Rachel, I know you've talked a lot with Tori about emotions and Tori and I we're definitely on this emotion kick mm-hmm with traditional Chinese medicine showing how. Uh, unprocessed emotions get trapped and they go down in your organs and it reeks havoc on your body. You'll look older than what you should look.

I mean, you'll feel older and it's just not good. So I, I wanna talk emotions. I wanna get into that, but start with that thought. Maybe, maybe Eric, you kick off, uh, with, with cuz you said the quote and then let's hand off to your wife and then let's just have a really good conversation around emotions and how we can become emotionally intelligent.

Uh, in, in our marriages. Well, I think it starts with, uh self-awareness. Yes, I do. I mean, that's. It's a struggle. Now you may have seen some of the funny movies. I can't remember which one it is. It's one of, it's not Mr. Bean, but it's one of the spy movies. He's in the hilarious, and, and he's talking about emotional leakage and it's so hilarious and uncomfortable.

And I don't vouch for the whole movie, but there's some funny sayings, but , um, but it's this idea of what I don't know that I'm doing. So let's say that like a week ago, um, somebody got really, you know, upset with me. And, and I'm, and we kind of resolved it, but it's a, it's it's a while later now. And, um, someone's like, Hey, can you hand me that thing?

And I'm like, no, you should get it yourself. And I don't even realize that that's come out of me. And the person's like what I was just asking for the thing. Right. It's confusing to both parties. Right. I think that's a good example of being emotionally unaware because what we may think is that, because I don't feel the emotion of the trauma or the conflict that I had, that it's gone.

Mm. And it's not gone. It's not gone in fast and you may have even forgot you had that. Exactly. And then let's go back to childhood traumas. Mm-hmm um, which could be small. Sometimes we think of childhood trauma as like, wow, you got beat when you're a kid. Right. Or you, you know, there's this horrific event, obviously that is trauma.

Right. But no child has no trauma. Mm-hmm because they're being raised by human beings. Yep. And human beings forget, or they make a slight little comment. Like, I don't think you could do. and they hear that in their head for 20 years. I know. Like, so part of it makes you so nervous to be a parent. I know, cause you're like, oh no, I messed something up.

I even feel bad right now. As you said that mm-hmm, said certain things same, same, but the, the good news for it though, is that, um, we don't have to have this worldview of, um, never make a mistake as a parent. What we do wanna have as a worldview. We can teach you to transform pain. Hopefully we're not causing much of it, but the world will surely show up and bring the, the, the difficulties.

And so if we can, we can transform our pain. We won't transmit. It means that in that SIM example, I was given a second ago of, of if I've, I've got the moment where there's a problem and I'm like, okay, What is my response to that. And we all know that we can either be, um, we can run away from problems. Yes.

Right. These are the, um, attachment styles, right? Mm-hmm um, we can run away. We can clean mm-hmm we can wanna fix it. We can wanna fight. We can wanna just do what everyone else is doing. You know, fight flight flock fix. I've heard it serious. All right. Mm-hmm but there's a style that we learn in childhood.

To cope with how we're gonna solve this problem. Cuz as children, when there's a problem, it's an existential problem. It's a survival problem, right? If I'm left out of the group. Mm right. I won't live. And while a five year, old's not maybe literally thinking that the emotional body is thinking that. Right.

So then we come up with a coping mechanism. That helps us survive. Right. And then when we don't process that as adults, all those same coping mechanisms are running our emotional lives for us. And then we're unconscious, so that wow. Self awareness right. Of our emotional state, right. Is just, is just huge.

Wow. Yeah. Yeah. It's so good. Um, so if we can talk a little bit about how do you take emotional responsibility? What has that looked like for you in your marriage? And when did it, it kind of come to you that this was something that, that was a responsibility of yours to take? Well, certainly gradually it wasn't anything that someone presented to us yeah.

In a box and said, this is your solution, right? Yeah. But I think there's certainly the trial and error. And you realize you're stuck in a dynamic that is not working. Yep. We've only had this happen once, but, you know, we make great use of it. once every couple of hours, we're the first 15. Right. That's great.

So the great thing is that if we keep a growth mindset, mm-hmm we will get there. Right. That's good. Okay. So pause there. Growth mindset. Okay. Unpack that just for a second. Ah, if we keep a growth mindset, what does that mean? Always realizing that we're not looking. You know, I think it's at first Corinthians three, that's like, don't look to the right or left stop comparing yourselves among yourselves.

It's foolishness. Wow. We don't wanna compare ourselves and say I'm better than so. And so's wife. Yeah. Like he should be so grateful. I handled that beautifully. Yes. Right, right. That's good. Well, how did you handle it relative to Christ? Right? Can we close that gap at all? Right, right. Yeah. I think there's some room for progress there.

Yeah. so it's the idea of, you know, even if you handle it right on the outside. Yeah. Like what were your thoughts? Are, are you keeping an account of wrongs? Oh yes. I had a gentle answer, but that's going on a tally, right? Yeah. So we don't want to do this. Right. So the growth mindset. Yes, how you handle it, how quickly you respond.

Well, mm-hmm, how quickly you burn the account of wrongs, how quickly you can retell the story in redemption. I think so much of this emotional awareness is the. Ability to understand the narrative that you unconsciously are filtering. Yes. Our partner's behavior through. Okay. Mm-hmm now we're getting real.

Mm-hmm I kind of want you just to keep going, right? Yeah. That's really good. Talk about this for a second, how it can flip in the conversation. So if I'm doing something that's really annoying you, I think really good emotional awareness is that at some point when the dynamic is not progress, She can tell I'm in a fixed mindset.

Like I am trapped in a loop mm-hmm that she starts realizing, oh, I'm not just talking to Eric. Who's 50. I'm talking to Eric. Who's 20 and Eric who's eight. Right now, those humans are existing in him in some way

where his pain hasn't yet been transformed. Because if you account that to. The 50 year old, you're like, you should not be behaving. How can you, like, we go into so much judgment. Yeah. Right. But we realize, oh wait a minute. That little part of us, and maybe there's a hundred parts or 13 parts or 50 parts that we grow with that one part might still be about 12 years old.

And this situation just brought it up in the enemy will whisper in her ear and say, look at that. And not as the 12 year old. Right. You know, and when you see it, she was saying redemption, you know, you see it as. That's little five year old, Rachel, I'm not mad at little five year old. Rachel, do you suggest not saying that in the middle of the, the argument?

Hey, that's five year old, Rachel, correct. We call that. What do we call that? Don't therapize. Don't therapize your partner. that is so destructive, but I mean, you're, you're being funny and it is funny, but that's really important what you're saying. Yeah. It's very important. So we never want to condescend.

Mm. And be like, oh, you're acting like a five year old. Mm. But in our heart, what can be very helpful? And I'll tell you where at, for this, it starts with me. Mm. Is when I am processing pain apart from the situation later. Mm. And I'm like, wow, this is never gonna work out. Or this thing's not, I'm so upset about this thing.

Or how do I do this thing to realize, Hey, Hey, That might be six year old. Eric, how would you treat a six year old? Yes. Who came to you with a six year old problem? Yes. Like my toy broke. Mm-hmm you'd be like, I get that buddy. Yeah, that is so, oh man. That is, I know we can fix this, but right now, let me just give you a hug.

Yeah. You know what? Just look at my eyes. It's gonna be okay. Mm-hmm when you start to give yourself that kind of care, you are re embodying the love of Christ. Wow. For you at that age. You're reparenting in that moment. That's good. And that's what I, if I work on that, on my. Then when we have a conflict, I'm not gonna say, well, you act on a five year old, but I'm thinking five year old, Rachel, this is someone else's daughter.

Like your guys' daughter. That's right. Who's in a crisis moment. Mm-hmm how would you approach your, your neighbor's daughter? Yeah, who's just really falling apart over something as a 12 year old. Right. You know what I mean? It totally reframes. And now it's redeemable because now I'm partnering with her, for her healing.

Yeah. Right. She's partnering with me for my healing instead of blame. Rachel, sorry to, I was just gonna say it reminds me of the quote that we say all the time, how you see the battle term is how you fight the battle, this changes perspective completely. Exactly. So that's really cool. Awesome. Um, Rachel, you, you, I, I think I'd like to take this into.

Two directions. And I think you can help us with both. Um, you said, uh, uh, that oftentimes our, our behavior and the things that we do is born out of something that's unconscious in us. So the first is how do we become more conscious of that? Like how can we become more self aware? And the second is what Eric was talking about.

How sometimes it's not 50 year old. Eric, that's talking to you. It's five year old, Eric. How can you then as a spouse, help them out of that. So can you take us those two different directions? Those are great questions. Thank you. . Yeah, and I always feel like everything we learned, we paid such a dear price for mm-hmm I am committed to a return on the investment.

I want all the people. Yes. yes. Benefit. Yes. Right. So cultivating self-awareness I really feel like it starts with listening. Prayer. Ooh, there you go. It really does, because until you're able to steal yourself. You are unable to perceive anything. Mm. If you're walking around in the blizzard and everything's at speed running around you, mm-hmm, the ability to perceive goes way down, right?

Mm. And managing our schedule and our inputs. Mm. You know, it's possible to spend the entire day where there's always sound in the background and you're either speaking or listening, but it's constant verbiage and stimulation, et C. We want to be sure that we're creating space to digest what's happening, cuz otherwise something can happen at 11 and you don't really have time to realize that you're a little affected by it.

Right. And then something happens at 1145 and it kind of stacks a little bit. And then you get to one. and you overreact to something and it's because we didn't actually have the time to like, digest our food, like emotionally. Right, right. Like we're just piling a bunch of things on yes. And, and not really working through it.

Mm. So I believe that one of the main things we can do to support our spiritual growth and our physical health is in this category of essentialism and. It's not possible to just keep raising the bar infinitely and everything. Yeah. You have to create this space for that work, which takes a lot of energy and attention.

Right. And if you don't have the energy or attention, your rate of growth will greatly diminish. Mm. And you'll spend a lot of time cleaning up problems because you didn't take the time on the front end. You could have taken one unit of time to strateg. Or give yourself a 10 minute break to be still mm-hmm before you moved on with your day.

But instead we took 10 minutes to somehow intake something. And so we just have this backlog, and so we're not current with ourselves emotionally. Emotionally, we're still at 8:00 AM or we're still at 11, but it's two. And so we are reacting like time lag, right? So the self-awareness comes, I think, in being strategic in simplifying and getting great courage to say no to everything that isn't in the bullseye of your calling.

Right. And then you are more present to actually know what is happening in any given moment. And the time you spend in silence. Gives you the ability to understand your mind? Mm. Yeah, we all have a mind. That's like a car and you know, some cars pull, right. Or they pull left or they have these little quirks mm-hmm and we all have our vehicle.

Right. But most people don't know their vehicle and they're shocked that it's constantly pulling them. Right. Like, why do keep ending up in the ditch? Right. Like, well, you need to understand, you have a tendency towards that with this particular characteristic. And we all have our little unique mix of yeah.

Of events that pull us in the ditch. Mm. Like, you're gonna need to correct a. By moving the steering wheel steering wheel this way, if you wanna go straight. Mm. But you won't know that if you're not taking the time to observe your vehicle and that time and stillness lets you notice, does your mind go forward to the future and you're worrying?

Mm. Does it go backwards to the past and you're blaming or grieving or is it jumping all over the place and you learn the bent of your mind and until you know what you're working with, you can't even make the correction. Wow. And then you understand. All right. I have a habit of mm-hmm , you know, anxiety, regret.

There's probably 10 versions of this, but those are two good examples. Right, right. Yeah. And then you go, all right, so this is what I'm working with. Mm. And then, then you begin your, your mental rehabilitation process. you're like father, I need my mind renewed and. Yes. And it's not, if you have these, we all have several, I mean, we usually have one or two dominance mm-hmm and the other ones might come and go seasonally with particular circumstances that trigger them.

Sure. But when you understand your bend, then you're like, look, that's almost like a, a distortion. Right. And I'm gonna bring that forward, not just in my silence, but in my action. Wow. Wow. So how do I correct for that? And how do I, what scriptures do I memorize? What teachings do I absorb? And then, and I'll pause for a second, but the other aspect of self-awareness is feedback, right?

Oh gosh. That's I don't want feedback. No, we just went, wait now we're in it. Yeah. Like if I noticed that I'm getting a particular reaction from Eric and all my boys, is it more. Intellectually Integris or spiritually Integris to think, well, they're all messed up. Right. And I am doing just fine. This is working yeah, no it's or is it like, you know, actually everyone's telling me that I have a tendency to drive.

In this ditch. Wow. And even though I feel like I can make all kinds of great reasons that that's just their filter mm-hmm maybe I would be wise yeah. So they may be telling you that feedback, they may be telling you with their mouth, but they may also be telling you by their actions by shutting down.

Absolutely. Because I would say probably the majority of listeners wouldn't you agree to, or probably women. Right. Um, and a lot with, uh, kids, you know, in, in elementary school. Right. You know, kind of age, what would you say to them? Rachel, if they're. I don't have time for anything right now. Like what, what's the encouragement that you would give to them?

Yeah, because obviously they, they need to be able to become conscious of what's going on. Yeah. And experience peace and. Tori has said this. I heard you say it yesterday. You said for 10 years you didn't sleep hardly, right? Yeah. Mm-hmm because you're so busy. First of all, if, if you're in that chapter of your life, I love you and you're not in the trenches alone.

Mm-hmm and it will this too shall pass. So I just wanna send you like a big virtual hug. Mm-hmm and it's a perfect opportunity to stimulate extraordinary growth because stressed plants. Have higher nutrient value. It's the stress plants that become the super foods. Wow. So you look didn't know that. Yeah.

You look at this, you know, if you have like four versions of frankincense four. The one with the least hospitable conditions will have the highest concentration of active ingredients. That's what I'm talking about. You Becks find out this stuff, like how do you know that she just writes it on post-it notes and I read it, but that's incredible.

Okay. And then she figures out a way to it's her to be good. It's very powerful. It's just, I mean, it's one of my favorite truths. I mean, how do you pick a favorite truth of the gospel, but this idea that our suffering is our salvation, right? It is. Take up your cross and follow me. So Jesus took his suffering and turned it into the ultimate good news for the universe.

Right, right, right. But he also took his suffering and said, I wanna show you how to take your suffering and turn it to the, the ultimate good news of your universe. Mm-hmm so ladies dance, get back to your question. If this is you, you're in the trench. You have no time. You have no money. You have no sleep.

Don't have enough support logistically and you feel like you're under. The constant demand under resourced. Right? I wanna encourage you. You know, for me in that time, there were three things I knew I could do. No matter what one, the number one thing is work on my thoughts when you're tired and you're stressed.

It's so easy to go into what you don't have. What's not working. What's too impossible. Mm-hmm and the most important thing is your spiritual posture and your mental habits. Mm. And to. God, please show me what to be grateful for. How can I create a future and hope what tiny goals can I make that I can feel a sense of progress with which I found to be essential mm-hmm and I might come back to that in a minute.

The other thing is, um, in addition to working on our thoughts is our posture. When I had no time to work out, I'm like, look, I can engage my abs up and in, I can draw my shoulders back and down. I can bring that chin back in the neck long I'm working on my alignment and I can actually build my, my spinal strength.

Yeah. Passively. In this position, or I can hold an unconscious position at the end of the day, my neck's totally seized up and my lower back hurts. So you're, you can work on your posture. And the third thing is your breath. Mm. Um, we all have to breathe and we normally breathe unconsciously, but if you bring consciousness to that activity and you're breathing more slowly and more deeply, it puts you in the parasympathetic nervous system.

What is, is that. What all mom need. I love that we all need that. So the parasympathetic nervous system is the rest digest and heal part of our nervous system. Oh, okay. And it allows, it tells your body. There's no threat here. We can heal. We can repair. We can be present. and nothing urgent is needed. The sympathetic nervous system is like, we need to get stuff done.

Maybe there's a threat, or maybe there's just a long. Maybe there's just a big agenda. And you're like, look, this is happening. Mm-hmm , so.

What's our, what's our spiritual posture. Mm-hmm, what thoughts are running our program. It's really, what's the filter we're, we're viewing our day through. Mm. Which is everything, the story that you're telling. Yes. You know? Yep. And then the posture and then the breath. So those are something we can do when we have zero resources.

I loved making literally three, one to five minute goals that I would like have tally marks. I would check 'em off every day. Mm. You know, cause it just felt like I can move you're celebrating forward. Can make this happen. I did it every month while you're homeschooling. For sure. Yeah, for sure. And you kind of have to, because you know, you're gonna get triggered and that parasympathetic sympathetic dichotomy mm-hmm those two opposites, right?

One rest and digest the other fight and flight. It's interesting because the breathing is what tends to take you, you know, into the rest and digest the focus you can, you're more aware on all levels. Yeah, that's true. And in the Bible, isn't it awesome that the word for the holy spirit, the word for spirit is pneuma, which is like pneumonia.

Holy breath, and proud of holy breath. Holy breath. When the holy breath comes upon us. Yes, we will receive power as the long high. Wow. Right. The real power is presence. And when we are triggered and we're playing those old, you know, habit patterns that fixed mindset. Wow. We're not in the present anymore.

We've we've lost the presence. Wow. You know what Tori's dad always says, I'd rather have bad breath and no breath at all. that's a good point. That's great. I love its good point. Is that very well timed? I love it. It did very well. Oh, that's so good. Where were we? Um, yeah. It's it's just amazing when you make those small goals and you have that sense of progress.

It's essential, especially as a mom, because often your day is being handed to you and you don't even get the agenda ahead of time. Right? Like, you don't know that, like someone's gonna make a big mess. It's gonna take 40 minutes to clean, then you're gonna be late and you're gonna have to deal with the implications of that.

Right. And on and on and on. Right. And it feels like someone else is running your day and they're mean . Yes. Right, right. So having a really good structure and then also. Practicing flexibility. It's like literally the balance of strength and flexibility that you want in your body for, for fitness. Right?

Wow. You don't wanna be too strong and not flexible at all. You don't wanna be super flexible, but have no strength. Yeah. Yeah. So you need the structure and you're like, God, give me a great plan for my day. And, and you're balancing, what's coming at you with your leadership, right? You are leading. But you're also noticing the patterns like, well, the kids kind of do this around 11 and everyone starts getting a little fight.

Maybe if I made lunch a little earlier, like you just start noticing. Yeah. You know, so you're taking prompts from, what's not working and be like, Hmm, how could I tweak that? So you're, you're you have the plan, you have the responsiveness and then you have tiny goals and those tiny goals, you know, I can remember times where it was 15 minutes in a day and it might be.

I'm gonna have a five minute quiet time. Oh, that's good. I'm gonna have five minutes of stretching and I will take a quick shower. You know, it might be something really small that's, you know? Yeah. But you're like, I did all that, you know, and. The Lord will show you, it will rotate the, you know, sequence in which you do things or rare fits in the day.

And I wanna say to all the moms take the time. Yeah. You don't realize that if you take 15, 30 minutes an hour, maybe it's 10 minutes, every two hours, right. That is going to help you not need to take se you know, multiple time of. You know, correcting yeah. For what you missed or like you were sharp and then accidentally you, you know, you were too harsh with the child and then now you feel bad about it all day.

And then now it's like a domino effect where now they're harsh to each other. So like the things you think might be selfish. Mm. It's strategic. It's let's say that. Yeah. It's not selfish. It's strategic. Yes. And you're like, I'm gonna lead by example and none of us are robots. We all have needs. Yes. And I want to teach you how to meet your needs in context of everyone else.

Not like one person's needs is gonna dominate everything. Right. Right. And I would even say that to the kids. Oh, this is a good tip. I just remembered this. I would say guys, we have a full day today, but I really wanna know. what would make today a great day for you? Hmm. Can you tell me two or three things that you would hope for today?

And I'm gonna do as many of them as I can in my heart, I wanna do everyone's everything right. But if there's six kids, right. I can remember one would say, I wanna go to the park and another would say, I wanna watch movie another would say, please make blueberry muffins. Mm-hmm so I would take ours would say, can we go back to bed and not I would take those.

And I would say, I would make sure I would work into my day one. Yes. For each of those. Oh, that's cool. You know, so it was kind of like you don't, it's not like all around. I think kids might think adults are just like doing what they do. Right. And I'm like, I wanna say, like, I understand you may not understand that I'm not actually choosing all these things, even though I am choosing all these things, you know, this isn't like my wishlist necessarily.

Right, right. But we all. Have things we hope for and what you hope for matters to me. Oh, I, and I wanna show you how to hear each other and you know, it's like, you can do everything, but let's, yes. Let's make an effort. So, and then, should I go to the second point about how to support your partner when you see trigger?

Yeah. You, yeah, exactly what I was gonna ask you about. Yeah. Mm-hmm okay. So I speak from experience in doing this lots of ways incorrectly and finally. Finding something that works really well. And I'm so grateful for that. Thank you for your patience though. good job, Eric. I love you, sweetie. You're not a joke.

so I don't know if it's the way I'm wired or it's more of a female thing. I suspect it's a little bit of both, but most women tend to be a little bit more aware. What's going on emotionally, the temperature with themself and in social situations. Yeah. And it can be a little back when you say, Eric, why are you so upset?

And I'm like, I'm not upset. I don't know. Right. Yeah. That's happened. Think about it for about 10 minutes. I'm like, I think I am upset. Yeah. How did you know that? Yeah. She's like, duh, we say in our book, um, that, that women typically are really good sensors and men are really good solve. Obviously a man can sense things and a woman can solve things, but your superpower is sensing things and we need that sensor.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm imagining it's different with every couple, but something that's worked for us or is currently working for us, you know, in 10 years, maybe we'll have some new tools to, to bring out, but is when I notice and usually has to go back and forth twice before I catch on like that first response, I don't necessarily realize immediately what's going on.

And then there'll be a second. Like thing and I'll be like, oh right. Oh, its like, oh this is the game, but you're paying attention. Mm-hmm I'm paying attention. That's good. And then I realize there's something going on. And it's not about this moment. It's not about, it may not be about me. It could be about me.

Right. It could be that I've triggered something and he is just like, that's bruise and you're pushing on it. And that's why you're getting a bigger reaction, cuz we're not just touching now we're touching the category. Right. Which is that tenderness, that tenderness in the relationship, but it could also have nothing to do with me and it could.

Be something I couldn't even imagine. Right. Or I could have guessed the context pretty effectively. I'm a pretty good guesser, but I don't always get it. Right. Yeah. I'm like, Ooh, this happened, then that happened. You told me this. Oh, I think this is what's going on. mistake. Number one, women do not do this.

I could tell you. It's not a good idea. do not try to describe it for the person and say, I think this is what's happen. It's not received well yeah. Right. The best, most supportive thing I have found. To notice it mm-hmm and to just disconnect and give him space. Okay. Like he needs space to come to his own conclusion, get his own clarity.

And so all just kind of lovingly like create, I, we don't have to solve this right now. Right. We don't have to finish this conversation. There's nothing like urgent. That's like demanding that we stay in this because we're just gonna get tangled and it's gonna create something else. Why would we do that?

Right? yeah. So just to have the awareness to. Okay. And then just pivot, right. And be like, just go do something else. And then it usually just takes whatever it takes. It's not necessarily a long time. And then the next time just to have that warmth, cause sometimes you wanna come back and you're like, that's a poor coupon.

I wanna stay away. Right. Right. But to try and at least get to neutral and hopefully neutral with compassion mm-hmm and realize, you know, there is a story. There's something going on and father just please gimme heart of compassion. It's been me plenty of times. Don't let me bring judgment and irritation.

Let me bring compassion and just to be present as his partner. Wow. For whatever God would reveal to him. And when he's ready, we'll talk about it. Wow. I love that. That's beautiful. Talk to us a little bit about. Fight club rules. what does fight club rules. Oh yeah. Do you wanna do that? Sure. You guys wanna can, y'all just duke it out right before us for a bit, do it right here on air.

I'll lose on air. That's what will happen? Fight club rules. That's cool. So, I mean, I think, um, I think all of us, and, and for those of you guys listening, you know, one of the things that is a, um, a point where the enemy attacks us is that, um, there's so many things we don't talk. That our parents didn't talk about with us.

Mm-hmm about marriage or about relationships. That's so true. There's so many things in school we're learning that are frankly kind of irrelevant. Right. You know, and so many things we're not learning that we should learn, like dealing with conflict and, and understanding other people and understanding ourselves.

So I think that one of those things is how to fight well, mm-hmm um, I think there's a problem that would say when you're really hurt, you know, shut down and go, go run away. Mm-hmm and then you're kind of abandoning. But then there's another side of that. That's like, Hey, I'm not gonna let you get away with that.

And you're super aggressive. And now you're the bully. Mm-hmm , you know, it's like, well, that's not good either. Yeah. And so it's not a one or the other. It is how can I be assertive? Mm-hmm without being aggressive or without being passive or without being aggressive and passive or any of the combinations assertive means I'm not gonna give up what I think.

I see, but I don't need to. There's no punish. In the conversations, there's no need to enact justice or to be right. Um, so I think that, um, you know, developing some agreements with your partner is vital. Um, like upfront agreements, it's some agreements, but not like we have four steps we do, but like, how are we gonna, when we get into it?

Yeah. And it's on, it's like, this is how we're agreeing to fight. And the number one, number one, number one that I did not get, but by God's grace, I was like, okay, I'll do that. And I haven't done it. Perfect. Is the timeout take a timeout before you start engaging? No, like it's on and we're talking and it's elevating.

And at any time, either of can say timeout. Okay. And once the person says timeout, you cannot speak. So that's number one of yours. Number one rule. I don't know if it's the sequence, but you, yeah, go ahead. But it's like, to me, it's like the number one principle. Oh, that's great. We both know that at any time we.

Hit pause and that's okay. And that is not okay with me, but I am working. God, help me for it to be okay with me. Oh, so you're the one that needs it worked. Yeah. All guys that like that I wanna stay in. I don't mind the conflict. My childhood was not so great. So, um, So probably what is loud to me would be deafening to normal people cuz I'm like, I'm okay with the intensity.

Gotcha. Yeah. And that's not a great thing, you know? So, so staying in that, that, uh, moment and, and continuing to try to fix it is like hugging someone with a sunburn oh yeah. Took me. I'm like, but I love you. Good analogy. I wanna that my heart, although my voice probably didn't sound like that, but my heart is like, I love you.

I don't wanna disconnect. Let's fix this thing. Mm-hmm and she's going, ah, right. This hurt so bad. So just being able to call a timeout and then to honor that, and the person who calls the timeout. Can say, Hey, I need a timeout. Don't do it this way. Uh, Jason Yumi are really in it and I can tell you're really not mature right now.

So I'm gonna take a timeout. You don't, you can't jab on the timeout. What'd you call that therapizing. Yeah, exactly. Don't you don't jab the person it's I'm I need a timeout. Not you need a timeout. Exactly. Got it. No reasons. Hey man. Just for where I'm at right now, I want to take your time out and let's come back.

This is your responsibility. In 10 minutes. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So that time out or 20 or 30 or an hour. Okay. But you set a timeframe. It's not like, so you're saying open ended. You can sleep on it. Yeah. You can. Well, and you know, I know the Bible says don't let the sun go down in your anger. Yeah. Different ways.

A lot of you can get in there, but right. I feel like. If I am triggered and I am not self-conscious anymore. Yeah. Probably nothing good's gonna happen. Yeah. So I gotta come back to my center. Yeah. Tori knows that if she gives me time in the morning, that chances are guys's gonna set me straight. See? Yeah.

So true. Okay. So give us your core point list. The, the four steps about like when we're actually engaging and we're both. You know, in our right minds, right. Engaging. So we found this trial and error over time. It has been such a gift for us. And we usually use it. Sometimes we forget and we regret it.

Right, right. But the person who has the concern is able to speak. Okay. But normally we try to, cause we're both very verbal. We were like, try to say, like, try and say it in like three to five. If it's more than that, the person can't really take it in. And don't like put everything in at once. Take an issue done.

Not a lot of examples because we always wanna give examples, you know, tie to everything, what it is. Yeah. So the first thing is one person speaks they're not interrupted and the other person is listening. They're attempting a neutral face who speaks first, who speaks first? Whoever's upset. Okay. Whoever's most upset.

Whoever has the issue, the grievance. Okay. Okay. So that person brings their grievance and they're able to speak, but it's not like a 30 minute rant. Right. You're bringing everything that ever happened. It's like pick an issue. Yeah. Yeah. And we even have this funny, we call it statue of limitations, statute.

Sorry of limitations where it's like, you can't bring in. Past a certain period of time. And we've decided it's two months. Two months. Yeah. Oh, okay. Now keep a short account. If you need to talk about the big stuff you probably need back up, you need someone, you need a third party, third party. That's there to help cuz obviously if you're still, still talking about it and it's from a long time ago, it's, it's a big one.

It hurts and then you need help. Right. Is there anything we need to talk about in front of that tour? can you think of anything to think about that before they leave town can be our third party? Yeah, that's funny. Um, Those are the rules for the speaker and then the other person needs to repeat. Not their interpretation, the correct version.

This is so important. This is so important, but they have to repeat, this is what I hear you saying. Let's this happened, this happened. If you could do it almost word for word. Yeah. So the reason the first person needs to be short is because the second person is responsible to say almost all of it back and not add your own spin on interpretation.

Okay. Got it. The goal is to make them feel heard. Yeah. Not to agree with them. This is so hard. so what you're saying is I'm a jerk and a loser and that I do nothing well, I mean, you know, got it. Okay. Got it. But the point is not to agree is to make sure that she or me is feeling her. Yeah. Okay. Well, that's a good point.

That's good. Yeah, I like that. Yeah. So, so we can follow you. Step one is to listen well to one person speaking, one issue in a reasonable chunk, short amount of time. Two, they repeat it back, repeat it back, repeat it back more. Got it. Yeah. And then step three is to empathize now to empathize is not to say you're correct.

And your, your response was you. The only correct way to do this. It's to say if I felt like my best efforts were never good enough. Yeah. If I felt like you're not respecting my time by always being late and it's not a priority that we get this state time, if I felt da da, da, da, da, or, and it wouldn't necessarily be, and you could even link it to something that happened to you.

That's not in the marriage. Like when I've been in situations where I didn't feel heard. Mm. When I have, you know, been in situations where fill in the blank. It really hurt. And your goal is to connect in your heart, truly with their feeling in a legitimate way. And be like, I felt like that before, whether or not I feel like that was legit in this situation is not what we're discussing makes sense.

It isn't because we're connecting our, heart's not our minds. That's right. And when I feel you feel your experience of being let down by someone. Yeah. I'm like, wow, he he's getting it. Mm-hmm and that's not even him agreeing with me that I let him or whatever, you know, it's it's right. This it's like, we're, we're connecting at that heart level.

Do you know how many women right now just clicked pause and are going to get their husbands and telling them to listen to this. Yeah. It's so powerful. I need, it really is so powerful. Wow. And that fourth one is beautiful because it's make a request. So I have you heard this, have you heard this quote, a complaint is just a really lousy way to make a request.

Yeah. Wow. I love that. Yeah. And every time I wanna make a complaint, AI. Hopefully the holy spirit prompts you most of the time to instead make a request. And it's really important in marriage. And it's really important after you've expressed something that was disappointing, whether it was your particular lens and how you took it, or it was legit.

You know, yes. Grievance that's right. It's either way you can make request. So it would be like next time, I'm just gonna ask you, could you please, you know, text me ahead of time and tell me dot, dot, dot? Yeah. Um, it would mean a lot to me if, um, you could apologize to dot for, you know, how, how they would make it right.

And how they would do it differently. And it's important to give yourself permission to ask for what you want. I feel like for me as a man, that was pretty. To say, I want you to do this. You know what I mean? That is hard. And it's also nice that the thing is that then you can negotiate. So Rachel can say, um, here's the grievance.

I reflected it back. I empathized. She makes her request. Yep. And then I can't do the request and I can say. I'm not sure I can do that. I could do this now. There's some time for us to work through that. And there may be a pause there let's come back and think about that. But the net result is she feels heard.

Yeah, we are connected and I have something to do. Yeah. It's like really clear as opposed to forward just kind of the vomiting of the emotions and then, oh, okay. I gotta go pick up the kids. Yeah. You know exactly. Oh, that's so good. I love that. It's very practical and, and simple. Yes. Yeah. Say the steps one more time.

Yes. So step one, step one is say your grievance. Okay. Keep it to one. okay. Step two is to have the person repeat that back to you. Mm-hmm clearly. So you know that you were heard number three is for them to empathize. Yep. That's how it would make them feel. Connect the feelings mm-hmm yes. And then number four is to make a request and then there may be some negotiation in that request.

Here's what I love about this. Um, because, and I, we tell people this all the time on our podcast is that the, the wife is the coach of the husband. the wife is the, is the emotional relational coach of the husband. So husbands, if you're listening to this, let your wife coach you through this landmine of emotions.

That's it like if you just letter, right. So to will take that thing and legit it. You know, sink in, but now what I have to do is that when my manly anger sparks up or that, that might be born outta some insecurity, I have to let her coach me through that. That's right. It was a great decision I made when I let Tori start coaching me emotionally.

Oh, it's beautiful. And just kind of give into that, but this, this is awesome. It's so good. Did you wanna say something? Get clothes were quick. No, this was so good. I loved every minute of it. Thank you guys so much. Oh my gosh. Pleasure. Can we have y'all all on again? Of course, really? Oh, this is so cool.

Okay. So, uh, Eric's website, Eric Eric Beck speaks Eric Beck He's got three TEDx talks on there. I listened to all of them before we, before I decided I'm partnering with this dude. Uh, but to do business with Eric, uh, and myself, you can go to expert, but you need to listen to his TEDx.

Talk on Eric Beck speaks. Rachel Beck Yes. Are you taking clients now? I am. And I are, have online courses and clients and I love it. I love helping women. It's awesome. Okay. Well, that's so good at it. I, I do not doubt. We got a lot of people that listen to this podcast. I do not doubt. You're gonna have people, you know, reaching out to you.

Can they, can they contact you through your website? Yes. Right. Really contact us. This was really fun. I mean, I learned a lot. This is great, but we need to do. I wanna do another one right now. No, we need to do, uh, would you rather, would you rather, and Tori do, do you have one? Do, do you have one? I forgot my book.

Oh, she forgot her book. I love this. Okay. So we always end our podcast with, would you rather, okay. And maybe I should ask them one that we've done in the past. I'm gonna go ahead and ask and see which one you guys would rather. Okay. Eric, Rachel, would you rather have fish eyes or hot dog fingers?

That's tough. Oh goodness. I'm gonna go.

Fish eyes could, I could wear really cool glasses. Oh, for most of the time. And only the people that I'm actually close to and love me unconditionally would ever see my disfigurement.

I was gonna go with hot dog figures cause of the, I like a thought through the grip strength you could get on those Spartan race. Oh, strong hands. That is such a guy answer. . I said hot dog fingers. Cuz you can wear glove. Oh, that's a good point. What did you say to him? Didn't think of that. I, I did hot dog fingers too, just because like, there's so much connection through the eyes.

I don't know if I could. That's a good point. I don'ts, know's a good point. They would both be a pretty big bummer. Here's the beauty of that to rethink that answer. But when you, you watch people processing a foolish question, Rachel's like, oh, that's such a good answer. I totally, now I get that. I think I get that.

that's so awesome. Hey, this was great. Thank you guys for being here with us. This will not be the last time. So we're gonna do some virtual, uh, podcast. We podcast with you guys. If, if you don't already start your own, you need a podcast. Yeah, we'll see. Let's get that going on. Yeah. Throw you and Tory on and just get y'all going back and forth.

But this was fantastic. So thank you listeners for hanging out with us. This is a little longer than normal, but we wanted to give them ample time and I know that they did not disappoint, so don't forget to rate, review, subscribe, and until next time. Do I end to with some like, cutey little saying no, you, I don't do I, you just cutey just cutey.

Oh, that was nice. So your awesome self. All right, we'll see you guys next time. Thanks for listening. See you guys soon.