Forgiveness Redefined

What married couple doesn't have to deal with forgiveness? It's something Tori has to deal with on a regular occasion. HA HA! 

In this episode, we're going to tackle the issue of forgiveness and the danger of unforgiveness, and how unforgiveness in the heart gives someone control over your life. 

We've heard it said, "Refusing to forgive is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die." 

To help us wade through the murky waters of forgiveness, we've broken this episode down into two categories:

* When you've wronged someone, how do you seek forgiveness? 
* When someone has wronged you, how do you grant forgiveness?

When it comes to seeking forgiveness, the Bible gives us a powerful three-step plan for confession and the one thing we have to do if we're going to experience healing in our relationship. It comes from Psalms 51 when King David sinned with Bathsheba.

When it comes to granting forgiveness, we don't believe you can forgive and forget and just move on. We believe that forgiving "as God forgives" looks quite a bit different than what you've probably been taught before.

We'll dissect two specific occasions where Jesus shows us how to deal with a person who's repented and someone who hasn't. You won't want to miss this episode!

So let's dive in!

You can see more episodes and/or get our book on our WEBSITE. 

Transcript

FORGIVENESS REDEFINED 

By Jason & Tori Benham

We're talking about forgiveness today. I know nobody that's listening to. This has ever struggled with forgiveness. I know Tori's never struggled with forgiveness and I've never done anything that you've had to forgive me for. Yeah. Not so much, but we're talking about forgiveness, the two aspects of forgiveness, and then what you're supposed to do when someone wrongs you, but doesn't ask for forgiveness.

Like that's, it's a, it's crazy to think about that way, but we're going to apply it specifically to. I'm ready for it. I was sitting here waiting and I'm like, should I go the direction of telling Tory let's go ahead and give her jokes or just dive right into forgiveness. But we got to go. We got to do your jokes, start with the jokes.

And I just did a huge shout out to my friend, Kim, who took me up on what I. I think it was the last podcast or maybe two do back. I said, please send me your funniest jokes. People I need help. Kim. So Kim came, Kim Vincent came for me in the clubs. Um, so thank you, Kim. And I'd like to make another request, more jokes, please, please send me jokes.

Your funniest jokes that you, you know, just in the top of your head. Reel them off to me through an email or, or you could do it through a DME. Hey, can we, can I say something real quick about Kim? Yeah. So we, we also need to do one where we talk about coolest husband, wife names, you know, like Sonny and Cher, right?

Like if, if there's another Sonny and Cher, like that would be pretty cool. Although I don't know that there's any human being named Cher other than share, um, Kim and kin. K. K I M and K I N. Husband and wife, husband and wife. Kim and Ken Vincent. Yep. How about the matchmaking method? Okay. We're Tory and Jason, by the way.

So in case you were wondering, okay, here we go. Siri, how do I always mess it up with women? Um, this is the electric.

Kim, you did it, did it come on? Your jokes are so much better. So what we, I think the beginning of that should be, um, the man says to Siri, why do I keep messing it up with women? But I'm like the joke teller here. Oh, that's right. You are the joke teller. Okay. Um, I was going to cook alligator. But realize I only had a Crock-Pot.

Oh, okay. You know what, w w we're not recording this, uh, podcast on video, but we should, because I want everybody to see your responses to the jokes I need to, I need to crank it up. Okay. Are you still on a roll? Nope. Okay. That's it, Kim. Vincent, thank you very much for that. It was impressive. I like the series.

Maybe not the alligator one, but the Siri one works, keep them coming. Okay. So I want to get into forgiveness, uh, because in marriage, this is a topic that just Tori and I see coming, uh, when, when people come and sit in our living room and talk with us, we see this happening more and more often that people have forgiveness issues.

So it's either with each other or it's from a past childhood wound or it's something that someone has said or done to them. You know, that's a neighbor or a coworker or whatever. Forgiveness is a major issue in marriage. And if you don't forgive as God forgives it, and whether or not it's your partner or not, it will ruin your marriage.

I mean, we think about the Lord's prayer. It's a sabotaging prayer. When Jesus says, Hey, I'm going to teach you how to pray. And he there's a line in there that says, father, forgive us, our debts or trust. As we forgive those who trespass against us, which means we're sabotaging ourselves. When we pray that forgive me, God, in accordance to how I forgive others.

Wow. Which is crazy. And it's scary. Yes. Very scary. And unforgiveness gives someone control over your life. So when, when you do not forgive as God forgives, and we're going to define to you how God forgives and trust me, it's different than what you. It's completely different than what you think, but it's going to help you.

And it's going to set you free if you struggle with unforgiveness, but to have unforgiveness in your heart, it gives someone control over your life. Um, I heard this quote, I forget who said this, but they said refusing to forgive is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die. I like that one.

I've heard that before, too. It's so true though. It is. It's very true, but it is because you're, you're, you're giving that person control over your life. And at the same time, that person may not even know they did or said anything that offended you. So we we've got to talk about forgiveness. Now. I want to get into two aspects of forgiveness.

The first is when someone has wronged you. So we're going to say someone, but we can also apply this to. And we're going to talk about a situation with Tori and I, but the first is when someone has wronged you. The second is when you've wronged someone, then what are you supposed to do? I want to, I want to put this in reverse.

So let's talk about forgiveness when you've wronged someone like you've wronged your spouse. Okay. So what do you do when you've done or said something that you need forgiveness for? Uh, and you know that you've, you've done it and you've got to connect. Let let's say in the context of your spouse, what do you do?

Okay. Well, w first let's look at scripture and find out what David did. You know, David was king David. He was a, he was a big center, but he was a big repenter and, and all the junk that we see in his life. We see him making, making things right with God and Psalm 51 is probably one of the. Passages of scripture on forgiveness and the whole of the Bible.

And look at Psalm 51 in verse one and two. And I know you guys are listening to a podcast, so you probably don't have your Bible, but if you're feeling really spiritual, take your phone, open up a, buy a Bible app. Turn with me. If you will, to Psalm 51, listen to what David says. This is after he sinned with bash.

Look what he says. He'd he'd just gotten rebuked by Nathan. He says, have mercy on me. Oh God. According to your unfailing, love, according to your great compassion. Okay. So that's the way he starts, according to your great compassion. God. So I'm relying on your mercy and your compassion. I'm not relying on my own merit because I don't deserve it.

And listen, David Ben gives him three things. He T he tells God three things that he wants God to do. Okay. And this is in rural, in regards to repent. It's the first thing that. Blot out my transgressions. Second thing. He says, wash away all my inequities. Third thing he says, cleanse me from my sin, blot out, wash away, cleanse blotting out that step.

Number one. Wow. It's relying on God to blot out. Like I give Tori a white shirt and I got some barbecue on it because I was eating some really good smoke pit barbecue. The burnt ends at smoke pit. And I got a little barbecue on my shirt. I hand it to her. I'm like, I don't know what to do with this. Oh, bad.

Like blot out your own dang shirt, Tory my shirt, because I got barbecue on it. Are you seven? Uh, rebuke, rebuke on the podcast. You're right. I know how to blot out my stuff. Okay. But it wasn't always that way. So I get, let's say I give it to you. I don't know what to do with the shirt and one of the let's.

Okay. Let's just say. Trey, our oldest son gives you his shirt. Now that would be something that he would do. Right? One of the first things that you do is you block the sucker out. You, you, you put like stain remover or whatever it is on there. And I don't know how it works, but water something, and you're kind of blotting it out.

And then what's the next. You wash it. Right? Right. So the blot out is that that's like, Jesus, what he did on the cross, his blood covers your blood. Like that blocks it out. The second thing is washing it. It's like, now let's put the shirt in the washer and it's got to go through this little cycle. It's slow process and it's getting rolled around.

So. That that, that it takes time to get clean so that washing away Jesus, his blood also washes us. So it cleanse it, it blots us and it washes. And then the third thing is the cleansing. Now this is where people come in, this is where your spouse comes in. Well, how do I say that? Well, Jesus blots, he washes and he also cleanses, but how does he cleanse?

He brings people into the mix in James five, six. You know what James five 16 says, but you're going to tell me, confess your sin. One to another and you will find healing. Yep. The cleansing comes from confessing, your sins to other people and they help you with the whole process of forgiveness. It's like now I've, I've sinned.

I've confessed it. Um, I know that Jesus has blotted it out. I know that he's washed away the guilt. Um, and, and now I need to go through the cleansing process and cleansing is all about changing your thought path. So, this is where your spouse comes in. This is how it's going to help you. So if you've done something stupid, let's apply it to marriage and you need to confess it now, right now, if I'm saying this and you're feeling something and you're feeling a little burn, yeah.

Then chances are, there's something that God wants you to confess to your spouse. And it could be something that you did or said years ago. It could be something that you covered up, whatever this happened in the first. I mean, how many, a months where we married whenever I covered something up, you want me to tell you, I'm going to tell the story.

Okay. So can you be nice to me though? Yes. Okay. I love you. Thank you. Love you too. I forgive you. Um, so I think it was just like maybe a month into marriage and we had moved to Atlanta, Georgia, and we were both working at John Maxwell's company. I was a sales rep and you were a sales rep. I was a. I guess I was a sales rep too, but just a product outside sales, you were inside sales.

Right. And. I was only, I had not even turned 19. I was still 18 when we lived in Atlanta cradle robber, I'm a cradle robber. And so I was just adjusting to regular life. And, um, the traffic in Atlanta is horrible. And I'm, uh, I'm already one that runs late to everything anyways. So, and then you were like super particular about us leaving the house really clean and the bed made.

And I was like, I just couldn't quite figure it all out. Right. And so we were late several times. And your like best friend who hired us, basically sent you an email and was like, dude, you've got you guys gotta be like on time. Is it the team meeting? This is like, this is getting bad. Yeah, that was, that was my good buddy.

Gabe, a college buddy gave lines. He was so nice to us though. Sweet. But he had sent Jason this email and Jason told me, and he's like, babe, we can not be late. Another day. Gabe reached out to me through an email that da, I was like, oh my gosh. Okay. Like horrible. And I was like, okay, send me the email. Yeah.

Great. So chase, Jason sends me this email. And there's definitely a missing part to the email. So I'm reading through it and I'm like, okay. But, you know, he didn't know no that I would pick up on that, I guess. And so, and yet turned 19. So I was thinking I got one over on you. Yeah. So anyways, I was like, okay, I'm reading through it.

I'm like, something's missing. Where's the, where's the part right here. You know, like there's a response that's missing. And he's like, no, I don't think so. I'm such a liar. And so basically I was like, no, there's definitely something missing. And you confessed after a bit that you had deleted this part where you basically say that it threw me under the bus and you know, I get it from the trans from the standpoint, like you're, you're talking.

Best friend from college. You're like, dude, she's also my boss. Yeah. And you're like tourists, you know, just trying to figure all this out. She's just coming from basically high. I don't, I never said that girl, but I did throw you under the rug. I'm like, honestly, it's not my fault. It's Tories. And I'm trying to work with this.

I forget what I said, but it was bad enough to where. When Tori said, can you send me the email? My heart dropped? And I was like, ah, I can't send her that kill me. So I deleted it out and I lied. Yeah. Um, and so, you know, then he confessed and I was like, you know, just really upset that he had lied because it just that then it broke some trust and we had to build back that trust.

And really, I mean, that's the thing would, when you lie is, you know, it's, it, it takes time to build that back. I mean, I think it was. And over the course of the next couple of years, you and I, you know, had lied to each other a few different times where we had to come back and be like, actually that wasn't really a hundred percent true.

I don't remember. I'm sure I did. Okay. Well, we're going to have to talk about this. You lied a lot more. Um, but you know, it's, it's this going back and forth of? Well, you know, now that trust has been broken, I do forgive you, but. Now we've got to work on this trust thing again, and it just takes those times where you, where it's like, I don't really want to be completely honest right now in this moment, but when you're like, okay, I'm going to be completely honest with you.

Then it builds that trust back and we did build it back, but it was definitely, um, it was definitely one of those things early on. I was like, wait a minute. And then what's, what's crazy is about five years or six years into. I had lied about something. Uh, I forgot what it was, but, you know, and I wasn't out of habitual liar.

I just want to tell you this, but I forget what it was. You asked me some questions, the like, you know, when life is just hitting and you're super busy and you don't really want to deal with the consequences that come with the truth sometimes know. Yeah. Well, and so, and as a married couple, you think that if I tell the truth, Then it's going to hurt them and they're going to get upset.

And they're going to think one thing that I know isn't really true. And so therefore he just covered, but it's awful. You just be honest, straight from the get go. So anyway, we were five or six years in a marriage and I lied about something and, and honestly I forgot about it until probably eight years later.

And I was up early one morning and I was praying. I was like, Lord cleanse me. You know, like that's such a good prayer. Every, everybody should be praying every morning. Like God cleanse me and convict me of any. Any unknown sin, anything. And I remember just pausing for like, you know, two or three minutes and I'm like, Lord, is there anything you want to convict me of?

And the Lord reminded me of that lie that I had told like eight years prior. And I'm like, oh my gosh, you gotta be convict me of everything, but that, you know, and it wasn't even a big deal. It was like just a little something, but I really felt like the Lord was saying, you want to go deeper with me. You need to call Torah and make it right.

I remember I was at the Charlotte Douglas international. It was early in the morning. And I remember calling you and you had already got up, we're spending time with the Lord. And I said, I prayed. And I just told the story, you know, the Lord to, to convict me of anything. And the Lord convicted me of something I lied to you about.

And this was the situation. And I remember you just saying, thank you so much for telling that builds trust. You're like, you didn't need to lie about that. It wasn't a big deal, but I appreciate you telling me and that built trust. Yeah. And I think about that verse in Luke, um, Actually I have it written down, so it was gonna read it.

Uh, Luke 7 47. She has been forgiven of all her many sins. This is why she has shown me such extravagant love. But those who assume that they have very low little to be forgiven. Love me very little. It's such a good verse because though we can't forgive, unless we've first been forgiven, when you recognize the depth of your, your sin nature and.

In his infinite mercy for gave you, sent his son to die to forgive you only then through that overwhelming sense of gratitude, do you have the power to forgive? You know, and so it's like in marriage, I have to often think about that. Like, I have been forgiven so much even when you didn't deserve it, but I think it's such a tendency when somebody wrongs you to think I would never do that.

Like we, we do this comparison thing. Like. Um, because it might not be something that you're tempted with, you know, or it's something that, you know, that hasn't been a pull on you. And so you just think you're better than them, but in reality, we're all sinners. We all have fallen short of the glory of God and we have been.

So much forgiveness. It's only when we recognize that that we're like, no, I am just, as I am just as bad as center. I, I struggled just as bad and maybe in a totally different area area than you, but because I know how deeply I need forgiveness, I'm going to extend it. That's good. And what Tori said there is so key because, um, the comparison.

Comparison when you start to compare and say, well, I don't do that. Or I would never do that. The minute you compare like that you are moving toward contempt. Contempt is unchecked criticism in your heart and in your mind, and contempt will rip your marriage apart. So the minute you start comparing and you say, well, I wouldn't do that.

Well, I'm just telling you, you are in dangerous territory. You need to ask God to forgive you for that prideful spirit. You're you're just as jacked up as your spouse. So now that that's the first aspect of forgiveness, we wanted to talk about two aspects. The first is when you have wronged your partner or you've wronged someone, you go to God, blot out, wash away and cleanse it.

The cleansing is where your spouse comes in. That's where other people come in, you're confessing it. And that cleansing process, it takes time. Okay. Now the second aspect of forgiveness is when someone has wronged you. This is where unforgiveness comes in to play. This is where unforgiveness from the past Tory and I have seen, uh, has wrecked marriages.

Somebody did something to you when you were sick. You know, uh, someone said or did something to you when you were 14 and they never came back and confessed it and asked for forgiveness or anything like that. And you've been walking around with unforgiveness. And the next thing, you know, you realize you've given control of your life to that person, right.

That person doesn't know it. They may have had good motives and said, or done something that hurt you and they didn't know it, or they could have had ill intent, which that's the hardest one to forget. They had ill intent and yet they still have no intentions on coming back and asking for forgiveness David Knight.

It wrote in our book, whatever the cost, when we built this massive multi-million dollar building, uh, we hired a contractor who did everything wrong. He completely lied to us. And then our 40 foot retaining wall that the building was sitting on actually collapsed. And it costs us over a million dollars over a 10 month period in order to build that thing back.

And the dude never apologized. He never admitted it and actually ended up suing us to pay him an invoice of a hundred and something thousand dollars. He said we never paid, but we did. So it was like all of that stuff. Now that was 12 years ago to, you know, to this day he still has never asked for forgiveness.

Right. Okay. So what do we do? What do we would all happen? He ran, he ran away. You couldn't get ahold of him. It was just, okay, he's done with you. So what do we do? Because we have to repair. We have to forgive as God forgives. And how does God forgive? Let me, let me read to you a verse real quick. This is Luke 17 three.

Jesus is talking and I want you to pay attention to what he says here, because if someone has wronged us or your spouse has wronged you. Okay. And there's two different aspects of this one. They've. Or two, they haven't repented. So what do we do if they repent? What do we do? Well, we forgive, right? But what if they don't repent looking look in Luke 17 three, look what Jesus says to his, to the disciples that he's teaching.

He says, so watch yourselves, if your brother or sister sins against you rebuke them. And if they repent, forgive them, the, do you see that if your brother or sister sins against you, what are you supposed to do? Not saying anything. If they've done something that hurt you, they might not know that they did or said something that hurt you, but it's a sin against you.

Yeah. What are you supposed to do? You can't worse. Don't hold it in. Right? You have to say it. And if you're not willing to say it, then you got to drop it, but nobody can do that because that's not human nature. We can't drop things. You can't forgive and forget it does not work. Okay. But the first thing you're supposed to do.

So your spouse does or says something that really hurts you. Step number one, you, you, you rebuke them and there's a proper way to bring rebuke Tori. And I'll, we'll dive into that on a podcast at some point, the difference between criticism and a complaint, and how are you going to make sure that your spouse never gets defensive?

Okay. So the first thing it's you rebuke them, but look what Jesus says. He says, and if they repent, forgive them, what if they don't repent? Well, here's, here's the, here's the key that might set you free. If they don't repent, you can't grant them forgiveness. Let me ask you this question. Does God forgive an unrepentant center if you're reading the same Bible that we're reading?

No, because when we read the scripture, if someone doesn't repent of their sins, they're rejecting God. And if they reject God, what does. It's pun is the eternal punishment like this that's, that's how our Bible reads, but what are you supposed to do? Because obviously you can't hold on to unforgiveness.

What are you supposed to do? Well, fortunately, we have two stories in the scripture. Uh, the first is Jesus healing, a paralyzed guy. You guys all remember the. Um, how there were four friends and they had a paralyzed buddy and Jesus was teaching inside this house and they couldn't get into the house. They brought their buddy.

They couldn't get in there. And Jesus was, was teaching. He was teaching really hard and all of a sudden, next thing you know, there's a hole in the ceiling gets popped down. And these, these four buddy's lowered their paralyzed friend into that room where Jesus was teaching and Jesus looks and he sees their faith.

And then he looks at the paralyzed man before he. He looks at him and what's he tell him, do you remember what he told him? Your sins are forgiven? So sickness in the old Testament oftentimes was a sign of sin. So Jesus looks at him. And the first thing that he does is he forgives the man's sin. So Jesus had the power to forgive sins.

Right. Okay. And he did it and he said it to that, man, your sins are forgiven. So he was able to peer into this man's soul saw that he was ripping. And Jesus granted him, the forgiveness that he needed, he needed and he wanted, okay. So Jesus had the power to forgive sins. Now let's take a different scenario.

Jesus. When he's been nailed to the cross and he's been nailed by the centurions and he's got other Jews who are standing around watching, and he's got Jews that were crying out, crucify him and Jesus is nailed on the cross. And then what does he say? Does he say the same thing you said to the parallel.

The paralyzed man, who's laying there and Jesus says your sins are forgiven. Jesus. Doesn't look at the Centurion and, and the rest of those Jews that nailed him to the cross. He doesn't look at them and say, your sins are forgiven. What does he say, father, forgive them for. They know not what they do. You see.

There's a huge difference there in the one situation with the paralyzed man, he was repentant and Jesus granted him, the forgiveness that he repented up in the second scenario with Jesus on the cross, these people weren't ripping. Right. They weren't asking for forgiveness. And so Jesus couldn't grant them forgiveness because they didn't ask for it.

Then what did he do? Because obviously he didn't die, uh, with unforgiveness in his heart. What did he do? He gave the situation to God and he said, father, forgive them. Wow. In that moment, Jesus knew these people were not repentant. Therefore I can't grant them the forgiveness that I want to grant them personally.

But God, I pray that you would bring them to repentance and then forgive. Just as you would forgive me a center, although Jesus, wasn't a center. Right. You know, he had the potential to sin. Right. But that's the way that we do it. Yeah. And I remember when your dad shared this with you, when the wall fell here at the office and he came to you one morning and he said, so Jace, how are you doing?

You're like, I'm doing great. And he said, how's your heart? And you said, I'm doing much better. I've forgiven, you know, such and such. And he said, what'd he say to you, you can't do that. And it's true because when you've granted forgiveness to someone who has wronged you greatly, and you've granted them forgiveness that they didn't ask for, you will experience cognitive dissonance, right?

Because what, what is conviction meant to do when someone feels convicted in their heart, it's supposed to lead them to God. And when they repent to God, then God reminds them. You need to repent to that. What does that do that humility causes us to go, oh, well, great. Because that's justice, right? That they recognize they did something wrong.

They deserve punishment for what they did. Right. And therefore, they're asking you on the basis of your Goodwill, don't punish me. Right. Right. And what we're saying is when someone repents like that to you, you forgive them and grant them what they asked for, because God gave it to you. When you asked him and you didn't deserve it.

It doesn't matter whether the person deserves. Wow. What matters is, is that God gave it to you when you didn't deserve it. But what do you do when the person doesn't repent? Well, you have to do what Jesus did on the cross. Because if in that moment, someone doesn't repent and you grant them forgiveness.

You have trampled the justice of God. Now you've done it with Goodwill in your heart. You've done it with the right motive. I'm not faulting you for that. I mean, I did it right, but there was something in me that was like, but justice hasn't been done. Bill and Kevin need justice. But you know what? I'm going to take the higher ground and I'm going to forgive them, but something wasn't right in my spirit.

And so the Lord knows your heart. So if you've done it the wrong way, which is to grant forgiveness, when somebody hasn't asked for it, God knows your heart and he can give you peace because he knows your heart and he knows this, but, but what I'm sharing with you is something that set me free when my dad shared it with me.

I remember I remember you coming home and you're like, I feel so low. Yeah, it felt so light. There was something you were holding onto. You're like, I thought that I was letting go by saying, I forgive you, but really I had to, it had to be a handoff. Yes. It had to be a handoff or I was still holding on because there is that cognitive dissidence that was like still holding on.

Yeah. And you know, I, I think about a lot of times when it comes to. Holding on to things like unforgiveness. Um, I think about my great grandmother. Um, I think I've told you this story before, but when I was in high school, my grandmother, who we call Mimi, um, the most godly woman that I know, and she was just a huge prayer warrior prayed for you, prayed you into my life.

I know that she did. And I think she, I know that she prayed all of the grandkids spouses that was really important to her and we've all married just to me. Amazing godly people. Thank you, Mimi. Yes. And, um, I remember I was doing a research paper on the power of positive thinking the power of your mind.

And she brought me into her, um, her house and throughout the house. She would say oodles and oodles. She always said oodles and noodles. I have oodles and oodles of books on that. And, um, she began to just show me all these books that she had since she was, I think like a teenager because her mom, um, held on to things and she watched her.

Just kind of disintegrate. And when you, the only picture that I have of my great-grandmother, her, her hands are curled in as if she's holding onto something. And her back is hunched over. Like as if she's just her body is holding onto something. And, um, I remember my grandmother saying there was things that she just couldn't let go of.

There were fears that she just couldn't let go of. And I watched it suck the life literally out of her. And I was determined. That I would take control over my mind because I didn't want that to happen to me. And if you remember Mimi she's, she was like five foot, two tiny little thing, but she stood so tall.

Like her shoulders were back. She didn't even resemble. That, that, you know, what her mother had, where she was curled up and curled. And it was like the very opposite. She stood up tall. She had her, you know, she, her, her shoulders were always back and she was, her hands were always open to everybody. And she just, she, just to me depicted, like in a person, someone who is open and who is not willing to hold on and, um, never, you know, there was, there was never bitterness.

She just, she was just free. And I really, I think about my, my great-grandmother often when it comes to things like unforgiveness, that ultimately it will snuff the life out of us. You can't in your body, actually. We'll re we'll take on those, you know, when you're holding onto something, your body will, will, will take that on.

Yeah. And, and it's, and it works both ways. It's, it's holding on to unforgiveness, which means. That you are not willing to forgive the person like what they've done or what they've said is bad enough to where they don't deserve forgiveness. And so you're not going to give it to them, but not holding on to unforgiveness in terms of forgiving as God forgives means that he, whether the person has asked for it or not, you're giving the situation to God and you've got forgiveness in your heart and you're ready to grant it to them the minute they repent.

But if they don't repent, you've handed the situation off. And you're going to let God bring them to repentance as he sees fit. And when they do repent, you're going to have willingly granted. But even if they don't deserve it. And what that does is that does not trample the justice of God. Right. I know in my heart, see bill and Kevin have we're 12 years later.

They've never repented to me and David and still to this day, they think they did nothing wrong. Right. But you know what? I saw bill like a year and a half ago, I didn't feel any resentment. And I still don't to this day. I wish him the best. I've already given the situation to God. I'm like, God, you, I pray that he'll wake up early in the morning one morning.

And he just feeds. Convicted. And then he calls us and I'll be like, let's go meet for lunch. Right. I'm buying, let's hug it up. You don't like, I'm ready to do that, but he's not ready to do that. And so therefore, what, what, what do we do? Well, there's a boundary and that would be the next facet of this is that when you forgiveness God forgives, which means granted when they repent, give it to God, if they don't repent, because that's what Jesus did.

Then you erect boundaries. Even if the person repents. You still need some boundaries, like in a, in a marriage relationship, you know, whenever I had to repent to you for lying to you right now, there's all of a sudden our trust was broken. Right. And one of the boundaries was you started asking me more questions.

That's, it's a new boundary, but I'm the one that brought that onto myself because trust was broken. I think if we look at forgiveness this way with the two aspects, like when you've messed up, what do you do? Well, Confess it to God confess it to your spouse. Confess, confess, confess like truth. Your healing only comes in the confession.

So James five 16 tells us that's where the cleansing comes. You need your spouse. Now. Now I remember reading one time that, um, there was a cancer. And, and they interviewed like thousands of cancer patients. They never, the, one of the questions. What was the question that they asked? Yeah, they would have an intake form and says if, if you've ever experienced hurt or trauma or pain, do you have anybody that you can share that with?

And, and that was one of the intake form questions. And the doctor who had been doing terminal cancer for over 25 years said he never had someone answered yes. To that question, that all these people who were dying of cancer had nobody that they could share their deepest pain and regret and hurt and trauma way.

They couldn't share it. Wow. And that's what ate them away. You know, and so we, we can't hold these things in we've we've got to let them out. So that's when you send against someone and then when someone wrongs you, whether it's your spouse or not, and they request repentance, you forgive them. Even if they don't deserve it, you forgive him.

Now you're going to erect some boundaries, but you forgive them. And just always remember that you have you forgive because you've been forgiven, but if they don't. Then you give the situation to God erect some positive boundaries and you will not have trampled the justice of God. Now, when we forgive like that, it's going to set you free.

Yeah. That's so good. Either way, keep your hands open to receive forgiveness and to give it, I like it. Okay. Forgive us. Now we went a little longer on this, so we wanted to make sure that we covered this, but we can't. And such a deep conversation like this without a little love you rather. Okay. Would you rather, are you ready?

I'm ready. Would you rather explode like a shaken Coca-Cola can, when you get angry or pop open, like a can of biscuits when you bottle up your emotions. Ooh. So I'm going to go with pop open, like biscuits. I totally agree with you on that one. I love that feeling when you like.

that's how it's spelled when you pop it open. That's like Saturday, I like popping pimples. Honestly, I do. That's the beauty of having teenage kids. It's like every morning that I got this like new tool. You did well, you haven't shared that with me because I know you're going to want to pop their there, but I see the kids come down every morning and it's like a seek and destroy mission.

I'm sitting there staring at their face. I'm like, where's the next one? Is that kind of gross kind of gross, but yeah, I'm, I think cannabis gets all cannabis gets Bojangles' chicken and biscuits there. Smack your lips. Good. It's always going to ask me to delete that. But I used to say that when I was, no, we're not going to delete anything.

We don't delete anything. You guys know, we're not, we're not here to produce anything. This has gone. Okay. We love you guys. Beauty and battle. Thanks for hanging out with us. Don't forget to share, subscribe, and send me your jokes and send Tori your jokes. Go to add Jason and Tori, and you can give it to her.

How about that? See you guys next time.