When you got married you became ONE with your spouse. This gave you the 10x factor!
But Satan wants you divided because he knows he can't win if the two of you are operating on the same page.
One of the ways to combat this is by proactively creating healthy habits in your relationship.
A healthy habit is anything that draws you together with your spouse. It's finding something you can do together and making a consistent habit in your relationship.
In this episode, we'll discuss a few very practical habits we've built into our marriage that have proven to be fun and energizing ways to bring life to our relationship. And we'll challenge you to find ways to do the same with your spouse.
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CREATING HEALTHY HABITS
By Jason & Tori Benham
So today we're talking about creating healthy habits. I love it. This is actually a really fun, fun one to talk about because as we talk with other couples, as we've seen older couples and then counseled some younger couples, we've seen that the ones who have good healthy habits are the ones who are drawn closer together.
And what I mean by healthy habits is that you're doing things that draw you together, right? That that's a healthy habit in a relationship you're doing whatever it takes to draw yourself together with. That's what we want. My dad has this quote and he's been saying it for years and years and years. And he's a headmaster at a school here in Concord and it's all over the walls.
Like when I walked through the halls of our kids' school. I've seen it so many times. Um, but this is the quote. So a thought reap an action. So an action reap a habit. So a habit reap a character. So a character reap a destiny. Boom. I think that is such a good quote. I heard that so much growing up that I was like, that's a lot of words.
I don't even know what that means, but when you really break it down, it starts with your thinking, which then turns into action, which turns into habit, which then turns into character and your destiny. I love that very powerful. And you can apply that to your relationship with God. Like what are the habits that you have that draw you closer to God?
Yeah. We talk about that in our book, living among lions, where you've got conviction, commitment and courage conviction is inside outliving commitments are the things that change your lifestyle. And then you got Kurds that transforms your world, but conviction doesn't lead to courage. You have to have commitments.
Those commitments are habits that you put into your daily process that you do not. Right. And we talked about, I think it was the last, the last episode, or maybe it was two back about the power of desire, because that's where it starts. You have to want it, but once you want it, now you have to wrap habits, good habits around it to get to where you are.
And, you know, before we get going though tour, I've totally missed leading in on your amazing jokes. Cause you've got some, I see them right there and I'm ready for, let's start with a pickup line. Okay. Okay. Cheesy pickup. I like it. Hey, feel my shirt. You know what it's made of?
That's funny. Okay. Girlfriend material that's now listen. If our younger daughters went to a boy and said, Hey, feel my shirt. I would feel a girl. You can't be talking about is a hundred percent true. You really, you should be reading me, pick up lines. I should do that. Cause you're not backing me up. Yeah, exactly.
I would never pick you up. Okay. Noted. Noted. So actually this joke is boyfriend material, because you should be pursuing me. I, I feel very strongly about that. Got it. Okay. Are you ready for another pickup line? Somebody better call God because he's missing an angel. Wait to no, no, that was great. No, I think you have used that one before, but I liked it, you know?
Right. Scratch that one off the list. Okay. Sorry. Are you got another one? Here's another pickup line is your name Google because you have everything I've been searching for. Jeez, thank you tour. You know what I love that you have told me that. That makes me feel so warm and fuzzy. Okay. Now, um, listen, when you got married, when, when you, and now I'm talking to you, the listener, when you got married, you became one with your spouse.
Okay. I mean, unless you. Then why are you listening to this? Okay. So when you got married, you became one with your spouse. Now that gives you the 10 X factor, 10 X is, you know, where I get that from? Yeah. Somewhere in the Bible. Thank you. Very good. That's always a safe answer. Um, yeah, it's right in the scripture where we see scriptures that talk about one can put a thousand to flight.
Two can put 10,000 to flight. So you'd think to. 2000 flight, no two puts 10,000 flight. Why? Because God created us in his image and we're made to be in relationship. And when you're in relationship founded on God, which makes you now three people in a relationship, you've got your husband, your wife, and God.
Now three people, you, you perfectly represent the image of God. And that is 10 X, X, a hundred X thousand X, whatever. Now, listen, Satan wants you to. He wants you thinking like one X, one X. Yeah. He's fine. With one X. He's not fine with 10 X. Right. And so he wants you to think in like two diff two distinct people and you are distinct, but yet at the level of identity, you'd now become one.
And one of the things that you can do, there's a lot of things that you can do to draw close together. That's what we talk about on this podcast is where we wrote about in our book. But one of the things that you can do that we're going to talk about. Is developing healthy habits, which is anything that you can do that draws you together.
Right? We've seen this a lot in our own relationship. We've seen it with folks that have mentored us. We've seen it with, uh, couples that we've counseled along the way that those who do things together who build in healthy habits that draw them close too close to each other. It is so powerful in their relationship.
It's so good for them. The reverse is also true that those who just live very separate lives, I mean, it may work, right. It may be, you know, a transactional thing. And sometimes there's nothing that you can do because the husband works. The wife works and everybody's go in different directions and for a season.
They can't really do a whole lot together, but what Tori and I would say is every waking moment that you can, that you do have an opportunity to, to do something together, to build in healthy habits that draw you together. So it's basically finding things that you both love and do them together, right. Or if you don't love it, you do it anyway.
Let it happen. Let it happen. Case in point Tori grocery shops, bad is not something that I look for. But a few years ago after I had built our businesses to a point where they could run themselves, I found myself having more time during the day if I needed to run home or do something. And so what I found was Tori would go grocery shopping on a particular day and I would call and I'd say, what, what are you doing?
She said, well, I'm about to go grocery shopping. I'm like, all right, just wait right there. I'm going to drive. I'm going to pick you up. And then we would go grocery shopping together. Man, you can learn a lot about your spouse in the produce aisle or just the drive over the drive over like, she appreciated it so much.
So now one of the things that we do, I don't know do it, but one of the things that we like to do when it's time for grocery shopping, I drive her over there. Sometimes I get out of the car. Sometimes I don't, I think this started because we're always picking, you know, other couples brains about their marriage, especially obviously the ones that.
We really respect and S and so many of those conversations, this has come up. Like we just do, we do everything together and it kind of hit me too. Just recently, when I was listening in on there was like this, um, Hollywood couple, they were talking about their relationship. And they were talking about how they just give each other their space and they just, you know, you know, as long as I'm out of town for a couple months and she's, you know, does her things yeah.
That's when we get along best that, that couple didn't last. Yeah. That's not going to work. And then I talked to these couples who have, you know, who have been married for 30, 40, 50 years. And you, and the greatest advice they want to give us is just do everything together. Be together as much as you can like.
And as we have tried to make that our habit, it has really helped our relationship. Like, I can't tell you how many times you just being in the car ride with you. If you, you know, you can't come with me every time I go to the grocery store, obviously, but even just, if it's a once a week, You and I can connect and catch up on whatever we need to catch up on.
Talk about some of the things with the kids. It's just us connecting and we feel connected in those really short drives to Harris Teeter and creating that habit over and over again has really drunk. And, you know, I am the most fiercely independent person there is I'm I was totally fine living on my own before Tori can totally handle myself.
And so in order for me to become somebody who would want to do everything with another human. God would have to transform me, but God is in the business of transformation.
We are together a lot intentional. But there was, I mean, there are seasons of life too, when you, when we couldn't be together. I mean, there was long seasons of, of that for us when you would work from nine to five.
And, um, you know, I was homeschooling the kids going, co-op going, you know, all these different events with the kids, the, you know, and I think honestly it was that those seasons of life that made it. Super sweet. Now, when we were like, oh, you know what, we can totally do that together because that's actually a possibility.
And we now appreciate our time together because we, there were so many seasons of not having that. So if you're in a season where you can't do a whole lot with your husband, Let this be a season that cultivates that desire in you to do as much as you can and make a commitment to God that if he gives you more margin, at some point that you'll utilize it to grow closer to his son.
Right. We always say that God's not just your father, he's your father-in-law. And the greatest thing that you can do for your father-in-law's take care of his daughter or son. So you tell God, God, if you give us more time together, we'll spend it together. I promise you, and then just watch opportunities will come up.
So, but there are so many other healthy habits. I, I, I just think that if you think creatively, you will see that there are plenty of opportunities for you guys to do things together. Like for instance, working out. And that was something that when we didn't have a whole lot of time together, when the kids were little and you were traveling, you're working, you know, at least nine to five, often longer, actually you are more of a, it was early in the morning, five in the morning until six at night.
Right. And. Th that season of life, the one of the few little nuggets of space that we had together,
I feel free to use that line. I'm not going to say that's good. It was a little love that sliver of time that we could spend together. And so we started to work out and do CrossFit. Every morning and we've done it together for what, 10 years now. That's about 10 years. And it's great because we started out where, um, like, like Tori was saying before we had nuggets of time, I'm hungry.
Yeah. But we, um, where we had to work out. And we didn't like that. And we could only take walks together in the evening. And then we got to a point where we could actually work out together in the morning. And now we're at a point where we can work out together in the morning. And now after the workout, we'll take a walk around the block, like we're doing it all together.
And, and so, but that stuff, it just draws you so close. You want to know that another thing we like to do. I guess we're just going to tell everybody what we do, right. Not everything, but most of it. Okay. Here's one, here's one. And, and I know you guys are gonna like this when you hear it. We love going on all of these, all of these, like Netflix or Amazon prime or apple TV, or Hulu or whatever, and finding a really good series.
That's a thriller, like I want a mystery thriller. Like murder, mystery type thing. And we tend to lean towards the British channel. They're a little cleaner. Yeah, they are. And can I give a shameless plug for vid angel? I love it. Angel angel. We wouldn't watch mini series without video angel. Yeah. Yeah.
Although there is that apple apple series, um, defending Jacob. That's pretty, that's pretty good. But anyway, anything like that, Tori and I just love, love watching stuff like that, but that is something that we do together and, you know, even like looking at the way technology has gone. This has been a pro really become a problem in the family where there's so many different devices in a home.
Now that kids are watching their own thing, instead of like, when we grew up and we watched, um, Dukes of hazard or incredible Hawk rider, you really went for, with the oldies. I'm thinking like full house, um, boy meets world. Um, but anyways, like, you know, G T um, thank God. It's Friday TGI. Yeah, every Friday.
My mean. We're like in the living room, watching all of those. Yeah. I can't remember. It was like boy meets world. Um, I can't remember, but anyways, we were doing it together, but the way that technology has gotten now, there's so many options in a lot of times, like our kids all want to watch something different and we have to really be intentional.
Like, no, you guys, we're going to decide on something together so that we're together. Watching this, you know, like it can, it's so easy to get out of these habits of doing things together because there's options. Yeah. Yeah. And I liked that you brought that up because you have to proactively do these things together.
I'll give you an another example, car rides to pick up our kids from school. That's usually a task. Is delegated out to one parent or the other. Right. And for us, it's still that way, like Tori goes and picks the kids up, but when I'm in town, I'll go pick them up. But what we like to do is one or two or three times a week, it's like, let's go together.
Yeah. It's like, yeah, right after this podcast, Tori and I are going to go pick our daughter, Linda. It's so easy to think about all the things that need to be done and dividing, conquer. And I, yes, I get it. To actually, to, to actually integrate into your everyday life. You know what, that's something we can do together.
Let yeah, let's just do it together. Let's go, you know, it's like just, that has been something that we've been really intentional on and it's really served our marriage. Well, And it will serve you too. And, and I want to do a podcast at some point on goals and tasks, and the difference between what's V vital versus what's urgent because the urgent things of the day, which is all about accomplishing tasks, those things are gonna, um, they're going to squeeze out.
What's. Vitals. Anything that leads to life like right now, it's urgent that we complete this podcast. Right. But it's vital that my pancreas works. If my pancreas stops working, I can't do what's urgent. Right. If you, but what most people don't realize is relationships are never urgent, but they're extremely vital.
So if you take your normal day 24 hour period, remove the time where you sleep, or you're obviously sleeping in the same bed, but remove that time and then. How you can take pockets that you would normally not spend together and do the thing together. If it's working out, we'll figure out a way that you can work out together.
You're like, well, we we've got kids. I get that. Oh, we had to do it separate at, you know, early on as well. But then we joined a CrossFit gym where there was childcare and we're like, we're just going to pay extra for the childcare, but we want to work out together. And then the next thing we know, we're spending.
10 12, 14 hours more a week together. And we start growing closer together. I become a better person. I'm becoming less independent. I'm becoming less hardcore hard nose type person. Cause I'm hanging around Tori more and she's rounding out those edges. She's becoming more awesome because she's hanging out with me.
Right. But becoming more like Jason. Yes. I love it. I'll give you guys an example. We, um, we went and spent some time at. Um,, house, John Elisa, severe when they lived in Colorado Springs and David, my brother was there, his wife, Lori, and me and Tori, um, together with them, their dog, and a couple other boys came over.
And, we decided we were going to go out and play basketball together. It was just after John did a workout with David, where he started coughing up so much. I thought he was going to puke in his front yard, but anyway, that was fun. But we had their boys come over and we were going to play horse in the driveway.
And so we were out there shooting and there was Lisa, she sitting in the driveway, Indian style, petting her dog, just watching us. And she's like the busiest. Alive. And I remember going over there and I was talking with her and I think maybe Tory or Laurie was or something. And I'm like, so do you like this?
Like you just, you seem so chill right now. She's like, I just want to spend time with, with my husband and my son. I love that. I'm like, this is great. Like she was taking that in as, as well as when she standing on stage like wowing audiences with her incredible ability to communicate. That's what we need.
She really values the relationships in her life. It's really, it's really something that I respected so much too about her. Like, she, you can tell she just truly, truly values family values, her marriage, um, you know, even just, uh, with us being over, she's also inviting all her kids over, you know, like she wants her family there.
I love that. Yeah. And, and I've just think there's so many folks that, that, especially somebody that's got the platform that she's got, where. There's the sense of fulfillment that you get when you're standing on stage and people are responding and then you're signing books afterwards, and it's just kind of, it can become a bubble.
Right. But, but I saw a sense of fulfillment in her sitting there in her driveway. She was sitting there in her driveway watching. Her husband and her son play basketball against two incredible athletes that were twins from North Carolina. Yeah.
And I'll tell you that there's another healthy habit that I think that Tori and I have done that we really think that you should do, and you probably are already doing this, but it involves food and you need to be a restaurant.
With your spouse now I'm not talking cooking yet. That's another one, but restaurant hunting, like legit finding the really cool little non chain spots that you can go to and, and, or, or whatever is going to be your thing depends on your budget. It may be maybe just a little barbecue joints or maybe just little cafes, whatever it is, but finding little places and going and doing that together, taking pictures and talking about it.
You're creating memories, but you're doing it together and it's a very healthy habit. And delicious. And the same is true with cooking. Now I'm not a cook, but Tori and you'll go go to Jason at Tori doc or at Jason and Tori on our Instagram. And you'll see some stuff that Tory cooks. Some of the things that I cook on like a weekly basis in our highlight reels, she's Italian.
So whatever she touches in the. Turns to gold and, and gold is edible, just so you know that I love to cook. And Jason has really done a good job of creating the habit of being in the kitchen with me, like the way. That we can connect and he doesn't do so much of the cooking, but he's a great, I'm a cleaner upper, but we have found if Tori needs a lot of chopping, I'll just start chopping.
If, if, but even a lot of times she's like, okay honey, you don't need to chop. You can just sit there. So sometimes I'm literally on my laptop doing some work or read my Bible or whatever right next to her, he's in charge of. Yeah, gosh, always be in charge of the music. Listen, go to Pandora and type in Italian cooking music and just buckle up because if you're cooking in the house and you guys are taking.
You're going to end up dancing around the house a little bit, having fun. It's great. And so I, I bent a little bit because I'm not a, I'm not a, a chef or anything like that. I'm not a cook is, but I went her direction on that. And next thing you know, I like being in the kitchen. I actually like learning what she's doing.
I like seeing what she's doing and, and, and helping clean up, I feel connected to her. And then she came my direction. I'm all about Saturday morning football college. I love it. She wasn't really into that, but she's like, well, I want the time together now. Tory likes college football as much as I do. And I think it's just the, the general vibe of Saturday morning football, you know, it's the, you're in a relaxed mood always.
Cause you're excited about it. You're like super chill. I love just the colors, like the color of the field and the who's our favorite commentator. Oh, um, uh, Lee Corso, curbs street, older guy. I love that guy so much. I love hearing college game college team. I love to hear his voice in our house. Um, I love to make snacks and to cook and try new things.
It just becomes something that I actually really enjoy. I don't know what's happening on the field, to be honest with you. Yeah. Um, I'm not like super into the actual game, but I love the backstories. I don't really love NFL as much because there's not as many great stories.
No. But it's been, it's Become something that I actually really enjoy. I love that our boys come in and sit with us and you know, the girls come into the kitchen. And so it's just something that it just kind of gives. It provides a really cool vibe in our house and stuff like that is important because you know, we men.
So if you're a, uh, a wife listening to this, your husband needs. Like there's something in him that's playful. And if you haven't seen that part of him, then you got to draw it out of him. Like figure out some way to do it, like where you can, you know, buy tickets to a game or something and go, but he really does want you a part of that.
We've talked to couples before we were sitting on our couch and the answer to their problem. To their relational discord was you guys need to start doing stuff together. Listen, this guy likes to go and do this. Why don't you do that with him? Well, I really don't like doing that, that kind of thing. Well, do it anyway.
And then I look at him and I'm like, she really likes to do that. He says, well, I don't really want to do that. We'll do it anyway. And that's the beauty of a habit. When you start a habit, typically it's not something that you want to do, or it feels natural to do you know? I think about CrossFit for an example.
When I started CrossFit, I hadn't worked out in a really long time cause I just had four kids never worked out during this pregnancies, which I don't know why, but I didn't bad idea. Um, And then, you know, we started it and I hated it. I mean, I remember in my mind thinking this is so dumb, I hate this. Like, especially on like the mile runs.
Oh my gosh. I just hated it every second. And now I'm 10 years in and you know, it was probably, I don't know, a couple months in where. Literally loved it. Like I began it when it becomes your habit. You're not, you don't think about it, you just do it and you actually start enjoying it. It becomes a part of who you are.
And, um, and so I think there's there it's 21 days. I mean, there's science behind it, that when you do something for 21 days straight, it rewires your brain and it becomes a habit and it becomes something that you can do second nature. And it's not something that's like torturous, like it was the first week and then even part of the second week and the third, you know?
And so for any kind of habit, like that's something that you dread now. You're not going to dread it when you keep doing it. Like, just, if it's something that's important to you, if it's a way that, you know, will draw you close to your spouse, just make it a habit. Create the. Do it over and over and over again until it becomes a part of your life and you actually enjoy it.
And so here's our challenge as we close. Here's our challenge. Uh, go out on a date with your spouse this week and you guys talk about this, talk about this specifically, what habits can we create, where we do things together now? And you're wise, which you all are, otherwise, you wouldn't be listening to this, right?
You you're, you're wise enough to where you can listen to a podcast and understand what's being said, you're smart enough to where you can look at your calendar. Your spouse can look at their calendar and you guys can figure out ways to carve out more pockets of time to do things together and then pick something.
Whatever that thing is, go look for a restaurant or watch football. Go work out together or start taking walks together or get mountain bikes and, and do some mountain bike trails together, whatever it doesn't matter what it is. Right. Just do it together. Newest habit this year has been after a meal. We just walk for 10 minutes.
Yeah, that's a good, that's good for your body. It's really good for your body. Um, apparently you don't spike your insulin when you do that. Yeah., we should talk about physical stuff in marriage, although that really sounded bad. We should talk physical stuff. We'll talk, we'll talk sex. How about that?
Tory's all blushing over there. Okay. So creating healthy habits, anything that you can do to draw together, do it, do you have a, uh, would you rather close this sucker out? Right? Would you rather eat eggs that feel slimy or eggs that smell rotten? That's disgusting on both counts. Uh, but I would do the slimy thing.
Oh, a hundred percent. Yeah. They, they smell rotten. Yeah. Yeah. That was an easy one. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I like that. Alright. Fist bump. You're going to say goodbye confi until next time. Until next time, we'll see, create a healthy habit or you go by.