Beauty in Battle Podcast

Self Awareness in Marriage

May 10, 2022 Episode 19
Beauty in Battle Podcast
Self Awareness in Marriage
Show Notes Transcript

Many of you know that Tori is a certified coach for the Enneagram and Emotional Intelligence, but for those who don’t, well, she is! And in this episode she’s going to dive deep into the three “instinctual subtypes” of the Enneagram. 

Knowing how you behave “instinctively” will help you not only understand yourself but relate to your spouse on a deeper level. 

In short, there are three sub-types (or “instincts”) we all have. They are: 

  • Self Preservation - my instinct is mostly about “ME.” 
  • Social - my instinct is mostly about “US.” 
  • One-to-One - my instinct is mostly about “YOU.” 

Tori will explain each of these more in depth as she dissects me (lucky guy!) on air. Hope you enjoy learning this as much as we did sharing it!

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 Self-awareness in marriage. That's an interesting topic. It's an important topic. I'm decently self-aware I do. I think we've gotten a lot better to borderline self-conscious about my love handles. Yeah. There's a big difference between self awareness and self consciousness. Yeah. Don't don't gravitate toward the self-conscious.

You just want to be self-aware okay. So we're going to talk about that now, before we go, because I'm going to let Tori just ride this. She, she, this, this is her sweet spot. So I'm going to let her do that. But what I want to do first is get to some jokes and I'm waiting on my wife to let me know if she's got to do you got a joke for me?

I do. I have one from Christine Olivette oh, from her son. That's a little William, I think. Is it a little wheel? All of it. Okay. How do you clean in space? You take a meteor shower. Good job. Little, well, it's his name? Well, yeah. Oh yeah. That was awesome. I love it. That was so good. Good job. Proud of you. You got another one for Kim Vincent.

Oh, Kim again, do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii? Or just a low ha

in the corny category, we have the same sense of humor. Good job. Okay. Uh, now let's get back to self-awareness and marriage. Okay. So you guys have heard Tory and I've talked Enneagram before. Tori's a certified Enneagram coach and a certified emotional intelligence coach. So she knows a lot about the topic, but we've done a podcast where we talked about the nine different types of.

Right. Um, I think it was discovering motivations in marriage. So go back through a podcast. If you haven't listened to that, go to discovering motivations and marriage. Forget. I forget which a podcast episode it is, but we talk about the nine different Enneagram types and it's, it's easy to find out which Enneagram type you are.

And uh, so just go take any free test. Um, but here's the cool thing and what Tori has taught me. And I really love this because although you may be a specific type, like for me, Tori's a nine. Um, and that one is like moral perfectionist. Like I'm driven by perfection. Like even sitting here at my podcast table, I'm looking at my phone.

That's not completely squared up with, with the table and I want to square it up. Isn't that weird? So you're just, you're really motivated for everything to be. Right. It reminds me of my good buddy and fitness instructor, Steve Pinkerton, who owns CrossFit, vitality, vitality fitness. He is just like me. I walk into his office and I see everything on his desk is lined up perfectly with it, with the edges of his desk.

So there's nothing. Kitty corner or anything like that, it's all lined up. Right. And so the, typically what I'll do is one of the first things I'll do is I'll walk in there and I'll like move a book. And if you want to mess with me, we'll do the same thing. Okay. So, no, that's not me at all. No, it isn't. No, but you know what you do.

Sorry. You do serve a purpose. Um, so. It's a one which is more perfectionist. But what Tori has taught me is that there are three subtypes underneath that title right now. It's not. So, so of all the nine types in the Enneagram, we all have one or more of these three subtypes and they're called instinctual subtypes, which is kind of a.

I don't know, this sounds a little clinical, but it's all about what's your initial instinct. And when Tori started to explain this to me, I'm like, honey, we got to do a podcast on this. Cause I think this is really going to help people. Yeah. So it's called instinctual, instinctual, subtypes. Okay. Okay. And so we all, we all have these three instincts, these three human instincts.

We use them all, or we should use them all. Um, but just like with the Enneagram. You know, one primary type is usually more dominant in our lives. Right. We have nine different types, but one is the most dominant one is what motivates us most. And because it motivates us most, we tend to use it the most.

Right. Got it. Doesn't mean that we don't use other, the other motivations. We use them all the time, but we just need to be aware and have self-awareness to what motivates us. Right. What motivates our spouse. It just, it gives us. With some tools to manage ourselves and some tools to manage our relationship.

When we have that awareness, right, then let's peel one more layer down and you get to the instinctual subtypes. And these are your instincts. You, you have one, that's usually going to be a primary instinct. You have a secondary one. And then the third one could very well be repressed. One that you don't really use as much.

Yup. But we really, God gave us all three instincts and they really should help balance us. Right. And so I'm going to, I'm going to go ahead and get into what those three steps. Those three instincts are there self preservation. Okay. That's that somebody that thinks of well, we'll kind of get, well, let me just name them real quick.

So we've got self-preservation social in one-to-one one-to-one okay. Got it. So it's like, you may know me. You, us. Yes, no preservations. Yep. So self-preservation focuses on me. Am I okay? Um, am I, you know, you're you're yeah, let's just, let's just do a base overview, so focuses more on me. Social focuses most on us is everybody.

Okay. Got it. One-to-one focuses most on you, your person. Got it. Okay. And so the, the easiest way. To kind of figure out which one is most dominant is to take this little litmus test. I'm going to give it to you. Okay. Okay. If you were to walk into a room with six or more people, small or more people, six small group of people, it could be a party or it could be just a small gathering.

Okay. Are you more likely? What, which one are you more likely to do? Are you going to. Figure out what's on the menu. What there is to eat. Are you aware of the temperature of the room? I'm too hot. I'm too cold. Um, where's the bathroom in case I'm uncomfortable and I need to find the bathroom, you know, those types of things, those self-preserving instinct.

So that'd be the person that's thinking more like me right off the bat. Am I okay? Is everything okay? Yes. Um, and then, or are you more of the type, are you kind of immediately aware of the whole room? Right. You see everybody and you're kind of figuring out when you're gonna talk to everyone and you're just very aware of everybody.

You might even see that someone looks sad, but someone looks particularly happy. Like you're just aware of everybody wearing a sweet pair of Jordans. Yes. You're just aware of the room. Got it. Okay. Are you, do you gravitate to just one person? Are you like you walk in the room and you're like, you scan the room and you're like, oh good.

He's here. Oh, good. She's here. And you just, you go to that person and you're like, okay, I'm going to connect, you know, you're, you're excited to see that one person. Right. Okay. So that's the three that's the three. Which one do you feel like you're most would be most dominant. Okay. Well, I guess it depends.

I would, I would think that it would. The parts, you know, points in my life. Um, but I'm probably more of the social. I'm probably more the dude that's going to walk in and you kind of aware of the risk. See everybody and notice that my executive pastor at the refuge has his 12th pair of Jordans on that are different than the ones I saw the 12 last times I saw him.

Yeah. I'm going to recognize that. Okay. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't recognize those. Yes. Yeah. What I am also a very hungry man. So I'm going to want to know our wheat and ribs, you know, but I don't really care. I don't really care where the bathroom's at. Right. Okay. And so, so looking at those three, you can, you might get a better idea of which one is dominant.

You can also take these tests like, um, the integral Institute has a, um, instinct test. Yeah. And, um, they're really helpful to kind of like figure out which one's your primary. But, yeah, so that I'm going to go over the self preservation instinct. It focuses on resources and survival. Okay. The social focuses on the group first and their contribution to the group.

It's this herd mentality. So it's often like, kind of like, I, I need to, you know, I need to make sure I connect with that person because maybe we can do this deal together. You know, it's kind of like this, you you're very aware. Of how society works together and how important this, these connections are.

Great networkers. And then the one-to-one. Um, now, if you kind of dig into this deeper, some, uh, some people will call this the sexual instinct. It's a weird, it is kind of a weird name. And I feel like it's, it makes it confusing right off the bat. Cause you're, it just kind of puts this label. That's not really accurate for what it is.

Um, but it focuses on. Intimacy with people and chemistry, like who, who do I feel? I feel, yeah, who's my person. Like, I feel really comfortable with them because maybe you have a chemistry with them. And I know that we have plenty to talk about. And so you're just drawn to this one person. Yeah. And I've seen, and this is really helpful because it one, it helps you understand yourself, but two, it really helps you understand your spouse.

So I know Tori and I both know we kind of fall into the social, the social sub. So we walk into a room, we both kind of go see everybody, right? We're not just stuck to one person. Like we both go see everybody, but if one of you is more on the, on the one-to-one or on the, on the, um, what's the, what's the other one, we focus on self preservation, but your other spouse is.

You've got to make sure that you don't think, oh my God, he's trying to impress people that I'm over there doing it. No, that's just, that's his, that's his instinct that he's got, you know, and I've walked into a party before where I've where Tori, w there's friends of hers at certain times that are on the one-to-one scale.

And they're trying to talk with her and just want her to be their person. And I'm looking over at Tori and I'm like, she's been talking with that girl for 20 minutes and I promised Tori's thinking. Needing to go and see some other people. So I'll walk over and just go, Hey honey, why don't you come over?

You know, it's like, I get a chance to rescue, right. So I think it's important that couples recognize what they are. Yeah. Us understanding this has been super helpful in our relationship. Just as helpful as understanding the Enneagram. I think if not even more. Um, this is, this is just a really good tool to be like, oh, like that's even with other people, it's like, oh, they probably are, have more of a one-to-one instinct.

And so that's just kind of like the dominant instinct in the situation, you know, that even like, I think for. I think with social, I think that they can be misunderstood a lot, you know, in social settings, because they are so aware of everybody with some, like what you said, like a, with a one-to-one they might feel like, oh my goodness, that's my really close friend.

And they're not even spending time with me. Yeah. But you know, but in a social setting, it's like, they're thinking. Their mind is going a million miles an hour. Oh my goodness. I need to make sure that I say hello to them. I need to, oh, that person looks kind of sad. Like I wonder if they're okay. You know, like you're, you're, the social instinct is really, um, hyper alert to the whole, to what's going on around them.

And, but you could easily be misunderstood by the one-to-one because they're like, oh my goodness. I'm so excited to be at this party. I'm going to connect with, you know, with this person and then they don't get to connect with them. Like they, you know, the expectation is. Yeah, that's a good point. And I've even seen pastors, uh, largely misunderstood before, because he's your pastor and he's standing on stage, but his, his instinctual subtype is more self-preservation, it's more me.

So they're more withdrawn, not, not as like fun, loving and all that kind of. Around people and in social settings as they are when they're on stage and then people get offended because they have this idea that you pass, there should be a certain way. But I think this is, this is really, it's a really important stuff.

Yeah. And I think, um, it's just, it's so interesting how all of these play out in why they play out there's there's um, you know, a lot to be said, you know, from past traumas or experiences that may have played into. One is more dominant, maybe w why one is repressed. Um, because typically you have one that's dominant, one that secondary, and then one that's repressed.

And that all, a lot of times ties into past experiences, which of course makes so much sense. I grew up as a pastor's kid, right? Yeah. Where it was kind of an expectation that you make sure that you're aware of everybody. You have to, you know, like you're gonna, you're the pastor's kid, there's this expectation.

On you and you were the same way where it's like, people are looking to you. Are you, have you been, you know, did you say, say hello to so-and-so? Did you invite them? Did you, you know, that kind of thing? And, um, so that kind of would explain, you know, that was our upbringing. And so, um, that naturally probably is going to be more of our dominant instinct.

And you can go cause you you've taught me before. You can go from one to two another. So I'm naturally a. My instinct with everybody. Um, but went through a period of time in my life, you know, kind of rather recently, where I had worked so hard for the last about decade that I literally just about how to break down, it was completely burned out, was just overwhelmed.

And found myself not wanting to go to gatherings, not wanting to go to the parties, had to go out to dinner with some friends of ours and was, you know, my, it just everything inside of me, it was like, let's just go home. That wasn't me. Right. So I kind of turned into a self-preservation where I was thinking about me.

That one definitely became dominant, which was interesting where it was more or less. Am I okay. Am I going to be okay? I need to make sure that I protect myself from all these things that have been happening to me. Like I can't be in this situation and, you know, and you had to get yourself healthy in an, in a lot of times with self-preservation like, as a child, or even at some times as a baby, they went through something kind of traumatic.

They weren't okay. That their needs were not their core. Jus you know, when they're hungry or when they were cold or when they needed, or they needed emotional support from an adult, it wasn't there. And so what they had to learn was I take care of me. Yeah. I, I, I'm responsible to make sure that I'm okay because I can't really rely on other people now, somebody who would be a self-preservation repressed.

May have gotten all their needs met as, uh, as a child. And our kind of walking into adulthood, not how to take care of them, not knowing how to take care of themselves. Their needs have always been taken care of. And they're like, hi, I honestly can sometimes see this with my own kids. And I've, I've had to really, like, I need to know you can make your own food because at some point.

It's fine. It's my fault for sure. I'm supposed to be coming down. No, but it's like, they come in hungry and I'm like whipping them up something to eat where I'm now. But I do have to, as a mom, like when you're hungry, you need to painful to, to make yourself something to eat because you're, I'm not going to be here in a couple of years.

Yeah. And so you gotta be able to, you gotta be able to handle yourself. But that, you know, so that that's a good example of somebody who would be self preservation, uh, repressed, where they go off to school and they leave their wallet in the car or they leave it at the store and they can't find it because they never had to worry about money.

They never had to, they never had to date. Yeah. Dad was going to do, but somebody who would be dominant is like, they have felt. That, that they have to really look out for me, otherwise I won't be okay. Yeah. And so, yeah, I saw that in you, when you were going through that, where it was like this kind of self, which is, it was a good thing.

Like God gave us these three instincts. Yeah. They it that one hat tick, that one had to, to rise up in you because you weren't thinking about yourself and you got burnt out. You just were trying to do right by everybody else and do do the right thing. And if anybody asks you to do something, yes. Is the answer.

Right. Right. And now you're unhealthy. And so you need to allow that self preservation. Instinct that may have been kind of repressed for a few years, rise up and bring balance to this situation. And you know, so love your neighbor if you don't love yourself. Yeah, exactly. You got to do that, but then at the same time, if you, if you fall in love with yourself, then you're not going to love your neighbor.

So that's why self preservation is important, but it's gotta be limited. It's like for my own, um, I've got, I've got self care and I need to take care of myself, but it, that is so that I can bless others and kind of gradually move into that social category and the move into a balanced place where you're using all three in a, in a more balanced way.

But I just in that starts with awareness. I have these three. Yeah. You know, so just to go over it one more time, self preservation focuses on me. Am I okay. Social focuses most on us is everybody okay? And then one-to-one focuses most on you. Are you okay? It's kind of a, could be, could turn into a. Um, codependency, if it's not managed, if it's not imbalanced a one-to-one where you're not okay if your person's not okay.

And, um, and you know, it's, it's funny because even with these, um, being aware, um, my, my primary one was social and I think my secondary one. Was one-to-one and then self preservation. Um, but with the one-to-one, I, I can be that way very much with you. Yeah. And so at first, when I looked at these, I was like, oh, I think I'm a one-to-one because I do a lot with you naturally.

But in social, in like, in, in my world as a whole, if I look at the way I live, you know, as a whole, like, if we're in a social setting that. Then I'm more of a social. Yeah. But so this, it can be, um, it's something you kind of have to dig a little into and really kind of think about how you respond and then to see, to be aware enough, to know, okay.

Am I out of balance in any area? Am I, am I so self-preserving that all I think about is me and my needs that sometimes. I, that one is so dominant that I'm incapable of seeing everybody around me or am, am I so social? And that I go to one place and I'm aware of everybody, but I don't see my own kid. You know, like my, my own child is.

Yeah, your kids are running around and you're locked in talking to me. And I'm like, your kid is about to take a Sharpie, marker, and write on my frigerator. Right? Like either almost smack him or you're going to sweat and almost smack you for not paying attention to your own kids. Right. And then there's, you know, the one to 1:00 AM I, am I, so, you know, drawn to that one person that I don't see everybody else around.

And so it's really just being, being aware and, and seeing is one of them out of kilter, like, are, is this out of balance? And I need to, um, to bring it back into balance. And, um, and then also to understand that your, your spouses, and to understand okay. That, you know, I know for, for me, with you, if I had known that.

At the beginning of our marriage, I think it would have really helped us, um, knowing that I was in the social. Yeah. Because there were definitely times where I'm like, does he, like, I remember when we first got married, we would go places. You never introduced me to anybody because you were so laser focused on everybody and like kind of.

What's her hobnobbing? No, this, I probably shouldn't use myself as example than you as example, but it just flew out of my mind. Um, but you know, as, as, as, as your wife, I thought, God, you know, like, can you please introduce me? But yet if I, now I under, I can totally look back and be like, his mind is like, so aware of like the people he wants to connect.

It's not, it's really not a hit against me. It's just, uh, you know, he, that's his dominant instinct and we could've talked about it and Ben, and I think we did talk about it, but I'm sure it was more of me. Like, why don't you ever introduce me? You don't even know, oh, terrible husband, you know, uh, Emerson, egrets and his wife, Sarah, they wrote a, I guess, love and respect.

And one of the things that he says is the primary thing that you. To get along with your spouse and to make sure that you guys are on the right track is to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Yeah. Is to understand that they have good Goodwill assume their Goodwill is what he says, what these three subtypes, the cell preservation, which focuses on.

The social, which focuses on us and the one-to-one focuses on you. Knowing those three things with your spouse in yourself is going to help you give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. And that's, that's a powerful thing. Yeah, it really is. So okay. Without further ado, um, I told you on the last podcast that I was going to do the, would you rather, okay.

And so I'm going to do it. Okay. Would you rather. Get caught in the trash compaction of a trash truck, or jump out of a parachute or jump out of a plane without a. Oh, my gosh, these aren't, this is intense. Like you just gonna have to pick which way you want to go. You're talking about dying. I mean, I don't know.

It's the first thing that I thought, is this not a good one? Oh, no. It's not because you're you. No, nobody wants to. Nobody wants to think, like, think about how would you like rather die. Like that's really jump out of the plane. I think I'll jump out of the plane. Oh my gosh. I hate thinking like this, um, plane.

Yeah. I'm not a compactor. That's like claustrophobic. Awful. Okay. Worst experience. So, yeah. Um, I'm not going to leave the, would you rather up to you? Are you going to have her again? No. Well, you want me to do? Yeah, let's keep it. Okay guys, you tell me which one, reach out to us at Jason and Tori. In the meantime, don't forget to rate review subs.

And we love you. Thanks for listening. We do. I was just going to say, um, one last, um, thing that if you do want to take that, um, instinctual subtype test it's Enneagram Enneagram I don't think there's another way to take that test. So yeah, if you don't have spell Enneagram, just Google it, it'll spell it for you.

All right, guys. Thanks for hanging out with us. See you next week.