Accepting Your Spouse

When we first got married we quickly discovered one of the most difficult things to do was to accept each other for who we really are.  Not because we didn't love each other, oh no! But because we discovered certain things we didn't like about each other.

Fortunately, we made it through those early years and learned some powerful keys that helped us along the way.

Here's what we discuss in this episode:

* How to be accepting of your spouse
* How to be acceptable to your spouse
* The foundation for acceptance - loving yourself
* Three things God wants you to know about how He feels about you
* How you can show God's love to your spouse
* How to grow in intimacy

Oh, and Tori's jokes are really on point today!

If you want to learn more about Jason and Tori click HERE. 

If you haven't purchased the Beauty in Battle book you can get it HERE. 

Transcript

ACCEPTING YOUR SPOUSE 

By Jason & Tori Benham

Today, we're talking about accepting your spouse because the foundation for intimacy is to be fully known and fully accepted. So if you don't feel accepted, then you can't be intimate. And if you're not fully accepting your spouse, then there is no true intimacy. Now we talked, you know, last podcast about communication that has helps you fully know your spouse, but the more you fully know your spouse and the more you accept your spouse.

The more connected and intimate you guys will be. Hmm. How about that? So good. Now, before we dive into that, I've gotta turn it over to my incredible, incredibly awesome piece of arm, arm candy here. okay. You are good arm candy. Thank you. I appreciate that. Yeah, no problem. I really, I like, there's not. Is there a resource online that anyone knows of really good jokes.

Like this has not been easy to find no good quality jokes that are actually funny. Like, well, I think we're waiting on people to help us, but I, I think too, um, a lot of the jokes that. Are more funny are like kind of inappropriate, dirty. Yeah. Got it. So it's it's I have to put in corny so that I don't get dirty.

Corny is good. Corny. Corny is good. There's still, there's gotta be good jokes that are not dirty. Okay. So please people to be come through, jump in. Okay. Okay. Hit us. Our local auctioner has passed away. He was somewhere around 30, 30, 5, 35, 40

I think that's your best one so far. Oh, did you practice that? I did once. Yeah, busted. Okay. I love that one. One more to everyone out there suffer from paranoia. Just remember you're not alone.

I like it. I'm proud of you. Thank you. All right. On the joke scale. That first one. That's a 10. Okay, good. I'm digging. Good job to, okay, so you guys help her out. Come on you ladies. There's gotta be some good jokes that you like. I have funny jokes before then. I just, they're not coming to mind. Go to at Jason and Tory on Instagram.

Or Twitter and tell us what you got. Private message Tory she'll give you her email address. I feel like, um, that clownfish from Nemo. Oh yeah. It's like there was a mosque. Yeah. He's not a funny clownfish. you know, for a clownfish. You're really not that funny. okay. So now let's talk, acceptance, because I think one of the best things that we can do in marriage, Is accept your spouse for who they are.

Obviously we've talked about intimacy. Now, there are two aspects that I wanna talk about today and then tour. I want to turn it over to you to help us with some stuff, but I wanna talk about two aspects. One is to be accepting of your spouse. Two is to be acceptable to your spouse. So the first is be accepting.

Like don't try to change your spouse. Yeah, I think about, um, David King, David. And his wife, Michael, who was Saul's daughter in the scripture. And David had had, uh, already taken the arc of the covenant and he put it on a cart, which you're not supposed to do. And it, it began to tip. And one of the Levis reached his hand out to try to keep the arc from falling.

And the guy ended up dying. God struck him dead. He was a Levi who should have known better, uh, uh, the arc of the covenant. Doesn't go on a cart. It goes on poles and therefore God punished him for that. And Dave got mad. So he leaves the arc of the covenant in this specific place. And then months later, David says, uh, I got it.

We're we're gonna bring the arc of the covenant. Back to Jerusalem, but we're gonna do it the right way. So he gets the Levis to bring it in on polls. And when he is doing, when, when they're doing that, David has this big parade and he's out front and verse 14 of second, Samuel six. This is crazy. It says David was win, wearing a linen FD, which is something that the priests wore now.

It's it sounds like he's only wearing some like linen undergarment. No, no, no. This was like a big robe thing. And, uh, David was dancing before the Lord with all his mic while he, and all, all Israel were bringing up the arc of the Lord with shouts and the shouts of tr at the sound of trumpets. Now everybody's excited.

They're all in this parade and David's the one leading it. Yeah. Like this is a very good thing. What he is doing, bringing the arc of the covenant of God, uh, into Jerusalem, which symbolized the presence of God. And it was something God wanted him to do. So he was walking in obedience to God and he was really jazzed up and excited about it.

Yeah. And he was, he was feeling it. He was getting his groove on. Right. as the arc of the Lord was entering the city of David, Michael daughter of Saul watched from a window. That was his wife. Mm-hmm when she saw king David leaping and dancing before the Lord, she despised him in her heart. Mm. So here's a wife, who's looking at her husband doing something mm-hmm and she don't like the way he's doing it.

Mm-hmm , you know, she, she might be like, I, I know who you are. In in private, right? Like you screamed at me just before you left to go get that a at me and the kids. Right. I know who you are and she despised him. Wow. And this is bad because this, this, we get a chance to see that Michael got God, wasn't happy with Michael with the way this worked, worked out.

And so, uh, David and her get into this little argument, verse 20 a second, Samuel six, when David returned home to bless his household. Michael daughter of Saul came out to meet him and said how the king of Israel has distinguished himself today going around half naked and full view of the slave girls and of his servants as any vulgar fellow would do.

So she's judging his motives. Yep. And listen to how David responds. David said to Michael, it was before the Lord who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house. When he appointed me ruler over the Lord's people. Israel. Now stop there one second. The fact that David reminded her mm-hmm . Of the fact that God didn't choose her.

Dad tells me that Michael probably never really left and cleft with David. Like she was still of the house of Saul, still thinking maybe her brother Jonathan should have gotten the kingship mm-hmm , uh, she didn't really like leave and Cleve, she put more emphasis on her mother and her father's opinion than her own husband's opinion.

And David's like, Oh, I know the root of what you're feeling right now. Interesting. You are judging my motives and you're thinking ill intent of me and not accepting me for who I am, because you're still tied up in your old house. Like you need to leave that house. It's almost like, he's like, I'm not your dad.

Yeah. You know? Yeah. That's exactly right. And so in verse 22, I'm not your dad, you know, your dad's not so emotional, but I am that reminded me. Yeah. Uh, hope you find your dad. buddy. The El buddy. The El okay. Verse 22. I will become even more UND five than this he's saying to her. So now he's like digging his heels in.

And I will be humiliated in my own eyes, but these slave girls you spoke of, I will be held in honor, basically. He's saying, you know, all these other girls, they respect out there, respect me. They respect me. Right. They respect me and I'm not trying to earn their respect. Mm-hmm what I want to do is I wanna earn your respect, but you're judging my motives right now.

You're not accepting me for who I am as the leader of Israel. And I was doing something that was leading people, showing them that God's presence is awesome. Yeah. And it's worthy of us to get our groove on. Yeah. It's worthy of us to pour ourselves out to, and now he, here you are judging me and condemning me and look how it ends for Michael in verse 23.

And Michael daughter of Saul David's wife had no children to the day of her death. So the Bible is telling us she was the one who was in the wrong. So the first thing is you gotta be accepting to your spouse. And the second thing is you gotta be acceptable. Mm. And what that means is fix what you can fix. Yeah. Look, you've got some issues that drive your spouse crazy.

And it's not just a personality trait. Like maybe you, maybe you're a loud laugh. We'll fix that. Yeah. Maybe you're a close talker. You can fix that. Maybe you talk too much when you're around crowds. Fix it. Like now first spouse, if you're, if you're judging the motives of your partner, because of the way that they talk or the way that they laugh or whatever, you know, like what Michael did with David, then God sees your motive.

Right. God sees that. And, and he's not happy with you judging spouse like that, but, but on the flip side, if there is something that you do that annoys the, do your spouse stop doing it. Right. And I think a good rule of thumb is that when something annoys you. Sometimes you just need to wait before you bring it to your spouse.

Like, it might not be the right timing when you're feel like it could be that you're just in a bad mood or you're right. Hormonal or, you know, whatever it may be. So maybe just wait, because you're right. There are things that you do need to communicate with your spouse, but cuz you're there to help, help make them better.

Right? Yeah. But timing is crucial. Off. And obviously this, that timing for Michael was way off. Yeah. And maybe had she waited to tell him that in the right time, maybe she actually could have done it in a way that was honoring and respectful and she wouldn't have held onto that bitterness. Or maybe she could have actually asked him questions and we're like, why were you.

Like, you're not wearing for me to understand. You're not really wearing what you normally wear. Yeah. And you're dancing front of women. And I see all these other ladies out there too. What was going on? I feel protective of you and it's not so much of a character assassination as, as a. Can we talk about some, you know, can we talk about this?

Yes. Well, so it's accepting your spouse, but then it's also being acceptable, which means fixing what you can fix, but it also means learning to accept yourself. Hmm. Like you said, this the other day to, you said you can't love well until you're loved. Well, right? Like the secret to accepting your is accepting yourself for who God made you to be.

Right. Um, two greatest commandments, you know what they are. Love the Lord, your God, without your heart soul in mind. And then love your neighbor as yourself as yourself. Mm-hmm so self love is the basis for loving other people. Yeah. Like if you don't love yourself, then you're not gonna know how to love other people.

Hmm. You just can't. So Jesus basically gives us three commandments there and it's so powerful. The way that he does it, he's like, love God, love others. The way you love yourself, which it presupposes. That's all on a foundation of loving yourself. So loving yourself is accepting yourself. It's not like falling in love with yourself.

That's when you start inspecting your fruit. Right? Right. No, it's accepting yourself for who God made you to be and not envying people that, that you're not like that you admire or feeling prideful toward people that you're not like that you don't admire. Right. It's just, I accept myself for who I am.

Yeah. And. That that's powerful now to, to see the foundation for accepting yourself. And this is so good for when it comes to accepting your spouse for who they are, is recognizing who they are in terms of who God thinks you are. So I think about Jesus in Matthew three and Matthew four, excuse me. When he went in for his Tim to, he went 40 days in the wilderness and he was tempted by the devil and he experienced the greatest, uh, Like temptation trial that anybody could go through and he experienced that.

And, and so by God's grace, he was Victor. So we remember the temptations of Jesus. Satan comes at the end of his 40 day, fast he's starving. And Satan's like, turn that bread into wa uh, turn that water rock into bread. And, and then he tells him to throw himself off of a cliff and, and God will protect him.

And then he just, so he tempts him three times and, and Jesus proves victorious over that just before he went in, though. To that 40 days of, of testing. Um, God said something very specific to Jesus. So God said something to Jesus just before he went in to his own son, he, he spoke something very clear.

Jesus had just gotten baptized by John the Baptist, right? This is at the end of Matthew three. And, and he came up outta of the water and God said, three very specific things to him. He said, this is my son. Whom I love with him. I am well pleased. He said three things to his son to prepare him for this battle.

He said, you're mine. I love you. I like you so powerful. Yes. Those are the three things that God communicated to Jesus that Jesus needed to pull him to pull himself through the most difficult trial he was about to face. Yeah. And so here's what I, here's where I'm going with this. God says that about each of us as well.

Right? Like you're mine. God says to you, I love you. God says to you and I like you, right? Like I made you the way I made you. Right. You're mine. I love you. I like you. And the most powerful part of this is that God wants to say that to your spouse, through you. Wow. And God wants to say that to you through your spouse.

Wow. The question of marriage is will you let him? Mm, that just, it makes me think of, um, the, the five human core needs. Yes. That, um, psychologists. Cook cook talks about, um, and the first three really touch on those three things that you just can I give the five? Yeah. You know, the five? Um, I think I do. Yeah.

So you've got, um, identity security is number one. Oh, security. Who can I trust identity? Yes. Am I, um, belonging, belonging. who's. Am I? Yeah. Who? Yeah. Who wants me? Who wants, wants me? Who's who's am I who, who wants me? Yep. And then purpose, purpose. What can I do? Well, no purpose is, why am I alive? Why am I alive?

And then, um, competence, competence, what can I do? Well? Yep. So it's security, identity, belonging, purpose, and competence. So those are our four or four or five, whatever who's counting love that those are our five. Core needs. And so when you look at what you're talking about, I love you. I like you, your mine, your mine.

Those are the first, the top three. Yeah. Security. Who can I trust? Love is based on trust. 

 Yeah. And then the second one is identity identity. Who am I? When you say, I like you it's I like all of you. I like who you are. Yeah. Like who you are is enough for me. That's good. You know? Um, and then the last one is, um, belonging. I, you know, your mine, your mine.

And I just think that's so cool. Like we have, God gave us our core needs. Yeah. And then he teaches us. In scripture, how, how important it is for us to communicate and to validate those needs. Yeah. That's basically exactly what he's doing right there. He's validating your need to be liked, loved and to belong.

Yeah, that's exactly. And that's the, the foundation for acceptance when you accept your spouse else. And when you are fully known and fully accepted, that is. Intimacy. Mm. And none of us can survive without intimacy. Yeah. So, so good. And we love because he first loved us. Yeah. Right. Like we cannot love well, unless we are loved.

Well, it's impossible. And so if we do not receive this from the father as Jesus did, he showed us through the example. Right. If we do not allow him to speak into our lives, I love you. I like you, your mind. Like that. I, I really believe that that should be something that we are receiving from him. Those words we should receive from him every single day.

Yeah. Like we should wake up every morning and be like, receive those words. I love you. I like your mind. Yeah, because only based on, on that, on receiving that, can we give it, and in the foundation of marriage, Uh, thinking about you and your spouse, you need to be the person who communicates that to your spouse.

On behalf of God, like the way that you treat your spouse, the way that you accept your spouse for who they are, needs to speak to them. You're God's, mm-hmm he loves you and he likes you, but it also. That's what you communicate to your spouse about yourself. Like Tori you're mine. I love you. And I like you just like you are.

Yeah. You know, the, the, how a lot of times the jokes aren't really that funny, but you're laughing hysterically at yourself. like, I accept that. And I love that. Mm-hmm um, we have a chapter in our book that, where I talked about, um, pushing in the drawers. And so tour's personality is everything's got a place, um, except, uh, clothes that.

Should be in drawers and they're not really in drawers. So in our closet, you'll see open drawers, actually, not as much as we used to, but that used to be something that would drive me crazy about Tory. And I, I I've done this talk before and I'll, I'll do it again. Maybe on a podcast where I talk about concentration leads to captivation.

Yeah. or it can lead you to some serious disconnectedness. It can lead you to criticism. I was concentrating on what I didn't like about Tori. The fact that she didn't push the drawers in the reason why she didn't was because she was off, you know, in her mind thinking through world problems or whatever, you know, that she's gonna fix and push, pushing the Roback in just wasn't important, but that was a part of her personality and it still is part of her personality.

That's. Really awesome. But when we first got married, I, I was thinking about the wrong thing and I honestly didn't accept you for that. Right. I didn't accept it. And I gave her such a hard time and it hurt her sometimes, cuz I would say some things and uh, just in my own cutting way. Yeah. And then the Lord just convicted me and, and was essentially, you need to accept her for who she is.

I made her that way. Mm-hmm and uh, and, and so I did, and now I realize that that facet of your personality, no, that, that facet of your personality. Is something that I really treasure and I need. Yeah. So much. Mm-hmm yeah. I remember when you and I first got married that the Lord had to really show me that my needs had to be met through him first.

Um, and I remember, you know, we talked about this in the book, too, that when we first got married, there was this expectation that you were gonna be the same guy that I dated, which was a long distance relationship that you were gonna be able to keep up with, you know, all the romantic things, all the romantic things.

And. You know, we got married and you started to pursue your career. And that pursuit of me dwindled. And I was kind of devastated that first year that, um, you know, that you weren't pursuing me the same way that you had been when we were dating. And I remember that was a season for me where the Lord was like, am I'm gonna have to be enough.

I'm gonna have to be the fulfill of your need first because when I use people to fulfill your need, it's still me. Yeah. It's, you know, it's like, I can't look. To people to meet needs. I have to see that God is my source. And then if he chooses to use people, then that's, that's wonderful. He wants to do that.

He wants to bring us into relationship, but he doesn't want, he didn't just create Adam. Right. He wanted to create relationships. He created Adam and Eve. So that there's it's, it's not just our relationship with him. He, he is. He loves relationship. The relationships that we have with others, that's really important to him, but we have to see him as our source and we have to see him as our core first.

Yeah. And so that first year it was establishing that he is the fulfiller of, of my needs. And then as you began to come around and come back over, you know, we talk, we tell the whole story in the book, but. You know, within what I think it was year six, you kind of came back around and the Lord started convicting you and, and, and really, um, put putting me on your heart again.

I knew then that, that was that the things that God put on your heart to do for me were, was God doing it for me. Yeah, it wasn't. So that's like, if, if you weren't, you know, know. If you weren't constantly meeting my needs. I still knew who my, who my source was. And I still knew, knew that it was God that was fulfilling my needs.

And so it's like when, when you talk about. Those three things that God says it's so important that we hear them first from God. And then when God chooses to use other people to do that, even like with my kids and friendships. And of course with you now, I'm like, oh God, that was so sweet. But he did that through them.

Yeah. Your mind. I love you. I like it. And that's such a good point of recognizing that God is the one who meet your needs because when you recognize God as the one who brought your spouse to you, that's the foundation, the true foundation for acceptance. When, when God created Eve and he brought her to Adam, Adam looked at Eve, knowing that God had brought him someone, right.

He, he, it, they didn't have an opportunity to see how their personalities meshed. They didn't have an opportunity to get to know each other. Adam accepted Eve and Eve accepted Adam on the basis. The fact that God is the one who put 'em together. Mm. Now, listen, God is the one who put you and your spouse together.

Even if it came because your, your marriage came about, because one of you got, you know, I say one of you got pregnant, the wife got pregnant, or the woman got pregnant and you guys got married because you just had no other choice. Listen, God overrules these things mm-hmm and now God puts you together.

Mm-hmm like, yeah, God put you together. Accept each other on the basis of what God has done. And then just accept each other, speak life into each other. Your mind. I love you. I like you. Mm-hmm your mind. I love you. I like you. And when you, but it's such a simple, it's so simple. It's only three steps. Yeah.

Right? If we can, if, if that can become a habit of our life to where we're like, we hear God saying to us, I like you. I love you. You're mine. Yeah. And on the basis of that, I'm gonna show that I'm gonna reciprocate that. Yeah. And that type of acceptance. Here's what we can promise you will grow so deep in your intimacy with each other.

If there's nothing better than. I like you. I love you. You're mine. You're mine, girl. all right. How about a, would you rather to finish this sucker off? Okay. How about what you got? All right. Are you flipping through pages right now? No, I'm flipping one page. One page. Okay. Would you rather eat? Sorry. That's not the one.

That's not the one. Okay. Would you rather clean a litter box with your bare hands or clean a cat using only your tongue? Oh my gosh. That is like, not even question. clean the litter box. Oh my word. Plus, if you choose to clean the litter box, like later on clean, then the junk and it's a already hardened.

Yeah. Yeah. I, I just clean the litter box ladies, if any of you answered. Clean it clean it with your tongue. You're whacked. Don't listen to our podcast anymore. You're not our friend. all right. All right. Thanks for hanging out with us. Don't forget to rate, review, subscribe, beauty and battle. If you think that this could help anybody share it with them, if you don't, then that's your fault.

Not ours, actually. It's Tory's fault. All right, we see you next time.