We live in a time when threats to our relationship are at an all-time high. Marriages are being ripped apart at break-neck speed, and one of the most pressing issues is the threat of an affair. Even the most spiritual leaders among us are falling prey.
This episode is part 2 of a dive deep into ten principles to affair-proof your marriage. These are simple things we can do to assure our spouse that we'll last the test of time.
We went from the perspective of what we can do individually to keep ourselves from an affair. And, here's a little spoiler-alert: the first principle is never thinking you're above one!
Listen in to part 2 of how to affair-proof your marriage.
Welcome back here we are last week, we talked about how to affair-proof your marriage and Tori. And I gave five points. If you don't remember those, I'll give them to you in just a second. And, and we've got five more that we want to talk about. And I guess we could probably just keep doing that. Weeks and weeks, and just keep thinking of other points, but talking about ways that you can make sure that you're not going to fall prey to what it seems like.
So many people are falling prey to in this current cultural environment. And, uh, and so we're, we're here to help. We're here to help ourselves. We're here to help you, and we want to join you to join us in a journey. But now before we jump in. We have a friend of ours that gave us a great joke. Yes we did.
We got a couple, you guys keep sending your jokes. These are great. Um, who's this? That gave this one. Okay. So the first one comes from my CrossFit buddy. Kendra Taplin. um, are you ready for it? I'm ready. Unfortunately, my obese para just died, but it's a huge weight off my shoulders. What did you say parent?
I think I jacked that whole thing up. Unfortunately, my obese parrot parrot died, but it's a huge weight off my shoulders. Okay. Oh my gosh. That's funny. Taplin. She's my, uh, love, hate partner in CrossFit. Cause she pushes me pretty, pretty hard. I love it. And I hate her at the same time. I have a few buddies like that.
Jason dad, gum Dellinger. Yeah. Hate him and love him. Yep. Those are the ones after the workout. You love them. Cause you're like, that was awesome. Workout. And I'm sweating my butt off, but in the middle you're like, why the heck did I partner with her? Okay. This one's from Shelley carpenter and this is from.
Seven-year-old son. What do cats eat on hot days? My screen. Oh, okay. Oh, that's great. Good job. And you remember this tour? Shelly's son. That's awesome. Shelly's son. Oh, we don't know his name. No, I wish I did, but that was funny. Could I give him a shout out? I used to have a major addiction. Yeah, you did, but I broke it.
Know it's dark chocolate. It is. That's how I broke it to replace a bad habit with a healthy one. You just go cold Turkey. Yep. Okay. Now we're talking about how to affair-proof your marriage. So let me give you a quick reminder of the five points we mentioned last week. And I'm going to give you five points this week, and we're coming from the standpoint of what you can do individually in your own heart, your own mind in, in things that you can do individually, not relationally, like let's go on date night, once a week.
Let's be open in our communication. That kinda stuff. We're not talking about relationally, we're talking about individually. So last week we gave you five points that we thought would help you first know that you're not above of an affair. That's number one, number two, recognize your triggers. What are those triggers that you've got?
Like, if words of affirmation is your. Be careful of hearing it from others or giving it to others. Uh, number three, be aware of magnetism. Magnetism is a natural thing, but in marriage you cannot be magnetized to people of the opposite sex, or, I mean, nowadays there's homosexual tendencies or whatever. So it's all of that.
You shouldn't be magnetised in a romantic way to other people at all. Um, number four, be transactional in communicating with the opposite sex. Right. And the only time that you sh you can go outside, that little rule is with number five. When you're running all your relationships with the opposite sex through your spouse.
There's no. Like deep seated, emotional connection that you've got with somebody that the opposite sex that, that doesn't run through your spouse. Right. Okay. And even if it does there, shouldn't be deep seated, emotional connection with another person like that. So, because when you got married, you said I do your identity changed, right?
You are not just a single individual anymore. You are now the bond of two people. The two have become one. You're not the same person anymore. Yeah, that new identity between you and your spouse is something you've got to protect. Right? So let's, I think that so many people after they have had a fair, an affair, that's when they start to look at these things, they start to look for guardrails.
They start to look for boundaries, right. And so we just want to give you guys some things that you can apply before. Like there has to be this healthy, fair and healthy, fair, healthy fear of. Of an affair. Right. And what is the ripple down effect? What that would look like for your family before it happens?
Because so often it just you're caught off guard and suddenly you're in a situation where you're you're backpedaling and you're like, oh my goodness. Things have gone too far. And it's, it hurts people. It's it's really, really hard on the relationship. And so, so that's why we feel like it's so important to start talking about these things, these boundaries, these guard rails that we can have, even though they may even seem overboard.
Once an affair happens, they suddenly don't seem overboard. They seem very necessary and they see. Like a really good idea. So it's so important that we talk about them and we recognize like what you said last week, last week was, um, what was it, what you are in actuality? You're you're no worse in class.
Yeah. You're no worse in possibility than the worst adult or adulterer is in actuality. You have to know that. It could happen to you. Right. You know, so some of these little rules that Tori and I have come up with, you know, for our own lives and, and just, you know, joining you guys in the journey, as you know, we're not experts or anything you could think sound prudish like, oh my gosh, that's too extreme or whatever, but just think about the difference between JFK and Mike Pence, vice president, Mike Pence, you know, w wouldn't even take a meeting with, uh, You know, without having an assistant there with him, he wouldn't be in a closed in a door, in an office with a closed door or a, or an elevator.
And he got so made fun of, but JFK, he never got made fun of, but he was a little Romeo. I mean, yeah. I mean, just look at how he devastated some young women. Right. And I even think of Billy Graham, his testimony, he had some really good guardrails up in so many people thought that they were overboard and ridiculous.
But they were really good. Yeah. That's true. So let's talk five more points tour. Um, point number one, I think this one's the, I think this one's a really good one. This might help people more than any of them control your internal voice, that internal voice of appreciation or, or, or admiration of others.
You've got to control. Like for instance, um, and you've heard affairs that have started this way. You know, the, the woman and her husband aren't doing really well. Maybe they're separated for a little bit or whatever the case may be, or maybe he's out of town on business a lot, but she still got to go to the soccer field with her kids.
And there's one. It's always saying, Hey, can I help you out? Let me get those chairs for you. Let me help you put this backer, you know, the next week he's like, you know what, Hey, I brought you guys some Gatorade. I want to make sure. And, and the next thing you know, in her mind, subconsciously, you know what, I really appreciate him.
Yes. I, what a nice guy. I mean, he is, wow. It's it's like in her internal voice is now speaking to her. Right? You have to control that. Yeah. You know, it's the same thing from a baseline. A guy who's watching a football game and, and you know how the camera will pan to the cheerleaders or whatever. And, and all of a sudden he's like thinking, wow, how pretty is that girl or whatever.
And he starts to get his internal voice starts to tell him how good looking she is. You know what? You can control that internal voice. Right. You shut it off. Right. You're like, mm. Knock on that direction. Right. And you can be totally transactional with, I like the way that Joyce Meyer says it. She says, think about what you're thinking about.
So often in our thoughts, we just have, they're just running rampant. We have no idea. Zero self-awareness of what's going on in our brains. We have to get to a point where we know what we're thinking about. Oh my God. Um, I don't need to be thinking about this. Like, I don't need to be, to be repeating in my mind what just happened like a minute ago when that person, you know, was helping me and complimenting or whatever now, you know, that's, that's when it becomes transactional and yes, it's like, who cares?
Who cares? If that girl's pretty let's like, you don't even think don't let yourself. Go that direction. I was like, wow. She is so good looking. And then you spend five seconds thinking about it. No, right. Shut that off. And if you do feel appreciation for some. Right. And, and let's say, you know, that going back to the example of, of that mom, who, the husband, the other, guy's always helping her out.
And she starts to really feel appreciative for him. I would say first, shut it off. And second do not voice that. Like, don't go and now start telling him how awesome he is. I talked to a guy for always helping me. Thank you. You're always there for me. Kind. I was talking to a buddy of mine a long time ago, and he told me that he had an emotional affair with his wife and it started because this one girl would always come up to him and tell him what an awesome job he did.
I think they worked together or something. Right. She just was always telling me how awesome. And you know, it was funny because my wife hadn't told me that in like 10 years. Yeah. And so now this girl didn't know, the wife had never said that to him in 10 years, but now she's filling up his love tank and his internal voice is going.
Wow, this is good. Yeah. That felt good. Control that internal voice just don't let it control you. So that's that's point number one for today. Point number two. You'll like this tour. Okay. Redefine your type. Yeah. I like that one. When you get married, your spouse is your type. So somebody says, what are you?
You like blondes and brunettes. I like Tori, whatever Tori is. If she went blonde this year and next year, she's brunette, I'm Tori. That's the kind of person that I am. You have to redefine. You're not a type, right? Your spouse is your type, right? So whatever stage in life, your spouse is in, that's your type.
Right. And you can do that. You, you, your brain is powerful. Your mind is powerful. I think of that Proverbs that says, let her breasts satisfy you. Yeah, that means before nursing, after nursing, right through the 50 pound weight gain of child, you know, let it, yeah. There's something really powerful about our brains that we can let things happen.
Yes. And the Lord rewards that. So if that's your mindset, it's like I'm going to let her body satisfy me always. Or, or I'm going to let my husband be the one who satisfies me. Oh, wait. Then when you're 85 years old and things look a little bit different than they used to. God rewards your attitude and trust me, it will still work, right.
It still happens, you know, at 85 years old, because God comes in and says, I'm going to reward you for allowing your spouse to be the one who is your title at her satisfy. You let him satisfy you always. Yeah. So that's point number two. Okay. Point number three. Um, Don't let anything grow in secret. Like there are no secrets, like your spouse has to have access to everything.
You know, texts, emails, everything is open, um, conversations, you know, every now and then I'll get up a direct message or something like that in, in Facebook. And I don't know who it is or whatever. And so I might just say Tor, who is this? You know, it's like all of that stuff has to be open. Nothing can grow in secret, right?
So it's making sure that your spouse has access to everything. And that they're, if you're, if you're controlling your internal voice and let's just say your internal voice hasn't been controlled and you do find yourself as we talked last week magnetised to somebody you shouldn't, as much as it's going to hurt your spouse.
Go ahead and tell them because ultimately it will build trust. Go ahead and let them know because ultimately they'll know. Okay. So we caught it. Right. You know, we, we preemptively caught this. Right. But it really does help build trust. Yeah, absolutely. So sin grows in secret. So that would bring me this isn't another point, but it does bring me to another topic, but it's so incredibly important is to have accountability in your life so that if you, if you've got three let's, let's just say from a guy's perspective, if I've got three or four bucks, Who know me and know, uh, my temptations or whatever, because we're accountability buddies.
Right. And they see me talking to a girl like consistently, let's say we're working out. And it's always that girl that I'm talking to. Well, my accountability buddies would say, okay, so this is the third workout in a row where I've saw you mosey over and talk to him. Like you shouldn't be doing that. Yeah.
You know, like it's important that you've got people who can read your mail right. And, and speak to you like that. It's important for your spouse to know that. Right. And that you, your spouse safe space to be able to speak into your life like that. It's like, okay. So I saw you over there talking to her, or, or if it's the, the guy told me, I saw you over there talking to him, it was a conversation about like, you know, it's not, you don't have to be suspicious of each other.
Right. You're just. Exactly. You can't let anything grow in secret. Okay. Point number four tour. Um, and this one is it's the us I've said these are the most important. This one is the most important. Okay. You got to know that God is the one who fulfills all your needs and not your spouse. You want to affair-proof your marriage.
Then you need to know that your spouse is not the one who meets your needs. Not one single need is met by your spouse. I'm talking to every night, your physical needs, every single need is met by God, through your spouse. That's a big one. If you see that and you recognize that right, then one, it's going to really revamp your relationship with God, where you see him as your provider, too.
It's going to take the pressure off your spouse, right? It really is. What would we call that tore trust the triangle. Right. You know, when you've got just a picture, a triangle in your mind, you've got God at the top, right? You have a husband and wife at the bottom. Um, the bottom two points. And as each one of the spouses grow closer to God, they're growing closer to each other.
Right. And yeah. And as you are growing closer to God, I believe that you have more of a supernatural grace to meet the needs of your spouse. As you grow closer to him. You know, it's like, there's suddenly grace for things that you didn't have grace for, because now you're empowered by the holy spirit. And, and then I know for us and early on in our marriage, that was just a huge turning point for me, because I always felt like, um, you were the one to provide my needs.
Like I really look to you to play that role. And as the Lord began to convict me and show me that he was the source, it wasn't until then that I was like, He was, he began to use you to meet those needs, but he, because I recognize the source, it was just, it was just this really beautiful completion that I hadn't experienced before that, because I was always looking to you yeah.
To meet the needs. And if you know that your spouse is looking through. To God, it does relieve the pressure from you. You know, I think about the, the wife whose husband travels a lot or whatever, and, and, you know, maybe he's confessed some things to her in the past or whatever, and she's having a hard time trusting him.
But if he can get to a point where she knows. That he is looking to God as the source of everything that he's got and that he's accountable to God, even more that even more than her, it begins to set her heart at ease. Absolutely. Got to do that. So, so that's point number four and point number five, choose to cheat others and not your spouse.
Yes. Okay. What I mean by that is you can't worry about what others think. So you, you, the, the classic, um, dude who compliments the. And, and she just, she doesn't know really how to respond to it, but just like, oh, thank you. You're sweet or whatever, you know, it's like, um, cause you don't want that guy to feel.
Or he might be coming across the flirty, but you don't want them to feel bad. So you just don't really say anything or whatever. Right. In that moment, you've got to be thinking about your spouse and not concern yourself with how that dude feels. You know what I'm saying? It's like, okay. So I don't give a flying fart what this guy thinks.
I do care about what my spouse thinks. And therefore, if this dude's going to come on to me, or this dude is gonna compliment or whatever, I'm not going to respond to it at all. Even if it's an awkward silence, right. Because you're thinking about your spouse, not that person. Yeah. This is a really hard one for people pleasers, because you're, you're, you're so aware of people's feelings and, and their response, and you don't want to hurt, you know, you don't want it to be awkward.
And I remember actually early on in our marriage, um, I, you kind of felt that I would, I would, that I could possibly respond to people that could come off wrong because I didn't want to offend them. Right. It was a legit fear of mine. Yeah. And I remember having like nightmares that like guys would come on to me, but I would be too afraid to say, what are you doing?
Like, you know, like I would be like, oh God, like kind of like nervously going along. And then. That was something that we talked about a lot early on like, oh, whoa, like how, how do I respond without, I don't want to like, make it awkward or whatever. And I just remember the Lord really saying, who are you most worried about?
Are you like this, this guy you barely know, or your husband, like, it's just kind of, why do you, why do you care? Yeah, exactly. And I just had to kind of had to kind of remold the way that I thought about that and like, yeah, I don't care. I'm like, why, why do I care so much about what people think? And to make me not look like an absolute idiot here, because I'm not some paranoid punk that can't handle it, but you know, Tori, when she's younger, she's the sweetest person in the world and also beautiful.
We'd go to places. And there were legit dudes that, you know, wanted it like w mosey over and talk or whatever. I remember the mailman. I remember the mailman. You don't even remember this tour. This was like almost 20 years ago when we lived over close to downtown Concord. And I just remember thinking, I saw this guy go up and he saw Tori come out and get the mail.
I could tell the dude was like, Who is that, you know? And then the next day he found a way to kind of put the mail in slow and slowly walked back and he heard the door open and he turned out. Excuse me. Do you know what time it is? And the dude had a watch on and I'm like, okay. So I saw that and uh, I told Tori don't answer him, but of course I didn't say it at the moment, but she's like, oh, it's, you know, whatever.
Thanks for bringing the mail. Come in for some coffee. Now that's just made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. But, uh, so she was sweet and all, and I remember telling her like, if that dude asks you any question, You just turn around and walk back inside and make it feel weird to him. She's like, why?
I don't want to make him feel weird. I'm like homeboy thinks you're it on a stick. He's not wearing a ring and I don't want you talking with it. You know what I'm saying? Like, so you're like, oh, well, Jason you're overreacting. No, I'm not. I don't think I was overreacting at that moment. But now, and I think that in that kind of situation in a marriage, I needed to defer to you because honestly I was really naive and really.
Yeah. At that stage of my life. Um, and so it, but it was hard because I'm like, oh, I just, I don't want to be mean, like, I don't want to come across as the jerk. Right. It's like, why do you care so much about what that guy that you'll never see again? Thanks. Yeah. And I only said it, I mean, I haven't even, that's the only time that I've ever had to do that, but I knew that mailman, I knew specifically.
Uh, and cause I had played basketball with him at, at a rec center one time and he just, just a punk. And so when I saw him kind of like coming on to my wife, I'm like, okay, I'm either going to drop him or you're going to ignore him. And in that moment, then what Tori had to do was kind of adhere to that point that I brought up where it's like, you're thinking about your spouse, not that other person.
And if it cheats them out of that feeling of appreciation for something that they did or said to you, yeah, If there's awkward silence, then who the heck? Right. It doesn't matter. You're thinking of your spouse in that moment, right? Not worried about what they think. Yeah. And I mean, obviously there has to be a sermon.
It's not like I can't talk to the opposite sex. Jason's going to get mad. That's not the case at all. It's just using discernment and allowing your spouse to speak into your life. Obviously, Jason had known this guy from, from somewhere else, like he had, he had a discern. That something was a little bit off there and I didn't need to be responding.
Right. But then, you know, there's countless other times where I'm talking to somebody and he would never respond like that because they're, you know, he's not discerning something that's off. So we, we do, we need our spouse to be able to be our feelers sometimes in our discerners. Okay. So that's, that's it, that's, that's the five for today.
So let me do this real quick. I just want to give the quick rundown on the 10 and then I want Tori to give me a, would you rather, you got one poised and ready to go? I got one. Ooh. Okay. I can't wait. Okay. So, uh, from last episode and this episode, we got these 10 points that we discussed that we feel can, affair-proof your marriage.
Number one, you need to know that you personally are not above and a fair. Okay. You have to know that. Number two, recognize your triggers. Number three, be aware of magnetism and you stop it the minute you feel it. Uh, number four, be transactional and communicating with the opposite sex. Run your relationships with the opposite sex through your spouse, they'll be going off and having all these one-off relationships with other people, uh, that don't run through your spouse.
Uh, number six, control your internal voice. Make sure that you're not sitting there admiring and appreciating people in your mind. Just to stop that, uh, number seven, redefine your type. Your spouse is now your type number eight. Don't let anything grow in secret. Make sure there are no secrets. Number four.
Know that God is the one who fulfills all your needs and not your spouse. And I said, number four, number nine. It was number four for today. But number nine, total. Sorry, that was confusing. It should have seen Tori's face right there. She's like you're at 80. No, I was like, did I check out or did he check out?
Like, I don't really trust myself. I be. And finally, number 10, choose to cheat others, not your spouse. Don't worry about what they think. So heavy topic, but thank you guys for listening along with us, it was a blessing to you. It's a blessing to us. Tori hit me up. Okay. Jason Behnam would you rather swim in a pool of jello or jump into a pool of packing peanuts, jump into a pool of packing peanuts or swim in a pool of jello.
I'm going to do swim in a pool, a jello, because that sounds really fun. They both sound fun to me, to be honest. Yeah. I'm not sure. You know, I don't think I've ever said. Yeah, or would you rather, but the pool of jello is kind of cool. Yeah. That does sound kind of fun. Yellow is such a summer. Yeah, that's true.
It's like 95 out so I can see, but then, you know, peanuts is all.
I love that good job tour. It was great. Oh my goodness. Alright, well, part two is over and we are out. Thanks for hanging out with us beauty and battle. Uh, don't forget to rate, review, subscribe, and if Tory and I were popular enough to have a sponsor, I'd thank them to. We're not. So, but now that, that means that you should be rating reviewing, subscribing and sharing our podcasts that way, Tory and I can actually get a podcast sponsor and I can pay them.
So, you know what, I'm just going to thank myself and thank God. I'm sorry. Can't take credit. There you go. All right. Thanks for hanging out with us. We'll see you.