Five Core Human Needs

We all have five core needs: 

1. Security - Who can I trust?
2. Identity - Who am I?
3. Belonging - who wants me?
4. Purpose - why am I alive?
5. Competence - what am I good at?

In today's episode we're going to dive into each of these and show you how God meets those needs in you through your spouse. 

We'll also discuss the core relational need of a husband and the core relational need of a wife and how you can make sure you're meeting those needs on a regular basis.

If you'd like to connect with us visit our website HERE.

If you haven't read our book, you can grab a copy HERE. 

Transcript

 So today we're talking about the five core human needs. We're going to dive into security, identity, belonging, purpose competence, and we can't wait to do it. I'm sitting here staring at the prettiest girl I've ever seen in my whole entire life. And she's chomping at the bit. Yes. Do you know what today?

Mother's day. No, that's Sunday. Today is Cinco de mile. Oh, it is that's right. Yeah. Well, we're a day late on our podcasts. And so we had to run in here this morning and it's Cinco de Mayo. And so I thought what would be fitting as some Cinco de Mayo jokes. Okay. I like that. We need to go eat some chips and salsa when this is all done.

Okay. Let's do it. Okay. What do penguins like to eat on Cinco de. You tell me. Burritos, but so incredibly cheesy. I know, but it's funny. Okay. Ha happy Cinco de Mayo. I hope every one crate. Or you get like, oh, J U a N J U a N. I hope every Dwan, no one. Joanne one has a great day. Classic. I like it. No, where'd you get.

Online. Okay. Cinco de Mayo jokes. We didn't have any, uh, w we've got some that have been sent in some jokes. We've got, we've got some. Okay. Well today tour, we're talking about the five core human needs. Now let me just send the shout out real quick, because I didn't come up with these on my. These come from a psychologist, a doctor, friend of ours named Dr.

Kathy cook. She's got a great ministry called celebrate kids, and she uses the power of biblical psychology, which is just an awesome term to help parents, parent their kids. So we brought her in to speak at our church like five years ago. He was even longer than that, our kids were younger. Yeah. That was so great.

It was exactly the right timing. You still need help. We do. But she, she shared the five core needs. And since that time I've taken those and use them. And obviously, you know, I've put them in my books and I've quoted her, made sure I referenced her, but I've used them in marriage. I've used them in business.

I've used them in every aspect of my own life, leadership, everything. Cause it, it has helped me so much. So here's what. Ali dis. Okay. And I, um, I'm going to give you all five coordinates and then we're going to go look at each one of them. And then we're going to talk about specifically the two core needs that spouses have.

One of us have each, like I've got one core need specific to our marriage store and you've got one coordinate. Okay. You ready? So the five coordinators here they are. Ready? Security, identity, belonging, purpose competence. All right, there you go. Podcast over. Alright, I'll slow it down a little bit. Okay.

Security. That is the number one core human need right there. Security insecurity answers the question. Who can I trust? Everything drives at security identity is the next one that, that answers the question. Who am I? Belonging answers the question who wants me purpose answers? The question. Why am I alive?

And competence answers the question. What am I good at? So if we can, if we can understand that all five of these core human needs are met in God, and he uses people, of course, to help us meet those, those core human needs. But if we understand that those are all met in God, that God can meet all of these in us, it sets us free.

And when we start looking at security, Who can I trust? I mean, when, when a baby is born, that's why they, they, they bond with the moms so quick because the minute they're born and all of a sudden they start feeling like, oh, I'm cold, I'm hungry, whatever who's taking care of the baby. And there's bonding there.

And so inside of that, baby, there's this deep seated need for security. Like who can I trust? I mean, God made us in his image, so he made us to need these things. And because he wants us ultimately find our trust and our ultimate security in him. But just think about that, a baby with a mother and, and, and how that baby bonds with the moms so quick, you know, we've got four kids, they all bonded with you long before they bonded.

The reason why is because they knew that they could trust you when, when the baby cries, when the baby needed, you know, is but white change, primarily responding to their core needs to their coordinate. Yeah, that's right. So, so they grow believing that they could, you know what, when I cry, when I'm hungry, mom, mom, mom, and then ultimately at some point the dad then comes in and I can come in and be the hero.

Right. So it's security, but then it moves into who am I. Like who, who am I? I love that, that song, that Lauren Daigle sang. You say, you say who I am like, I I'm going to let you God define who I am. Right. I'm fearfully and wonderfully made. So that's identity. And, and today with social media, doing what it's doing, there's just this crazy, uh, attack on kids, security and identity.

Right, but it doesn't stop there. Go security, confusion over identity. I know. Yeah. You just think about that. The devil's trying to take it. You think we're getting really close to Roe V. Wade being overturned in our lifetime. This is crazy. Like this is, we've all been waiting for this. Yeah, this is awesome.

But you think the devil has been wanting to take. Babies for a long time and he'll still try to take out babies, but now what he's doing is he's also focused on taking out sex right now. He's always done that. He's always attacked that, but I'm talking about redefining it where, uh, you can be born a boy and then say, Hey, I'm a girl.

Now, you know what that was last year, this year, I'm a boy. Well, you know what? Next year I might be attractor. And, and Satan's like trying to confuse people over their identity, but it starts with security and it moves into identity. And then belonging, who wants me. This is so important because we want to couch this in the context of marriage, because ultimately we've got to know that God does want us.

He does. And he uses our spouse to show us that he wants us. So we have a, we have a very clear, um, call and command by God to be loving people toward our spouse. Remember, God's not just your father, he's your father-in-law. And the greatest thing that you can do for your father-in-law is love is to love his son or daughter.

And to let them know that you want. Uh, if you've listened to our podcasts for a while, or you read our book or been to any of our, uh, mayor seminars, you, you know, we, we talk about this a lot, but the three core things that God said to Jesus as he was being baptized by John the Baptist, just before he was put into the fight of his life, he said, this is my.

Whom I love with him. I'm well-pleased those three things that he said your mind. I love you. I like you. Those three things God said to Jesus before he put them into a serious time of testing for 40 days in the wilderness. Those three things are things that you have to say to your spouse, and you have to communicate with the way that you live your life, your mind.

I love you. And I. Right. That's where belonging comes in and then it moves into number four, which is purpose. Why am I alive? We all know, as we read scripture that God has put us here on this earth so that we could glorify him by completing the work that he's given us to do. That's John 17. Jesus says, God, I've I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you've given me to do, bringing glory means to reflect praise.

It means I'm going to be awesome at what I do. I'm going to be an awesome husband or an awesome wife. I'm going to be an awesome mom or whatever is as best I can, because I know there's going to be some mess ups in there. Um, and I'm going to do good at my job so that people will be able to look at me and say, wow, he serves a good God, or she serves a good God.

Like it's a reflection of God. That's why we're alive purpose. And then lastly, competence, what am I good at? Um, Philippians four 13 answers. This I can write. All things, all things through Christ who strengthens me, all things means everything. It means all of it. It there's not like, oh yeah, I don't do this.

It's like, uh, when God called Moses through the burning Bush to go and be a public speaker, I mean, he's, he was 80 years old. At that point. And he had only, uh, managed a business for the last 40 years that didn't require any public speaking. He was a shepherd. And then God says, now you're going to be in the public speaking business.

And I'm going to use you as a great leader. Um, and Moses, the first thing he says, well, I'm not a public speaker. He says, I stutter. And God's like, who made your mouth? Yeah. You know, in that moment, I've called you to do this thing. You can do it. Just stop saying that you're not this, or you're not. Hmm, just do the thing, right?

Competence, what am I good at now? Everything hinges on security. And here's the key with our five core needs. Because if you understand your personally, your five core human needs and all of those needs are met in God, then it really alleviates the pressure from your spouse. But if you don't find those things in.

If, if you know your ultimate security and your ultimate identity and sense of belonging and purpose and competence is found in and through your spouse, you're putting too much pressure on them. But now the key is, and this is the fine dance. God uses your spouse to meet those needs, you know, like tour. I know I can trust.

My identity is wrapped up in you because now you and I are like one w I'm not just Jason Behnam anymore. I'm Jason, Behnam Tori, Canada. We're now mixed into one and we're one and my identity has changed. So it is wrapped up in you. And if you went and found yourself wanting to date your old ex-boyfriend, you know what, not going to be real happy with that.

It's probably not going to work and you're going to shatter me. So I'm not saying that you can't be hurt when your you're. You know, uh, does something that's untrustworthy and breaks security, because you do have to find an element of security in your spouse, right? I'm saying your ultimate security, your ultimate identity sense of belonging, purpose and competence is to be found in God, because security starts with a question of who not.

Right. And this it even lines up with creation, right? God first creates Adam, just Adam, and he could have left it at that. And it could have been just the relationship between God and Adam. But no, he establishes that a relationship first between God and man, and then he separates Adam and makes it Adam and Eve takes it from Adam creates Eve.

And now we have our relationship with God and our relationship with others and he brings it all together. But I think that's just such a great picture of what God intended from the very beginning. He wants us to have. Our security found in, in God first, but then he brings in relationship because that's equally important to him that we have connection, not just with him, but with those other, that he brings into our lives.

Great point. And you know what, uh, there in Genesis two, where God did remove, um, feminine from masks. And separated, feminine and masculine, and now feminine and masculine that are the total image of God he's now had. He now has wrapped up in two bodies, a male body and a female body. They were wrapped into one body and God's like, no, that's not going to work.

So I'm going to pull these apart. And when he did that, um, that was the splitting of the first Adam. How about that splitting of the atom

it's class seventh grade, the splitting of the atom. Okay. I didn't come up with that. I don't know who did, but I'm not going to give you any credit for it. Now, the reason we're talking about these five core human needs, because you need to understand these are your. Security identity, belonging, purpose competence.

These are your core needs, and God is going to use your spouse to help meet these needs. But you find your ultimate security in God, and then your spouse and other trustworthy people, parents, brothers, sisters, you know, other people in the fight with you, you do need to find a sense of security and a sense of identity.

We need to be identified in a community because we. You know, we're a part of a refuge church that is a part of our belonging, you know what, and I do trust our pastor, Jay Stewart, you know, and, and there's a, there's a part of me that now that, you know, we're doing some, some classes there at the refuge as a part of my identity, that that is now in that, you know, like I'm, I'm teaching some stuff over there at the refuge, but here's the thing, my ultimate identity can't be found in that it's got to be found in who, which has God.

And this is where men struggle and women. It's good for you to know this, your, your man probably finds a level of his identity in his job and what he does. We go in, we men, we go into a room, we meet new people. And one of the first things we say, Hey, what do you do? What do you do? Like what, what we're really saying is what do you do to make money?

I do this to make money. That's not really who we are, you know, just an insurance salesman or whatever it is. You're more than that. So you've got to recognize your five core needs. Now in John 1236, I want to read this verse. This is really good because Jesus is talking and he says this. He says, believe in the light while you have the light.

So believe in God while you have God. So he's like, believe in me while you have. So that you may become children of the light right there. He says it, their security belief and belief is trust. Who can I trust? Okay. Belief is about commitment. That's what trust is I'm committing to you because I trust you.

So it security. And then he says, when you find your trust in me, because you believe in me, then you become something different. And what does that. Wow. You now become something completely different. So Jesus is saying, believe in me. And then you'll become my kid, which is basically saying, God, you become a child of God.

So everything changes because until you answer the question of security, you're never going to discover your true identity and right there, Jesus tells us, discover your identity in Christ by recognizing that you can trust him. So it looks like this security. I can trust God. Okay. My spouse may fail me and I pray they don't, but if they do, we can work through it because I know God will never fail me.

Number two, identity. I'm a child of God. He's my father. He's my dad. Okay. Now as a spouse, he's also my father-in-law. So he's Tori's dad. So I'm going to make sure that I treat Tory, right. And this is especially for men. There's a, I think it's in second Peter, where Peter is talking and he says, Hey, God's not listening to some of your prayers because you're not treating the wife of your youth.

Right. You've got to really, you've got to pay attention to how you treat your spouse because that's God's kid. So that's identity, uh, belonging. God wants me because I'm in. Yeah. So if you, if you have time to write these down, this would be great to write these down and just remind yourself every day security I can trust God.

You'll never fail me. Identity. I'm a child of God. He's my father, belonging. God wants me because I'm his kid a purpose. I want to bring God glory and give him the credit. So all the good stuff, there's gonna be plenty of it. Uh, I'm going to give him credit for that, whatever. That's purpose and then competence.

That's where it goes right back to Philippians four 13. I can do whatever he wants me to do. Cause he'll do it through me. Wow. Okay. Now here's, here's the key and this is where it gets a little crazy because we're looking at John 1236. Um, we got to read the rest of the verse. So Jesus just said, believe in the light while you have a light so that you may become children of the light.

So he said, place your security. In me and you'll find your identity in me. Those two things, security identity. Look how the verse ends tour. When he had finished speaking Jesus left and hid himself from. Isn't that crazy. He just said, find your security and identity and me and oh, peace out. I'm out. And how many of us do experience that?

Where we go through a period of time where we don't really know what our purpose is, kind of feel like I don't even know who I am and we're like, holy cow, who can I trust? I just went through a situation where my spouse failed me huge. And I, I know I can trust God. I, I really do. But man, I feel so alone right now.

And Jesus is saying. You still got to see through it. You still got to have an eternal perspective because Jesus even told it to them and then disappeared. So now they get to walk on their own and they feel so alone. But when you recognize these five core human needs are yours and they're your spouses that you need to recognize.

Yes. Like for me, Tori needs to know that she can trust God. Well, how is she going to trust God by me being a trustworthy. Because God brought me to her. She needs to know that she's a child of God and that God is her father. Well, how's she going to know that? Because I'm going to treat her like she's God's daughter, you know, belonging.

Uh, how does, how is she going to know that God wants her? Because I want her because I'm going to continue to communicate to her that I want her that's tough. Uh, purpose. Um, how, how is she going to bring God glory and give him the credit? Because I'm going to help her bring God glory. Like I'm going to figure out what she's good at.

And I'm going to try to foster those things and help her do those things. And then competence, how is she going to know that she can do everything through Christ who strengthens her, because I'm going to be right there with her to help her do these things. You know, you specifically as, as, as you were a mom and doing homeschool and not having much adult conversation at all, And then all of a sudden you get thrown into this thing with me, where we're doing some marriage seminars and we're doing all sorts of stuff, and you really had to overcome some hurdles for public speaking.

You know, as a mom, that's not easy, you overcame those and I've always encouraged. You like there's a lot of women out there that probably would feel the same way that you felt right up 10 years into having kids. Done anything like that, and I'm really nervous and scared, but now I'm, I've texted your dad on many occasions and said, Hey, thanks for the way that you've trained up your daughter.

Like she, she really, I can tell that she's enjoying her. On the stage now, not really like, you want that to happen because you're never one that wants the stage. Yeah. But I can tell you're going through it because you know that there's something in you that needs to get out. And it's not about you. It's about the people that you're talking to.

Right. And that's. Well, let me, but I think with competence, you know, you think you, you don't ever start out good at really anything, you know, and I think, uh, you told me one time, you need to give yourself permission to stink, to stink. You know, like I think that we have, I, you know, when I got married to you, I, you know, had just come really from high school and, um, Where you pursue things that you're good at, right.

Okay. I'm good at sports. I'm good at, I love to do drama. So I just throw myself into drama, chorus, and volleyball. And I have to tell you something really funny because you are very good at volleyball and Tori. You know, people don't know this. She gave up an opportunity to play volleyball in college. She could have gotten a scholarship.

I came in and swept her away and we got married. Okay. So when he was great at volleyball, not so great at basketball, but my little daughter Lundy, who's about to be 12. Um, she likes to play horse with me and yesterday she said, Hey, daddy, won't play horse. I was like, sure, let's go play horse. And I looked over Tory and Trey were sitting there and I said, Hey, you guys come play.

And Lundy said, yeah, it'd be good for Trey, but dad, she goes, dad, mom, can't shoot. I can't you. I don't, our kids got their, their shooting ability from you and my brothers. Um, but you know what? I don't want, I don't want to play horse with you guys cause I'm not good at it. Right. Like we just, we, we always want to move towards things that we feel good at.

We have this something inside of us. That's like, what am I good at? Then I need to do that. You know, when I first became a mom, I realized very quickly that God wasn't calling me to something. I was really particularly good at, you know, I didn't have the choice like I did in high school to choose the things that I'm good at in life and move towards them.

I just had to do what was in front of me to do, which was, you know, here I am, I have four kids. I'm heightenedly aware of how bad I am, you know, at doing this because it was just, it was an overwhelming season. And, and, and you're just constantly, you know, you have this vision of how you want your household to run and it's not happening, you know?

And I, you know, I always had this dream of just sitting on the couch and reading to the kids and now the kids don't listen to me reading, they're running around. I'm like, well, it's just so frustrating. I, I just remember, um, just being so discouraged with that as a mom feeling like, why can't I just be good?

Like I just had, I had like this drive in me to be like, I want to do something I'm good at, but God's calling me to this. And I, and I just feel like it, it felt overwhelming to keep failing at something. And, um, and, and the Lord. Convicted me one day and, and said that the good, that, that my heart was longing for was actually him after all.

And it was like, he's good. And even though these things don't come naturally to me, if I keep my eyes on him who is good, we can, I, you know, I can do this. I can do hard things. I can do all things. And also. You know, I had to really, really uptake the model that God gave when he at creation, when he was creating all the things, right.

Every time he created something. He paused. And he said, and it was good and it was good. And it was good. And I really wasn't doing that as a mom, you know, like I got, I'm getting up early before the kids in preparing their, you know, their lunches or I'm, I didn't pause and say that was good. Yeah. You know, or, um, the world doesn't say that that's good.

You say you have to be, you have to be a published author or you've got to own your own business as a woman or. Yeah, exactly. But there's so many little things that moms are doing throughout the day. They're preparing the next meal. They're, they're, you know, um, reading to their kids or they're sitting them down and they're dealing with conflict and they're teaching them.

Um, even though it really appears, like they're not listening and things are going in one ear and out the other, and it doesn't seem like it's good. It doesn't feel like it's good. It doesn't feel like it's effective, but it. Right. You know, it is good. What you're doing is really good. And though the world, you're not, you may not be looking on Instagram and seeing all those little things like when your, your child scrapes their knee and you're scooping them up and putting a bed.

That's really good. Like the things that, yeah, like there, I think as a mom, one of my biggest regrets is that I. Allow myself to say the things that we're good. We're good. Yeah. And I was so hard on myself. Um, and thinking that I was incapable when it was probably the most capable I've ever been was when the kids were little, because I was doing supernatural, staying up all night and you're like, how did I do that?

But yet, somehow or other, I believe the lie that what I was doing, wasn't really good that, you know, what is the, what's my purpose. Isn't there more to just, you know, all of the mundane. Yeah. And that's why, that's why God has put us together as a couple, you know? And, and God has put you listener, uh, together with your spouse.

Is that those five core human needs there, that security identity, belonging, purpose competence, you know, for. You know, once we got married five, five months in, she was pregnant, you know, she, she had a job, her and I both, and she was on a sales team and really excelling and I was doing my thing. And, and then next thing you know, she, she can't work anymore.

Cause she's, she's about to have a baby. Right. And we had always thought it'd be great for her to stay home with our kids and maybe even doing some homeschooling when they were. And, and yet she, there were times where she felt so incompetent. She didn't know what her purpose was. She didn't feel like she belonged to any, uh, uh, group of people that involved a lot of adults, mostly just kids, little adult conversation.

And honestly, she had to die to her, her identity. She it's kinda like she forgot who she was. And ultimately then that begins to make her, you know, question God, what are you doing here? You know? W can I, can I trust you with this? And, and so it goes straight back up through that whole list. Core needs, but it was my responsibility as a husband to try to help her with those things.

And I made plenty of mistakes, you know, and looking back now, 21 years later, I can honestly say what Tori. Is that I needed to help her recognize. You're fine, honey. Like we have three kids below the age of four right now. You can't get up at five o'clock in the morning and read your Bible for an hour. Do you know what I'm saying?

Like, you don't have to feel guilty about that. Don't like just relaxed, chill out. Like God, you're God's kid. So let me, let me, uh, pivot just real quick, just for a couple minutes and give the final, um, two needs that we have. So we've got security, identity, belonging, purpose competence. Those are our five core needs, but there are two more needs real quick that that, uh, men and women need.

And it's found in Ephesians 5 33, you guys know the verse where it says, uh, let each one of you men love your. As himself and let the wife see that she respects her husband. So men need men need to love their wives and wives need to respect their husbands. So women need love. Men need respect. Okay. When I say love in this particular verse is talking about priority.

Men need respect and in this particular verse and what men truly need is admiration. So if you're a man listening to this, you need to prioritize your. That's how she's going to know you love her. If you're a woman listening to this, you need to respect your husband. What this means is admiration. And if, if you admire him, then you're going to get the love you that you want.

And man, if you love her by prioritizing her, you're going to get the admiration and the respect that you want. A man prioritizes his wife, when he's willing to sacrifice for whatever you're willing to sacrifice. Are you willing to sacrifice guy night? Are you willing to sacrifice golf or whatever it is?

You know, or what are you willing to sacrifice for her? That's how she'll know whether or not she is your number one priority. A woman admires her husband. She respects him through thanks and praise that Psalm 100, enter my gates with Thanksgiving, my courts of praise. Thank him for what he does, praise him for who he is.

And these two things. These two primary needs in a relationship are really going to help. Now we will take a podcast and go deep into those core needs for, for spelling. The need for love the need for respect. Okay. I want to do that, but we don't have any more time today. Uh, this has been a fun conversation.

Yeah. And we need to do, would you rather to close this out though? Oh. Oh. Are you going to ask me or you want me to ask you? Oh, you have one? No, I don't, but I can think of one real fast. I'll ask you. Would you rather hop like a kangaroo every day or walk as slow as a. Whoa. I'll hop like a kangaroo, a hundred percent.

We're on the same page here with this one. That would be really difficult. Yeah. We're not, we don't like to go slow pace. We don't have very much patience. Yeah. Okay. I want to do the next would you rather, and you guys are really going to like it. Okay. In the meantime, don't forget to rate, review, subscribe, beauty, and battle.

If you think somebody needs to listen to this, get them on board to worry, and I'd love to get together and have fun. And then, uh, reach out to us at Jason and. Um, on any of our socials, send us some jokes, some jokes. Tell us some funny stories. Yes. Bring us your, you know, send us your funniest story, the best two stories.

True. Funny stories. Let's do it. You know what? I need to tell you a funny story at some point. Okay. What Tory's telling me, we need to end. Alright, so you guys, so you.