Before two can become one, one needs to be one (a whole person).
Relational health is born out of individual health.
Often times in marriage the problem isn’t US - it’s ME.
The problem we’ll talk about today is FEAR. We're going to show how fear is literally debilitating to your relationship.
Fear draws us away from those we love.
Faith draws us toward those we love.
KEY - God often orchestrates scary situations to prove His power.
How do we overcome fear? The same way the angels did in Revelation 12:11:
In marriage, if we can overcome our fear it will unite us to our spouse in a powerful way. But you have to first let your spouse in on your fear. And if they are the ones going through a trial, jump into the struggle with them.
Your greatest blessings are only found on the other side of your greatest fears! And when you walk through them together, your relationship will grow stronger as a result.
OVERCOMING FEAR IN MARRIAGE
By Jason & Tori Benham
So we're talking about defeating fear in marriage, because this is a very important topic. And one that a lot of people struggle with. And I was actually scared to actually bring the topic up, but I need to defeat fear in marriage. But before we start, because when we can't talk about fear until we laugh a little bit, a little bit, get some Tory jokes going on.
Okay. This one comes from Zach and Andy Wooldridge. Zach and Andy Wooldridge, we just came from Miami, spent some time with them. They're an awesome couple for kids under the age of four, the five or four under the age of four. Yeah. I mean, it's impressive. We all like clapped for them because that's just amazing.
Don't worry, there's light at the end of the tunnel. Like the two greatest times in life for them right now is when their kids wake up and then when their kids fall asleep, they're so cute too. Oh, my word saw some amazing pictures of those kiddos. Okay. Thank you, Zach. He did such a great job on the delivery to Tori laughed hysterically.
Okay. Have you ever heard about the restaurant on the moon? It has great food. Just no atmosphere. I wish people could sit here and watch you just laughing hysterically at your own jokes. Zack's joke. Good job back. Yep. Okay. One more. What do you call a person who doesn't believe in Santa Claus? Agnostic is that's act two now.
Who's that? I found that one. It was your own Tory. Behnam agnostic, not eggnog ladies and gentlemen agnostic. Okay. So we're talking about defeating fear in marriage because there's a primary foundational thought that you have to understand in order to completely get what we're talking about here, about defeating fear and fear and marriage.
We have the command in scripture that the two are supposed to become one, right. But before two can become one, one needs to be one like before Tunis, you need oneness. You need, you need one person to be a whole person which has health. It's your healthy mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Like you need to be an individual person so that you can then give your spot, give yourself to your spouse. And then the two can become one. So if the, if the one isn't one, then the two can't become one, right? So relational health is born out of individual health. So that's what we're talking about now.
Oftentimes in marriage, the problem isn't us, the problem is me. So it's not a problem of us. It's a problem with me. And it reminds me of the, of the quote that we always use for conflict and conflict. Two things always manifest the issue itself, and then the ability of the person to handle the issue.
Right. And if number two is. The number one will always work itself out. So if, if the ability of the person is good, then it doesn't matter what the issue is. You're gonna work. It's gonna work out. Now, the problem that we're going to talk about today, the individual problem is specifically about fear, because fear is debilitating to our relationship.
It's debilitating to you personally, and then it will rip you apart. Cause fear draws you away from those. While at the same time, faith draws you toward those you love. And God is in the business of orchestrating scary situations to prove his power. And he wants to do it through you individually, and then draw you close relationally.
And, uh, Dr. Caroline leaves, she's a neuroscientist. She says, and this was a real aha moment for me in my life personally. And as you're S you're saying we personally need. To work on these things and then come together with them is all emotions flow from two core emotions, fear or love. And when you really think about that, it really kind of simplifies and helps you to bring self-awareness to every situation.
Am I operating out of fear or am I operating out of. Yeah, it's pretty simple. Like all of our emotions flow from those two core emotions, what are we operating out of? Yeah. Yeah. And the foundation of that love would be faith. Right. You know, faith clings to what it can't see, knowing that he, who is unseen will come through, even when I can't even what I can't on my own.
And another thing that she talks about is how. We were designed for love. Like when you look at your brain scans, when you look at how your cells repair themselves, when you are operating out of love with. Operating correctly, things are going well. You're healthy. You're strong that your, your, um, your cells can rebuild themselves, all these things.
Right. But when you're operating on a fear, that's where disease comes in. When there's stress and fear, our bodies were never created. It's like putting Coke into your gas tank. That's what fear is to us. It wasn't meant to be there. It was never, it was never meant to be your. And so you can't be fueled by.
Yeah, it creates dis-ease, which is disease. And it opens you up because when stress comes in, born out of fear, then your body goes into hyperdrive trying to alleviate you of that stress. And while your, your body is trying to deal with that stressful situation, it's working really hard. If you come in contact with somebody who has a cold or whatever, you're going to get that cold.
You know, you go fly on a plane and somebody got strep throat chances are good. You're going to get strep because your body is working so hard to alleviate you and calm you down from that stress, right. That it can't fight off all the other sicknesses that come in. So it opens you up. And so we've got a deal immune system more than any other thing, we got to deal with fear.
Well, how are we going to do that? That's the. And I think that we obviously have to go to, um, revelation 12. I love it. How, how did they win? It's they, they won three ways. When you look at the angels in heaven that, that fought against the demons. You know, obviously they weren't demons at the time, but when Satan is like, I want God's throne and God says you can't have it.
And then, uh, Satan's like, I'll fight you for it. And God's like, I'm not gonna fight you for it. But Michael and his angels a fight, you, you choose your sides. So a third of the angels chose to Satan, the two thirds with Michael and they. And it says specifically, obviously we know the devil and his angels lost, but it says that that Michael and his angels, they won three ways.
The blood of the lamb, the power of the testimony, not loving their lives so much as to shrink from death. What that is is salvage. Salvation lived out with a, whatever, the cost attitude, first, the blood of the lamb salvation. It's like, do you have a relationship with the God of the universe? Right? You want to overcome your fear?
Okay. We all say yes. Right? Whatever that fear is, no matter if it's an internal, internal fear or an external fear. Whatever that fear is. Do you want power over it? And your answer would be yes. Okay. Well, it starts with your relationship with God. You need Jesus. Okay. Second, the power of your, you go to the next one.
I just have to read, because this goes along perfectly with it. Luke 1231 says each and every day he will supply your needs. As you seek his kingdom passionately above all. So don't ever be afraid, dearest friends, your loving father joyously gives you his kingdom realm with all of his promises. God's how you overcome by the blood of the.
Yeah, I love that. And so it's the blood of the lamb. And the second thing is it's the power of their testimony. That's how they won that salvation lived out. That's your story? That's your life lived out and you have God's stories where your past faith intersected with God's faithfulness and it brought change.
It brought transformation either to you, to your situation, to people around you. Yes. It's your faith lived out. And that is so incredibly important. And I think that's where we want to park for a little bit, but let me go to step three and then we'll go back to the story in the power of your story in the power of testimony is the third point is not loving their lives so much as to shrink from death.
That's the, whatever the cost attitude, it's, whatever the cost like, God, I'm going to bust through this thing, right? I'm going to do it, whatever the cost, you know, if I have to, if I have to die to some things that that I'm really alive to right now, if I have to let a dream. Whatever it is, you know, oftentimes our fears are born out of ambitions that we have, and it's crazy.
And then, and then things don't work out like we want. And then we start getting fearful that, oh my gosh, you know, my self worth was wrapped up in that dream that I had. And now I didn't accomplish that dream. And now all of a sudden, am I going to amount to anything? And you're scared and you're fearful.
And God's like, you need a, whatever, the cost attitude, like maybe God had you died of that dream. Maybe that dream was just a step to get you to something else. Right. It's not that dream, but God gave you that dream to teach you how to die to it. It's a very, it's a, it's a, it's a humbling place to be very powerful place to be too though.
Yeah. I remember, um, when we were fired from. TV, uh, almost eight years ago. And remember the Lord, we, your dad actually was doing a. He, he was teaching a history class. I think it was for our kids and our, in all the kids in the neighborhood. And so he had the memorize, the scripture verse. And so I had, um, I had put it to a little tune.
That's what I did for the kids. Cause so we could remember it. And so I had this little tune, you know? No, come on. Are you scared? Oh, you bust through it tour bus. Can't do it. I can't do it. We'll bust through that one later. Yeah. I'll face that one another time. But, um, so we had just memorized, you know, that they overcame by the blood of the land, the word of their Testament.
They did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death rev, Trump death row revelation, 1211. And, um, so I had memorized that and, um, we had been, you know, repeating it in our house, I think, you know, for a lot of that past month. And then that whole thing hit with HG. And I remember sitting out by.
And the Lord just spoke to me. So clearly that the way that you overcome this new fear is by going back and remembering how you overcome came other fears, right? Your testimony you overcome through your testimony. What is your testimony? Tory? It fell him so strongly saying that to me, as I sat out by our pool and my testimony is this.
We, um, found this home, this house on Ronnie Ferrell lane, it had a pool and we had, I was pregnant with our third and I had two other kids that couldn't swim. And so when we pulled into this driveway and you showed me this. I was like, there's no way we can not get a house with a pool. I've got, I'm going to have three kids.
And we knew that we might have four and none of them can swim. I can't do it. And then there was, um, there, the whole place was like overgrown. There was no, there, the lot next to us was just a lot. There was no house next door to us, the house to the other side of that. Trees. And then it was just felt like we were in the middle of nowhere.
Right. And I'm like, you're going to go traveling and I'm going to be out here and I've watched way too many movies for way too long. And I'm going to be up all night holding a gun. Yeah, I remember I was so convinced that this was the house for us. Jason loved it. He knew this, this is the best place for us, but then Tori came out and then she's like, let's go out there at night.
So we did, and it was dark. It was very dark. It was scary. And I was like, I don't think I can do this. I'm afraid of the pool. I'm afraid. And we were like, maybe we can fill in the pool with some men. Oh, oh, I can't believe we actually even entertain that thought. And so I just remember the Lord speak. I'm praying about it.
And I'm like, God, I'm so scared. And he was, he was just kept repeating surrender, surrender, surrender. And I was like, okay. God, I am going to surrender this to you. If you want us to be in this house, if this is the house for us, you cannot let anybody drown in this pool. I need you to protect my kids. I need like, I'm giving this to you and I'm trusting you with this and I need you to come through like, And, um, we, we closed on the house, we got the house, there was multiple offers.
We got the house and I was like, okay, now I just have to trust because I'm scared, but I'm just going to trust. And it was this process for me of surrendering it, you know, there were years of really being scared when you would travel. Well, but, you know, we, we gotta, we gotta tell our listeners here tour two months after we moved in, we had a big get together, a barbecue in the backyard and we opened up the pool and this is our first time having a pool.
You know, we got all these kids and we had like 20 kids jumped in the pool and we let one of them grab a raft. And what we didn't realize was there was an eight year old who couldn't swim. Right. And she fell in or fell off the raft and got up under the raft and nobody could. Until all of a sudden we saw her kind of sink and toward the bottom and Tory screamed and you see her hair, I'll never forget the image.
It was, it was the scariest thing I've ever seen. All of us dudes were playing basketball, Tory screamed, and we ran over there and her dad jumped in the pool and I jumped over the. And her dad handed her to me and she was like blue, not breathing. And we did CPR on her right there by the pool, by God's grace, you know, after about 45 to 60 seconds, she coughed up and, and she was fine.
And she sat up and we obviously had the ambulance there and all that stuff, but it was a miracle. God had come through, he protected. But in spite of that, it was like, Tory's like, she busted through her fear. She closed on the house, but then this happened. It's like the very thing that I fear fear is now coming true, but yet she.
The younger was fine. And, and, and we were still here. And so it w it's like at this moment, Tori, can't get out of her fear. It's like, okay, we're going to sell the house. No, we couldn't do that. We weren't going to do that. We knew we shouldn't do that. And so she had to work through it right over the next, however many years, she actually had to bust through that fear.
Right. Because it was when it came to her. And I was so convinced that this was the house for us, but she wasn't. Right. And she, I knew she wasn't because of fear. Now I D I, as a husband, wasn't sitting there. Come on. Don't be scared. It's okay. And, you know, I had to try to listen and there were times where I didn't listen as well.
And I just told her, come on, this is, you know, we're supposed to be here. Yes. But in time she worked through it mentally and spiritually and busted through. And now she can't think of ever living anywhere else. Right. And so this particular, you know, eight years ago, as I'm sitting out by the pool and we just lost the show and there's people saying things that aren't true about us, that.
Really bad about I'm like, you know, this looks so bad for us. Like we have, you know, grown this business on character and it's, so our name is important. Like we, we want to represent Christ well, and now people are taking what we said and they're adding to it and taking away. And then just straight up lies about things that are just not true about our families.
And, um, and I was just like, oh my goodness, they're just going to completely derail us. And that's a legit fear. And I think it's a fear for a lot of us in the culture. Today is the one thing that we fear more than probably even death itself is the fear of a ruined reputation. Right? People believing something about you.
That's not true. Exactly. And I was just full of that fear. Like, what is this going to mean? People are going to look at us differently for the rest of our lives. We don't believe like this. And. Um, I was sitting out by the pool and the Lord just reminded me because at that moment I was processing everything.
Why our kids were having a blast in the pool with their, with their friends. And this place of fear became this place of peace for me. And God had done that from me facing my fear. And the Lord just gently said to me, your greatest blessings are on the other side of your greatest fears. And I felt it so strongly.
Like this has become such a blessing to us like that, that stage of our life, that was kind of chaos. You know, we just spent most of our time with the kids in the pool and they were happy and they were having fun and, and every, you know, it was, it was, it was a place of peace and, um, and the Lord said, I'll do it again.
Just, you know, trust me, I can do it again. I did it once. I'll do it again. And that's the power of testimony you need to stand on your testimony right now. What did I do when you surrendered? You know, I gave you a blessing from your fear. I'm going to do it again. And. And then, you know, several years later, same thing.
Um, I, you and I, we're going to speak for at our first, um, heritage conference and, uh, you know, I always wanted to work alongside Jason. It just thought it would be on a very small scale. Let's own a bakery together. Oh, You know, it was, you know, I grew up in a really small town and I just thought it'd be like the small little mom and pop shop, you know, not speaking with him on a stage, for sure.
Not that. And, but, you know, because the Lord had put it in my heart to do. Do life with you. When we were asked to do that, I felt like the Lord was said to, you asked me to do life with him, and now I've opened this opportunity. I need to walk through it. And I was scared out of my mind to do it. And so I met with my pastor Terry for, and she, she empowered me.
She, it was just a beautiful moment. And I said, I don't want to do this. Like, and there's nothing inside of me that wants to do this, but yet I want to do life with Jason. And she said, Tori, you've done harder things. You've done harder things. I'll never forget. Those words just meant so much to me. She said you've given birth to four kids.
He stayed home with them. Why Jason's traveled for years and years and years, I promise you. You can do this. You've done harder things. And it was the power of testimony. You know, Stan, you've done harder things. You have a testimony of doing hard things. You can do this, you know? And, um, I just, I loved that so much.
It was, it encouraged me so much. And I wanted to read this, um, this quote that I came across a few years ago. And I think it's, it's so good because in life we do. To do really hard things, but we have to choose our hard, gosh. Yes. And I actually don't know who wrote this. It's unknown, but it's, it's so good.
It says marriage is hard. Divorce is hard. Choose your heart. Obesity is hard. Being fit is hard. Choose your heart being in debt is hard. Being financially disciplined is hard. Choose your hard communication is hard. Not communicating is hard. Choose your hard life will never be easy. It will always be hard, but we cheat, but we can choose our heart wisely.
It's like, okay. Like when she said to me, you've done harder things, it's like, you got. Do you want to do, do you want to start doing stuff with Jason? Like you've always dreamed of, it's going to be hard, but you've done harder things or you can, you can say, no, you can, you can give to. Yeah, and that's going to be hard to choose your heart.
I remember feeling so thankful to Terry and Terry's, uh, on the pastoral staff at our church, uh, refuge church in Kannapolis, by the way, you should come out and visit us at refuge church, sometime pastor Jay Stewart out there. He's awesome. Lead pastor. So, but, uh, when Terry shared that with Tori, I just was so thankful.
And one of the things that I learned from that, and then we're willing to wrap this up, is that when your spouse is going through fear, jump into it. Yeah. Or when you're going through some fear, let your spouse in on it. It's going to draw you close together. So if you're the one who's going through a period of a time of fear or whatever, let your spouse in on it.
Like you're not meant to go this alone. And, and if your spouse is the one who's going through the fear, be gentle as you go through it with them because they're not supposed to go through it alone and you guys will pull each other out. And you know what happens on the other side is that you're going to draw really close to you.
And remind them of when God's faithfulness intercepted with their faith in times past help them to stand on their testimony when they forgotten their, their testimony, remind them of what that was. That's Moses's staff on that, that staff, when he was standing there at the edge of the red sea with a, with a mountain on one side, a mountain on the other, and he had an army chasing him, and then he was faced with an ocean and insurmountable path that he had to move forward.
There was nowhere he could go, he held up his staff and on that. Those staffs back in the day, uh, important events in your life, you would carve the date and sometimes even the topic and sometimes names of people on that staff. And so when Moses is holding up at staff, he's holding up the power of his testimony, all the other difficult things that he made it through, that he put, he put dates on onto his staff.
That's what God wants to do with you. And when he does it with you individually, he'll do it with you. Relationally. It'll draw close. Tori forgot her book of would you rather, and you know what? It is 9 57 and I have an appointment at 10 o'clock, so I gotta run. So for, would you rather, would you rather complete your podcast or be late to a dentist appointment?
It depletes your podcast. Okay. We love you. Don't forget to rate, review, subscribe, and we will see you next time, but Tori's got to go.